A REALIZATION

It’s been a strange weekend for me. Parker went out of town yesterday with a friend and was gone overnight. While I was looking forward to the time of peace, solitude and time alone, I found that I was actually a little sad, even a bit anxious. I wasn’t expecting such a reaction. I found myself trying to refrain from sending him text messages, because I knew for all intents and purposes he was on a date. So, I went about my afternoon and evening, doing a little housework after he left, then ran some errands to get me out of the house. After going to Target, Kohl’s, Best Buy, Lowes, Big Lots, Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart and grabbing some dinner at Moe’s, it was about two hours later than I had actually planned on getting home.

While I was out, I had a feeling of light headedness and just didn’t feel well. I got home, unloaded my few purchases and was ready to relax for the rest of the evening. Fate didn’t have the same plan for me. I had purchased some milk while at the store, which leaked in the bag and consequently all over the floor. The cats thought that was a nice treat for them. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it the same way. So, I clean up the mess, put the other grocery items away and hear the unmistakable sound of a cat barfing. No problem. I go to clean it up. Then I notice that the same cat has used his litter box, so I turn it on to clean it. Finally. Time to relax. Not so soon. I hear my beloved cat crying out downstairs, so I go down to see what his problem was. I find him scratching the rug by the door. Knowing what he was getting ready to do, I yelled “NO!!!!” My plea didn’t faze him in the least. He proceeded to glare at me as he let a flow of pee stream all over the rug. Losing my religion (not to mention my temper) for a few moments, I shouted a few expletives at him and proceeded to clean up after him. It was at that moment that I understood fully the feeling that I had been having earlier. My light headedness had come full circle and I was in the midst of a mild panic attack, something I haven’t experienced in a while.

Here’s my confession: I realized just how much of a difficult transition I’m going through. I had thought I was doing fine about the separation between Parker and me. I knew it was only a matter of time until it would begin to hit me, and I don’t think the full impact has happened yet. When he got back today, I gave him a hug and later we talked a little bit about our feelings, our fears and our future. I’m confident that when all the dust settles, our friendship will remain intact. We’re going through some major life changes, but we’re going to be ok. It’s just that the period of growth and change is a difficult one. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. Still, my hope and prayer for him is that he find the happiness and peace that his heart desires, a happiness that we were unable to find together.

I’m sure that this realization is only the first of many to come my way in the future. I am sure that I’ll be stronger for the journey, but it’s still a difficult part. I’m still at peace with my life and the way it’s going, and know that there are many more lessons for me to learn. Life is good, and I’m going to be ok. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.