BEING ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM

BEING ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM

People find it strange when I confess to them that only two years ago when I decided to join the Men’s Chorus, I was so paralyzed with fear that I almost didn’t go in for the first rehearsal. They think of me as a consummate extrovert—the life of the party. They are shocked to find out that I’m truly introverted and grew up without many friends.

I suppose when I was growing up, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I guess I was so naïve that I didn’t realize that other kids were having spend-the-night parties, birthday parties and the like of which I was never a part. I was always a loner, which I guess comes from being an only child. On top of that, I was the oldest grandchild on one side of the family and the baby on the other side.

The truth is that I am a very shy person in social situations until I warm up and get to know the people I’m around. The truth is that I would never go to a party or bar or social situation without knowing there would be someone there for me. I suppose rather than being the consummate extrovert, I’m the consummate wallflower.

Since that moment I walked in to my first choir rehearsal, I’ve grown so very much. I have a network of amazing people in my life. While I know that I have people in my life who generally care about me—love me—would drop everything for me, it’s painful at times to admit that there are still when I still feel like I’m all alone in a crowded room. There are times when I’m really “on”, making people laugh, cracking jokes, making astute (and maybe even absurd or crass) observations, but at these very moments, I’m often feeling very alone.

We mature into adulthood, but it seems the emotional scars of our youth remain with us. I find at times I’m still that ten year old boy on the playground who is always chosen last—and only because EVERYONE has to be chosen. I’m that guy at the gym who doesn’t really know what the hell he’s doing, but is afraid to say “hey, help me…I’m clueless.” Even though in my heart of hearts, I know I’m not alone with that thought, I don’t want to admit that I’m clueless.

It’s often much easier for me to connect with a person online and then meet them in person. Once the ice is broken online, it’s like going to meet an old friend. It’s strange, but very true.

Being alone in a crowded room means to me that even though many people and hub of activity may surround me, there’s still that feeling of unworthiness.

Here’s my confession: I know that I am worthy of love. I may not be the smartest guy in the room, I may have a list of insecurities that list half a mile long, but the truth of the matter is that I do have a few very wonderful close friends and that in reality, I’m never truly alone. And, as long as I have my small group of amazing people in my life, I’m going to be ok in any room.