I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

Father’s Day 2010. I must have read at least 100 posts today on facebook about Father’s Day. I, myself, posted none. I kept thinking to myself…what’s the big deal? Why don’t I have this loving gut reaction like all these other people? I mean, really, my life didn’t suck that much. I’ve been blessed beyond measure, and yet, it hit me, as I was reading one post from someone I consider to be a good friend—he said he had spoken to his father for the first time in a long time and they are now facebook friends. The thought immediately came to mind that “I don’t know how to love him”. I don’t know how to love my father. I don’t know how to articulate those words that would probably bring about so much healing. Years of passive communications and, more recently, years of silence have taken their toll. I suppose, as I always try to say, as long as we are in the living years, there is hope, and where there’s hope, there’s opportunity.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again…I don’t know how to reach out to someone who is in so many ways a complete and total stranger to me. I love this man who gave me the seed of life. I love the woman who gave me the egg of life, and I love the life they gave me. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect, but it’s life. What was, may never be again, and I’m ok with that.

Here’s my confession: I don’t know how to love him. I don’t know how to reach out and say “hey, dad, I love you”. I don’t know how to do that because I don’t really know what those words truly mean. I have friends I love as though I imagine I would have loved a brother, and there have been men in my life who have been mentors that I suppose I have loved as one would love a father, but how in the world do I reach out with love to my own father? Where in the hell do I summon such courage?

I’ve always been the loner in the family. I was the youngest grandchild on my dad’s side of the family and the oldest on my mother’s side. I think I feel though many cracks along the way. I don’t point fingers. Instead, I am grateful for the many blessings of love and life I’ve received. So, in someway, somehow, this is my “Happy Father’s Day” message. I love you for the man you’ve been in my life. Maybe one day, reconciliation, peace, joy and newness of life will find us.