I readily admit that I have many double standards, many contradictions of my own self. It’s really something which, of late, I’ve become aware. There’s no excuse other than insecurity—that one, my friends, will get you every time. And insecurity’s brother, jealousy is just as bad. Those “excuses” are about as lame as one can get, but they are true. I live by a different set of rules. It’s a struggle I face, an uphill battle I am fighting.
I have so many things going right in my life right now, so many friends who would, honestly, drop everything they are doing to come to my aid. I have a man who seemingly worships the very air I breathe. All is right in the world—or is it? No, it is not. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give up that last little bit of control. There’s that part of me that wants to be able to call the shots. And there’s an even bigger part of me that knows that’s all wrong.
Here’s my confession: I have no idea where my relationship is ultimately headed. I have no idea why I do a lot of the things that I do. What I do know is that I’m living a life of ups and downs, happiness and sadness. My only saving graces are that I’m open and upfront with Lane about my double standards, and he so understands—for whatever reason. I don’t deserve any more chances, but I’m so thankful for the ones I’ve been given. I’m tired of the conflict within my own self. I’m better than this. I’m frustrated. But, tomorrow is a new day.
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2 comments:
Shouldn't we always give people more chances. Jesus said to not just forgive people 7 times, but 70 times 7. It is up to us though that once forgiven to learn enough from that forgiveness to not continue to make the same mistake again. We need to continue to grow, not be stagnant just because we are assured of that forgiveness. We all have double standards, some more so than others. The best thing we can do in life is to try our best to live up to the standards we set for everyone else. That is an important lesson to learn.
Maintaining control of our lives is important. We must be responsible for our decisions and actions. However, extending that to controlling, or attempting to control, others' lives is a mistake. Not only is it morally wrong, but it risks any chance of authentic relationship with another. It is understandable; it's a way of protecting ourselves. But it is not a way to live in genuine friendship, much less in a deeper and more intimate relationship.
Double standards, when actually enforced, are just one way we seek to control others - requiring them to live by rules we cannot live by. To be fair, we must either allow them to live by our own rules, or we must live by the rules we want them to live by. Or we seek a compromise. Often, the standard we set for ourselves is not one we can accept in another.
Friendships do allow for flexibility and leeway as we grow. And those who care for us are often willing to accept unfair or even bad behavior for a time, understanding that growth may happen. Honesty is critical and there must be a willingness to engage the other, to understand what is going on. Relationships of any type require real work if they are to be of worth.
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