It is that time of year once again when we in the Christian tradition celebrate the season of Lent. Historically, it’s is a penitential time in which we give up something or take on something on to discipline us as we prepare for the sacred celebration of Easter. It is with those thoughts in mind that I write about my search for God.
Recently, I’ve found myself in search of God. You may find that difficult to believe, being that I went to a Christian college, I’m a church organist and I go to church every week, that I would be searching for God. Church should be the place I’d be likely to have an encounter with God, one would think. Yet, for me, that hasn’t so much been the case lately. I’m there, merely as a spectator, and can rarely remember what the homily is about.
But, for me it isn’t about the homilies. It isn’t about the pomp and circumstance, it isn’t about the doctrines, the rules by which we are taught to live. For me, it is about an encounter with GOD. It is about discovering God—experiencing God in a whole new way. It’s about experiencing God beyond all the ritual, all the man-made rules, just a true, unadulterated experience with my creator.
God, to me, is neither male nor female. God is certainly simpler than our mortal minds can comprehend, yet, at the same time, so complex that we could spend a millennia debating the topic and never even scratch the surface. God is. God is love, God is peace.
I don’t believe God gives a damn who I love, as long as I love. I don’t believe God is out to get me. I don’t think God wants me to live by a rigid set of rules. I do believe that God is concerned with even my most minor worry and is there to listen to me if I only ask. I believe that God is, simply, Love.
Here’s my confession. I’ve spent a lot of time this week examining my thoughts and feelings about God. I’ve spent a lot of time writing letters to God (that’s how I pray). I want this Lent to be a special spiritual time for me, but not just a spiritual time, a time in which I truly begin to break through those things which create barriers between me and the all-supreme God. I’m in a valley right now. Even as I write this, I know that God is near. God is present. However, God is intangible. Yet, I still search…throughout these days of Lenten journey and beyond. I will find God. I will experience God.
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2 comments:
Another beautiful, timely blog. When I write I feel that I'm writing for myself, and it really wouldn't mean that much to other people. Your blogs on the other hand are usually written in such a way that they would touch the heart of anyone who reads them.
Most acquaintances of mine would never think of me as a Christian. I'm gay, I don't go to church on a regular basis, and truthfully I don't live the most morale and upright life. In reality though I have a deep faith in God. I talk with him numerous times a day about both my worries and my thanks. Many days it is my belief that no matter what I've done or how people feel about me that I will always have His love that keeps me going.
We all experience God in so many different ways. I sometimes find God in the mystery of the Eucharist, in music, in art, in nature. But the place where I sometimes struggle to find God, and yet know that God is most present, is in others. In love given and received. God walks with us most powerfully and most present in others who give us love and care. God's hands are the hands of those who love you.
That's just my experience. I hope that your Lent is a time of openness and vulnerability into which God can speak to your soul.
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