While we're still in the midst of the Twelve Days of Christmas, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past, dwell on the present and take a look into the future.
It's been nearly two years since Parker and I decided to end our relationship. The final days of our financial entanglement are drawing neigh. We are in the process of exonerating ourselves of the house we purchased together. It's a bittersweet process, but cleansing and long overdue. Having moved myself into a much smaller dwelling, I've had to make some difficult decisions about the things that I really need to keep and what to purge. I'm finding that so many of the things I've kept for years really have no viable purpose other than taking up space, so it's time to rid myself of many of the things I've kept neatly stored for so many years. It's a beautiful metaphor, really, I'm not just de-cluttering my home, in a way, it goes much deeper, as I'm de-cluttering my life in the process.
My previous relationships have caused me to pause and look at what I really want from life. What is a relationship built on? What do I really want from a partner? What do I have to offer a partner? My last two relationships have truly given me the opportunity to stop and look what changes I need to make in my own life in order to be the best partner I can be to someone else. I do find myself surrounded by a few very close and wonderful friends who offer me more love and support than I feel worthy to receive. Over the last year and a half that I've been more involved with the gay community here, I've learned so much about relationships. I've often learned the hard way that words and actions are taken out of context, bridges are easily burned and a reputation is a difficult thing to protect. I've learned from my own relationships that you have to be careful and communicate, communicate, communicate. I've learned to look before you leap. I've learned there truly is no rush—that it is absolutely ok to take time. If it is to be, then it will be. If not, then cut your losses, move on and life your life. What I have learned is that storybook relationships really do only exist in storybooks. I've learned that there is no perfect relationship, because no two people are perfect. Yet, as I approach 2010, I am hopeful that I will find someone to date, and, maybe, I am hopeful for a little more. But, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in my hiatus from the dating scene. And, fortunately, I have some "brothers" who are here to hold my hand and guide me as I prepare to set sail again.
I am the type of person who likes to have a plan. I like organization. I keep thinking if I can just get a handle on the finances, if I can just do this or that, everything will fall into place. I know it will. It is just going to take two special ingredients: time and patience.
I wrote my parents a letter and sent them a card for Christmas. It's been two weeks since I sent it off. I haven't heard the first thing from them. It was a kind, informative "here's what's happening in my life" kind of letter. I suppose after nearly four years of no communication, this is what it's turned into. I have tried to reach out. I think we just live in two completely different worlds—worlds, I wonder if they'll ever collide again. Those who don't know the whole story think it's just tragic on my part for the time and distance that have gone by, but those who know the store are well aware and affirming that I've done as much as I could possibly do. It feels very much like a death without closure.
Here’s my confession: What 2010 will bring is anyone’s guess. My hope is that it will bring much needed peace in several areas of my life. I hope that I will find my true calling. I hope to continue to grow as a musician; my dream is to give at least a mini piano recital. I hope to continue to grow as a friend, to learn when to keep my mouth shut (I often lack that filter between my brain and mouth). Maybe, just maybe, among all the other things that I’ll find in this year of new beginnings, I’ll find my one true love?
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