RESTLESS IS THE HEART

RESTLESS IS THE HEART

There is really only one word that sufficiently defines how I feel at this moment in life. Restless. I’ve been through a lot over the last year. I’ve moved out of my house. I’ve lost my job. I’ve started and ended a relationship. I’ve seen both the beauty and ugliness that are friendship. I’ve had friends hold my hand, and I’ve had friends let go. I’ve started school, stopped school and contemplated many new directions. Yet, through it all, I’m restless. My heart longs for something more. My heart longs for direction, for peace, for some sense of where I’m heading.

Since I now live in a much smaller place, I have had to eliminate a lot of the things I didn’t need, just to be able to live without clutter. Metaphorically, I’ve attempted to eliminate the clutter from my life. If something doesn’t have a distinct purpose in my life, then I work to eliminate it from my life. I suppose I’m traveling along a road that has provided me lessons. If you know me well, you know that I am (or try to be) an organized person. Nothing drives me crazier than not having everything organized—a place for everything, and everything in its place. If only it were easy to put all the varied components of life into their proper place. If only the answers weren’t elusive.

It’s important to me to live in the present, but it is also important to me to have an eye on the future. I long to be free from financial concerns. I long to live a life full of joy. It’s not just an emotional journey…it’s a spiritual journey, it’s a my purpose, and to a greater extent, wholeness. I wrote last night about regrets. Well, there are a plethora of regrets I have…things from my childhood and academic experiences I would change in a heartbeat, but the truth of the matter is that none of that matters. What matters is where I am today. What matters today is the focus on the journey, my presence on the journey, my cooperation with the journey. I can’t afford to be a passive participant in my life any more. I have to be active.

Here’s my confession: I have dreams and visions, and along with that I also have fear and frustration. Restless is my heart because I don’t even know where to begin to create the future I want for myself. Getting to a point of financial freedom will help, but that won’t be the answer. Figuring out what I want to do professionally won’t be the answer, either. Finding a man to love and share my life with isn’t going to be my panacea, either. But, bit by bit each of these elements, along with the love, support and input from the people who truly matter to me , that’s where the answers will come. This season of my life shall pass, and I believe that on the other side, restless moments will subside into peace, joy and a promise of a tomorrow bigger and better than my wildest imagination.