STUCK ON YOU
I saw a picture of you tonight. I think of you almost every day. It’s sad, but I can’t seem to let you go, even though you flew the coop. Seeing the picture of you reminded me how much I thought I loved you, how much my dreams were dashed when you vanished. You are the only man who has ever made my heart flutter and took my breath away just looking at your picture.
You have a charisma about you that is captivating. I’ve never had a more perfect first date; I’ve never felt such an amazing feeling. While our tenure together was short. I learned so very much, and am grateful for the time we were able to share. I think I'm stuck on you, but it's time to set you free in my heart and mind.
I hope one day you’ll find yourself. And when you do, I hope you will find someone to love you with a love that will not end. I hope one day you’ll find peace with yourself, love with in yourself. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love anyone else.
Here’s my confession: Maybe I wasn’t “Ready to Love Again” and maybe you were just “Falling”. Maybe the timing was all wrong, maybe I misjudged you, but how can I have regrets about something that at the time seemed so perfect. The truth is that even now, I’m stuck on you. The truth is that I loved you then. But the real truth is that I loved what I thought to be you. I wish you perfect peace. I hope you find love. I hope you find your faith in God again. Thank you, dear one, for the moments we shared. Thank you for the kisses and than you for the many lessons I’d have never had the opportunity to learn otherwise.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS
LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS
As I listen to the beautiful piano music of Jim Brickman playing on my iPod tonight, I find myself lost once again in contemplation. Tonight, I think of the words I desperately long to say, but cannot, at this time, vocalize them. The words live inside me, as though they are waiting for right moment to be born.
I long to say the words “you are forgiven” to my family. I long to let go of my resentments, my pride and my pain and move on. The ugly truth is that in my heart of hearts, I don’t want them involved in my life, but there is a guilt that likes to eat away at me. Years have gone by, scars and pain have only grown deeper, and yet the words that could bring healing bring much fear and anxiety. When will the time be right? Why did we stop speaking? What is the cause of such angst? Who remembers? There is a myriad of reasons. Some are plausible, some childish. Time heals all wounds. When will that time arrive?
I long to once again say the words “I Love You”. I want to find that man who takes my breath away (I know that stuff only exists in fairy tales, but I’ve actually experienced it before in real life. Just a picture of Wynn could take my breath away. And just as quickly as that came into my life, it was gone.) I know there will be a day when I am ready to love again. I know there will come a day when I am ready to give myself away again. First, I continue to focus on learning to love myself. I can’t give love if I don’t love myself in every way possible first. He is out there. And I thank God for the gift he is preparing for me.
I long to let go of pride and ask forgiveness for those I have alienated from my life. Sounds like a simple activity, but it’s not. Forgiveness and love are two things that go hand in hand. With the arrival of each new today, I am reminded of the people, experiences, love, fear, frustration that enabled me to be where I am today. The mistakes of yesterday cause pain and agony today.
Here’s my confession: What’s the number one obstacle to giving birth to these simple phrases? Pride, followed closely by procrastination. All I can do is pray for the strength to do what I need to do. All of this is part of my 90+ days of purpose, transformation and overall growth. Wisdom, Peace and a sense of Presence will be real in my life.
As I listen to the beautiful piano music of Jim Brickman playing on my iPod tonight, I find myself lost once again in contemplation. Tonight, I think of the words I desperately long to say, but cannot, at this time, vocalize them. The words live inside me, as though they are waiting for right moment to be born.
I long to say the words “you are forgiven” to my family. I long to let go of my resentments, my pride and my pain and move on. The ugly truth is that in my heart of hearts, I don’t want them involved in my life, but there is a guilt that likes to eat away at me. Years have gone by, scars and pain have only grown deeper, and yet the words that could bring healing bring much fear and anxiety. When will the time be right? Why did we stop speaking? What is the cause of such angst? Who remembers? There is a myriad of reasons. Some are plausible, some childish. Time heals all wounds. When will that time arrive?
I long to once again say the words “I Love You”. I want to find that man who takes my breath away (I know that stuff only exists in fairy tales, but I’ve actually experienced it before in real life. Just a picture of Wynn could take my breath away. And just as quickly as that came into my life, it was gone.) I know there will be a day when I am ready to love again. I know there will come a day when I am ready to give myself away again. First, I continue to focus on learning to love myself. I can’t give love if I don’t love myself in every way possible first. He is out there. And I thank God for the gift he is preparing for me.
I long to let go of pride and ask forgiveness for those I have alienated from my life. Sounds like a simple activity, but it’s not. Forgiveness and love are two things that go hand in hand. With the arrival of each new today, I am reminded of the people, experiences, love, fear, frustration that enabled me to be where I am today. The mistakes of yesterday cause pain and agony today.
Here’s my confession: What’s the number one obstacle to giving birth to these simple phrases? Pride, followed closely by procrastination. All I can do is pray for the strength to do what I need to do. All of this is part of my 90+ days of purpose, transformation and overall growth. Wisdom, Peace and a sense of Presence will be real in my life.
Monday, September 27, 2010
COMPANIONS ON THE JOURNEY
OMPANIONS ON THE JOURNEY
It seems that the last few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time sending direct tweets to my friend Ruth who, in many ways, is going through a journey just like me. We’re both at very similar places in our lives, and we very much have a friendship like Richard from Texas and Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love”. It’s very refreshing to have a friend you can vent to, a friend who will be honest with you and a friend with whom you can share so much despite the distance of time and space. Luckily our world is smaller with the advancement of technology.
Last week I wrote about a reinvention of myself over the remaining days of this year. It’s so difficult to stay focused. It seems something is always competing for attention. But, sometimes you reach a point where you just have to put on the breaks and say “THIS IS MY TIME” and focus on yourself. While having friends to be there to listen and give advice, there are so many things in the growth, reinvention and process of discovering, creating ourselves that must be done by ourselves on the path less traveled.
Here’s my confession I’m blessed with many companions on my journey. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. It’s nice to know that so many of the people in my life are dealing with the very same issues. It doesn’t matter if we are gay, straight, black, white, male, female, Catholic or Protestant. The journey to ourselves is difficult, but rewarding in the end. One day frustration and malcontent will be replaced with joy and peace.
It seems that the last few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time sending direct tweets to my friend Ruth who, in many ways, is going through a journey just like me. We’re both at very similar places in our lives, and we very much have a friendship like Richard from Texas and Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love”. It’s very refreshing to have a friend you can vent to, a friend who will be honest with you and a friend with whom you can share so much despite the distance of time and space. Luckily our world is smaller with the advancement of technology.
Last week I wrote about a reinvention of myself over the remaining days of this year. It’s so difficult to stay focused. It seems something is always competing for attention. But, sometimes you reach a point where you just have to put on the breaks and say “THIS IS MY TIME” and focus on yourself. While having friends to be there to listen and give advice, there are so many things in the growth, reinvention and process of discovering, creating ourselves that must be done by ourselves on the path less traveled.
Here’s my confession I’m blessed with many companions on my journey. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. It’s nice to know that so many of the people in my life are dealing with the very same issues. It doesn’t matter if we are gay, straight, black, white, male, female, Catholic or Protestant. The journey to ourselves is difficult, but rewarding in the end. One day frustration and malcontent will be replaced with joy and peace.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
99 DAYS
99 DAYS
There are 99 days left in the year 2010. It’s been a rocky and emotional year for me, but given the opportunity, I’m not sure that I would change anything. Each and every disappointment, every simple triumph, every situation has somehow made me better, given me insight into some element of me. With 99 days remaining in the year, I’ve decided to personally challenge myself to grow even more, to discern just a little more, to push myself a little farther.
I didn’t really observe Lent this year. Perhaps the next 99 days of my life will be a personal Lent. It will be a time of quiet reflections, a time of seeking direction, a time of betterment. I’ll use my blog as a sort of accountability tool.
The areas in my life on which I most want to focus my attention are: Personal Fitness, Personal Achievements, Professional Growth and Direction and Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter from my life. These areas are at least a good “Jumping Off” point for me. I may add other areas as I travel the road ahead.
Personal Fitness: Having a gym membership does absolutely no good if it is not being utilized. I will make myself work out at least three days per week. It’s been a while since I’ve been really dedicated to my fitness regiment. The time has come to pour myself into that. It’s time to give up pride, ask questions, seek help and it’s a major leap into creating not only a more physically fit me, the by-product of it, it is that it will create a better mental attitude. BRING IT.
Professional Growth: Let’s face the fact. I’m 37 years old. I’m not getting any younger, but at the same time, I still have time to create an entirely different career if I want. I have time to further myself in my current temporary position. The key element here is focus. When I was little, I had two dreams. One was to play piano or organ for church. The other was to be a teacher. I live my dream of being a church musician each and every week. I must focus on the direction I will follow.
Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter: Writing is my catharsis. I’m going to be blogging a lot more. I’m going to write more letters. I’m going to email or actually put a stamp on the letters I write and send them. It’s time for the things that have been eating away at my mental state out. I will express love, I will express emotion, I will express fear, frustration. I will let go of resentments. I will go forth in peace. I will surround myself with positivity.
Here’s my confession: 99 days is just a starting point. 99 days is about creating, developing and living new habits. 99 days is about being better in key areas of my life as the time comes to begin a new year. 99 days will focus on how I live my life, how I love, how I express gratitude, and how where I am today is where my thoughts have brought me. Where I will be tomorrow will be where my thoughts take me. Self-improvement is a worthy investment. So, I’m starting from this moment to create a better me.
There are 99 days left in the year 2010. It’s been a rocky and emotional year for me, but given the opportunity, I’m not sure that I would change anything. Each and every disappointment, every simple triumph, every situation has somehow made me better, given me insight into some element of me. With 99 days remaining in the year, I’ve decided to personally challenge myself to grow even more, to discern just a little more, to push myself a little farther.
I didn’t really observe Lent this year. Perhaps the next 99 days of my life will be a personal Lent. It will be a time of quiet reflections, a time of seeking direction, a time of betterment. I’ll use my blog as a sort of accountability tool.
The areas in my life on which I most want to focus my attention are: Personal Fitness, Personal Achievements, Professional Growth and Direction and Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter from my life. These areas are at least a good “Jumping Off” point for me. I may add other areas as I travel the road ahead.
Personal Fitness: Having a gym membership does absolutely no good if it is not being utilized. I will make myself work out at least three days per week. It’s been a while since I’ve been really dedicated to my fitness regiment. The time has come to pour myself into that. It’s time to give up pride, ask questions, seek help and it’s a major leap into creating not only a more physically fit me, the by-product of it, it is that it will create a better mental attitude. BRING IT.
Professional Growth: Let’s face the fact. I’m 37 years old. I’m not getting any younger, but at the same time, I still have time to create an entirely different career if I want. I have time to further myself in my current temporary position. The key element here is focus. When I was little, I had two dreams. One was to play piano or organ for church. The other was to be a teacher. I live my dream of being a church musician each and every week. I must focus on the direction I will follow.
Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter: Writing is my catharsis. I’m going to be blogging a lot more. I’m going to write more letters. I’m going to email or actually put a stamp on the letters I write and send them. It’s time for the things that have been eating away at my mental state out. I will express love, I will express emotion, I will express fear, frustration. I will let go of resentments. I will go forth in peace. I will surround myself with positivity.
Here’s my confession: 99 days is just a starting point. 99 days is about creating, developing and living new habits. 99 days is about being better in key areas of my life as the time comes to begin a new year. 99 days will focus on how I live my life, how I love, how I express gratitude, and how where I am today is where my thoughts have brought me. Where I will be tomorrow will be where my thoughts take me. Self-improvement is a worthy investment. So, I’m starting from this moment to create a better me.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
BEING ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM
BEING ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM
People find it strange when I confess to them that only two years ago when I decided to join the Men’s Chorus, I was so paralyzed with fear that I almost didn’t go in for the first rehearsal. They think of me as a consummate extrovert—the life of the party. They are shocked to find out that I’m truly introverted and grew up without many friends.
I suppose when I was growing up, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I guess I was so naïve that I didn’t realize that other kids were having spend-the-night parties, birthday parties and the like of which I was never a part. I was always a loner, which I guess comes from being an only child. On top of that, I was the oldest grandchild on one side of the family and the baby on the other side.
The truth is that I am a very shy person in social situations until I warm up and get to know the people I’m around. The truth is that I would never go to a party or bar or social situation without knowing there would be someone there for me. I suppose rather than being the consummate extrovert, I’m the consummate wallflower.
Since that moment I walked in to my first choir rehearsal, I’ve grown so very much. I have a network of amazing people in my life. While I know that I have people in my life who generally care about me—love me—would drop everything for me, it’s painful at times to admit that there are still when I still feel like I’m all alone in a crowded room. There are times when I’m really “on”, making people laugh, cracking jokes, making astute (and maybe even absurd or crass) observations, but at these very moments, I’m often feeling very alone.
We mature into adulthood, but it seems the emotional scars of our youth remain with us. I find at times I’m still that ten year old boy on the playground who is always chosen last—and only because EVERYONE has to be chosen. I’m that guy at the gym who doesn’t really know what the hell he’s doing, but is afraid to say “hey, help me…I’m clueless.” Even though in my heart of hearts, I know I’m not alone with that thought, I don’t want to admit that I’m clueless.
It’s often much easier for me to connect with a person online and then meet them in person. Once the ice is broken online, it’s like going to meet an old friend. It’s strange, but very true.
Being alone in a crowded room means to me that even though many people and hub of activity may surround me, there’s still that feeling of unworthiness.
Here’s my confession: I know that I am worthy of love. I may not be the smartest guy in the room, I may have a list of insecurities that list half a mile long, but the truth of the matter is that I do have a few very wonderful close friends and that in reality, I’m never truly alone. And, as long as I have my small group of amazing people in my life, I’m going to be ok in any room.
People find it strange when I confess to them that only two years ago when I decided to join the Men’s Chorus, I was so paralyzed with fear that I almost didn’t go in for the first rehearsal. They think of me as a consummate extrovert—the life of the party. They are shocked to find out that I’m truly introverted and grew up without many friends.
I suppose when I was growing up, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I guess I was so naïve that I didn’t realize that other kids were having spend-the-night parties, birthday parties and the like of which I was never a part. I was always a loner, which I guess comes from being an only child. On top of that, I was the oldest grandchild on one side of the family and the baby on the other side.
The truth is that I am a very shy person in social situations until I warm up and get to know the people I’m around. The truth is that I would never go to a party or bar or social situation without knowing there would be someone there for me. I suppose rather than being the consummate extrovert, I’m the consummate wallflower.
Since that moment I walked in to my first choir rehearsal, I’ve grown so very much. I have a network of amazing people in my life. While I know that I have people in my life who generally care about me—love me—would drop everything for me, it’s painful at times to admit that there are still when I still feel like I’m all alone in a crowded room. There are times when I’m really “on”, making people laugh, cracking jokes, making astute (and maybe even absurd or crass) observations, but at these very moments, I’m often feeling very alone.
We mature into adulthood, but it seems the emotional scars of our youth remain with us. I find at times I’m still that ten year old boy on the playground who is always chosen last—and only because EVERYONE has to be chosen. I’m that guy at the gym who doesn’t really know what the hell he’s doing, but is afraid to say “hey, help me…I’m clueless.” Even though in my heart of hearts, I know I’m not alone with that thought, I don’t want to admit that I’m clueless.
It’s often much easier for me to connect with a person online and then meet them in person. Once the ice is broken online, it’s like going to meet an old friend. It’s strange, but very true.
Being alone in a crowded room means to me that even though many people and hub of activity may surround me, there’s still that feeling of unworthiness.
Here’s my confession: I know that I am worthy of love. I may not be the smartest guy in the room, I may have a list of insecurities that list half a mile long, but the truth of the matter is that I do have a few very wonderful close friends and that in reality, I’m never truly alone. And, as long as I have my small group of amazing people in my life, I’m going to be ok in any room.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
RESTLESS IS THE HEART
RESTLESS IS THE HEART
There is really only one word that sufficiently defines how I feel at this moment in life. Restless. I’ve been through a lot over the last year. I’ve moved out of my house. I’ve lost my job. I’ve started and ended a relationship. I’ve seen both the beauty and ugliness that are friendship. I’ve had friends hold my hand, and I’ve had friends let go. I’ve started school, stopped school and contemplated many new directions. Yet, through it all, I’m restless. My heart longs for something more. My heart longs for direction, for peace, for some sense of where I’m heading.
Since I now live in a much smaller place, I have had to eliminate a lot of the things I didn’t need, just to be able to live without clutter. Metaphorically, I’ve attempted to eliminate the clutter from my life. If something doesn’t have a distinct purpose in my life, then I work to eliminate it from my life. I suppose I’m traveling along a road that has provided me lessons. If you know me well, you know that I am (or try to be) an organized person. Nothing drives me crazier than not having everything organized—a place for everything, and everything in its place. If only it were easy to put all the varied components of life into their proper place. If only the answers weren’t elusive.
It’s important to me to live in the present, but it is also important to me to have an eye on the future. I long to be free from financial concerns. I long to live a life full of joy. It’s not just an emotional journey…it’s a spiritual journey, it’s a my purpose, and to a greater extent, wholeness. I wrote last night about regrets. Well, there are a plethora of regrets I have…things from my childhood and academic experiences I would change in a heartbeat, but the truth of the matter is that none of that matters. What matters is where I am today. What matters today is the focus on the journey, my presence on the journey, my cooperation with the journey. I can’t afford to be a passive participant in my life any more. I have to be active.
Here’s my confession: I have dreams and visions, and along with that I also have fear and frustration. Restless is my heart because I don’t even know where to begin to create the future I want for myself. Getting to a point of financial freedom will help, but that won’t be the answer. Figuring out what I want to do professionally won’t be the answer, either. Finding a man to love and share my life with isn’t going to be my panacea, either. But, bit by bit each of these elements, along with the love, support and input from the people who truly matter to me , that’s where the answers will come. This season of my life shall pass, and I believe that on the other side, restless moments will subside into peace, joy and a promise of a tomorrow bigger and better than my wildest imagination.
There is really only one word that sufficiently defines how I feel at this moment in life. Restless. I’ve been through a lot over the last year. I’ve moved out of my house. I’ve lost my job. I’ve started and ended a relationship. I’ve seen both the beauty and ugliness that are friendship. I’ve had friends hold my hand, and I’ve had friends let go. I’ve started school, stopped school and contemplated many new directions. Yet, through it all, I’m restless. My heart longs for something more. My heart longs for direction, for peace, for some sense of where I’m heading.
Since I now live in a much smaller place, I have had to eliminate a lot of the things I didn’t need, just to be able to live without clutter. Metaphorically, I’ve attempted to eliminate the clutter from my life. If something doesn’t have a distinct purpose in my life, then I work to eliminate it from my life. I suppose I’m traveling along a road that has provided me lessons. If you know me well, you know that I am (or try to be) an organized person. Nothing drives me crazier than not having everything organized—a place for everything, and everything in its place. If only it were easy to put all the varied components of life into their proper place. If only the answers weren’t elusive.
It’s important to me to live in the present, but it is also important to me to have an eye on the future. I long to be free from financial concerns. I long to live a life full of joy. It’s not just an emotional journey…it’s a spiritual journey, it’s a my purpose, and to a greater extent, wholeness. I wrote last night about regrets. Well, there are a plethora of regrets I have…things from my childhood and academic experiences I would change in a heartbeat, but the truth of the matter is that none of that matters. What matters is where I am today. What matters today is the focus on the journey, my presence on the journey, my cooperation with the journey. I can’t afford to be a passive participant in my life any more. I have to be active.
Here’s my confession: I have dreams and visions, and along with that I also have fear and frustration. Restless is my heart because I don’t even know where to begin to create the future I want for myself. Getting to a point of financial freedom will help, but that won’t be the answer. Figuring out what I want to do professionally won’t be the answer, either. Finding a man to love and share my life with isn’t going to be my panacea, either. But, bit by bit each of these elements, along with the love, support and input from the people who truly matter to me , that’s where the answers will come. This season of my life shall pass, and I believe that on the other side, restless moments will subside into peace, joy and a promise of a tomorrow bigger and better than my wildest imagination.
Monday, September 20, 2010
REGRETS...
REGRETS
Regrets. I suppose, if we are honest, we all have a few. However, it’s really difficult to have a lot of regret because most often the experiences we have, either good or bad, give us richer experiences and help mold us into the people we ultimately become.
I’ve been contemplating my regrets over the last few days. I’ve thought a lot about my relationship earlier this year with Wynn. I thought I was falling in love. I thought I was there. But, it was not to be. Yet, I grew from that experience, and I am fairly certain I’d do it all over again. I’ve though of my relationship with Parker. We spent nearly five years of our lives together. I think of the house we purchased, the memories we shared, and the contact we still have today. I regret the situation with the house. I will probably regret even more when all is said and done. I’ve moved out of the big house, it’s been nearly a year. I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever rebound and be able to buy a home again. I hope I will. I wonder if my true love is still out there somewhere or if, that, too, has eluded me. I wonder if career set-backs will define me, if I’ll ever discover my destiny…if I’ll ever obtain an advanced degree. I wonder, if I’ll ever arrive at me.
Here’s my confession: I try to focus on the positive elements of my life. I try so very hard to focus not on the events of the past, but in this present moment, for that is where life is to be lived. It’s not lived in yesterdays past or tomorrows, which haven’t yet arrived. The NOW, the here and now, are all we have. I have dreams, I have visions, and I’m creating new ones each and every day. I read a quote this evening by Kelsey Grammer. "Apologizes are pointless, regrets come too late. What matters is you can move, on you can grow.” How very true. And I recall the old standard song, “My Way”.. "Regrets, I’ve had a few. but then again, too few to mention.
Regrets. I suppose, if we are honest, we all have a few. However, it’s really difficult to have a lot of regret because most often the experiences we have, either good or bad, give us richer experiences and help mold us into the people we ultimately become.
I’ve been contemplating my regrets over the last few days. I’ve thought a lot about my relationship earlier this year with Wynn. I thought I was falling in love. I thought I was there. But, it was not to be. Yet, I grew from that experience, and I am fairly certain I’d do it all over again. I’ve though of my relationship with Parker. We spent nearly five years of our lives together. I think of the house we purchased, the memories we shared, and the contact we still have today. I regret the situation with the house. I will probably regret even more when all is said and done. I’ve moved out of the big house, it’s been nearly a year. I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever rebound and be able to buy a home again. I hope I will. I wonder if my true love is still out there somewhere or if, that, too, has eluded me. I wonder if career set-backs will define me, if I’ll ever discover my destiny…if I’ll ever obtain an advanced degree. I wonder, if I’ll ever arrive at me.
Here’s my confession: I try to focus on the positive elements of my life. I try so very hard to focus not on the events of the past, but in this present moment, for that is where life is to be lived. It’s not lived in yesterdays past or tomorrows, which haven’t yet arrived. The NOW, the here and now, are all we have. I have dreams, I have visions, and I’m creating new ones each and every day. I read a quote this evening by Kelsey Grammer. "Apologizes are pointless, regrets come too late. What matters is you can move, on you can grow.” How very true. And I recall the old standard song, “My Way”.. "Regrets, I’ve had a few. but then again, too few to mention.
Friday, September 17, 2010
AT A CROSSROADS
STANDING AT A CROSSROADS
It’s been an amazing year of ups and downs. I have arrived at this crossroads not by chance. Now, it is time to focus on where the road leads. There’s a great deal of fear and trepidation. There’s a sense of wonder and excitement, but above all of it, there is the overall sense that things must change in my life, someway, somehow, I have to not find myself, but create myself.
Here I am, nine and a half months into a year that in so very many ways seems like a blur. Every new beginning, it has been said, comes from some other beginning’s end. I suppose this is true. A chapter of my life closed in February when I left The Publishing Company. The paths I thought I would be taking turned out to be very different paths than my original expectations. I contemplated the field of mortuary science, I contemplated the filed of accountancy. Neither of these upon further examination really grasped me. Now I have a very good temporary position and I’m starting, after a month and a half to grasp it all a little more every single day. Still, it’s strange and I wake up every single day asking, “what the heck is my purpose in life? Is what I am going to do today going to really going to take me where I need to be?” I have to have faith and trust that somehow, some way, all things are working in accordance to plan. Do I have fears? Yes. Do I have faith and trust? Yes. Do I have a support system in place? Yes.
I am thirty-seven years old. I have a college degree. If you had asked me eighteen years ago what I ‘d be doing today, I’d have answered that I’d be teaching French and Music in a high school. That never happened. Still, the dream the desire to teach and help a person learn something that is going to help them is very real in my life. Yet, I ponder the path. I have friends who are teachers. They impress me so very much. I wonder what their lives must be like.
I suppose the important things to do as I stand at this important cross road in my life is to ask what I do and what I do well. To stop, to take stock of my life. The thing I enjoy more than anything is playing the piano. Am I a virtuoso? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Accompanying is something that I love to do more than anything. I live my dream each week when I sit at the piano or organ and accompany the congregation. It’s absolutely like living a dream. How I wish I had the time to devote to learning so much more about my favorite hobby.
I stand at a crossroads with my faith. I walk into the Catholic church each week and accompany the mass there, but if I’m being completely honest here, I’m not being ministered to there. In the last few years, my view and love of God have changed. There is validity in all our world religions. We need to just stop bitching among various groups and just focus on love. GOD IS LOVE. That’s the important thing. I’m somewhere between a Catholic, an Episcopalian and a Buddhist. I see the wisdom in all these faith traditions. I am a little bit lost in what I truly believe, but I know that God is Love, and that is what I hang my hat on.
Relationships. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that one day, when the time is right, that there will be a relationship for me again. It scares me. It excites me, and I hope one day it will come to fruition and will come one step further to completing me. There’s a lot of work I need to do on myself before I feel that I can be ready to accept the love being prepared for me. It may happen tomorrow, next month or somewhere completely out of the blue. But, when the time comes, I hope I will have the wisdom, strength and courage to take love by the hand and welcome it into my life.
Friendships, I believe, are the backbone of our human nature. I have a very wonderful group of people in my life for which the word “friend” is not used a. There are some altogether amazing people in my life. There’s not a single day which goes by in which I don’t in some way give gratitude to a higher power for these people with whom I am blessed to share life…the happy moments, the tense moments and the moments I in which. I pray that I never take this love for granted.
Here’s my confession: I’m standing in the midst of a crossroads. I love the people in my life. I need to work on reconciliation with some people in my life. Others , I must confess ,may simply need to be set free. All in all, I stand at this crossroads and dream, hope, pray and believe.
It’s been an amazing year of ups and downs. I have arrived at this crossroads not by chance. Now, it is time to focus on where the road leads. There’s a great deal of fear and trepidation. There’s a sense of wonder and excitement, but above all of it, there is the overall sense that things must change in my life, someway, somehow, I have to not find myself, but create myself.
Here I am, nine and a half months into a year that in so very many ways seems like a blur. Every new beginning, it has been said, comes from some other beginning’s end. I suppose this is true. A chapter of my life closed in February when I left The Publishing Company. The paths I thought I would be taking turned out to be very different paths than my original expectations. I contemplated the field of mortuary science, I contemplated the filed of accountancy. Neither of these upon further examination really grasped me. Now I have a very good temporary position and I’m starting, after a month and a half to grasp it all a little more every single day. Still, it’s strange and I wake up every single day asking, “what the heck is my purpose in life? Is what I am going to do today going to really going to take me where I need to be?” I have to have faith and trust that somehow, some way, all things are working in accordance to plan. Do I have fears? Yes. Do I have faith and trust? Yes. Do I have a support system in place? Yes.
I am thirty-seven years old. I have a college degree. If you had asked me eighteen years ago what I ‘d be doing today, I’d have answered that I’d be teaching French and Music in a high school. That never happened. Still, the dream the desire to teach and help a person learn something that is going to help them is very real in my life. Yet, I ponder the path. I have friends who are teachers. They impress me so very much. I wonder what their lives must be like.
I suppose the important things to do as I stand at this important cross road in my life is to ask what I do and what I do well. To stop, to take stock of my life. The thing I enjoy more than anything is playing the piano. Am I a virtuoso? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Accompanying is something that I love to do more than anything. I live my dream each week when I sit at the piano or organ and accompany the congregation. It’s absolutely like living a dream. How I wish I had the time to devote to learning so much more about my favorite hobby.
I stand at a crossroads with my faith. I walk into the Catholic church each week and accompany the mass there, but if I’m being completely honest here, I’m not being ministered to there. In the last few years, my view and love of God have changed. There is validity in all our world religions. We need to just stop bitching among various groups and just focus on love. GOD IS LOVE. That’s the important thing. I’m somewhere between a Catholic, an Episcopalian and a Buddhist. I see the wisdom in all these faith traditions. I am a little bit lost in what I truly believe, but I know that God is Love, and that is what I hang my hat on.
Relationships. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that one day, when the time is right, that there will be a relationship for me again. It scares me. It excites me, and I hope one day it will come to fruition and will come one step further to completing me. There’s a lot of work I need to do on myself before I feel that I can be ready to accept the love being prepared for me. It may happen tomorrow, next month or somewhere completely out of the blue. But, when the time comes, I hope I will have the wisdom, strength and courage to take love by the hand and welcome it into my life.
Friendships, I believe, are the backbone of our human nature. I have a very wonderful group of people in my life for which the word “friend” is not used a. There are some altogether amazing people in my life. There’s not a single day which goes by in which I don’t in some way give gratitude to a higher power for these people with whom I am blessed to share life…the happy moments, the tense moments and the moments I in which. I pray that I never take this love for granted.
Here’s my confession: I’m standing in the midst of a crossroads. I love the people in my life. I need to work on reconciliation with some people in my life. Others , I must confess ,may simply need to be set free. All in all, I stand at this crossroads and dream, hope, pray and believe.
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