WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS?

We are fast approaching the season of Christmas (to those of you not attune with the liturgical calendar, we are technically in the season of Advent until December 24) . There are choir rehearsals, concerts in which to participate, parties to attend, gifts to purchase, cards to mail and halls to deck. With all the running around, all the festivities of this season, it is almost impossible to settle down and really tap into the well-intended meaning of the season. But, somewhere, deep within, my thoughts are not on Christmas at all, rather they are elsewhere. My thoughts turn introspective, pondering the path my life has taken in the last twelve months, and, most certainly where I am today.

It seems as though almost every thought has something to do with relationships of some sort, money, work, music, and trying to keep my head above water. It's sometimes difficult to find the words to express what's going on in my head. I'm a different person than I've ever been before. I'm accustomed to being an emotionally needy person, but it seems that part of me has changed. As I keep moving forward, I find that I receive much peace and solace in moments of solitude, although I must admit that having a new and exciting family of friends as my social network is something I cherish deeply as well. It is most certainly a balancing act I've yet to master.

I've made strides in recent weeks and months with my family, having established some contact with my aunt and a cousin. Yet, I continually contemplate what type of relationship I really want with my family, especially with my parents. I cannot honestly answer that question. I continue to write and harp on that relationship, but still, it's not simple, not a cut and dried answer. There's an awful lot of grey area in there. Especially at this time of the year, it should be easy to let bygones be bygones and start a new era. Oh, that it were only that easy. The raw truth of the matter is that the Christmases of my childhood will never be again. No matter how close or distant I am to my family, those "perfect" memories I have of the imperfect Christmases Past are just that-memories. I'm sure there'll be more to come in future blogs about family.

Here's my confession: This is a difficult time in the life of our country and its people. We are in an uncertain economic time, a time of political change, and a time of war. It's no wonder many of us are asking the question "Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you?" I suppose it takes an effort to be merry and happy when there are so many "things" around us that compete to steal that joy. With all the good in my life-friends, people who love me, a home, etc, etc, etc...I'm just not feeling the spirit of the season yet.

For months I've neglected writing this blog on a regular basis. I find that I need to write it as a catharsis for my soul. My goal is to blog at least four days (hopefully more) each week to get back in the habit as we approach Christmas. Advent is a time of new beginning-especially a new liturgical year-but couldn't that also be extended to a bit of a trial run for new years' resolutions, a time of preparation for Christmas, a time of readying the way for ourselves to approach life with a bit of a different perspective? I could no doubt benefit from that, as I'm sure you can, as well.