WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEW YEAR'S EVE?

The year is winding down. At the stroke of midnight a new month and a new year will be ushered in. With the advent of a new year will no doubt come numerous parties and celebrations for many. For others, it will be just a quiet evening at home, perhaps with a kiss or toast at midnight. Still for others, it will be just a regular Monday evening. In my case, if history repeats itself, which I've no doubt that it will, Parker will be in bed, fast asleep, long before the stroke of midnight, while I am watching television and surfing the web. No revelry, no fanfare, no passionate kisses. I'm not really complaining. I'm not really a party animal. Truth be known, I'd probably prefer nesting in a comfy blanket than being in a crowd of revel-raisers. Yet, the thought of snuggling under the comfy blanket with a special someone does sound intriguing as well.

Here's my confession: No revelry, no fanfare, and no passion—that basically sums up my relationship status. I'm likely to spend New Year's Eve reflecting on the changes already occurring in my life, and looking for ways to make others happen. I've done a significant amount of changes in the last year, but there is still work to be done, especially in my relationship with Parker. There are so many more things I want to change about myself. Careful planning and the setting and balancing of realistic goals and priorities will be the keys to my success.

What are you doing New Year’s Eve?

GRATITUDE: WEEK 5

This is my fifth week to pause, reflect and chronicle my gratitude. I indeed have much for which to be grateful. Certainly, it is easy to be grateful for the things that are obvious-good health, food, shelter and friends. However, truly delving in and going past the surface requires some work. It's easy to just sit back, take things for granted and to bitch when things don't turn out exactly the way we had planned. Gratitude, true gratitude, holds the power to transform us and to make us better in every facet of our lives.

To be perfectly honest, not all things in my life are perfect. I have an estranged relationship with my parents; my home, my brand-new home, has a big hole in the ceiling above my living room, where I accidentally poked my foot through the attic last week. I have friends with whom I’ve lost contact or don’t contact often. My relationship with Parker is in a major rut. Each day I feel we drift a little farther apart.

While I may have estranged familial relationships, mild damage to my home, friends with whom I am not in contact as often as I should and I may not have as happy a home life as I once had, upon reflection, I am reminded that I so have an amazing “family” of friends who love me, listen to me and support me. My home may be damaged, but at least I have a home, and am grateful that the accident was no worse than it was. The mild pain and a few minor bruises I’ve dealt with over the last week are nothing when compared to the sufferings of others. My relationship may be falling apart at home, but I see peace and some sort of resolution coming in the near future.

Here’s my confession: I don't want my blog to become trite or my gratitude to become forced. I want to be honest and sincere and not just be writing for the sake of writing. As I pause for reflection this week, I am so grateful for the blessings this week has brought. All the activities revolving around Christmas were exhausting, yet, the grateful part of that is that I actually was blessed to have had holiday activities in which to participate. I’m grateful for very special people in my life who genuinely love me and accept me for the person I am and for the person I am becoming. Though near or far, my friends are an absolute lifeline to me. I know there are so many who long for just one friend, yet I have been blessed with several. I’m grateful for the medication and encouragement of my dear confidants which have helped me focus on the changes I’m making in my life and for the peace that is coming into my life every single day. Although there have been a few days of set backs in the last couple of weeks, those are only a natural part of the ebb and flow of life. I’m grateful for a future full of hopes and dreams ahead of me and a lifetime of special memories behind me. I am always mindful that in the blink of an eye all that I hold dear could be taken from me. My wish for you this week is that you will pause, reflect on your busy life, and let the power of gratitude transform you!

SO, THIS IS CHRISTMAS?

So, this is Christmas? Mass is done, the meals have been eaten and gifts have been exchanged. Yet, it feels just like another ordinary December day. I suppose it's really just a state of mind. It is just getting to that place that is the difficult part.

It's just difficult to get excited about Christmas. The Nativity Story- it's a tired old story we've no doubt heard hundreds of times. I'm sure that for most of us it is simply another story we gloss over, rather than make an effort to truly meditate upon its meaning as though we were hearing the story for the very first time.

It's difficult to get excited about the gifts. Searching for perfect gifts is a hassle, dealing with crowds and actually devoting the time necessary to make the magic happen is often an insurmountable task, given the demands most of us are under at this "most wonderful time of the year". Receiving gifts is an altogether different story.

Here's my confession: You can breathe a sigh of relief. I believe this is my last rant for the year about Christmas. I know I am blessed beyond measure, both at Christmas and always. I have an abundance of gifts, love and friendships. My material possessions are more than I perhaps deserve. I'm well aware, as I think we all are, that it could all be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I guess what it boils down to is that the "magic" of Christmas has somehow, for me, been stripped away. It is a season approached more with a sense of dread than excitement.

I just have to come to face the truth that the Christmases I experienced in my childhood are part of the past. It is time to move along and create new traditions. My interaction with my family is not as amiable as it once was. My life, in general, is in a state of flux. Many changes loom on the horizon.

So, this Christmas is history. Perhaps the merriment will return next year. Meanwhile, I'll keep in mind the blessings I've received, and have a thankful. I hope your Christmas was full of peace and happiness.

REFLECTIONS OF GRATITUDE

I've been on vacation this week. I'm grateful for the down time. Parker and I made a quick trip to visit his brother's family in Louisiana at the beginning of the week. I'm grateful for our safe journey.

While this week has not been perhaps as productive as I had somehow hoped it would be, the thought comes to me that perhaps that is actually the point. Vacation-a time to relax, regroup, unwind. On some levels, I believe I've been able to achieve those goals.

I am grateful that my hole-in-the ceiling incident last night didn't cause any more damage to either me or the house. I went to the doctor just to be checked out, and it seems I am fine. I'm very fortunate, and indeed grateful.

I am grateful for the letter I revived from Brandee this week, and that the small hand-me-down gift I was able to send her brought her enjoyment and a bit of holiday cheer.

I'm grateful that this holiday season is almost over. Some people just don't understand my lack of enthusiasm over the holiday, while others understand all too well. I'm grateful for those who are able to celebrate the season with the childhood innocence and merriment, as well as for those, who, like me, approach the season with more dread than merriment and more contempt than celebration.

Here’s my confession: As I pause each week to reflect on my many blessings, I am constantly reminded that I have so much for which to be grateful. I am so guilty of taking the simple elements of the day-to-day for granted. The very fact that I am able to get out of bed each morning is something that many people are unable to do, yet, I don’t give it much thought. I am grateful for friends who encourage me. I am grateful for hopes and dreams and for the determination I’ve been given to follow through. I am grateful for the catharsis this blog brings to me.

DOWNWARD SPIRAL

It was all going so well, my vacation, that is, until tonight. While helping Parker move a shelf into our attic tonight, I made a misstep, fell backwards and put a hole in the ceiling above our living room, and am very sore where I fell on my side. After cleaning up drywall and insulation from the living room, we went out to get something for dinner, and then had a quick errand to run afterwards. That was going fine until we ended up having to spend more time than I cared to spend doing so, as we ended up having to visit with family for far longer than I cared to do. Then, listening to Sirius Out Q (Sirius Satellite Radio) on the way home, the host was talking about sex and things of a sexual nature, which quickly reminded me of another sore subject for me-my relationship. Sitting in the passenger side of Parker’s car on the 25 or so minute drive home, we barely spoke to one another, a situation that is becoming more and more common.

We get home, I’m tired, and ready to just relax. Of course, one cat had something different in mind, deciding he need to vomit, so I had to clean that up, and looking up, I am reminded of the fall I took earlier in the evening that will no doubt cost us money that we already don’t have to repair. I maintain that it was an honest mistake and what’s done is done, I shouldn’t spend any time dwelling on it. Yet, I think perhaps it was a stupid mistake. I should have known better than to step where I stepped, but how could I know where I was stepping…it was covered with pink insulation?

Here’s my confession: The events of earlier this evening were just enough to start me on a downward spiral. For the last few weeks, I’ve genuinely been feeling very well about life. I’ve been feeling confident and on top of life for the first time in as long as I can remember, perhaps ever. Yet, my fall reminded me of failings in my relationship, general unhappiness with other areas of life. I felt the feelings of anxiety and stress that I haven’t felt in at least a couple of months. Feelings of inferiority, insecurity and being a general screw up have manifested themselves this evening. It’s like being back on a roller coaster ride that I thought had ended some time ago. I’m sure this is just a minor set back, yet, I struggle to fight these fears which have, for so long, held me captive. Move along, I remind myself. “You’ve come too far to fall backwards.” I’ll bounce back. To quote a line from one of my favorite holiday songs, Dolly Parton's “Hard Candy Christmas”: “I’ll be fine and dandy, Lord it’s like a hard Candy Christmas, barely getting through tomorrow, but still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down.” That sums it up. In a holiday season when I’m having trouble maintaining the holiday spirit, I am long for simplicity. My inspiration is the special cat that is lying beside me sleeping very peacefully. He appears to have no stress, no worries. If only I could be so lucky.

MILESTONES

There were two significant events which occurred ten years ago today, December 18, 1997. It was just a regular Thursday to most people. For me, it was the day I finished work on my Bachelor of Arts degree with a major in music. It was the realization of a goal. The second event of the day, while not personally affecting me, was none the less significant. It was the death of Saturday Night Live actor and comedian Chris Farley. I remember hearing the news as I was preparing to leave my apartment that evening, and will always associate that news with the date that I finished my degree.

Certainly for me, the completion of my degree was a significant milestone in my life. Yet, for me, it was less about the lessons and theories I had learned, and more about the things I had learned about myself represented by my diploma. It was the lifelong friendships gained, the obstacles overcome and the fact that I had actually accomplished something I had set out to achieve.

Here's my confession: A decade has passed since I finished my undergraduate degree. There have been many amazing changes in my life since that day. I'm not the same person I was back then. I believe I am more mature, confident, focused, and, in a greater sense, altogether a better person. While that milestone I reached ten years ago was a significant one, there are other milestones which lie ahead. Growing intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually are goals for the days and months ahead. In recent months, I’ve begun taking active steps toward the next significant milestones in my life. December 18, 1997 was just a stepping stone in the larger picture of my future. So, I am declaring today, ten years later, on December 18, 2007, that I am committed to bringing major changes into my life, embracing new challenges

REFLECTIONS OF GRATITUDE, WEEK 3

I pause again tonight to reflect on the things for which I am grateful. This has been a week in which I’ve found it hard to be motivated to do much of anything. Perhaps it is the Holiday Season and all the hoopla that goes with it or certain situations going on in my life at this particular time, maybe a combination of all the above.

I am again grateful for the opportunities afforded me this week to share my musical talents with others, for those who have offered me words of encouragement. I am grateful for the passion for music, something that for a while had been lying dormant in me, but is now returning. I am grateful for future opportunities to grow musically.

I am grateful for the wonderful gift of memories-memories of more simple times, of special people who have touched my life in some form or fashion. I am grateful for the memories of holidays long gone, for those who are no longer with us.

I am grateful for friendships. I have a few very close friends who, even if I don’t get to see them in person very often, are such an incredible source of strength for me.

As I look back over the last week and reflect on the things which stand out in my mind for which I’m most grateful, I would have to say that I am most grateful for the prospects which lie ahead of me for the future. For those of you with whom I’ve shared these prospects and changes which are increasingly coming into fruition, I am grateful for your support and encouragement. They mean more to me than you will ever know. For those I haven’t shared with, stay tuned. More changes will become apparent in coming months. I am grateful for the guidance my counselor has been giving me. The future looks very bright.

I am grateful for a week of vacation which lies ahead of me. I am hopeful that it will be a time of rest, reflection and decisiveness.

Here’s my confession: Sometimes it really takes a lot effort to find things for which to be grateful. Life is not always easy, and it is often easier to focus on the negative than the positive. I’ve spent a great deal of my life focusing on the negative. However, it is far more beneficial to focus on the positive events, people and things in our lives.

As always, I am grateful to you, my most faithful readers, for your comments. They mean so much more to me than you will know, and make me feel that my work here is not in vain. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

THAT RING DON'T MEAN A THING

Being the gay guy in the office, it seems I am often the go-to guy to figure out the sexual orientations of people in the workplace. Why this private bit of information is so important I haven't yet figured out myself, although, I admit, I am as guilty of wanting to know as much as anyone. I have an uncanny knack, it would seem, for gathering info on people. Really, I just have good research skills on the Internet mixed with a little bit of luck.

There is a guy in our office, I'll call him "Andrew". He's married (to a woman), has a couple of kids and, by most accounts, makes me look straight. He's always nicely dressed, is "one of the guys", and yet swishes around like he's a princess. I don't get it. He doesn't often make contact with me, but then again, I can understand his fear of exposure. "But he's married." if I've heard it once, I've heard it fifty times. I'm sorry...that ring don't mean a thing, except, of course, that he's possibly hiding his sexual orientation behind a marriage and family. There are many married men "keeping it on the down low". Many men are bi, or at least bi-curious. We live in an age when sex is relatively easy to come by, given the accessibility of the Internet to meet people. I have to wonder if it's more common now or if it's just more obvious. There’s another guy, I’ll call him “Tim”. He, too, is married, wears a wedding ring, but everyone is all abuzz about whether or not he is gay, straight or bi. Why it really matters, I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s the “novelty” of knowing someone who is gay, maybe it’s the mystery of knowing someone’s “dirty little secret” or maybe it’s just great fodder for office gossip.

I’m sure that these men, and countless others, have their own reasons for hiding behind their rings. Regardless of who we are, we all have skeletons in our closets. We all have things we don’t want to disclose to those with whom we interact on a daily basis. There are things, for whatever reason, we don’t want people to know about our personal lives. And, really, that’s probably the way it should be. Yet, in reality, it’s hard to hide everything, and speculation often runs rampant regardless of how open or closed we are, whether it be about our sexual orientation, if we’ve filed for bankruptcy, if we’re heading for divorce or any other number of circumstances in which we may find ourselves.

Here’s my confession: I’ve been sitting on this blog for nearly a month, not really knowing for certain why I was writing it until I had an epiphany of sorts a few days ago. I was thinking about the ring that I wear on my left hand given to me by Parker on the day we had our commitment ceremony. What does that ring mean? What was once a symbol of love and commitment, I’ve realized that lately, for me, is more of an accessory I wear than a symbol of something deeper. Many of those closest to me already know of this skeleton in my closet, some do not. Now, you do. It has taken me a while to be honest with myself about this situation and come to terms with it. Perhaps this is how those men I mentioned earlier feel about their situations. Maybe it is nobody’s business, maybe it is. At any rate, deeply personal issues can cause us to cower away from the truth, but is it not the truth that sets us free? Is it not the truth that makes us the bigger person? Does not being true to ourselves at the very core bring us a peace? Certainly all those ideals are easier to implement in theory than to put into practice. I know I have a way to go for the truth to truly set me free, but believe I will arrive.

SOLITUDE

I have always been somewhat of an introvert. Perhaps it is because, despite my repeated requests and pleas for a sibling, I am an only child. Perhaps it is because I was born under the astrological sign of Cancer. Perhaps it is just a culmination of all my life's experience. Whatever the purpose, in recent months I have gained an even greater appreciation for these moments.

As I have journeyed down the trail of self-improvement and awareness, I have turned even more introspective. Just a few months ago, I could have been classified as co-dependent. I used to spend my evenings chatting online with friends. I always wanted to be around Parker. Now I rarely even turn the messenger program on. I now send Parker to run errands by himself. I've filled my time with learning foreign languages, playing "brainy" games on my Nintendo DS or just lying with a cat or two watching television.

It is in the quietness of being at home alone in which I am finding the most peace these days. That is such a change for me. I’ve never been able to truly relax. I continue to look for ways to improve myself. I’m committed to making more time for solitude as I approach the days ahead and certainly in the New Year.

Here’s my confession: I’ve always enjoyed being alone, because for a large portion of my life, that is all I’ve ever been. Now, learning how to make those rare moments of solitude and quietness in a world that is full of obligations most productive is my goal. I believe it is in the quietness of these moments that I will grow the most.

REFLECTIONS OF GRATITUDE

As I pause this week to reflect on the things for which I am grateful, I am mindful that even in a week that was rather blasé to me, there are still far more blessings for which to be grateful than to be disappointed.

I am grateful for moments of solitude, moments in which I am alone with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my raw emotions. I am grateful for the clarity these moments provide, the peace I am finding in truly delving into who I am at the core. I am grateful for the coming into a greater self-awareness.

I am grateful for those who offer to me their well-intentioned opinions, although perhaps not exactly opinions I am seeking. I am grateful for those who care for me on a deep and personal level. I am thankful for the depth and love that friendships can provide.

I am again grateful for my musical talents and the opportunities I’ve had to share those gifts with others, for the compliments that others give to me, for the edification their words bring to me.

I am grateful for Brandee, my college friend with whom I’ve recently renewed an epistolary relationship. I am grateful for the depth of her soul which she laid out in her epistle to me, and for the cathartic experience we both experienced in our writing. I am also grateful for the deep and enriching experiences she has shared with me, which are not unlike situations through which I myself am going, and will be going in the future. I am also grateful for G who is a constant source of encouragement through my blog and by her very presence in my life. She seems to see something deeper in me, and sees the potential that lies ahead for me.

I am grateful that in spite of my lack of enthusiasm for most of life this week, my fatigue and being generally withdrawn from life, that I have made it to the other side of this week. I am grateful for visions I have for my future, peace that I am gaining along the way to follow my dreams and for those holding my hand as I make the arduous journey.
I am grateful for being at a place in my life where I am finally being honest with myself.

Here’s my confession: This week has been tough. It’s been jam-packed with obligations. I’ve been very tired. Yet, I know that while it would be easy to stop and bitch, that is not beneficial. Pausing and looking at my life with a grateful heart and attitude are for more effective. There’s always someone out there who would give anything to have the life that I have. Whatever difficulties I am encountering along my journey, they certainly pale in comparison to so the situations of so many others. I must be mindful of that.

EVERYONE KNOWS BEST

It seems everyone has an opinion on the way I need to handle things in my life. "Just reach out to your parents again." they say. "You and Parker have a great relationship." "Maybe you guys just need a hobby." Not everything is that easy or that cut and dried. It is often so much easier to say than to actually do. The exterior view is not always as clear as the interior view. In almost every life there are skeletons in a closet. For example, the battered spouse tries hard not to expose those wounds for the rest of the world to see. And so it is with all of us. No matter how open we are about our lives, there's almost always an element we try to hide. We live a grand façade. We fear the rejection, the mumbling behind our backs and the vulnerability that may come about by our being completely honest with the people in and around our lives.

I suppose I should be grateful that people care enough about my happiness to express their thoughts and concerns, but there are times when the "sound" advice crosses a line, especially when the advice is unsolicited. It's one thing to ask for one's opinion, and quite another to be on the hot seat, so to speak, being told that you should do this or that, when a solution wasn't even being sought.

The things that are going on in my relationship are not things easily remedied by talking to one another, finding a hobby, finding different ways of connecting. They go far deeper than that. Things with my parents aren't as easily resolved by writing a letter, or reaching out in some other way that hasn't been tried before. Most of these issues have been compounded over the years. The Berlin Wall wasn't built in a day and its destruction didn't come about in a day, either. So it is with these relationship issues in my life. The "walls" have taken a period of time to be built up. And, if there is to be resolution, or breaking down, as it were, it will take time as well.

Here's my confession: I am grateful for the people in my life who show care and concern for me. However, sometimes it is hard when those who don’t know the whole story are the first to offer advice. It’s frustrating when you’ve done so much work on your own and some people negate your progress by saying “oh, you’ve been working on this or that? I hadn’t noticed.” Sometimes, it seems that people are more willing to point out the splinter in my eye while ignoring the plank in their own eye. Maybe that’s just human nature. At any rate, I’m going to just keep my chin up and realize that one day, all my problems are going to meet their solutions. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but it will happen. Everyone has opinion. We just have to learn when to keep ours to ourselves and when they are welcomed by someone else.

REMEMBERING CHRISTMASES LONG, LONG AGO

There is something about childhood and Christmas, at least for me there was. It was about family togetherness. Christmas Eve was when we would all gather for the celebration with my mom's side of the family. There was always a huge meal, extended family and friends would be there. It was, as I recall, about as perfect as a Christmas could possibly be. It was a time of togetherness and love, in spite of whatever dysfunctionality there may have been. It was a far more simple time. It was a happy time. It just seemed like Christmas is "supposed" to be. Christmas Day was generally always spent with my dad's side of the family. We'd eat another big meal, exchange gifts and usually having a hymn sing-a- long, commonly referred to as "pickin' and grinnin'".

That was then. This is now. The times have changed, the people have changed. Some of those who made the holidays so special are no longer living. Those of us who remain are all older now. Time has changed us, too. The family dynamics aren't what they once were. There have been marriages, divorces, deaths and the birth of a different generation. The family friends who would join us all have families of their own now. My young cousins are now adults with spouses of their own. I have come out as a gay man and moved away after college. My last fond Christmas memory was twenty years ago. Something truly changed after Christmas of 1987. Yet, I do not know what.

Here's my confession: Once a time of great expectation and anticipation, the holiday season is now just a time of dread and a source of fatigue. I, myself, haven't been home for Christmas in over five years. I haven't spoken to my mother in nearly two of those years. Celebrating Christmas seems merely an obligation now, rather than the images a Norman Rockwell painting might evoke. Putting up the Christmas Tree was once an activity which was looked forward to ,but is now just another chore on the already too long list of things to prepare for this "most joyous of seasons". It's hard to remember what truly giving a gift from the heart felt like. And those dreadful holiday songs! They are like love songs with a holiday theme. They evoke images of fantasies and fiction. When, honestly, was the last time you went gliding in a one-horse open sleigh? Exactly. Never, and neither have I. I've experienced the occasional White Christmas, if you want to call it that. Maybe I should try looking at Christmas through the innocence of a child's eyes, rather than my jaded and tired adult eyes. Maybe, just maybe, the wonder and merriment would return.

GREETING CARDS

For those who care enough to send the very best, Hallmark claims to have a card for you to send. There are mushy cards about love, every variety of card immaginable from every occassion from your birthdays to holidays, going away cards, sympathy cards, even symphathy cards for the loss of a beloved family pet. The cards range from side-splitting hilarious to sappy and sentimental.

Even in a society where writing letters has fallen to the wayside, the greeting card is still very much alive. The store rows are packed with people trying to select the perfect card for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas. Sometimes, though, it just isn't possible to find a card that fully expresses one's heartfelt emotions.

Here's my confession: Sometimes, no matter how hard you look, the perfect card is just simply not available. For those of us, like me, who may not have a great relationship with family members, the mushy crap about what a great mother you are, what a perfect aunt, etc. just don't suffice. Greeting card companies should develop the Dysfunctional Relationsips line of cards-something that says "Happy Holidays Mom and Dad! You sucked as parents and screwed up my life" or "Happy Anniversary! You are a sorry excuse for a wife", "Happy Birthday, Son. You were a mistake, but we decided to keep you anyway". What about same-sex couples? There's no mainstream line of cards for this segment of the population and thereby must resort to chosing something generic to give their loved one.

If you are going to the time and trouble to pick out a greeting card, don't you want to find one that honestly expresses your true feelings? There's nothing more disappointing than coming up empty handed, or worse-settleing for something less-at the card store because sometimes no matter how hard you look, there's just not a "perfect card".