SYMPATHY, TENDERNESS

I’ve spent the better part of the last couple of days in a personal funk. I’ve been lost in a self-loathing, depressed, anxious, and fearful trail of doubts and frustration, confusion and regret. These are roads I have tried to not allow myself to travel, but it seems no matter how hard I’ve tried, these emotions want to my companions on the journey.

My body physically aches from stress and a restful sleep evades me. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this place, but I’ve had vivid flashbacks of episodes past. I can feel the rush of my heartbeat. I can feel the rush of anxiety as it pours over me. I imagine, someway, somehow, this must be what death feels like.

It’s not about the lack of a job, it’s not about the bills, it’s not about school, and it’s not about relationships. Actually it is, but not one thing in particular. It is, however, about a million little things that penetrate my mind. It’s all the “what-if?” questions that like to come out just to taunt me. It’s about living anywhere but the now. My mind is dwelling in the past and the future, when it should be here, in the present.

Here’s my confession: A song came into my head a little while ago. It’s “Sympathy, Tenderness” from Jekyll and Hyde. While the lyrics really don’t apply to me in this situation, the title, I think does, because that is what I need to be practicing with myself. I need to let go of the past and the future and be a little more forgiving of myself in the present. The truth remains that no matter how alone I may feel I am not alone. No matter how anxiety wants to hold me down, I have the power. No matter how depression wants to reign supreme, it can’t. I seek not anyone’s sympathy or pity. I think I’m too proud to go there. I just want understanding—from myself more than anyone else. Tonight as I sing myself to sleep with “Sympathy, Tenderness”, I pray for peace, rest and love. May the flood of anxiety soon be replaced with peace and frustration with joy.