THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

In the last year, no doubt, if you’ve followed my blog or know me in person, you've witnessed many changes in my life. I've gone from having a “non-boyfriend boyfriend” to being single. You've seen me struggle with the house. You've seen me frustrated about work. You've seen me make mistakes; you've heard me say things I shouldn't have said, things that have been misinterpreted. You've listened to stories about my life. Yet, you've yet to see me cry.

Why haven't I cried? I don't know. Maybe I don't cry any more. There are times that my frustrations with money, life situation, living situation, professional life and even all the extra activities in which I'm involved are often more than I can handle, but I keep my head up. I keep going against the current. There are not a lot of things I try to hide from my closest friends and I can't hide much from them anyway. There are times that my patience is tried, there have been times when my dreams have been tossed and torn. There are times I pray for a flood of tears, but they just don't fall.

I've come a long way since that day almost two years ago when Parker and I decided to call our relationship quits. I've come a long way since I finally broke free of Lane. I've found something I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd find...independence and strength...an independence and strength that I am certain that I still haven't fully realized. Until recently, I have been content with being single. But, there's a part of me that longs to share this life while I still can. The truth of the matter is that I am lost. I don't know how to date. I've never really dated. My dates have turned into instant relationships. I feel like a teenager who doesn't know what to do. It's scary to me to be out here in the big old world. A friend’s question the other day sent me into a tailspin of contemplation: Why AREN'T people knocking down my door to get to me? Maybe I'm too nice? Maybe I'm too flirty? Maybe I've just not found the one yet? I do take solace in what my dear friends have told me...anyone who really gets to know me—the real me—can't help falling in love with me. That means a lot to me. That means a world to me. I do want to date. I want to experience life to its fullest.

I've found in my time on earth that it is true that everything happens for a reason. I go through a situation and learn lessons from that situation and apply it to the next situation. Mostly, I am happy in this life I've been given. There are a few strokes in the painting I would change, but the flaws are there for a reason, they are like scars that remind me of some event that I overcame, some situation that changed my life.

I wake up each morning thankful that I have a job to go to, regardless how miserably malcontent the people I work with and I are when we get there. I long to explore the next chapter of my life...a new career...a new love....and for the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by friends who REALLY do love me. I never thought myself worthy of such love, such friendship, such devotion, but I now accept that I am.

Worry. I do worry. I worry about money. I worry about how I'm going to pay the rent, the bills and fit everything in that needs to be fit in. The difference is that I no longer let that worry consume me. I don't worry that my family of origin does not bother to contact me. I don't worry, because I know that no matter how dismal things may look, I'm never alone.

Here's my confession: One day I'll find the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I imagine at the end of that rainbow is much joy, success, happiness, peace and LOVE. I imagine a day, maybe not so far way, when I am able to give love and receive love. I imagine a day when I'll love when I'm doing what I love, and love what I'm doing. I imagine a day when my faith will rebound and I won't be going through the motions. I imagine a day when today's struggles are tomorrow's humor. I imagine a day, not so far away, when I'll be complete, when problems find their solutions, when dreams never die. I imagine a day. I imagine a night. I imagine a lifetime. And, I imagine you'll be there, too. I imagine that just like that beautiful rainbow, my life, now a little tired and grey will shine again, will shine anew with beautiful and vibrant tones. One day I'll find it—the Rainbow Connection. The Lovers, The Dreamers. And Me.