There is something about childhood and Christmas, at least for me there was. It was about family togetherness. Christmas Eve was when we would all gather for the celebration with my mom's side of the family. There was always a huge meal, extended family and friends would be there. It was, as I recall, about as perfect as a Christmas could possibly be. It was a time of togetherness and love, in spite of whatever dysfunctionality there may have been. It was a far more simple time. It was a happy time. It just seemed like Christmas is "supposed" to be. Christmas Day was generally always spent with my dad's side of the family. We'd eat another big meal, exchange gifts and usually having a hymn sing-a- long, commonly referred to as "pickin' and grinnin'".
That was then. This is now. The times have changed, the people have changed. Some of those who made the holidays so special are no longer living. Those of us who remain are all older now. Time has changed us, too. The family dynamics aren't what they once were. There have been marriages, divorces, deaths and the birth of a different generation. The family friends who would join us all have families of their own now. My young cousins are now adults with spouses of their own. I have come out as a gay man and moved away after college. My last fond Christmas memory was twenty years ago. Something truly changed after Christmas of 1987. Yet, I do not know what.
Here's my confession: Once a time of great expectation and anticipation, the holiday season is now just a time of dread and a source of fatigue. I, myself, haven't been home for Christmas in over five years. I haven't spoken to my mother in nearly two of those years. Celebrating Christmas seems merely an obligation now, rather than the images a Norman Rockwell painting might evoke. Putting up the Christmas Tree was once an activity which was looked forward to ,but is now just another chore on the already too long list of things to prepare for this "most joyous of seasons". It's hard to remember what truly giving a gift from the heart felt like. And those dreadful holiday songs! They are like love songs with a holiday theme. They evoke images of fantasies and fiction. When, honestly, was the last time you went gliding in a one-horse open sleigh? Exactly. Never, and neither have I. I've experienced the occasional White Christmas, if you want to call it that. Maybe I should try looking at Christmas through the innocence of a child's eyes, rather than my jaded and tired adult eyes. Maybe, just maybe, the wonder and merriment would return.
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4 comments:
Even after having children, and getting them to the point where Christmas is magical for them, I found/find that the holidays are a huge frustrating experience for adults. No matter what, we cannot possibly go back to that point of innocence: when magic really was possible, when there really WAS a Santa Claus...Yet, year after year we try to re-create those moments we still remember, whether it be with an overabundance of gifts to our children who need nothing more, or by decorating the hell out of our houses, so they can be more opulent than the neighbors, or by going to as many parties as possible. It ain't happenin', Sally. You cannot go back there. e Although, very once in a great while, I'll get a glimpse of a memory, with a feeling still attached-the butterflies in my stomach, when, on a school night, my dad took us Christmas shopping (that was BIG-on a school night...)to what was then a major shopping "center". I remember the long line of car lights on the highway; lined up-the red lights from the cars looking like Christmas tree lights themselves. It's an image in my brain. I can sometimes access it and feel like a child again...for a second...sometimes that's all I need.
What do you still find fun about Christmas? Do you like to go for a drive and look at the lights? Do you like baking cookies or pies? Find the one thing that you do still like about Christmas and do it - just for you. If you have to do it alone, do it. Whatever it is that brings you joy, make sure that is part of your holiday season this year. You have to take time to give yourself some Christmas magic.
Love ya!
Brother Michael, I hear ya man. I dig what you're saying. My last good Christmas was when I was four years old--but it was a mighty damn good one! And whenever the word "Christmas" is spoken it's what I think of (unless we're talkin' Christmas EVE...but that's different). What I would ask you to do is this: remember the best Christmas you ever had, and try to remember WHY it was the best. Then try to re-create that feeling every day. That way all your days will be the brighter. And that really is what the Author of Christmas would want.
peace and JOY!
Gav
This is so sad. I have never lost my love of Christmas. It is still as exciting as it was when I was a child. Sure things have changed as far as family dynamics and lost loved ones but there are still good times to be had. Not only is it a time to celebrate the wondrous birth of Christ but it's the most magical time of the year. I never stopped believing in Santa and I never will. I BELIEVE!
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