GRATITUDE PONDERINGS 04.08.10

Wow! As I look back over my blog, I realize it has been over a month since my last posting. So, I pause again for reflection on the many things in my life for which I am grateful.

I must admit that over the last few weeks, I may not have been the best friend to those who are so very important to me. At times, I’ve been cold and distant, to some I’ve probably been smothering and overbearing. Through it all, though, I hope each and every one of you know how absolutely essential you are in my life. I hope you know that even when I don’t express it in the way I should, I am grateful for your presence in my life.

Losing my job has been a mixed bag of blessings and pain. On the blessing side, I would say that being away from the stress of a job that was beginning to embitter me is a very positive thing. These last several weeks have provided me the opportunity for introspection, tears and reflection. The pain is that I don’t know exactly where I will land, if the choices I’m making today are the solid choices I should be making for my future. The pain comes in knowing every single day that the unemployment rate is so high and there are just not a lot of jobs to be had out there, no matter how hard I try. The pain is in wondering if, after all these years of stable work history—what it is that I can really do. The pain is in the self-doubt and fears that inevitably enter my world. Yet, I am grateful for each day that I wake up. That means I have yet another opportunity for a do-over. I’m grateful for time, for guidance, kind words and even advice I may not always want to take.

One of the things I am always most grateful for is the incredible gift of music. Last week was Holy Week, so I spent a fair share of my time sitting at an instrument either accompanying a choir rehearsal or a congregation. As the liturgy began on the evening of Holy Thursday, I recall the immense feeling that overcame me as I played the organ on the beautiful hymn “Lift High The Cross”. I will be the first to admit that I am not a “real” organist, but our church organ makes me sound like one. I was stricken with awe as I cranked up the volume and poured my soul into the hymn. I recalled how, as a very young child, I would go to church with my grandmother and all I ever wanted to do when I grew up was to be a church organist. I couldn’t even play an instrument at that point, but that’s what I wanted to do. I have arrived. I have realized one of my most impassioned childhood dreams. I’m so grateful for the opportunity. I’m so grateful for the abilities I’ve been given, and that even as the years go by, my skill level continues to improve. I stand amazed, humbled and eternally grateful for not only the blessing I’ve been given, but to the many who have inspired me as musicians, teachers who instructed me and parishioners and others who share with me words of encouragement.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for whatever it is that keeps me going, pressing onward. I’m grateful that I haven’t given up, and since I’m making a confession here, there have been several times over the last month-plus where I’ve thought I was at the end of my rope. The ending of a career, struggles with an important relationship, looking at never-changing scenery of my walls, has, at times, been extremely difficult. I’ve endured. I think this week, for the most part, is a week in which people have noticed my laughter, my smiles. I’m grateful, as silly as it is, for the gospel drag show I went to Sunday night at the local homosexual bar. The show provided me a chance to let go, relax and, oddly enough, worship God—something believe it or not—those of us who work in the church don’t often get the opportunity to do.

I’m grateful for direction. The path ahead is still a little hazy, but I’m going to get there, with a little help from my friends and from the guidance and assurance of a supreme God. Tomorrow is not promised to us. I’m learning to enjoy the present, and lean not always to my own understanding while I’m in this interim period of my life.