GOODBYE, HOUSE ON LOT NUMBER NINE

January 31, 2010
Dear House,

This letter is bittersweet because its writing signifies the closing of one very important chapter of my adult life. It makes final the ending of a relationship, a struggle with finances and burden of inconveniences which defy words.

The first time I walked through your doors, I thought you were beautiful. You were so spacious. You had an upstairs, a downstairs and a beautiful staircase. You had a garage. You had a jetted tub! You were PERFECT!!! You were the next logical step in a relationship for Parker and me. You were the home to our prized and cherished possessions. Your expansive rooms gave our cats a place to place and play and explore. Just a few short weeks after our first visit and in what seemed like a whirlwind of activity, Parker and I found ourselves living inside your walls.

You were a shelter and briefly a home for two individuals who believed themselves in love. Yours were the walls where from within I found my voice, my strength, my courage. You were the place were tears were shed, smiles were exchanged, and love was shared. You were the place where some dreams were realized and still others were crushed. And still, hope lived on. You were the place where memories were made.

The day after closing on the house, my life-long dream of owning a baby grand piano come to reality. In your walls I was allowed to foster my skills as a pianist. You also were the birthplace of this blog. So many wonderful things came about within your walls. There were celebrations with friends inside your walls.

Some have questioned why we would live so far away from the city, far away from work and social activities. And, yes, the drive did become tiresome. The difficulty of maintaining the house became too much mentally, emotionally and financially. But that wasn’t your fault. You are four beautiful walls—walls, I suppose I’ll always remember.

Here’s my confession: Today, as I walked through you for what would be my final time, I reflected on the good times, the memories, the joy you brought into my life. I thought of the friends in the neighborhood I wouldn’t have known had it not been for your location. I thought of Parker, fondly, as I remembered the few months we shared there as a couple. For, it is on this date that I also remember the decision Parker and I made two years ago today, January 31, 2008, to separate as a couple.

I have no doubt that one day a fine family will once again inhabit your walls again. I hope for them that you will continue to provide warmth, shelter and a place where memories will flourish. For me, dear house, you provided so many wonderful opportunities. Regrets? Yes, I have a few. But, I’m thankful for the time we shared, for the memories I hold dear and for the hope I have of brighter days ahead.

GRATITUDE 01.29.10

As I sit down to type this tonight, the sound of silence surrounds me. I’m feeling as though I’m in a peaceful, happy place. As I reflect on my life in the silence of this evening, the thought comes to me that there are quite possibly no greater gifts in this life than love and friendship. I’m grateful and humbled to have both in my life.

I have just come home from a great evening with Christopher and Grant at the opera. What an amazing evening of laughter and friendship. I’m grateful for the friendship with Trent, Gray & Kyle. I’m thankful for Lee & Jane. I’m grateful for the people who are part of my day-to-day life. I’m grateful each morning that I check my email and there’s a most often a message from Trent and another from Gray. These quick little messages mean so much to me.

I’m grateful for group of men who come together to form our men’s chorus. The chorus is a family, and it is a blessing to be a part of such a positive group of men. If I look back over the last two years of my life, my biggest step in growth came from accepting the challenge to walk into the doors of that first rehearsal. My life is forever changed for good because of it. I shudder to even imagine what my life would be like without my choir family.

I’m grateful that each day is a day of new beginnings. I’m grateful for my cats who share their love with in the way that only know how. I’m grateful for the grace and joy that surround me and the steps of hope in which I trod.

Here’s my confession: Life is about attitude. Over the time that I’ve developed an attitude of gratitude, it has made me appreciate the people and things in my life. The lyric to one of my favorite songs says “Simple truth will keep you going; simple love will keep you strong. There are questions without answers and flames that never die, and heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise”.
It is so true in my life. The simple things in my life really are the things for which I am most grateful. It’s the people who love me for who I am, the people who accept me for who I am who I am, and see the man I’m going to be. That’s what I’m grateful for this week. And, it’s this gratitude that keeps me strong when it feels like everything else in the world is crumbling around me.

PLACE IN THIS WORLD

“The wind is moving But I am standing still A life of pages Waiting to be filled A heart that's hopeful I head that's full of dreams But this becoming Is harder than it seems Feels like I'm Looking for a reason Roamin' for the night to find My place in this world My place in this world Not a lot to lean on I need your light to help me find My place in this world My place in this world” -Michael W. Smith

It is hard to believe that it has been almost 18 years since I stood before my graduating class and sang Michael W. Smith’s “Place in This World” for our baccalaureate service. I thought I had it all figured out back then. I was going to college, I was going to become a teacher and I’d be back in a few years at that same school teaching music and foreign language. The only part of that scenario that happened is that I went to college and got a degree in music. There were no teaching credentials, no mastery of any foreign language.

Instead, I found myself post-graduation moving to Birmingham, Alabama. I instantly fell in love with this place I have now called home for the last twelve years of my life. I’ve been going to the same job the entire time I’ve been here. My “day job” has nothing to do with music.

Lately, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what my place in this world truly is. The most comforting part of my journey is that I know today that I am not alone. In the last couple of years, I’ve been blessed with many people to accompany on the journey. I have friends—true and loving friends—who support me and give me thoughts on life. I think I’m in a transitional place. If someone had told me as recently as two years ago that I’d be where I am today, I’m not certain that I would have believed them.

Here’s my confession: I do often feel that the wind is moving, but I am standing still. I feel like there are many chapters left to be written. I’m just waiting on the opportunity to pursue those dreams that are still in my heart. I firmly believe that every single, minute detail of our lives is orchestrated in a way to lead us to the next step in life. Whether the next step is a new career, a new relationship or something else, I am ready to discover my place in this world. I’m looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world. It’s frustrating as hell sometimes because I want to just get a glimpse of the vision RIGHT NOW. But, patience is part of the process in finding my place. It seems that I am, in many ways right back where I was eighteen years ago. Now, I’m just trusting in the hand of providence, the insight of my trusted friends and my own gut to go out there and find it, and if it isn’t out there to be found, create it. On my refrigerator hangs a magnet which says “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about CREATING yourself.” I like that. So, I go forth to find my place in this world…to create my place in this world. And I go in peace, hope and expectation, knowing that one day, probably when I least expect it—it will all come to full fruition.

LOVE IS…

Love is the simple “good morning” email you receive from your best friends first thing in the morning. Love is a text random text message just saying hello. Love is the knowledge that while you are estranged from your own family, that there are friends who care enough about me to accept me exactly as I am. Love is having a family of choice to hold me up when my family of origin has seemingly turned their backs on me.

Love is the way my cat falls to the floor and rolls around and meows telling me about his day when I get home—and how my other cat feels the need to run to the food bowl to welcome me home.

Love is the memories shared by two old friends, and the moments that create new memories between new friends. Love is knowing that in both the new and old friendships there is a solace and peace.

Love is the song that lives in my heart, long after the music has faded. Love is the melody that flows from my fingers as they make their ways across the piano keyboard.

Love is the dream that on a not too distant tomorrow he’ll show up—somewhere out of the blue and sweep me off my feet, and I’ll know that he’s the one I’ve been waiting on.

Love is daring to accept myself as the beautiful, imperfect creature God created me to be. Love is daring to be true to those around me, to not hide the truth that I’m a gay man. Love is rejecting the pain others would inflict upon me because I am who I am. Love is standing up for myself.

And, above all, love is forgiveness—forgiveness for every idle word, for every hurtful thing, LOVE IS. Love is being the bigger person.

Here’s my confession: Love is a friendship so new and pure. Love is long established friendship with someone who knows everything there is to know about you and they still love you. Love is quiet, reverent and scared and love is also erotic, pure and the greatest command of all. Love is more than just a word--it's an action, a promise and a believe. Love is a mystery.

HOW LONG, O LORD?

To me, one of the most comforting passages of scripture has always been Psalm 13 which reads:
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”

I’ve found myself in recent weeks in just a state of being, for lack of a better term, unsettled. While none of us know what tomorrow holds, I’d just like to have a grasp, a glimpse, an idea. So many dreams, so many fears, so many possibilities.

I’ve come so very far in the last couple of years of life. There have been periods of sustained and visible growth in who I am, changes I set out to make and there have been times when I feel like I’ve hit the brick wall and may never bounce back. The truth is, I almost always bounce back.

I have a lot of hopes, I have a lot of dreams, and I have a lot of fears. How often do I feel that I have just been left here to figure it all out on my own, like my God has, as the Psalmist puts it, forgotten me. The scripture passage has meant so very much to me since I first read it as a teenager, when I first began wrestling and coming to grips with my sexual identity. No other scripture passage brought me comfort during those difficult times.

Here’s my confession: I try, every day, to look for ways to grow as a friend, as a member of society and as an individual. I often wrestle with discovering exactly who I am. I wrestle with the direction my life is heading. I try to be true to myself, and thereby true to others. I hope to that end I am overwhelmingly, abundantly successful. I can’t help wondering about what lies ahead for me personally, professionally, spiritually. I know that change is coming. I am confident that I’m going to meet my special someone, I’m confident that all will be well and there will be peace. But above all that, I am confident that no, my God has not forgotten me. I’m confident that the plans are firmly in place. Those plans will happen not in my timing, but in the timing of the supreme power of an almighty and all-loving God. Therefore, even in the midst of my questioning, my pondering, my impatience, I can be certain that God’s still listening to my prayers, God’s face is not hidden from me, and all the wrestling will one day come to an end.

GRATITUDE 01.22.10

I’ve had such a feeling of being “unsettled” this week that it’s almost overwhelming. Yet, even in the midst of a week that has been up and down for me emotionally, I’m grateful.

I am grateful for a successful week at work in which for the first time in a VERY long time, I have not only made my monthly sales quota, but exceeded it. My bank account and I are both delighted about that.

I’m grateful for friends who have come into my life by such serendipitous means. This week I have discovered some long lost friends online and have even made a few new friends.

I’m grateful for an amazing start to the spring season of the MCCS. We are starting out with well over 90 men. That’s something to be so very proud of. This should be our greatest semester to date.

I’m grateful for the gifts of love that are in my life from so many sources. While my cats frustrate me sometimes, I feel their love in the ways they know to give it. I’m grateful for my close friends who support me in a way I could have never imagined. If someone had told me two years ago that I would have as many friends as I now have, I imagine I would have laughed in their face. To think that I would have come out of my shell so much in such a short amount of time is just mind boggling. For all the worst and all the best, I have been blessed.

I’m grateful for the things I may all too often take for granted—my musical abilities. While I am not perfect, I know I’ve been blessed with skills many only dream of possessing. I’ve grown so much as a musician in the last few years that it’s beyond my comprehension. My hope and prayer is the patience and perseverance to keep growing.

Here’s my confession: While I’m very much in a state of being unsettled, I believe I see some peace in the midst of the storm. The last couple of nights I’ve been able to sit down and do nothing. I pray for more of these simplistic evenings. I’m grateful for the beauty in my life. Things are not always perfect, peaceful and joyous, but it all balances out, somehow, in the end. I’m grateful for the beauty in this life and the many people on the journey with me who make it so beautiful!

LOST

The last couple of years, and especially the last few months of my life have been filled with constant and seemingly unstoppable change. I’m in a place professionally where I often question what I’m really doing and why I’m doing. I’ve spent the better part of the last year as a single gay man, and I have recently begun to wonder about life in the dating world again. I’ve walked away from a house Parker and I should have known better than to purchase.

I’m estranged from a family into which I was always the oddball anyway. I often wonder why things have happened as they have. I’d be lying if I said I don’t wonder what my family of origin is doing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish for some sort of closure. I’d also be lying if I said that my family of choice I’ve created over the last couple of years as an adult isn’t the greatest blessing in my life.

Worries about money, relationships that have not yet come to fruition consume my thoughts.

Questions about my spiritual life also cause me question my faith, to constantly examine the faith I hold so dear. It seems to be a part of my life in a constant state of evolution. Like so many, I take my place at the church and follow all the rituals, but rarely leave changed any more than I was before the mass began.

Here’s my confession: There are so many more questions in my day to day than answers. I often feel lost. I feel a need for closure in so many areas and the necessity to leap forward in still others. What I do daily is try to be the best friend I can possibly be. I seek to grow as a friend, an employee, a musician and, someday, partner to some wonderful man. It’s frustrating, being surrounded by so many people I know and knowing that I, myself, am on an uncharted territory. The best I can do is know that the tomorrows will be brighter than so many wildest dreams.

THE MASKS WE WEAR

We all wear masks. We wear them to hide the pain, insecurities, and fears. We may also wear them to make ourselves appear more important, influential or more superior. Maybe we wear the masks not to fool other people, but to fool ourselves into believing we are something we aren’t.

Masks are there to protect us from the cruel cold realities of this world. The masks are there to hide our flaws or to accentuate or strengths—either real or imagined. While the masks we wear are not literal, I can’t help wondering how much Plaster of Paris it would take to create the real masks some of us wear.

Maybe we wear masks to protect those we love. Maybe we don’t want them to see the ugly that is underneath. What if our masks were to crack? What if our mask were to fall to the ground and crumble into a million pieces? Would those who truly love us love us any less? For if they love us, shouldn’t we let them know who we really are?

What if, just briefly, the masks came off? Would we find freedom or scorn? What if, by simply removing the mask we were able to truly able to articulate who we truly are, the emotions, the fears, and frustrations that have until that moment been hidden? What if, for a moment, we are able to love ourselves more deeply? What if we start being honest not only with ourselves, but those we profess to love gain a new love for us?

Here’s my confession: I wear a mask. There’s the public mask and the private mask. Usually, though, I believe those who know and love me find the masks pretty transparent. I want those who are part of my life to know me, to be able to tell what I’m feeling, what I’m trying to hide and call me down for it. I hope you, my friend, will consider removing your mask, if only for a moment. Take a look in the mirror—look at the beauty God has created in you. It’s there. You may have to scrape away the remnants left behind by the mask. God is love. You are God’s. Remove the mask. Share the love.

LESSONS IN LOVE

I’ve spent the last few days just thinking about things in life-what I want, where life is headed, where I’ve been. I’ve thought of how far I’ve come in the last couple of years—how I’ve gone from a shy person who didn’t really know a lot of people to a person who is in a position of leadership within the “gay” community here. I’ve gone from being such a co-dependant person to being mostly independent. My life has been in a constant state of change for a while now.

In the last couple of years, I’ve discovered many of my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve had good days and bad days. The greatest thing I’ve found is love. No, not the erotic kind of love, but a love between friends, a love that has come from my family of choice, and perhaps, in ways I’m still learning, love that comes from learning to love myself.

Here’s my confession: I’ve not always loved myself. There are days that I still don’t. But, there are far more days than not that I am filled with gratitude to still be on this earth. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what your friends think of you, it doesn’t matter what your parents think, and it doesn’t even matter what those outside voices tell you. What matters is what you know and believe to be true in your heart of hearts. For love true love comes from within, and that love from God, and love doesn’t get any more pure or real than that.

GRATITUDE 01.15.10

This has been for me a week of intense introspection. There’s no real reason, but my facebook status updates for the last several days have consisted of only one word updates. Perhaps some day I’ll understand what those words mean myself.

I’m grateful for the many blessings that have come to me this week. My greatest blessings remain to be the friends who hold such a very special place in my life. This week I’ve enjoyed some very fun times with Christopher and Grant. I enjoyed a fun-filled evening with Kyle last weekend, too. Men’s chorus began again this week. This group is absolutely one of the most important parts of my life. It’s through this group of men that I’ve found my voice, my social outlet, and an outpouring of love. It’s where I’ve found a large part of my family of choice.

I’m grateful for a week in which I was successful at work. I continue to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to even have a job. I continue to be grateful for all the many words of encouragement offered me by my colleagues and clients.

I’m grateful for the opportunities that lie ahead for me. I’m grateful for the one with whom I’ve yet to meet and fall in love. I have learned a lot in the interim period. I’ve learned a lot about myself, patience, and how to love and accept things about myself.

Here’s my confession: I’m not always as content as I wish I were. I struggle every day. But, I’m a work in progress. I’m blessed to have friends who keep me grounded, I have people who care, and that alone is worthy of all my gratitude.

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

In the last year, no doubt, if you’ve followed my blog or know me in person, you've witnessed many changes in my life. I've gone from having a “non-boyfriend boyfriend” to being single. You've seen me struggle with the house. You've seen me frustrated about work. You've seen me make mistakes; you've heard me say things I shouldn't have said, things that have been misinterpreted. You've listened to stories about my life. Yet, you've yet to see me cry.

Why haven't I cried? I don't know. Maybe I don't cry any more. There are times that my frustrations with money, life situation, living situation, professional life and even all the extra activities in which I'm involved are often more than I can handle, but I keep my head up. I keep going against the current. There are not a lot of things I try to hide from my closest friends and I can't hide much from them anyway. There are times that my patience is tried, there have been times when my dreams have been tossed and torn. There are times I pray for a flood of tears, but they just don't fall.

I've come a long way since that day almost two years ago when Parker and I decided to call our relationship quits. I've come a long way since I finally broke free of Lane. I've found something I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd find...independence and strength...an independence and strength that I am certain that I still haven't fully realized. Until recently, I have been content with being single. But, there's a part of me that longs to share this life while I still can. The truth of the matter is that I am lost. I don't know how to date. I've never really dated. My dates have turned into instant relationships. I feel like a teenager who doesn't know what to do. It's scary to me to be out here in the big old world. A friend’s question the other day sent me into a tailspin of contemplation: Why AREN'T people knocking down my door to get to me? Maybe I'm too nice? Maybe I'm too flirty? Maybe I've just not found the one yet? I do take solace in what my dear friends have told me...anyone who really gets to know me—the real me—can't help falling in love with me. That means a lot to me. That means a world to me. I do want to date. I want to experience life to its fullest.

I've found in my time on earth that it is true that everything happens for a reason. I go through a situation and learn lessons from that situation and apply it to the next situation. Mostly, I am happy in this life I've been given. There are a few strokes in the painting I would change, but the flaws are there for a reason, they are like scars that remind me of some event that I overcame, some situation that changed my life.

I wake up each morning thankful that I have a job to go to, regardless how miserably malcontent the people I work with and I are when we get there. I long to explore the next chapter of my life...a new career...a new love....and for the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by friends who REALLY do love me. I never thought myself worthy of such love, such friendship, such devotion, but I now accept that I am.

Worry. I do worry. I worry about money. I worry about how I'm going to pay the rent, the bills and fit everything in that needs to be fit in. The difference is that I no longer let that worry consume me. I don't worry that my family of origin does not bother to contact me. I don't worry, because I know that no matter how dismal things may look, I'm never alone.

Here's my confession: One day I'll find the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I imagine at the end of that rainbow is much joy, success, happiness, peace and LOVE. I imagine a day, maybe not so far way, when I am able to give love and receive love. I imagine a day when I'll love when I'm doing what I love, and love what I'm doing. I imagine a day when my faith will rebound and I won't be going through the motions. I imagine a day when today's struggles are tomorrow's humor. I imagine a day, not so far away, when I'll be complete, when problems find their solutions, when dreams never die. I imagine a day. I imagine a night. I imagine a lifetime. And, I imagine you'll be there, too. I imagine that just like that beautiful rainbow, my life, now a little tired and grey will shine again, will shine anew with beautiful and vibrant tones. One day I'll find it—the Rainbow Connection. The Lovers, The Dreamers. And Me.

THINKING

I’ve spent a lot of today thinking. I’ve been thinking of many things, my true calling, the many blessings in my life and where my life is headed. I’m thinking about friends who mean so much to me, friends who know me so very much better than I even know myself.

I’ve been thinking about how I have so many dreams inside this head of mine. I’ve been thinking about how good life is, in so many ways, yet how frustrated I am that I don’t see things moving faster than I wish they would.

I think of how afraid I am to start dating again—how afraid I am of putting my heart out there again—of taking that risk of being loved or not having the love returned. I think of how much I’ve grown in this interim period since I’ve dated anyone, and how it hasn’t killed me, how I really haven’t known a great deal of loneliness, either, thanks to the amazing people in my life.

I think of how many things have changed in my life in the last year. I think of the sacrifices I’ve had to make, I think of the things I’ve gained, and I think of where each of these will take me as I bravely approach the tomorrows.

I’m thinking of the family of origin that I used to know so well, but who today are merely strangers. I think of how my life has gone on and how many people feel the void in my life, and I can’t help thinking, too, has life gone on for my family, too?

Here’s my confession: I spend a lot of time thinking. I think of a life I want to be living. I think of what is really standing in my way of living that life to the fullest. What is it? Nothing. Sure, there are things like money and time, but those are mere stepping stones. It’s all going to take care of itself. I think, and I pray about the future. I think, and I pray for guidance. I think, and I pray for a peace that passes my understanding. And, most importantly, I think of all the people who will help me get to the other side of my dreams. It’s you. It’s you, my dear friends…with your love, your support and dreaming right along side me. And, really, isn’t that all I really need? I think so.

GRATITUDE 01.08.10

I’ve made it to the end of another week. It’s been a week which in many ways, I’d just as soon forget. Yet, in the midst of the stress and frustration, I pause to find moments of gratitude.

I’m most grateful for my dear friends who in so many more ways than they even know, make my life worth living. I’m grateful for those who are so willing to be my sounding board, and support me without question or fail.

I’m grateful for the beauty of yesterday’s snow showers. Although there was no accumulation, there is something just beautiful about snowfall, especially here in Birmingham, Alabama, where winter weather of any kind is out of the norm. I’m grateful that I have a roof over my head, and a warm bed in which to sleep when there are so many that aren’t as blessed.

I’m grateful for the many hopes and dreams that are very much alive in my life. I have so many people encouraging me to follow my heart. I imagine there will have been many changes in my life a year from now. I’m grateful for the changes looming on the horizon.

Here’s my confession: There are many moments in our all our lives we’d rather forget than relive. However, if we are honest, it’s these difficult moments that define our character and make us able to deal with the things that come our way. We may not be happy in the job we have, but at least we have a job. We may not like the house where we live, but at least we have shelter. Developing an attitude of gratitude is far more productive than wallowing around in our own self-pity, self-defeat or loathing.

Each new day we are given is a present. I have so many wonderful blessings in my life. I hope I can find within me the gratitude for the blessings rather than curses for a life not lived to the fullest.

EPIPHANAL MOMENTS

“And when they saw the star, they rejoiced with great joy.”

Today is Epiphany. I’ve been reflecting on how the wise men must have felt when they arrived at the place where the baby Jesus lay. I’ve also though of how it feels in my own life when I reach an Epiphany. Life is full of little epiphanies. They are special moments in our lives. Just as we are told the wise men rejoiced with exceeding great joy, those moments when we just “get it” are a cause for rejoicing for us.

Not all epiphanies are earth-shattering, but all are important. They lead us and guide us in the choices we make in our daily lives. They are those simple “ah-ha” moments that get us out of the mundane and call us to action.

Here’s my confession: Epiphanies don’t usually come to us every day. I have to confess I wish there were more epiphanies in my life. I wish I had the answers to some of the most important questions in my life. I wish I knew the feeling of exceeding great joy the wise men knew when they found the place where Jesus lay.

WHEN YOU CAN’T CRY

Emotions run rampant, frustrations abound. Questions about the future remain unanswered. There’s a vision there, but it’s still a few steps away, just out of my grasp. There are moments that the scared little boy inside of me wants to lie down and cry, but I tears don’t flow. I blame a lot of that on my medication, and part of it in learning to just deal with life.

My life stays so busy…work…music…fitting in time with friends. Maybe that’s why the tears can’t find a time or outlet to flow. I stay on the go…there’s no downtime…

Here’s my confession. There’s a list of thing I’d like to accomplish a mile long. There is music I want to learn, there are friendships I want to make stronger, I want to be a better person. And, sometimes, I want to let down my guard, cry and get it all out of my system. When I can’t cry, I write, I play the piano. I find catharsis, and, I think, maybe that’s the important part.

SEASON'S GREETINGS TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY

While we're still in the midst of the Twelve Days of Christmas, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past, dwell on the present and take a look into the future.

It's been nearly two years since Parker and I decided to end our relationship. The final days of our financial entanglement are drawing neigh. We are in the process of exonerating ourselves of the house we purchased together. It's a bittersweet process, but cleansing and long overdue. Having moved myself into a much smaller dwelling, I've had to make some difficult decisions about the things that I really need to keep and what to purge. I'm finding that so many of the things I've kept for years really have no viable purpose other than taking up space, so it's time to rid myself of many of the things I've kept neatly stored for so many years. It's a beautiful metaphor, really, I'm not just de-cluttering my home, in a way, it goes much deeper, as I'm de-cluttering my life in the process.

My previous relationships have caused me to pause and look at what I really want from life. What is a relationship built on? What do I really want from a partner? What do I have to offer a partner? My last two relationships have truly given me the opportunity to stop and look what changes I need to make in my own life in order to be the best partner I can be to someone else. I do find myself surrounded by a few very close and wonderful friends who offer me more love and support than I feel worthy to receive. Over the last year and a half that I've been more involved with the gay community here, I've learned so much about relationships. I've often learned the hard way that words and actions are taken out of context, bridges are easily burned and a reputation is a difficult thing to protect. I've learned from my own relationships that you have to be careful and communicate, communicate, communicate. I've learned to look before you leap. I've learned there truly is no rush—that it is absolutely ok to take time. If it is to be, then it will be. If not, then cut your losses, move on and life your life. What I have learned is that storybook relationships really do only exist in storybooks. I've learned that there is no perfect relationship, because no two people are perfect. Yet, as I approach 2010, I am hopeful that I will find someone to date, and, maybe, I am hopeful for a little more. But, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in my hiatus from the dating scene. And, fortunately, I have some "brothers" who are here to hold my hand and guide me as I prepare to set sail again.

I am the type of person who likes to have a plan. I like organization. I keep thinking if I can just get a handle on the finances, if I can just do this or that, everything will fall into place. I know it will. It is just going to take two special ingredients: time and patience.

I wrote my parents a letter and sent them a card for Christmas. It's been two weeks since I sent it off. I haven't heard the first thing from them. It was a kind, informative "here's what's happening in my life" kind of letter. I suppose after nearly four years of no communication, this is what it's turned into. I have tried to reach out. I think we just live in two completely different worlds—worlds, I wonder if they'll ever collide again. Those who don't know the whole story think it's just tragic on my part for the time and distance that have gone by, but those who know the store are well aware and affirming that I've done as much as I could possibly do. It feels very much like a death without closure.

Here’s my confession: What 2010 will bring is anyone’s guess. My hope is that it will bring much needed peace in several areas of my life. I hope that I will find my true calling. I hope to continue to grow as a musician; my dream is to give at least a mini piano recital. I hope to continue to grow as a friend, to learn when to keep my mouth shut (I often lack that filter between my brain and mouth). Maybe, just maybe, among all the other things that I’ll find in this year of new beginnings, I’ll find my one true love?

NEW YEAR’S GRATITUDE 01.01.10

It’s almost difficult to believe that 2009 is now part of the history books. What a year of changes, blessings and experiences. Despite some experiences I’d rather not relive, I’ve been blessed to have some very amazing people and experiences that have changed my outlook on life, the direction my life is heading and my life in general.

It has been a while since I updated my blog. In keeping with my previous practice of writing a gratitude blog on Fridays, tonight affords me the opportunity to both update my blog (which is one of my new year’s resolutions) and express gratitude for things present and still to come (yet another resolution)

I’m grateful for the people who have come into my life this year. Gray, Trent & Kyle have changed my life. I’m grateful for the insight these dear friends bring to my life, along with the enjoyment and comfort our friendship embody.

I’m grateful for the many wonderful experiences of 2009. I had the opportunity to spend time with several close friends throughout the year. My travels included trips to North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and Florida.

I’m grateful for the musical blessings in my life. I continue to grow as an accompanist, have enjoyed my experience as President of the Men’s Chorus, and the friendships that have come from the group.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the past, but it’s not in the past that I reside. It is the present. I’m grateful for where I am today. I’m grateful for the people and experiences that have gotten me where I am today. I’m grateful for tomorrow. While tomorrow is not promised, I’m grateful for the potential of a new day, for the potential in me. I’m grateful for the new year that is dawning and for the opportunity to grow personally as well as in love and gratitude.