HOW LONG, O LORD?

To me, one of the most comforting passages of scripture has always been Psalm 13 which reads:
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”

I’ve found myself in recent weeks in just a state of being, for lack of a better term, unsettled. While none of us know what tomorrow holds, I’d just like to have a grasp, a glimpse, an idea. So many dreams, so many fears, so many possibilities.

I’ve come so very far in the last couple of years of life. There have been periods of sustained and visible growth in who I am, changes I set out to make and there have been times when I feel like I’ve hit the brick wall and may never bounce back. The truth is, I almost always bounce back.

I have a lot of hopes, I have a lot of dreams, and I have a lot of fears. How often do I feel that I have just been left here to figure it all out on my own, like my God has, as the Psalmist puts it, forgotten me. The scripture passage has meant so very much to me since I first read it as a teenager, when I first began wrestling and coming to grips with my sexual identity. No other scripture passage brought me comfort during those difficult times.

Here’s my confession: I try, every day, to look for ways to grow as a friend, as a member of society and as an individual. I often wrestle with discovering exactly who I am. I wrestle with the direction my life is heading. I try to be true to myself, and thereby true to others. I hope to that end I am overwhelmingly, abundantly successful. I can’t help wondering about what lies ahead for me personally, professionally, spiritually. I know that change is coming. I am confident that I’m going to meet my special someone, I’m confident that all will be well and there will be peace. But above all that, I am confident that no, my God has not forgotten me. I’m confident that the plans are firmly in place. Those plans will happen not in my timing, but in the timing of the supreme power of an almighty and all-loving God. Therefore, even in the midst of my questioning, my pondering, my impatience, I can be certain that God’s still listening to my prayers, God’s face is not hidden from me, and all the wrestling will one day come to an end.