SWIRILING THOUGHTS

The thoughts have been swirling around in my head all week. So many thoughts, I don’t even know where to begin. This is the week that I’ve started realizing that things are really changing between Parker and me. It’s a feeling that I’m having trouble articulating. It’s not just the changes between Parker and me that have been weighing heavily on my mind this week. I’ve been unmotivated in most areas of my life.

I’ve felt very vulnerable this week and I’m having trouble totally tapping into my deepest emotions. There’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m uneasy. I’ve made so much progress in the last few months with myself, but now it is as though I’m standing here in the face of reality and do not know which way to turn. I feel alone, although I know that I am not. I am surrounded by people who care for me deeply.

Another area of my life with which I am struggling is my fitness routine. I know that I need to be working out. I know that it is the very best thing I can do for my body, my mind and my spirit. Yet, I find it so much easier to walk past the YMCA each day and go sit in a local food court, read and people watch. I’ve considered cancelling my membership to the Y. Today, I think I had a bit of an epiphany. I’m going to have to MAKE myself go back to the gym, whether or not I want to, whether or not I feel like it. Period.

There are other areas of my life what are in disarray. I must force myself to be a better employee. I must take an honest inventory of the relationships in my life. I’ve written it before, I feel that I’m on the cusp of change. Standing here on the edge, I’m looking for a direction. It’s a scary and frightening place to be.

Here’s my confession: I’m scared. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I can’t expect everything to come together all at once in my life. It’s going to take time. I know that the time it takes for growth is where the lessons will be learned. I’m so thankful for those friends who have been there for me to lean on as I go through this difficult valley. I just wish I could tap into my emotions. I wish I could cry. I love Parker and I always will, but I know that we’ve made the best decision for us. That certainly doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the changes, but as I always say…”that which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” I will survive, and I will be stronger after this journey. And, hopefully, soon, I’ll be able to sort out these emotions and find the motivation I need to carry on that I know is buried deep inside.

This has been a very difficult blog for me to write because it has taken every ounce of energy I have to sort out my myriad of emotions. It may take a few more hugs than normal to get me through, but I'm going to be ok. Eventually.