LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS

LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS

As I listen to the beautiful piano music of Jim Brickman playing on my iPod tonight, I find myself lost once again in contemplation. Tonight, I think of the words I desperately long to say, but cannot, at this time, vocalize them. The words live inside me, as though they are waiting for right moment to be born.

I long to say the words “you are forgiven” to my family. I long to let go of my resentments, my pride and my pain and move on. The ugly truth is that in my heart of hearts, I don’t want them involved in my life, but there is a guilt that likes to eat away at me. Years have gone by, scars and pain have only grown deeper, and yet the words that could bring healing bring much fear and anxiety. When will the time be right? Why did we stop speaking? What is the cause of such angst? Who remembers? There is a myriad of reasons. Some are plausible, some childish. Time heals all wounds. When will that time arrive?

I long to once again say the words “I Love You”. I want to find that man who takes my breath away (I know that stuff only exists in fairy tales, but I’ve actually experienced it before in real life. Just a picture of Wynn could take my breath away. And just as quickly as that came into my life, it was gone.) I know there will be a day when I am ready to love again. I know there will come a day when I am ready to give myself away again. First, I continue to focus on learning to love myself. I can’t give love if I don’t love myself in every way possible first. He is out there. And I thank God for the gift he is preparing for me.

I long to let go of pride and ask forgiveness for those I have alienated from my life. Sounds like a simple activity, but it’s not. Forgiveness and love are two things that go hand in hand. With the arrival of each new today, I am reminded of the people, experiences, love, fear, frustration that enabled me to be where I am today. The mistakes of yesterday cause pain and agony today.

Here’s my confession: What’s the number one obstacle to giving birth to these simple phrases? Pride, followed closely by procrastination. All I can do is pray for the strength to do what I need to do. All of this is part of my 90+ days of purpose, transformation and overall growth. Wisdom, Peace and a sense of Presence will be real in my life.