GRATITUDE 04.29.10

It’s amazing how quickly the weeks seem to just zoom by. It seems like only yesterday that I was writing last week’s gratitude blog, but it has, in fact, been an entire week. In fact, this is the first time in a very long time that I have written a blog almost every day of the week. I hope that I am falling into a routine again, and that my blogging is relevant and meaningful.

As I recall the last week of my life, I am filled with gratitude as I see, despite struggles in my life, many wonderful things in my life. I am grateful for those obvious things in my life—shelter, my furry little felines who don’t judge me when I do stupid things (maybe they do…but I’m going to just keep telling myself that they are filled with unconditional love to make myself feel better.)

I’m grateful for the support of true and abiding friendships. It seems when we face struggles or are “down on our luck” so speak, you truly find out who your “friends” are. I am so grateful for the former co-workers who check in with me several times a week, and are always there with their support and love. It’s been like that since minutes after I walked out of the office for the last time and shows no signs of ceasing. That’s the beauty of friendship.

I am further grateful for the brotherhood I have found through my involvement in the men’s chorus. Coming from a lifetime of feeling like an outsider, feeling inferior to others to being where I am today, to where I feel like people love me and care about me for me—they accept my flaws and eccentricities (and let’s face it, we all have them), and I truly know what being blessed feels like.

I am grateful for the experiences I had this week. I had an incredible drive to Atlanta this week to visit with my dear college friend CJ. That was probably my perfect day—or at least the most perfect day I’ve experienced in quite some time. Driving is not something I enjoy very much. However, the drive was rather cathartic, spending time catching up with CJ was refreshing, relaxing and gave me a reason to laugh and smile.

I’d be remiss were I to not mention Ghraant, Christopher, Gray and Trent in this blog. Their love is amazing beyond words. They’ve each allowed me into their lives, and have, in their own individual ways been supportive to me in my times of need. How tirelessly they’ve listened to the “junk” that has gone on in my life over the last few months. I only hope they know that while I have so little to offer in return, that I offer them my heart, for that’s the purest payment that I have to offer in return for their presence in my life.

I’m grateful for the wonderful moments of music that I’ve been a part of this week—with the choral society as we prepare for our concert on Sunday. While there will no doubt be mistakes here and there, the ensemble is ready to deliver our audience an incredible experience. To me, the music is deeply and amazingly spiritual. It matters not what you call your Divine—be it Jesus, The Buddha or a combination of any of the world’s spiritual traditions, I believe our musical offerings transcend mere Christianity. Just as music does not affiliate itself with a specific spiritual tradition, I believe if you seek spirituality through the message in the music, you’ll find it.

I’m grateful for this present moment because it is the only moment I’ve been promised. I’m grateful for the moments of yesterday and the moments that may come to me tomorrow, but I’m grateful for the now. Learning to live and experience the one simple concept of the “NOW” is far more difficult a discipline than it may seem, but I’m grateful for the moments that remind me to not forget that NOW is all I have for certain.

Here’s my confession: I’ve felt a tremendous amount of peace in the depths of my soul this week. It’s absolutely something I cannot explain. A job will be mine when the time is right. That doesn’t give me a license to stop looking, but I have a sense of peace about my situation. I’m grateful that I’m learning to let go of resentments, pain, fear and frustration that could eat me alive were I to allow them. I’m grateful that I have a home and a bed in which to lay my head tonight, a few (diminishing) dollars in my bank account and, very importantly, people who love me in spite of the fool I can sometimes tend to allow myself to make of myself. Reasons for adapting and Attitude of Gratitude are all around us, if we will only take a moment to examine our lives.

THINKING

I’ve been sitting here for over an hour trying to think of what I wanted to write about, knowing deep inside that I NEED to write something, if only for me.

I’ve been thinking about how incredibly blessed I have been, well, all of my life, but especially these last two months. I’m at a crossroads I don’t think I honestly imagined I would ever see. But, life comes at you fast. One day you’re going along, minding your own business, just trying to make some money for the man, and the next thing you know you’ve been relieved of your duties. Does that mark the ending or does it mark a beginning? Perhaps, it marks both. What I can say for certain is that I do not miss the stress of going to a place that was dragging me farther and farther down each and every day. I do miss my friends, but, the real beauty is that the people who really matter haven’t lost touch with me. The people who really matter are in constant contact with me.

I’ve been thinking about where this road is headed. I’ve been thinking about how I have faith that just any day now things are going to turn around. It’s crazy, but it’s like I have this peaceful feeling deep inside me that is utterly inexplicable. I BELIEVE that a door is going to open, and it’s going to open with so much opportunity. I believe that a new job will be here soon. I believe a new career is already under construction. I believe with all my being that someday—hopefully soon—that I will meet the man my God is preparing for me. I believe that my small group of friends, those in whom I confide my deepest darkest, most intimate secrets are in my life for a reason—other than keeping me from going insane. They are there as guideposts and voices to keep me from making the same stupid mistakes again. In fact, I admonished Christopher this afternoon should he see me heading toward a relationship that isn’t right for me, he has my permission to bitch slap the hell out of me. I’ve no doubt I can trust him to do so. Sometimes, we just don’t want to listen. We’re stubborn. But, I know that’s something that has to change.

Here’s my confession: I’m experiencing a tremendous sense of peace in my life right now. There are simply not words to describe it. I feel like I am absolutely in the center of where I am supposed to be. It’s like each and every little piece of the puzzle is going to fall right into place. Oh, I know it is going to take time. But, it’s time well worth it.

So, in the interim until the new job comes my way, until the right relationship finds its way to me, and until I wake up with the epiphany of epiphanies, I’m going to press on. I’m going to continue to take deep looks into my life—change the things that must be changed, welcome new experiences and relish the pleasures that are already in my life.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking. Mostly, I’m thinking of happiness that is waiting to be claimed. I’ve been thinking of ways to be creative, ways to love myself more deeply. Because in the words of Ru Paul…”If you don’t love yourself, how the HELL are you going to expect anyone else to love you?” That’s one of the truest phrases I’ve heard in a long time. I confess the time is right, and I’m ready.

LORD, HEAR MY PRAYER

I spoke to God today. That may not seem like much of a revelation. However, actually, I must admit that I don’t pray nearly as often as I should. I experience the Divine in many ways. However, tonight, I just felt the need to talk to God. Usually, when I need to talk to God, I write a letter, but I decided I would use my time driving home from playing for church choir practice to communicate with God.

I always feel like I’m rambling when I say my prayers out loud. I’ve just never been able to make it seem like a coherent conversation. It’s just a bunch of words with little substance. Tonight, I imagine, wasn’t much different, but it did give me a feeling like I had at least reached out to God.

What did I ask God for? Well, I told God that I didn’t know why I’m going through the things I’m going through—not having a primary job, why the relationship with Wynn ended, but that I had complete faith that God is in control of the situation, so I’m not going to worry. I thanked God for the amazing people who are part of my life. Never in my life have there been so many incredible that I love and trust so much. Never have I felt such a sense of being cared for and about. That’s a wonderful, powerful thing. Truth be told, it’s probably what gets me through each day.

So, I spoke to God tonight. I spoke with St. Joseph, too. St. Joseph didn’t really help me with the selling of my house, but St. Joseph has pulled through a few other times for me…maybe I should start asking St. Anthony for help, too. HE always helps me find my lost things! Ok, so, you Protestants reading this are thinking I’ve lost it. But, while I don’t believe EVERYTHING my Catholic faith teaches me, I do believe in the powerful communion of the saints. I do believe the Saints come to our aid, if only we ask.

Here’s my confession: Prayer is something I believe in, it’s just not something I do as much as I should. Prayer is a powerful tool, perhaps the most powerful tool we have as human beings. However, as I said earlier, I experience the Divine in many ways—I experience the Divine when I sit down at the piano, when I listen to a beautiful piece of music, when I see a beautiful Alabama sunset. Maybe prayer is different for all of us. I’m not sure. What I do know is that prayer works…however we go about it—whether it is writing a letter to God, keeping a prayer journal, using prayer beads or a Rosary, if we are speaking our most eloquent words or just rambling things off the top of our heads or even if we are just sitting in the silence of a darkened room. The most important thing to remember about prayer is that it is communication. Communication is not—or at least shouldn’t be—one sided. Communication involves not only taking our needs to God in the way we choose to offer up those needs, but also listening, watching, seeking the answer to those petitions. God doesn’t always answer prayers the way we think they are going to be answered. There is rarely a booming voice from the Heavens or a clap of thunder to awaken us. But, just as there are many ways for us to petition the Divine, there are just as many (or more) ways for the Divine to respond to our prayers. So, tonight, I say what is said during the reading of the general intercessions at mass. Lord, hear our prayer.

RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF…

I had an amazing day. I drove to Atlanta to visit with a college friend I haven’t seen since 2004. CJ and I met when he was my neighbor my freshman year of college in 1992 and enjoyed an instant friendship and, in many ways, a brotherhood. My family adopted him as one of their own. It wasn’t until about a week before he graduated that I learned a secret he had been holding from me. We were more similar than I would have ever imagined. He confided in me that he is, like me, gay. That was actually a pivotal moment in our friendship. In many ways, it was a new beginning of our friendship, or at least a new chapter. While CJ and I never shared any romantic feelings for one another, we were there for one another through the coming out process.

Such memories. CJ was there for my first gay bar experience. I was there the first time CJ got drunk. CJ even lived with my grandparents for a period of time. CJ moved to the west coast. I have had the privilege to visit him there on several occasions. There was a time when we would speak on the phone several times a week, but busy schedules and different time zones we fell apart from communicating as much. The last time I saw CJ was in California in 2004, when Parker and I were there for our honeymoon. That was, until today, when I met him in Atlanta for lunch. It was absolutely like we had just seen each other yesterday. That’s true friendship. That’s brotherhood.

Here’s my confession: CJ and I picked up today right where we left off. It didn’t feel like there had been any time, distance or experiences between us. I think that is the mark of a true and abiding friendship. We both felt we could just be honest with one another about things going on in our lives. We enjoyed an amazing lunch, incredible company and I think a renewed sense of friendship. CJ, thank you for an incredible day! This was another day when memories were made with my ‘brother’. I’m so hopeful that we will soon be able to spend more time together. I confess that even though I do not enjoy driving, even the drive to and from Atlanta was something I enjoyed. The whole day can be summed up in one word. Cathartic.

AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE

The lyrics to the Rascal Flatts’ song “Winner at a losing Game” have been resonating with me for the last week or so. After a considerable period of time, I’d finally put my heart out there again, given it to someone I thought I could trust. Perhaps it all happened too quickly, prematurely. Before I knew what was happening, my relationship with Wynn had cooled to nothing, almost as quickly as it began.

The lyric says “Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same? Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do is like tryin' to catch the rain. And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losin' game.”

When I met Wynn, it happened at a time when I really wasn’t looking. I suppose the cliché is true, that’s when love always finds you—when you aren’t looking for it. I imagine that is when it will happen again. When I stop looking. It just gets a little lonely in this big old world when there’s no one to share the intimate moments of my life with.

Here’s my confession: Love will come again, and no doubt, it will come to me out of the clear blue. It’s an uphill battle, it seems, but, in the end, it’s all worth it. I believe in love. I believe that when the time is right, the stars align, or whatever forces of nature have to come together to make love happen, it will happen. I want to know that I’m the luckiest man alive and I want that man to feel like he’s the luckiest man alive, too. So, God, if you’re listening, and I know you are, Thank you for the man you are preparing for me. Prepare me for him, and arrange for us a meeting when the time is right. I know you cause all good things to happen, so I’m trusting you on this one, God. Give me wisdom to know your plan. And so, faith, hope and love remain…but the greatest of these is LOVE.

BEGINNING AGAIN

The last two months have been so incredibly interesting to me. I’ve been through lots of ups and downs. I have cried a few tears, but mostly, I’ve held myself together, I’ve been strong and, for a reason still unknown to me, I have had very little fear. Were I to hazard a guess, I would have to say it’s the amazing support that has come my way from my true friends. I have faith that I can’t quite put into words. I have faith that this whole situation is just going to turn around and that something even better is going to come out of it.

Two months of my life. So very much change. I went from a stable job to no job. I went from the beginning of a seemingly happy relationship to single again in the blink of an eye. I’ve questioned a few things, but, remarkably, I have a calm in my soul and a peace in my spirit that I am having difficulty putting into words. A lot of my stress is gone. I no longer have to go to a place where I no longer belonged. Somehow, some way, I have a feeling that a better job is going to come along. Somehow, I have a feeling that Mr. Right and I just haven’t found one another yet.

The last two months, I have truly found the people I can rely on. I hope that I’ve never been burdensome to them in talking about various issues, and if I have, please accept my most humble apologies, but know that deep in my heart, I have so much love and gratitude for you that I’ll never be able to express. Sometimes, I think it takes a major change to wake us up and to get us to see the light.

Here’s my confession: I used to wonder what I would do if I just had gobs and gobs of “free time”. I often imagined that I would be sitting at the piano for hours a day learning new music, honing my skills. I thought maybe I would be crocheting blankets, learning new skills, organizing something around the house. Well, I must confess, I really haven’t been very successful in any of these areas. I have spent quite a bit of time at the piano. I’m determined to learn a few new pieces while I have the time to do so. I have attempted to learn a few new skills—mainly computer programs. But mostly, the last two months have been about connecting with myself, learning things about myself I couldn’t learn with a busy non-stop schedule. I feel a sense of freedom. I feel a sense of relief. And, while perhaps I’ve let my guard down a little and haven’t been as proactive in some areas of my life as I should be, I know that tomorrow morning, if I am allowed to wake up, I have an opportunity to begin again. I think perhaps that is what the last two months have been all about. Perhaps that’s what the next chapter of my life is all about. Beginning again, reinventing who I am. In many ways, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and for that, I am grateful. Tomorrow is a new day. It is pregnant with possibilities. I’m going to seize as many of them as possible.

GRATITUDE MUSINGS 04.23.10

Another week has come and gone. Yes, another week where I thought I’d have written another blog other than my weekly gratitude blog, but at least I’m writing this one on time. Perhaps next week will find me writing more. "Small steps" I keep telling myself.

I am grateful tonight as I contemplate the last week. So much inner healing and peace has come to me this week. Clarity has taken place of the confusion and Faith has replaced frustrations. I’m grateful that I haven’t let the setbacks I’ve faced over the last couple of months to dictate my path. I’m grateful for opportunities that have come about in my life as a result of the things that are no more. I’m grateful for my heart, though cracked, it’s not broken. I could have missed the pain, but yes, as the song goes, I’d have had to miss the dance. And, wasn’t the “dance” what it was all about? Wasn’t the “dance” more about the experience than the end result?

This week I am grateful for Parker. Parker and I met seven years ago this week. Funny, it seems like only yesterday. So many ups and downs in the roller coaster of our lives, yet, I don’t think there will ever come a time when I truly resent Parker, a time when I truly hate Parker. Parker and I were together for a time in both of our lives when we needed one another. When the ride had ended and the dust had settled, I believe we both have a strong sense of appreciation for one another. I’m grateful for Parker’s presence in my life, the many contributions he made, lessons I learned and, most of all, that he and Richard seem to be very happy together. Although things didn’t work out in the long run for us, Parker will always have a piece of my heart, and I’m grateful for that.

I’m grateful as I remember my grandmother this week. She passed from death into life ten years ago this week. It seems like only yesterday, and there’s hardly a day that goes by in which I don’t think of her. Little things each day, little things along the way, that remind me of her. I often wonder how differently things would be today were she still here among us. I wonder how our relationship would have improved, if she would have fully accepted me for who and what I am. I’ve no doubt she would be proud of me. She made no apologies for the fact that I was her favorite. I take comfort in knowing that she is resting in peace. She introduced me to so many of the things in my life. She introduced me to God. She introduced me to music. Ironically, it was the Saturday following her death that I was confirmed and accepted into full communion with the Catholic church.

I’m grateful again for the incredible gift of music in my life. During this period of transition in my life, I’ve spent a lot of time sitting at the piano learning new music, brushing up on old pieces and am so grateful that I, indeed, have something of which to be proud. I know that I am far from perfect as a musician. Yet, I remain humbled and exhilarated when I am able to share the gift with others and to truly live my dream.

I’m grateful for a new chapter that opened in my life this week. I’m grateful for the metaphor in my life. “I am a Phoenix”. I began my studies towards a Master of Science in Accountancy at the University of Phoenix this week. I am filled with anticipation, pride and hope as I step into my own uncharted destiny. I’m grateful for the support of those around me.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for memories and milestones, for that is what this week has been all about—remembering many important moments in my life; remembering setbacks and stepping stones; remembering tomorrow and yet looking ahead to tomorrow. I’m grateful for a heart on the mend, a heart that will, in time, love again. I’m grateful for a career that ended, but even more grateful for the possibility of a more rewarding future. I’m grateful for the opportunities given me. It is my hope that I use each opportunity wisely, that I am a good steward of my resources. I’m grateful for the people who walk this life with me. You may not even be aware of it, but you’ve kept me sane these last couple of months, when I thought I was losing everything. I’m grateful for today, but look at tomorrow, and smile.

GRATITUDE PONDERINGS 04.16.10

This has been another week wrought with change. This week I began a temp job with a local non-profit calling to solicit volunteers to participate in a fundraising event. While I freely admit it’s not something that I want to do on a long term basis, I do have to admit that I’m glad that I have somewhere to go each day for a few hours and am making money at the same time.

As I look back over the last week, I am so grateful for the small things in life—which, really, aren’t things. I’m grateful for the people in my life. Christopher is one of those friends with whom I had an almost instant connection and we feel comfortable sharing pretty much everything with one another. I’m grateful for his patience, his advice and most of all his brotherhood. Christopher is a very reserved person, actually, and that I’ve been welcomed into his life is an honor to me. I’m grateful for Trent, who without fail checks on me each day to keep me in line. I’m grateful for Jay. Our friendship has gone through ups and downs, but we know, deep down, that we are only a quick message away if we truly need one another. It’s abiding, wonderful friendships such as these that keep me pressing forward, even when I want to just throw in the towel.

I’m grateful for hope, for even when it seems distant; I know it’s something I still have. I’ve been through a lot the last couple of months. I’ve gone through the loss of a “family” I had for 12 years. A relationship that I thought was worth fighting for, a person about and for whom I had begun to care very deeply, crushed my dreams of a future together by his absence, his lack of commitment and his fear of getting more serious. That hurts, but I’m grateful and am looking at the lessons I have learned.

I’m grateful for clarity. Sometimes, we truly do see through a mirror dimly, but then there is a moment when all the dimness clears away and we see the path that has been set before us. Circumstances come our way and we can’t fathom why things are happening to us like they are. Each thing that happens in our lives, be they good or bad, has a transformative power over us, if we are willing to just take a deep look and make a few alterations, we soon realize these “circumstances” happened for a reason. They happened to make us a better person, to serve as a wake up call to life, and to set us on a path of discovery.

Here’s my confession: I’m a work in progress, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the friends who put up with me, support me and love me in spite of myself. I grew up as a lonely only child. I didn’t know the joy of true friendship until I was an adult. I was always that proverbial “last kid chosen on the playground”. I was the one other kids made fun of because I was different. I didn’t come from a perfect family. To their credit, I think my parents did the best job they knew how to do raising me. I like to think I turned out pretty ok. I could spend a lifetime having regrets for the way my childhood was not as picturesque as I would have hoped, I could allow myself to be eaten up with resentment for the loss of the relationship I have with my parents or I could allow myself to spend the rest of my life mired in anger, disappointment and apathy because of the “things” that haven’t gone exactly as planned in my life or I can allow myself to chose to live my life with an attitude of gratitude. For me, I hope I always choose the latter and more positive of those options—living my life in gratitude and making peace with myself for the things that aren’t perfect. For the truth is that in my life, I have lots and lots of love—more love than I probably even know. And for that, how can I not be grateful?

GRATITUDE PONDERINGS 04.08.10

Wow! As I look back over my blog, I realize it has been over a month since my last posting. So, I pause again for reflection on the many things in my life for which I am grateful.

I must admit that over the last few weeks, I may not have been the best friend to those who are so very important to me. At times, I’ve been cold and distant, to some I’ve probably been smothering and overbearing. Through it all, though, I hope each and every one of you know how absolutely essential you are in my life. I hope you know that even when I don’t express it in the way I should, I am grateful for your presence in my life.

Losing my job has been a mixed bag of blessings and pain. On the blessing side, I would say that being away from the stress of a job that was beginning to embitter me is a very positive thing. These last several weeks have provided me the opportunity for introspection, tears and reflection. The pain is that I don’t know exactly where I will land, if the choices I’m making today are the solid choices I should be making for my future. The pain comes in knowing every single day that the unemployment rate is so high and there are just not a lot of jobs to be had out there, no matter how hard I try. The pain is in wondering if, after all these years of stable work history—what it is that I can really do. The pain is in the self-doubt and fears that inevitably enter my world. Yet, I am grateful for each day that I wake up. That means I have yet another opportunity for a do-over. I’m grateful for time, for guidance, kind words and even advice I may not always want to take.

One of the things I am always most grateful for is the incredible gift of music. Last week was Holy Week, so I spent a fair share of my time sitting at an instrument either accompanying a choir rehearsal or a congregation. As the liturgy began on the evening of Holy Thursday, I recall the immense feeling that overcame me as I played the organ on the beautiful hymn “Lift High The Cross”. I will be the first to admit that I am not a “real” organist, but our church organ makes me sound like one. I was stricken with awe as I cranked up the volume and poured my soul into the hymn. I recalled how, as a very young child, I would go to church with my grandmother and all I ever wanted to do when I grew up was to be a church organist. I couldn’t even play an instrument at that point, but that’s what I wanted to do. I have arrived. I have realized one of my most impassioned childhood dreams. I’m so grateful for the opportunity. I’m so grateful for the abilities I’ve been given, and that even as the years go by, my skill level continues to improve. I stand amazed, humbled and eternally grateful for not only the blessing I’ve been given, but to the many who have inspired me as musicians, teachers who instructed me and parishioners and others who share with me words of encouragement.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for whatever it is that keeps me going, pressing onward. I’m grateful that I haven’t given up, and since I’m making a confession here, there have been several times over the last month-plus where I’ve thought I was at the end of my rope. The ending of a career, struggles with an important relationship, looking at never-changing scenery of my walls, has, at times, been extremely difficult. I’ve endured. I think this week, for the most part, is a week in which people have noticed my laughter, my smiles. I’m grateful, as silly as it is, for the gospel drag show I went to Sunday night at the local homosexual bar. The show provided me a chance to let go, relax and, oddly enough, worship God—something believe it or not—those of us who work in the church don’t often get the opportunity to do.

I’m grateful for direction. The path ahead is still a little hazy, but I’m going to get there, with a little help from my friends and from the guidance and assurance of a supreme God. Tomorrow is not promised to us. I’m learning to enjoy the present, and lean not always to my own understanding while I’m in this interim period of my life.