FOOTBALL FOR FAGGOTS

I grew up in the southern United States and I've lived here all my life. Fall and Football go hand in hand. Even if you aren't into football, you can't ignore its existence. It's everywhere. You can't be in Tennessee, especially East Tennessee, in the fall and not in some way acknowledge the Orange and White that permeates the area. You can't live in Alabama and not have an answer to the question: Alabama or Auburn? It's just not allowed. Amongst the sea of Crimson and White and Orange and Blue, you had better be prepared with an answer or you'll be looked at as though you are some creature who was just dropped off from somewhere in outer space. To many, football is a religion. It is the reason they live, move and have their being. It is a doctrine taught from the moment they escape their mother's womb, be they male or female. After all, this is a world in which Paul "Bear" Bryant is still very much alive, even nearly a quarter century after his death. I guess you could say he ranks right up there with Jesus.

Here's my confession: I don't understand football. I don't understand sports, for that matter. I never had anyone to teach me. I was that child-all the way throughout my school years-who was the last one chosen during P.E. Who would want me on their team? I was the uncoordinated little queer who didn't know what he was doing. There was one teacher in the 7th grade who took mercy on me and tried to teach me a little bit about Football and Basketball, but it didn't really help. The few football games I've been to in my life have basically been social events for me and my friends. I was fortunate, about a decade ago, I had my boyfriend at the time to sit down and explain to me what was happening. It was intriguing, but I couldn't get all the jargon down, although I have a somewhat working knowledge of football now because of it. I just don't have the attention span to get into it. That's a little sad to me because I really would like to be able to be able to have an intelligent conversation about what's going on, especially when I know women who can spout off what's going on far, far better than I'll ever be able. It's not an outright affront to my masculinity, but it does make me wish things had been different somewhere along the way. Someone should offer a course for fags of all ages: "Football for Faggots". I'd be first in line to sign up. I mean, I don't hate football, I just don't understand it. Oh, and just in case you're wondering...if asked to choose, I'll say ROLL TIDE! anyway of the week.