I THOUGHT I WAS READY...

I thought I was ready. I thought enough time had passed. I thought that I had done enough work on myself. I thought the time was right. I thought I could give of myself fully and completely. I was wrong. I'm talking, of course, about my relationship with Lane. Our connection to one another was instantaneous, as was our definition as a couple. Within days we had uttered to one another the "L" word. You know you're in deep when you utter the "L" word and change your relationship status on facebook, which is exactly what we did. All was right with the world. A whole new world was opening up to me. There were new experiences, highs, joys and excitement. There were those around sounding the warning alarm: "Be careful!", "Take it slow and enjoy it.", "Don't rush." However, we are both guilty of tuning out those voices around us. This was our lives, and it was our love, after all. We knew what we were getting into and nothing, and nobody could stop us. So, headlong we went.

The truth of the matter is that, sadly, I wasn't ready, no matter how much I thought I was. I thought I had spent enough time alone, I thought that I truly knew myself, what I wanted and where life was headed. I hadn't, and I didn't. The truth of the matter is that while I should have listened to my well-meaning friends, that I didn't, and from that I learned a great many lessons in those four months about myself and relationships.

I've learned to trust my gut--It almost never lies. I've learned to take my time, because there is absolutely no need to rush. I've learned that Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is a relationship. I've learned that friendship is a supreme gift. I've learned that living in the now without focusing on the future is terribly difficult. I've learned that dating and being in a serious relationship are two completely different things. I've learned that it is better to be honest and upfront right away (with yourself and others) rather than allowing things to fester beneath the surface.

Here's my confession: When we started the relationship, we knew we were taking a chance. We jumped, not knowing if there was solid ground below. We took that leap. We plunged into the rivers of love and were swept away by the current. There's no good guy, there's no bad guy. There's just the two of us. One is hurt and feeling rejected, the other feels guilty because the other one feels rejected. One of us is at peace, one of us is torn apart inside. Both of us will get through this situation. Both of us will proceed with caution. Both of us love one another and are trying to figure out what that means. In the interim, there's healing to do, hearts and friendships to mend. One never knows what will happen when we take a risk, especially if that risk involves the tricky subject of love. The best that I can do is continue to work on myself, to grow as a person, to focus on being the best me that I can be, the best friend I can be, and to be ready when it's time to take a risk again. If I am not true to me, I'm not being true to anyone else, and in that situation nobody wins. This would be a good time for "I told you so's", but those closest to me have been more considerate than that. They understand it's a difficult time and decision for me, and like the great friends that they are, they have given me love and support. And with that love, comes contentment and contentment fosters peace.