GRATITUDE 06.25.10
This has been a good week for me. There have been moments that I have been a little frustrated with life, but there have also been some extraordinary moments in which I have realized how incredibly blessed beyond measure I am.
I’m grateful for my temporary job. It’s been a lot of really hard work, but it’s also been a lot of fun. I’m grateful to actually be working again. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. There is a time and purpose for everything. There are wonderful lessons to be learned, many new chapters to explore.
I’m grateful for the fun I had with my dear friend Grant last night. We had a fun dinner, a fun trip to YoMo, and then went to see a $1 movie. That guy enjoys life…and it is infectious. It was honestly one of the best times I’ve had in a very long time.
I’m grateful for clarity. This week I’ve listened to my inner voice a lot more. I’ve been taking lots of mental notes about things that I need to change, things I want to improve, and the direction I need to head. Life is good. Life is full of possibility.
Here’s my confession: My writing has slacked off a little lately. Yet, my mind is spinning a lot. Soon, I will sit down and write again. I am grateful for a life that is rich with so much beauty, so much peace and so much wonder. I’m grateful to the Divine who has allowed me to experience so much of the wonder this world holds. I am grateful for the experiences of yesterday with its pain and sadness, its joy and its peace. I’m grateful for today with its myriad of confusion. I am grateful for tomorrow and possibilities unknown. I’m grateful because I am confident that the future is a slate that is unblemished, unwritten and pregnant with possibility.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM
Father’s Day 2010. I must have read at least 100 posts today on facebook about Father’s Day. I, myself, posted none. I kept thinking to myself…what’s the big deal? Why don’t I have this loving gut reaction like all these other people? I mean, really, my life didn’t suck that much. I’ve been blessed beyond measure, and yet, it hit me, as I was reading one post from someone I consider to be a good friend—he said he had spoken to his father for the first time in a long time and they are now facebook friends. The thought immediately came to mind that “I don’t know how to love him”. I don’t know how to love my father. I don’t know how to articulate those words that would probably bring about so much healing. Years of passive communications and, more recently, years of silence have taken their toll. I suppose, as I always try to say, as long as we are in the living years, there is hope, and where there’s hope, there’s opportunity.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again…I don’t know how to reach out to someone who is in so many ways a complete and total stranger to me. I love this man who gave me the seed of life. I love the woman who gave me the egg of life, and I love the life they gave me. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect, but it’s life. What was, may never be again, and I’m ok with that.
Here’s my confession: I don’t know how to love him. I don’t know how to reach out and say “hey, dad, I love you”. I don’t know how to do that because I don’t really know what those words truly mean. I have friends I love as though I imagine I would have loved a brother, and there have been men in my life who have been mentors that I suppose I have loved as one would love a father, but how in the world do I reach out with love to my own father? Where in the hell do I summon such courage?
I’ve always been the loner in the family. I was the youngest grandchild on my dad’s side of the family and the oldest on my mother’s side. I think I feel though many cracks along the way. I don’t point fingers. Instead, I am grateful for the many blessings of love and life I’ve received. So, in someway, somehow, this is my “Happy Father’s Day” message. I love you for the man you’ve been in my life. Maybe one day, reconciliation, peace, joy and newness of life will find us.
Father’s Day 2010. I must have read at least 100 posts today on facebook about Father’s Day. I, myself, posted none. I kept thinking to myself…what’s the big deal? Why don’t I have this loving gut reaction like all these other people? I mean, really, my life didn’t suck that much. I’ve been blessed beyond measure, and yet, it hit me, as I was reading one post from someone I consider to be a good friend—he said he had spoken to his father for the first time in a long time and they are now facebook friends. The thought immediately came to mind that “I don’t know how to love him”. I don’t know how to love my father. I don’t know how to articulate those words that would probably bring about so much healing. Years of passive communications and, more recently, years of silence have taken their toll. I suppose, as I always try to say, as long as we are in the living years, there is hope, and where there’s hope, there’s opportunity.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again…I don’t know how to reach out to someone who is in so many ways a complete and total stranger to me. I love this man who gave me the seed of life. I love the woman who gave me the egg of life, and I love the life they gave me. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect, but it’s life. What was, may never be again, and I’m ok with that.
Here’s my confession: I don’t know how to love him. I don’t know how to reach out and say “hey, dad, I love you”. I don’t know how to do that because I don’t really know what those words truly mean. I have friends I love as though I imagine I would have loved a brother, and there have been men in my life who have been mentors that I suppose I have loved as one would love a father, but how in the world do I reach out with love to my own father? Where in the hell do I summon such courage?
I’ve always been the loner in the family. I was the youngest grandchild on my dad’s side of the family and the oldest on my mother’s side. I think I feel though many cracks along the way. I don’t point fingers. Instead, I am grateful for the many blessings of love and life I’ve received. So, in someway, somehow, this is my “Happy Father’s Day” message. I love you for the man you’ve been in my life. Maybe one day, reconciliation, peace, joy and newness of life will find us.
Friday, June 18, 2010
GRATITUDE 06.18.10
GRATITUDE 06.18.10
The weeks seem to just fly by. But with each week that passes, I’m reminded of how grateful life truly is. This week I started a temporary position at a local career college in the textbook department. It’s been a wonderful week, a busy week and I’m so grateful that I have something to keep my mind occupied.
I’m grateful for a week in which I’ve been busy, a week in which I’ve contemplated the direction. I realized that perhaps accounting is not my forte. I want to do something that will help people. I’d love to find a way to extend my ability of writing to helping other people. I’m so honored by the many compliments people give me on my writing. I’d love to be able to help students learn proper English. I’m just amazed at the blessings that are in my life, and want to find a way to share my gifts with others.
I’m grateful for blessings in my life that have come in so many unexpected ways. I’m grateful for the people, the situations, and the experiences that have helped mold me into the man I am today.
Gratitude is one of the single most important aspects of my life. I truly believe that if someone does something nice for you, touches your life in a certain way, they need to know. That’s why I try to express gratitude on a regular basis to people in my life. It’s that important! It’s equally important to express gratitude to the Divine.
Here’s my confession: I have experienced a lot of things over the last few months. I don’t think I’d change a single moment. There have been tears and laughter, joy and discontentment. Losing my job probably saved me lots of sanity and eliminated a lot of stress. It’s also propelled me forward into territories I may have never dared explore. There are chapters still unwritten, and I’m ready to embrace the challenge of the future. I am today where my thoughts have brought me, but I will be tomorrow where my thoughts take me.
The weeks seem to just fly by. But with each week that passes, I’m reminded of how grateful life truly is. This week I started a temporary position at a local career college in the textbook department. It’s been a wonderful week, a busy week and I’m so grateful that I have something to keep my mind occupied.
I’m grateful for a week in which I’ve been busy, a week in which I’ve contemplated the direction. I realized that perhaps accounting is not my forte. I want to do something that will help people. I’d love to find a way to extend my ability of writing to helping other people. I’m so honored by the many compliments people give me on my writing. I’d love to be able to help students learn proper English. I’m just amazed at the blessings that are in my life, and want to find a way to share my gifts with others.
I’m grateful for blessings in my life that have come in so many unexpected ways. I’m grateful for the people, the situations, and the experiences that have helped mold me into the man I am today.
Gratitude is one of the single most important aspects of my life. I truly believe that if someone does something nice for you, touches your life in a certain way, they need to know. That’s why I try to express gratitude on a regular basis to people in my life. It’s that important! It’s equally important to express gratitude to the Divine.
Here’s my confession: I have experienced a lot of things over the last few months. I don’t think I’d change a single moment. There have been tears and laughter, joy and discontentment. Losing my job probably saved me lots of sanity and eliminated a lot of stress. It’s also propelled me forward into territories I may have never dared explore. There are chapters still unwritten, and I’m ready to embrace the challenge of the future. I am today where my thoughts have brought me, but I will be tomorrow where my thoughts take me.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
GRATITUDE 06.13.10
I’m a couple of days late with this week’s gratitude blog, but what a week it has been. This week was Gay Pride week here in The Magic City. I don’t consider myself an activist, and am really not one of those people who is “in your face” about my sexuality. That being said, I don’t generally go to great lengths to hide my sexuality, either. The truth of the matter is that I am gay. I’ve known that I am gay since at least the second grade.
So, this week, I am grateful for those trailblazers from the past who have paved the way so that I may have freedom to celebrate openly who I am. I am grateful for the choral society which has opened up doors and avenues I would have never experienced otherwise.
I’m grateful for peaceful moments and moments of introspection, reflection and the journey toward peace and finding the answers I so desperately need. I’m grateful for people who love me and support me.
Here’s my confession: There have been lots of happy celebratory moments this week. I’m grateful for who I am. I don’t see myself as an activist. I’m just one man who attempts to celebrate the gifts of God in my life. Pride is about more than a simple rainbow flag, a parade or any number of things that make up the “community”. One day, I believe, and I am almost certain that in my lifetime, we will all be free. This has been an amazing week of pride. It’s nice to be able to let our “true colors” shine through!
So, this week, I am grateful for those trailblazers from the past who have paved the way so that I may have freedom to celebrate openly who I am. I am grateful for the choral society which has opened up doors and avenues I would have never experienced otherwise.
I’m grateful for peaceful moments and moments of introspection, reflection and the journey toward peace and finding the answers I so desperately need. I’m grateful for people who love me and support me.
Here’s my confession: There have been lots of happy celebratory moments this week. I’m grateful for who I am. I don’t see myself as an activist. I’m just one man who attempts to celebrate the gifts of God in my life. Pride is about more than a simple rainbow flag, a parade or any number of things that make up the “community”. One day, I believe, and I am almost certain that in my lifetime, we will all be free. This has been an amazing week of pride. It’s nice to be able to let our “true colors” shine through!
Friday, June 4, 2010
GRATITUDE 06.04.10
We’ve come to the end of yet another week, and I pause again for a moment to reflect on all the amazing items in my life for which I am grateful. Gratitude is one of the single most important elements of my life. I believe that by simply showing, expressing and living a life of gratitude enables us to live with more peace in our lives and causes good karma to come our way.
I joined friends on Sunday evening at the gospel drag show. It’s always such a serendipitous spiritual experience. To be able to have an experience with the Divine in the most unorthodox of settings is something that truly defies words. While I was there, I realized just how many people I know. Person after person would come up to tip the drag queens (Grant and I, along with some other friends took our “regular” spot at the table at the front of the stage) and many of them spoke to me. Just to think that only two simple years ago, I didn’t know any of these people, that I would not have been sitting at a drag show and wouldn’t have even felt comfortable waking into a room full of other gays, really made me recall just how grateful I am for the experiences over the last couple of years. While I believe I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, I’ve come such a long way.
After the show, Keith came up to me and said he wanted to apologize for something that had happened earlier in the year. Keith and I had been good friends before. That all changed after the Bal this year when I started dating Wynn. Feelings were hurt, and a friendship was, for all practical purposes, ended. I saw Keith on a regular basis, but we ceased communication with one another. I made one attempt to reconcile with him, but he did not want to reconcile. So, I just let it go. However, Keith apologized on Sunday night, and we picked up the friendship like it had never been broken. We began chatting again and I believe have but the misgivings in the past where they belong. I’m grateful to have a good friend back. I’ve missed him.
I had some really down moments this week. I allowed my mind to drift into a place of “woe is me.” I found myself dwelling in two places that I shouldn’t have been-the past and the future. I allowed stress and anxiety to bring me down. I’m grateful that I was able to get out of that funk.
I continue to be grateful for the beautiful gift of music in my life. I’ve set some goals for myself to learn some new pieces of music. I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown as a musician. It is difficult to imagine the void that would be in my life without music, and most importantly, the piano. I enjoy my vocal experiences and being part of the men’s chorus, but it is the piano where I find my passion.
Yesterday, I spent time cleaning the house, paying bills and taking care of chores that I had been putting off. At the end of the day, I had such a feeling of accomplishment and a feeling of peace and satisfaction with the simplicity of the day. I truly had a sense of gratitude.
Here’s my confession: My life today is not what I imagined, but I’m grateful for where I am. I am a work in progress. I’m not always the friend that I should be. My intentions are pure. I’ve recently found that sometimes I just shut down and close myself off from the world. I’m grateful for the love and friendship that remains in spite of my failures. Even though I harbor many fears and frustrations that I would rather keep hidden in the dark spaces of my life, far away from the realities I am living, I’m grateful for the people who make a difference in my life. I am grateful for life and all the many lessons I learn each day. Far beyond the darkness of today’s situation lie the answers to each question, a balm for each hurt, and peace to replace each fear. And, along the journey, I chose gratitude as my companion.
I joined friends on Sunday evening at the gospel drag show. It’s always such a serendipitous spiritual experience. To be able to have an experience with the Divine in the most unorthodox of settings is something that truly defies words. While I was there, I realized just how many people I know. Person after person would come up to tip the drag queens (Grant and I, along with some other friends took our “regular” spot at the table at the front of the stage) and many of them spoke to me. Just to think that only two simple years ago, I didn’t know any of these people, that I would not have been sitting at a drag show and wouldn’t have even felt comfortable waking into a room full of other gays, really made me recall just how grateful I am for the experiences over the last couple of years. While I believe I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, I’ve come such a long way.
After the show, Keith came up to me and said he wanted to apologize for something that had happened earlier in the year. Keith and I had been good friends before. That all changed after the Bal this year when I started dating Wynn. Feelings were hurt, and a friendship was, for all practical purposes, ended. I saw Keith on a regular basis, but we ceased communication with one another. I made one attempt to reconcile with him, but he did not want to reconcile. So, I just let it go. However, Keith apologized on Sunday night, and we picked up the friendship like it had never been broken. We began chatting again and I believe have but the misgivings in the past where they belong. I’m grateful to have a good friend back. I’ve missed him.
I had some really down moments this week. I allowed my mind to drift into a place of “woe is me.” I found myself dwelling in two places that I shouldn’t have been-the past and the future. I allowed stress and anxiety to bring me down. I’m grateful that I was able to get out of that funk.
I continue to be grateful for the beautiful gift of music in my life. I’ve set some goals for myself to learn some new pieces of music. I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown as a musician. It is difficult to imagine the void that would be in my life without music, and most importantly, the piano. I enjoy my vocal experiences and being part of the men’s chorus, but it is the piano where I find my passion.
Yesterday, I spent time cleaning the house, paying bills and taking care of chores that I had been putting off. At the end of the day, I had such a feeling of accomplishment and a feeling of peace and satisfaction with the simplicity of the day. I truly had a sense of gratitude.
Here’s my confession: My life today is not what I imagined, but I’m grateful for where I am. I am a work in progress. I’m not always the friend that I should be. My intentions are pure. I’ve recently found that sometimes I just shut down and close myself off from the world. I’m grateful for the love and friendship that remains in spite of my failures. Even though I harbor many fears and frustrations that I would rather keep hidden in the dark spaces of my life, far away from the realities I am living, I’m grateful for the people who make a difference in my life. I am grateful for life and all the many lessons I learn each day. Far beyond the darkness of today’s situation lie the answers to each question, a balm for each hurt, and peace to replace each fear. And, along the journey, I chose gratitude as my companion.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
SYMPATHY, TENDERNESS
I’ve spent the better part of the last couple of days in a personal funk. I’ve been lost in a self-loathing, depressed, anxious, and fearful trail of doubts and frustration, confusion and regret. These are roads I have tried to not allow myself to travel, but it seems no matter how hard I’ve tried, these emotions want to my companions on the journey.
My body physically aches from stress and a restful sleep evades me. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this place, but I’ve had vivid flashbacks of episodes past. I can feel the rush of my heartbeat. I can feel the rush of anxiety as it pours over me. I imagine, someway, somehow, this must be what death feels like.
It’s not about the lack of a job, it’s not about the bills, it’s not about school, and it’s not about relationships. Actually it is, but not one thing in particular. It is, however, about a million little things that penetrate my mind. It’s all the “what-if?” questions that like to come out just to taunt me. It’s about living anywhere but the now. My mind is dwelling in the past and the future, when it should be here, in the present.
Here’s my confession: A song came into my head a little while ago. It’s “Sympathy, Tenderness” from Jekyll and Hyde. While the lyrics really don’t apply to me in this situation, the title, I think does, because that is what I need to be practicing with myself. I need to let go of the past and the future and be a little more forgiving of myself in the present. The truth remains that no matter how alone I may feel I am not alone. No matter how anxiety wants to hold me down, I have the power. No matter how depression wants to reign supreme, it can’t. I seek not anyone’s sympathy or pity. I think I’m too proud to go there. I just want understanding—from myself more than anyone else. Tonight as I sing myself to sleep with “Sympathy, Tenderness”, I pray for peace, rest and love. May the flood of anxiety soon be replaced with peace and frustration with joy.
My body physically aches from stress and a restful sleep evades me. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this place, but I’ve had vivid flashbacks of episodes past. I can feel the rush of my heartbeat. I can feel the rush of anxiety as it pours over me. I imagine, someway, somehow, this must be what death feels like.
It’s not about the lack of a job, it’s not about the bills, it’s not about school, and it’s not about relationships. Actually it is, but not one thing in particular. It is, however, about a million little things that penetrate my mind. It’s all the “what-if?” questions that like to come out just to taunt me. It’s about living anywhere but the now. My mind is dwelling in the past and the future, when it should be here, in the present.
Here’s my confession: A song came into my head a little while ago. It’s “Sympathy, Tenderness” from Jekyll and Hyde. While the lyrics really don’t apply to me in this situation, the title, I think does, because that is what I need to be practicing with myself. I need to let go of the past and the future and be a little more forgiving of myself in the present. The truth remains that no matter how alone I may feel I am not alone. No matter how anxiety wants to hold me down, I have the power. No matter how depression wants to reign supreme, it can’t. I seek not anyone’s sympathy or pity. I think I’m too proud to go there. I just want understanding—from myself more than anyone else. Tonight as I sing myself to sleep with “Sympathy, Tenderness”, I pray for peace, rest and love. May the flood of anxiety soon be replaced with peace and frustration with joy.
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