THINKING

I’ve been sitting here for over an hour trying to think of what I wanted to write about, knowing deep inside that I NEED to write something, if only for me.

I’ve been thinking about how incredibly blessed I have been, well, all of my life, but especially these last two months. I’m at a crossroads I don’t think I honestly imagined I would ever see. But, life comes at you fast. One day you’re going along, minding your own business, just trying to make some money for the man, and the next thing you know you’ve been relieved of your duties. Does that mark the ending or does it mark a beginning? Perhaps, it marks both. What I can say for certain is that I do not miss the stress of going to a place that was dragging me farther and farther down each and every day. I do miss my friends, but, the real beauty is that the people who really matter haven’t lost touch with me. The people who really matter are in constant contact with me.

I’ve been thinking about where this road is headed. I’ve been thinking about how I have faith that just any day now things are going to turn around. It’s crazy, but it’s like I have this peaceful feeling deep inside me that is utterly inexplicable. I BELIEVE that a door is going to open, and it’s going to open with so much opportunity. I believe that a new job will be here soon. I believe a new career is already under construction. I believe with all my being that someday—hopefully soon—that I will meet the man my God is preparing for me. I believe that my small group of friends, those in whom I confide my deepest darkest, most intimate secrets are in my life for a reason—other than keeping me from going insane. They are there as guideposts and voices to keep me from making the same stupid mistakes again. In fact, I admonished Christopher this afternoon should he see me heading toward a relationship that isn’t right for me, he has my permission to bitch slap the hell out of me. I’ve no doubt I can trust him to do so. Sometimes, we just don’t want to listen. We’re stubborn. But, I know that’s something that has to change.

Here’s my confession: I’m experiencing a tremendous sense of peace in my life right now. There are simply not words to describe it. I feel like I am absolutely in the center of where I am supposed to be. It’s like each and every little piece of the puzzle is going to fall right into place. Oh, I know it is going to take time. But, it’s time well worth it.

So, in the interim until the new job comes my way, until the right relationship finds its way to me, and until I wake up with the epiphany of epiphanies, I’m going to press on. I’m going to continue to take deep looks into my life—change the things that must be changed, welcome new experiences and relish the pleasures that are already in my life.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking. Mostly, I’m thinking of happiness that is waiting to be claimed. I’ve been thinking of ways to be creative, ways to love myself more deeply. Because in the words of Ru Paul…”If you don’t love yourself, how the HELL are you going to expect anyone else to love you?” That’s one of the truest phrases I’ve heard in a long time. I confess the time is right, and I’m ready.