It was all going so well, my vacation, that is, until tonight. While helping Parker move a shelf into our attic tonight, I made a misstep, fell backwards and put a hole in the ceiling above our living room, and am very sore where I fell on my side. After cleaning up drywall and insulation from the living room, we went out to get something for dinner, and then had a quick errand to run afterwards. That was going fine until we ended up having to spend more time than I cared to spend doing so, as we ended up having to visit with family for far longer than I cared to do. Then, listening to Sirius Out Q (Sirius Satellite Radio) on the way home, the host was talking about sex and things of a sexual nature, which quickly reminded me of another sore subject for me-my relationship. Sitting in the passenger side of Parker’s car on the 25 or so minute drive home, we barely spoke to one another, a situation that is becoming more and more common.
We get home, I’m tired, and ready to just relax. Of course, one cat had something different in mind, deciding he need to vomit, so I had to clean that up, and looking up, I am reminded of the fall I took earlier in the evening that will no doubt cost us money that we already don’t have to repair. I maintain that it was an honest mistake and what’s done is done, I shouldn’t spend any time dwelling on it. Yet, I think perhaps it was a stupid mistake. I should have known better than to step where I stepped, but how could I know where I was stepping…it was covered with pink insulation?
Here’s my confession: The events of earlier this evening were just enough to start me on a downward spiral. For the last few weeks, I’ve genuinely been feeling very well about life. I’ve been feeling confident and on top of life for the first time in as long as I can remember, perhaps ever. Yet, my fall reminded me of failings in my relationship, general unhappiness with other areas of life. I felt the feelings of anxiety and stress that I haven’t felt in at least a couple of months. Feelings of inferiority, insecurity and being a general screw up have manifested themselves this evening. It’s like being back on a roller coaster ride that I thought had ended some time ago. I’m sure this is just a minor set back, yet, I struggle to fight these fears which have, for so long, held me captive. Move along, I remind myself. “You’ve come too far to fall backwards.” I’ll bounce back. To quote a line from one of my favorite holiday songs, Dolly Parton's “Hard Candy Christmas”: “I’ll be fine and dandy, Lord it’s like a hard Candy Christmas, barely getting through tomorrow, but still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down.” That sums it up. In a holiday season when I’m having trouble maintaining the holiday spirit, I am long for simplicity. My inspiration is the special cat that is lying beside me sleeping very peacefully. He appears to have no stress, no worries. If only I could be so lucky.
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You know-It was one night. Just one night. It was a CRAPPY night, with the hole in the ceiling and the cat vomit, but it is now a past event. The old behaviors and habits are always going to be there, lurking beneath the surface for you: It's because that's who you ARE. The habits and old stuff will never really totally vanish, but it's the new stuff, the new practices you have to rehearse over and over and over to keep the old at bay. My issues are with food. I kept my weight off for 5 years. The old stuff was still there-waiting to have a chance to creep back. So, you're on an emotional "Weight Watchers," if you will. Learning what works for you now, putting those things into practice in your daily life, but know that you will have a brownie or two, hell, you might even have a glorified binge now and then. The true measure of how far you've come is how you deal with the setbacks. Nothing will ever be perfect, this is a test. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and forgive yourself for the extra "decorations" in the living room, and get back to being busy being happy. Make the choice. It IS a choice. You can wallow in self-pity or chose to be a happier person. Not talking about the truth of what's going on with your partner is wearing your down, too. That kind of hiding takes an enormous amount of energy. You're making the choice not to deal with that right now. There is a price, but you'll start that process when you're ready. It's YOUR process. Own it and forgive yourself for being imperfect. But remember that your are GLORIOUSLY imperfect. We love you AND the hole in your ceiling! Have a cup of Milo's tea...maybe that will brighten up your day! The weather affects me, too-maybe the gray of the day got to you...anyway-YOU. WILL. BE. FINE. Enjoy the truth of the fact that you're not having to work this week! Enjoy it all...
Oddly enough, I put in your cd this morning and listened to the words of "Hard Candy Christmas" for the first time.
Words of wisdom from my therapist: "Two steps forward, one step back." I don't know if you followed my blog when I was talking about feeling like I was in a well and I would climb and struggle, and just when I could see the light at the top, someone or something would kick me back down again. Linda would just look at me and say "Two steps forward, one step back." My response in the back of my mind was always, "whatever, Linda." She's right though. I'm out of my well now. I'm not saying I won't stumble in again, but I actually made it out this time. I don't think I've ever been here before. I used to sit on the top and look around, but I'm out of it now, living. You can make it here too. I promise. You've come a long way.
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