A BIG BOWL OF SELF ESTEEM

My best friend, Truvy, gave me the greatest gift in the world for my birthday earlier this year-a big bowl of self-esteem. It is really just a cute tchotchke, but to me it is a symbol of accomplishment and work in progress. Those closest to me have noticed the changes happening in me and know how hard I have worked to become more confident, less anxious and more focused. Although my friends' comments about my growth do encourage me and move me forward, I have to realize that I cannot rely on their encouragement alone as a basis for my self-esteem. Self-Esteem can only come from one place-myself. Deep inside. For someone who has spent most of his life battling with low self-esteem, it has been an exciting adjustment to see myself becoming more confident, self-reliant and less needy. I've never felt good enough to do anything, and I don't know why. Perhaps it all stems from never feeling like I was good enough in elementary school. I was always backwards-academically, athletically, socially. For whatever reason, I wasn't engaged in those areas of my life from an early age. Maybe it is because of parents and grandparents who were perhaps a little too overprotective of me, who, in their attempt to shelter me from harm, actually did more harm in the process. Perhaps it was the cruel words from my schoolmates who found me an easy target that wounded my young spirit. There could be an endless list of "why" I have suffered from low self-esteem. In the end, none of that really matters. What matters is that I have arrived at a place in my life where I am ready to allow myself to move forward, far beyond the cruel words of the playground, away from the "you can't do that's" and the deeply ingrained fear of failure.

Here's my confession: I've come a long way in a short time, but the journey to move towards positive self-esteem is, I believe, a daily process. There are going to always be highs and lows, but the difference is how I deal with those situations. Leaning on others is fine, as long as I don't make them a crutch. Self-esteem has to come from within. It's an inner confidence that has to bubble up. It's simple daily affirmations. It's a pausing each day to reflect on my accomplishments, both tangible and intangible, and realizing that I should be proud of myself. It's not in comparing myself to others, but celebrating the strengths that are coming to fruition within me. And, it's the peace and pride I feel each time I look at my big bowl of self esteem. Hopefully, my big bowl of self-esteem will runneth over, that's where I look forward to being a year from now.