GRATITUDE-EVEN THROUGH DIFFICULTY

Most of you who are reading this know what a difficult week it has been for me. Yet, in spite of, or perhaps even because of the week I’ve had, I pause for a few moments to reflect again on those “things” for which I am indeed grateful.

I may have been able to make it through this week without the help of my friends, but I am grateful that I didn’t have to. I’m grateful to those who have lent me an ear or have responded to emails or just plain been there for me. You’ve made a difficult situation for me more bearable. My gratitude is such a small price to pay for your kindness, but I hope that in some way, it makes you know that I haven’t taken for granted your generosity.

I’m grateful for my counselor. Not only this week, but for the last seven months I’ve been seeing her. She’s helped me to grow so much as an individual and encouraged me to keep on keeping on. It’s not been an easy road, but the progress I’ve made has given me such a freedom to live my life and not feel fettered by my insecurities, anxieties and fears. She’s left an indelible mark on my life.

I’m grateful for Parker. While the full impact of our decision has only hit me this week, I am grateful that he’s been right here to comfort me, listen to me and reassure me. I know it wasn’t easy for him. It certainly wasn’t easy for me. While parts of our relationship have seemingly run their course, I am most grateful for our friendship which remains. It’s a friendship which is strong and, I believe, enduring. I gave Parker five years of my life as his companion. While all five years weren’t exactly perfect, I come away with five years of very special memories, experiences and friendship to celebrate and treasure. I believe, God willing, we’ll have many more years of friendship to celebrate. That means more to me than all the gold in the world.

Here’s my confession: I read today on a website a quote that is very appropriate for this week’s gratitude blog. The quote says: “We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” How very true. It would be easy to take for granted the things my friends have done, the work that my counselor has done, and the relationship which Parker and I have shared. Yet, I am fully aware of the sacrifices, the friendships and the work that have been made on my behalf, and, in turn, my heart is eternally grateful.

This has been a week of mourning and grieving for me. Yet, I am grateful for each tear that has been shed, as they serve as gentle, though difficult, reminders of the healing process through which I am going. Each new day is going to bring its own set of challenges for me to rise above. And, with a grateful heart, a renewed spirit and energized outlook, I’ll face them all. This is just a part of the process. “Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.” I believe that. I believe that because I know it is true. As I’ve mourned this week, my dear friends have comforted me. And, that is why I can honestly say that I have a heart full of gratitude as I write these thoughts tonight. And you see, the "things" for which I am most grateful, aren't really things at all. They are people and relationships who make this life a great experience.

HIATUS

This week has been incredibly difficult for me. To say that it has been incredibly emotional would be only scratching the surface. Realization is sinking in that my relationship, at least the partnership I experienced with Parker is over. Our friendship will continue well into the future, and hopefully, for our entire lifetime.

Here's my confession: I just wanted to send a short blog to those who read this to let you know that I will eventually be ok. I've taken a brief hiatus this week as I've sorted out these very personal life issues, but I will certainly return on Friday at least with my weekly gratitude, because there is much to share.

Thanks so much for your love an support. You know who you are and you know that your words have brought much comfort and facilitated the healing that is coming into being.

GRATITUDE

This has been a week of emotional discord for me. Three weeks after Parker and I decided to separate as a couple, the reality of the situation is starting to sink in. There are many different directions I could allow this emotional discord to take me, but I’m trying to remain positive.

In spite of the fact that we are no longer a couple, I am grateful that Parker and I are still friends, and that we are making great strides towards maintaining our friendship. So often when I’ve shared with friends or co-workers the news of our decision, they look at me as though I am an alien when I say that I still love him or that we have no animosity towards one another. It seems a foreign concept to them that we can be friendly towards one another. Maybe it is a bit unusual, but I’ve also heard success stories from other couples that after their relationships ended, they became best friends with the person with whom they had shared such an intimate part of their lives. Such is my hope for Parker and me. I am so grateful for the time we’ve shared, the memories we’ve made, the growth in one another we’ve enabled, and the mutual love we share for one another, though the love has changed, it is as real today as the day it began.

I’m grateful that I’m returning to my workout routine. It’s difficult to keep myself motivated, but I am grateful for the ability to be able to work out in the first place. I should remind myself daily that there are those who are not as fortunate as I.

I’m grateful, again, for the wonderful friendships I have. Life would be much less bearable without these wonderful people in my life. The love and support they provide me each and every day make me one of the most blessed men on earth.

In this season of Lent, I am grateful for chances at new beginnings, renewal of spirit, chances for grace. I am grateful for my faith, a faith I sometimes question, a faith that is ever-evolving, and most importantly, a faith in which I can rely.

Here’s my confession: In these uncertain days, it is not always easy to be grateful. In fact, it would be easier to just be ambivalent. But, it is essential that I remain grateful. I look around and I see so many people who do not have nearly as many blessings as I have. I am grateful for the dreams I have for my future, friendships which carry me through each new day and for the hope I carry in my heart. I am grateful for the music that lives in my soul. I’m grateful for the growth I’ve experienced in the last several months of my life. I mourn the loss of relationships, the fear of the unknown and the fears I hold most deeply in my soul. However, I am most grateful for the relationships that remain and the peace that comes from knowing that while I’m going through difficult times right now, that tomorrow is a new day and the things I go through today will help me be a stronger person tomorrow.

IN THESE DAYS OF LENTEN JOURNEY

I hope those who know me know me to be a deeply spiritual person. Connecting with my creator, my God, is one of the most important and necessary things for me to do. There are so many ways to connect with God. While it is a matter of such great importance to me, I must admit that I don’t always do a great job at it. Even as we are in the midst of the special spiritual season of Lent, I am finding it a challenge to give my all to God, to live up to the promises I made for Lent. The discipline of prayer is absolutely one of the most difficult things to put into practice. I spent some time last week praying the Rosary, but have somewhat fallen off this week. I also had promised to devote myself to my fitness routine. Two weeks into this year’s Lenten journey, I’ve not been so good with that one either. Today, I forced myself to go to the gym and really work out…not just go to the gym and do the bare minimum, just to say I had been. I really felt like I had done something good today. I hope I can keep it up. I’m determined to make it stick. I did it several years ago and really felt good about myself. I'm looking for that feeling again.

The beautiful thing about God is that he is a God of a second chance. If we don’t get things right the first time, he allows us to push the restart button and begin anew. So, I haven’t spent the time in prayer that I had hoped I would. I haven’t committed myself fully to my fitness routine. I think the important part is that I am trying to so something positive.

In these days of Lenten journey, I find myself reflecting on my spiritual life. I’m focusing not just on my Catholic faith, but the journey that brought me to Catholicism. Having grown up in the Bible Belt and having been surrounded by various Christian influences my entire life, either from family, church, college, friends or some other form, it’s a struggle to know what to believe; to know what is true. We must know how to separate the allegorical from the literal. It’s that very quandary that has turned so many of my friends away from God, thrown them off their journey toward God. It’s very sad. To me, connecting with the peaceful presence of God is such an enriching experience. It is an encounter with love in its most beautiful form. Still, some choose to deny it, discount it or ignore it completely. Perhaps there are things in my life that I am guilty of discounting that my friends can’t understand about me.

Here’s my confession: It may be a simple hymn, a smile from a passerby, the kind and reassuring words of a friend or attempts at reconciliation with friends and family members we may have very well written off, but all hold the power to connect us with the divine. There is a place in all of us where we go to find peace, to find that connection. We may have different names for it. It may not necessarily be “God” or “Spiritual”, but its result is most assuredly a deep connection with our souls. It’s deeply personal. I hope as I continue though this Lenten journey toward the Holy celebration Easter that I will be able to connect with my spirit more deeply, that I will press my “restart” button and continue my spiritual growth, that I may rise from my offering of ashes to become the person God wants me to become, to learn the lessons the times of quiet reflection Lent can provide. It is my hope, my prayer, that those around me will see the reflection of my creator in my daily life.

SWIRILING THOUGHTS

The thoughts have been swirling around in my head all week. So many thoughts, I don’t even know where to begin. This is the week that I’ve started realizing that things are really changing between Parker and me. It’s a feeling that I’m having trouble articulating. It’s not just the changes between Parker and me that have been weighing heavily on my mind this week. I’ve been unmotivated in most areas of my life.

I’ve felt very vulnerable this week and I’m having trouble totally tapping into my deepest emotions. There’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m uneasy. I’ve made so much progress in the last few months with myself, but now it is as though I’m standing here in the face of reality and do not know which way to turn. I feel alone, although I know that I am not. I am surrounded by people who care for me deeply.

Another area of my life with which I am struggling is my fitness routine. I know that I need to be working out. I know that it is the very best thing I can do for my body, my mind and my spirit. Yet, I find it so much easier to walk past the YMCA each day and go sit in a local food court, read and people watch. I’ve considered cancelling my membership to the Y. Today, I think I had a bit of an epiphany. I’m going to have to MAKE myself go back to the gym, whether or not I want to, whether or not I feel like it. Period.

There are other areas of my life what are in disarray. I must force myself to be a better employee. I must take an honest inventory of the relationships in my life. I’ve written it before, I feel that I’m on the cusp of change. Standing here on the edge, I’m looking for a direction. It’s a scary and frightening place to be.

Here’s my confession: I’m scared. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I can’t expect everything to come together all at once in my life. It’s going to take time. I know that the time it takes for growth is where the lessons will be learned. I’m so thankful for those friends who have been there for me to lean on as I go through this difficult valley. I just wish I could tap into my emotions. I wish I could cry. I love Parker and I always will, but I know that we’ve made the best decision for us. That certainly doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the changes, but as I always say…”that which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” I will survive, and I will be stronger after this journey. And, hopefully, soon, I’ll be able to sort out these emotions and find the motivation I need to carry on that I know is buried deep inside.

This has been a very difficult blog for me to write because it has taken every ounce of energy I have to sort out my myriad of emotions. It may take a few more hugs than normal to get me through, but I'm going to be ok. Eventually.

A REALIZATION

It’s been a strange weekend for me. Parker went out of town yesterday with a friend and was gone overnight. While I was looking forward to the time of peace, solitude and time alone, I found that I was actually a little sad, even a bit anxious. I wasn’t expecting such a reaction. I found myself trying to refrain from sending him text messages, because I knew for all intents and purposes he was on a date. So, I went about my afternoon and evening, doing a little housework after he left, then ran some errands to get me out of the house. After going to Target, Kohl’s, Best Buy, Lowes, Big Lots, Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart and grabbing some dinner at Moe’s, it was about two hours later than I had actually planned on getting home.

While I was out, I had a feeling of light headedness and just didn’t feel well. I got home, unloaded my few purchases and was ready to relax for the rest of the evening. Fate didn’t have the same plan for me. I had purchased some milk while at the store, which leaked in the bag and consequently all over the floor. The cats thought that was a nice treat for them. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it the same way. So, I clean up the mess, put the other grocery items away and hear the unmistakable sound of a cat barfing. No problem. I go to clean it up. Then I notice that the same cat has used his litter box, so I turn it on to clean it. Finally. Time to relax. Not so soon. I hear my beloved cat crying out downstairs, so I go down to see what his problem was. I find him scratching the rug by the door. Knowing what he was getting ready to do, I yelled “NO!!!!” My plea didn’t faze him in the least. He proceeded to glare at me as he let a flow of pee stream all over the rug. Losing my religion (not to mention my temper) for a few moments, I shouted a few expletives at him and proceeded to clean up after him. It was at that moment that I understood fully the feeling that I had been having earlier. My light headedness had come full circle and I was in the midst of a mild panic attack, something I haven’t experienced in a while.

Here’s my confession: I realized just how much of a difficult transition I’m going through. I had thought I was doing fine about the separation between Parker and me. I knew it was only a matter of time until it would begin to hit me, and I don’t think the full impact has happened yet. When he got back today, I gave him a hug and later we talked a little bit about our feelings, our fears and our future. I’m confident that when all the dust settles, our friendship will remain intact. We’re going through some major life changes, but we’re going to be ok. It’s just that the period of growth and change is a difficult one. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. Still, my hope and prayer for him is that he find the happiness and peace that his heart desires, a happiness that we were unable to find together.

I’m sure that this realization is only the first of many to come my way in the future. I am sure that I’ll be stronger for the journey, but it’s still a difficult part. I’m still at peace with my life and the way it’s going, and know that there are many more lessons for me to learn. Life is good, and I’m going to be ok. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

GRATITUDE

I lie here again tonight and reflect on the week behind me. In many ways it was just an ordinary week for me. But, even an ordinary week affords opportunities for gratitude. Making the conscious decision to look at the positive things in life rather than focusing on the negative aspects that can all too easily come our way.

As always, I am grateful for my friendships. Without the love and support of my friends, I would not have been able to make the progress I’ve made in the last seven months or so. I’m enjoying reconnecting with old friends as well. I’m reminded of the people who have somehow been a part of my life, whether they be good friends or casual acquaintances. Each person that comes into our lives has the ability to leave their imprint on our lives. Sometimes it may take us years removed from them to see how much we have in common with them. I’m grateful for the friends in my life, be they near or far and am grateful for the lessons I have to learn from them.

I am grateful for the courage I found yesterday to write a letter to my parents. I believe I wrote a heartfelt and, most importantly, honest letter, letting them know what is going on in my life. I found it terribly difficult to put myself out there to these people who raised me, but are, in so many ways have become strangers to me. I don’t know what I expect from my raw genuine honesty. The thing of which I am most proud is that I wrote the letter and didn’t second guess my decision to mail it.

I am grateful for the season of Lent. While it has been difficult to truly summon the discipline to do all the things I had planned for this holy season. This week I have being learning to pray the Rosary, something which, in my eight years of being a Catholic, I have not learned to do. I’m forcing myself to do it each night, even when I don’t feel like it. I know that by increasing my prayer life at any point is a vast improvement and moves me so much closer to the presence of God.

I’m grateful for the feeling of peace between Parker and me. It’s almost surreal. The peace I feel is indescribable. It’s a peace that comes from somewhere deep within and somewhere far beyond me.

Here’s my confession: I’m still a work in progress, but I have so very much for which to be grateful. In addition to the things I’ve already mentioned, I am so blessed. I truly live a life of abundance. I’m most unworthy of such blessings. When I look at the tremendous blessings in my life, there is no emotion more prevalent than that of gratitude. It’s a deep and personal gratitude. For the first time in my nearly 35 years of living, I am experiencing peace. It’s a wonderful feeling, and I hope it stays forever. My friends, my counselor and my God have shown me so much about myself. Truly, letting go and letting God is the best place to be and affords a peace beyond my wildest imagination.

ON GOING TO A CHRISTIAN COLLEGE

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I went to a "Christian" college, naively thinking I would be surrounded by Christians and that I would grow deeply in faith, sheltered from the worldly influences I would find at a "state" school. After all, there would be no drinking, no wild parties, only Bible Studies and church gatherings, right? Well, maybe not so much. Upon my arrival on campus, I found that two of the guys who lived in my quad were on the baseball team, and I'm sure that the Word of God was the farthest thing from their minds. Drinking and women, but not the formation of discipleship.

There was a group of my fellow students who got together each week for what we called "The Bell Ministry". There was a Bell in the center of campus, and we would gather around the bell once a week for Bible Study & Prayer. It was not an official college–sponsored group, but did draw a great many students to it, not only freshmen, but also upperclassmen as well. It was a niche for all of us to bond and fellowship, but in some ways could just have easily been viewed as just another clique. I was involved with the Bell ministry my freshman year, I'm not really sure what happened to it after that.

So, I went on through my college career, going in as a good, devout Southern Baptist. I attended church each Sunday. I attended chapel every Monday, as required by the college. I tried diligently to have my daily "quiet time", to pray, to find God. Yet, along the way, I came to accept the fact that I am gay. I wasn't in the most accepting environment for such a discovery. After all, the student handbook even stated that I could be asked to leave for being a homosexual. Fortunately, while it later became a rather well-known fact that I am gay on campus, the rule was never enforced. I would later learn that I was not the only one on campus struggling with such a self-realization.

Fast forward to four years after my arrival on campus. I've attended Baptist Student Union meetings, Campus Crusade for Christ Meetings, Fellowship of Christian Athletes meetings, various church meetings, conventions, convocations, campus revivals. I had been a member of a touring Contemporary Christian singing group representing the college's admissions office. You name it, in the name of God, I probably did it. I began to notice a shift in my faith. I began to question my beliefs. I was no longer buying into the faith my "Christian college" was trying to spoon feed me. I could no longer reconcile my particular faith with the faith of those seemingly well-meaning Southern Baptists with which I was being surrounded. A week after coming out to my mother, I would leave the Southern Baptist church for good. I chose a large United Methodist church in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. It was an hour's drive from campus, as well as from my parents' home in a small East Tennessee town, but it was, to me, worth the drive. My spirit was finally being filled. I had been doing so many things to understand who I was, and none of the campus Christian groups or private prayer times or listening to Contemporary Christian Music were able to fill. But now, I was home. I was having a deep and personal connection with God for perhaps the very first time in my life.

I came to discover that I was not the only person experiencing a crisis of faith. We had all come to receive a quality education in what we assumed to be a safe environment, a place that would stimulate our spiritual lives. Instead, for many of us, it was quite the different experience. My roommate and best friend, who was a Music major and religion minor, changed his vantage point entirely. He came in with the aspiration of being a missionary and witness to Mormons. He walked away with a very different ideal of God, and would no longer refer to himself as a Christian. He left with a bitter taste in his mouth for organized religion. He was not alone. Many of our classmates had changed their views to one extreme or another. It seems, from my experience, that the majority of people who go to a Christian college fall into one extreme or another after the experience. They either want nothing whatsoever to do with Christianity or they go completely to the other side of the spectrum and are "Jesus Freaks" who interpret every single passage of scripture as literal and every other word they speak has something to do with Jesus. I believe I've been fortunate in that I have fallen into some sort of middle ground. My five years at the Christian college did, indeed change my faith, and I am closer today to God than I ever was. I began my journey as a Southern Baptist, was a United Methodist in the middle of my journey and finally made the transition to the Roman Catholic church eight years ago.

Here's my confession: My college experience was very much like the movie "Saved". Everything was so much about Jesus that it was as though we were living in a bubble. Once the bubble was shattered, we were able to see through the cracks in theories and form our own faith. It was somewhat like our college experience was an exile from the world at large. I would not trade those experiences for anything in the world, because I think they have helped to form me in the spiritual person I am today. I have, however, wondered, how differently my experience might have been had I gone to a "state" school, or a school not affiliated with a religious group. How would my faith be different today?

My religious views today are very liberal. I feel as though my spiritual life is a tapestry of the traditions of which I've been a part. Having been a Southern Baptist gives me great insight into the scriptures, having been a United Methodist prepared me a love of the liturgy I have come to love and appreciate in Catholicism. As a Southern Baptist, I felt a great degree of self-loathing because of the truths I discovered about myself. However, as a Catholic, I have only heard messages of God's love. I hang on the belief that Christ came to liberate the oppressed, not oppress the liberated. That's what gets me through each day. To me, it's not about debating doctrinal matters or spiritual traditions. I know that God is Love. That is the greatest commandment and message. And nothing else really matters.

THE REINVENTION OF ME

I’ve been on this journey of reinvention for nearly seven months. I’ve made so much progress. I’m far more confident, less anxious and more focused. I have a quest for something greater, a desire to grow. Many of you have followed me throughout my journey. Your words of encouragement have made the rough days easier, and made the good days even better.

Striking a balance in my growth is the difficult part. As I grow, I am finding so many things I really want to do, so many places I want to go. I’m focusing on five “F’s” to move and motivate me forward.

Future. My future is, to some degree, a blank slate. I want to go to school again. My Bachelor of Arts in music is just not enough for me. I'm resolved to be focused on finding the path for my future. Focusing on what I want to study, where I want to study, is definitely a goal as I move forward. I love living in Alabama. As you know, Parker and I recently separated as a couple. I’m sure at some point, I’ll be ready to add someone else new to my life, but now, I have to focus on getting to know myself in the here and now so that I can be ready for the future.

Friendship. I'm blessed with great and supportive friendships. As I continue to grow as an individual, I'm looking to renew friendships that have fallen by the wayside. Some of these friends are near and some are far. Regardless, I'm looking to reconnect with these important people. And, along the way, I'm open to the possibility of new friendships as well, because friendships hold the ability to enrich my life more deeply.

Faith. Unlike many of my friends, I haven't lost my faith, but my faith has grown stagnant. I am actively seeking to grow my faith. I love my Catholic faith, and while I go to church every Sunday, I know that there is room for growth. I’m focusing on different methods of prayer, and seeking ways to truly define what I believe. Today, my walk with God was put into question by a person from my past who told me they could no longer be my friend because, essentially, I am “immoral”. It stung a little bit, because it’s been a while, if ever, since I’ve had that happen. I may be gay, but I know God and I do know the Bible. I don’t claim to be an expert, but my faith keeps me grounded. Maybe the stinging words I received today were a reminder from God that I do know my faith, to stay strong.

Fitness. My fitness routine has really gotten out of balance. Lately, I’ve had to force myself to go to the gym. I’m taking baby steps to get back in the routine. I want to get into Yoga. It’s all about making myself do it. Focusing myself. There are so many benefits to gain. I’m not planning on gracing the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine, but I know that there are many health benefits—both mental and physical—to be gained from a regular workout routine.

Financially. Money is tight these days. I am very good at saving money. Yet, my savings has dwindled in the last year. It’s time to find ways, perhaps creative ways to rebuild my savings.

Here’s my confession: To this point, I have done a lot of work on myself, but there’s still a lot of work to be done. There will be successes and setbacks, and that is ok. The key is to keep my eyes on the future and to not be hard on myself on those days that are not so perfect. I’ve learned a lot about myself in these last seven months. I’m excited to see where I’ll be seven months from now. One thing is for sure…I’m going to stay focused so that I can become the best ME I can possibly be.

WHY CATHOLICISM?

It may seem strange to consider that I grew up in a Southern Baptist family and went to a Southern Baptist college, and add to that the fact that I’m gay, that I am now Roman Catholic. After all, how does one make such a leap? We are talking about two extremes here.

Well, my faith journey began at an early age. While my parents were not much into going to church, my dad would take me occasionally. Most of my church experiences, at least the early ones, were with my maternal grandmother. As a teenager, I decided to join a church. Naturally, I followed the flow of my family and joined and was subsequently baptized in a small Southern Baptist church. I became very active with the youth group and music programs of the church sang in the choir, played piano and organ whenever needed. From the time I was about fourteen years old, church was my life. I was there every time the door was open, and sometimes even when it wasn’t. Then, it came time to choose a college. From the moment I heard about Cumberland College, I knew in an instant it was for me. And, so, I went. I thought nothing could be better—going to a Christian college. I would surely be sheltered from all the world’s sin and debauchery, right? Well, I had a rude awakening coming to me. Not everyone who attends a Christian college is a Christian.

So, as time went on, I matured as a person, and began to redefine my belief system. When I finally had wrestled with my homosexuality and prayed and prayed and prayed seeking peace and clarification, it became obvious to me, that my beliefs and those of the Southern Baptist Convention were not necessarily inline. One week and one day after I came out to my mother, I set out on a spiritual journey which would lead me to a large United Methodist church in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. The moment I walked in, I sensed the presence of God in a way I had never experienced before. Maybe it was the Gothic architecture, maybe it was the A cappella voices of the choir as they began with their prelude. Maybe it was the majestic sound of the Aeolian-Skinner Organ. Maybe it was a combination of all of the above. Of this I am certain: God was present in my life at that very moment in a way that words will never do justice.

A number of months later, I joined the church by transfer of church letter. It came as a shock to my grandmother, and at the time I couldn’t be honest with her about my reason for doing it. I grew to love the beautiful liturgy, the structure, the message.

Then, about two years later, I moved to Birmingham, Alabama. I visited several United Methodist churches in the city, and none of them could possibly compare with my church in Knoxville. It was at that point, that I began attending Mass with my then-partner, who is Catholic. I joined the choir, and had no intentions of joining the church. Ever. Then, nine months later, I was sitting in the conversion class, awaiting confirmation at the Easter Vigil Mass in 2000.

Here’s my confession: I found a peace in Catholicism that I couldn’t find elsewhere. I found the beauty of the liturgy, the encouragement of the clergy. I found a place that didn’t base all of Christianity solely on the scripture, but considered tradition, something that for a long time I had been doing, but had been unable to find for myself. I often tell people I knew it was time to become Catholic when I no longer felt the need to go home and slit my wrist. My experience with Catholicism has been one of great peace, an affirmation of love. I’ve had several priests say that if you hear nothing else each week, you should hear that Jesus Loves You. One of my favorite Catholic hymns is “All are Welcome”. That’s exactly what Jesus came to teach us.

No, I don’t agree with everything that the Pope teaches. In stark contrast, I disagree with most everything the Pope has taught, but I don’t let that put a damper on my faith. My faith is strong enough to overlook the conservative views of the Holy Father.

I’ve written before, that I, like many American Catholics, am a Cafeteria Catholic. I think there is much good to be learned in the Catholic Church. It is where I, as a human, am able to connect with God. It is where I, as a gay man, am able to experience the love of God. It is where I, as a former Southern Baptist and United Methodist am able to bring those experiences with me so that I may be a better Catholic. I think that sometimes people think “oh, Catholics are weird people, following all their strange rituals, praying to the saints…” and on and on they go. That’s where ignorance comes into play. Yes, all those things are true of the church, but there’s a reason behind it all. And, that’s where I find peace, that’s where I find joy. And, in this season of Lent, I’m so thankful for the beauty of the liturgical season through the church’s eyes.

I have nothing against Protestants. Many of my best friends are Baptist. It’s all about finding your spiritual path, your spiritual journey. I’ve also found after attending a “Christian College” that there are really a couple of extremes that people fall into. They either become way over-the-top Jesus freaks or they lose their faith in organized religion completely. I suppose I’m one of the lucky ones who found a middle ground. I’m grateful for that, because I can’t imagine my life without the church.

GRATITUDE

I pause again to reflect on the week behind me. It has been a week of change, adjustment, and, surprisingly, peace. It has been a week that has reminded me again of all the many blessings I have. It has been a week of reflection, and a week of looking forward with great expectations.

I am grateful for the peace that has transpired between Parker and me in the wake of our separation as a couple. He informed his parents of the decision earlier in the week. They both took the news well, and wished us both the best as we move forward. Both of them affirmed to me their desire for me to still be part of their family. Since the very beginning of our relationship, they have welcomed me as though I were one of their own, and even though the relationship between Parker and me has changed, I feel no less a part of their family. The relationship I’ve experienced with his family is something I don’t take lightly. So many gay couples don’t experience that kind of support. Over the last nearly five years, they have become my family.

I am grateful for renewed friendships in the last few days through a social networking site I’ve joined. I’ve rediscovered so many people from my past I had forgotten. I look forward to rekindling these relationships and forging new ones in the near future.

I’m grateful for the encouragement I’ve experienced over the last week or so. I have so many amazing people in my life, so many people who truly, genuinely care about me. This week I’m most grateful for the encouragement of an unlikely friend, someone with whom I went to elementary school, who told me of how my blog has helped her to reflect on her own life. I’ve carried that thought with me the last couple of days and am truly at a loss for words to describe how good it made me feel.

I’m grateful for this season of Lent, a season of growth, reflection and preparation. Lent this year comes as I have reached a crossroads in my own life.

Here’s my confession: In a week that should have been extremely difficult, I’ve found peace and much gratitude. In a week in which I should have been mourning the loss of a love, I’ve found so much more to be thankful for in our past than regrets. I lie here tonight, silent. I glance over and see my cat gently, peacefully sleeping beside me. All is well in his world, and I’m grateful that all is well in mine as well.

RIGHT ON TARGET?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my wardrobe. I like to think of myself as a fashionable individual. After all, in my senior class in high school, I was elected “Best Dressed” (and Most Talented, too). So, I try to always look my best. I think I’m getting a little too old to wear Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister, and unfortunately, my bank account won’t allow too many trips to Jos. A. Banks or Brooks Brothers, at least at this juncture. Actually, my bank account these days allows the occasional trip to TJ Maxx or Ross Dress for less, and when, lucky, a trip to Belk, thanks to the help of gift cards I sometimes receive for a job well done.

One of my favorite places to go—even if I don’t purchase anything is Target. I’ve found myself lately checking out the dress clothes in the Men’s department at Target. Honestly, I’ve seen some nice things. Without sounding snobbish, I’m really torn as to whether I should consider creating a wardrobe from Target.

Here’s my confession: I don’t want to be a snob, but I want to look good. I want to be in style. I think that what we wear on the outside reflects how we feel on the inside. Should I just suck it up and buy some things from Target, or should I save my money and wait until I can afford something else from one of the more “upscale” retailers?

Dear readers, I need your thoughts…

AN OFFERING OF ASHES

"We rise again from ashes, from the good we've failed to do, We rise again from ashes, to create ourselves anew. If all our world is ashes, then must our lives be true, an offering of ashes, an offering to you." from the hymn "Ashes"

And so begins the penitential season of Lent, those forty days leading us up to Easter. Today, Ash Wednesday, begins this special spiritual season, as we receive the ashes on our forehead as a symbol of our mortality and penitence. It is a time in which we are introspective about the things in our lives that retard us spiritually, and look for ways to improve, to make us both better human and spiritual beings.

Traditionally, the custom is to give something up for Lent. Many people may focus on abstaining from certain foods for the time, or perhaps giving up some activity, but not all give something up. Some prefer to take on something else-perhaps volunteering for something, etc. As my priest said on Sunday, there are an unlimited number of things we can do for Lent-and we don't have to focus on the negative things. We can be creative. His point was that whatever special thing we do for Lent, the idea is that when we come to celebrate the Easter liturgy, we be a changed people.

I like to view Lent as the church's gift to us-a second chance to work on our new year's resolution. Whatever we chose to do for Lent, it should have a lasting effect in our lives, not something we forget about as soon as we hear the bells ringing as the Gloria is sung on Holy Thursday. For the last several years, I have tried to focus on my prayer life. Several years ago, I joined the YMCA for Lent. I have friends who give up certain foods, some of whom are not even practicing church goers.

Here's my confession: I haven't always been successful at my Lenten "sacrifice". However, I have tried, made the effort. We offer God our failures, we offer our attempts. While sometimes people prefer to keep what they are "doing" for Lent to themselves, I don't mind sharing. I'm focusing on several areas this Lenten season. I'm at a pivotal point in my life, looking for my direction. This year for Lent, I am focusing on my prayer life-this time by learning to pray the Rosary, as well as centering prayer. Additionally, I'm going to focus on getting back in the gym more often, and seriously learning to do yoga. I'm even going to focus on being better in all aspects of work-starting with getting there on time. If I can do that, we'll go from there!

Lenten sacrifices are about discipline, which in turn will lead us to a deeper relationship with God and each other. To me, that means a deeper relationship with myself as well, which leads to peace. And, in these times in which we live, couldn't we use a little more peace?

HONESTY

The Bible tells us that the truth will set us free. Why, then, do we hold back on the truth so often, especially in the confines of a relationship? Why do keep details from the ones we supposedly love? Why do we fear being honest? Is it the vulnerability it opens us up to? Do we withhold the truth, fearing that it may hurt another person?

I’ve learned a lesson in honesty very personally the last couple of weeks. For several months Parker and I have avoided necessary conversations, preferring to ignore the truth that was there before us the whole time. Now that we’ve decided to separate ourselves as a couple, there is a newfound freedom, at least for me. I’ve shared things I’ve been withholding for months. Why? Maybe it’s because I have nothing left to lose. Maybe it’s the necessity of having a clear conscience.

Here’s my confession: As I mentioned previously, Parker and I went to visit his parents on Sunday evening for a birthday celebration. While there, he privately told his father of our decision to separate. On our way home, he was telling me of the conversation between him and his father. He said he told his father that we don’t hate one another, that as far as he’s concerned, I’m still a part of the family. I told him that I think I actually may love him more now than I did before, because we’ve been so honest with one another.

Few people understand how I feel when I tell them how well I’m doing post-break up. In all honesty, I’m at peace. The full magnitude may hit me sometime out of the blue in the days or weeks ahead, but I honestly believe that the truth has set me free. I am at peace.

MOVING ON

The three of us were sitting there-Parker, the counselor and me. There was a bit of nervousness in the air, at least for Parker and me, for we knew what was about to happen. There was no malice, no harsh feelings, and no hostility whatsoever. It was an honest and open exchange. Since I have been seeing the counselor for the last several months, I let Parker do most of the talking, to share his viewpoint, his ideas. The counselor even commented that I was being much more quiet and subdued than normal, that I didn’t seem like “myself”.

It quickly became apparent that Parker and I were completely on the same page with our issues, that we were at the point of making a decision about our relationship status. Not an easy decision in the least, but we both knew the next step, we knew the answer. Meeting with the counselor was a mere formality, as it were, to confirm what we already knew in our hearts.

Here’s my confession: Parker and I officially decided last Thursday that we would separate as a couple. We will remain roommates, living in our home, sharing our pets, finances, etc., but are free to move on with our lives in which ever direction we see fit. He pledged to me that I am a member of his family, and that will never change. Our separation could not be more amiable. While our love has changed, it has not died. Our friendship remains in tact, something we are committed to continuing.

This evening we were talking on our way home from a dinner at his parents’ house. He and his father had a private discussion about our relationship status, so we were talking about it on our way home. His parents are such wonderful people and have welcomed me into their lives in such a way that words truly defy these last nearly five years. I truly feel as though I am one of them, and know that I do have their love and support in anything I do.

At the end of our counseling session, the counselor asked if either of us had anything else we would like to say. I pulled out my iPhone and read the blog I wrote a couple of weeks ago entitled “Eulogy for Love”, which is perhaps one of my most honest and poignant blogs ever. Both Parker and the counselor were visibly moved.

And so, I prepare to move along in many areas of my life. I prepare to embrace my life anew. I prepare to move forward in my relationship with Parker. And, deep down in my heart of hearts, I believe that our love cannot be labeled a failure, and I believe that our friendship is strong and mature enough to endure this setback. Isn’t that what love is all about, anyway?

GRATITUDE

This weekly gratitude blog had had a profound impact on the way I view my life. I take so many of the things in my life for granted, but pausing each week does show me just how much I have. This week is no exception.

For those of you who are not yet aware, my relationship status changed this week. I’ll write more about that in the coming days. What I am most grateful for this week is the amazing and supportive group of friends I have who make life such a wonderful blessing. For someone who spent most of his life lonely, without a lot of friends, I am more than abundantly blessed with friendships at this juncture in my life. Many of them I don’t get to see on a daily basis, but some I do, some I’m in contact with only online, others over the telephone, but regardless of how we keep in touch, each of these friends have reminded me time and time again that they are here for me, and they genuinely care about me, my physical, mental and emotional status.

I’m grateful for the answers to prayers that are coming in, the peaceful feeling that is deep within me and for visions that are becoming clear to me.

I am, as always, thankful for the love of my pets. Gentle and peaceful is the love they give. Sometimes it seems like so much work to have them around, but it is really worth it.

Today is my mother’s birthday. If you are frequent reader of my blog, you know that the relationship is, to say the least, strained. However, I’m grateful that I had a mother who gave me life, and did her best to give me the best life she knew possible. Someday, perhaps our relationship will be civil again.

Here’s my confession: Giving the difficult situations I’ve faced this week, it would be easy to just wallow in self-pity, but it’s far more beneficial for me to look at the positive elements of my life, because there are so many. I’m grateful for the gift of love, friends, music and the dreams of tomorrow. I’m grateful for friends who inspire me each and everyday to reach for something better, to be the best I can be, even when I don’t feel like it.

It is my prayer that you will take a moment to reflect on the many great things in your life. They are there, if you’ll just look for them and embrace them!