KEEP ON KEEPING ON

There is so much going on in my world, and it seems like there’s always something else to do, somewhere else to go. There are always some new skills I have to learn. There are new ways of doing my job, there are pressures upon pressures, stresses upon stresses. There’s the house that won’t sell, the bills that won’t pay themselves. And, honestly, there are days when to want to say to hell with it all and just give up.

Why don’t I? It’s because I can’t. I have to press on. There are people who are depending on me. There are too many people who believe in me for me to give up. It’s my closest friends who are my cheerleaders—the ones who keep me going. Yet, there’s another reason. It’s me. I can’t give up on myself. I’ve come too far in the last couple of years to allow myself to give up too easily. Certainly, I wish things were easier, I wish there weren’t the pressure from all angles of my life for everything to happen all at once.

Here’s my confession: I get so frustrated at the things in life sometimes. Yet, I know I have a support structure in place that will hold me up no matter the situation. I have good group of people I love and trust with me. So, I’ll wake up in the morning, the merry-go-round will still be going. I’ll climb back on, go for another thousand or so rounds and do it all over again and again. There will be some point out there for rest in the not too distant future. Oh, that there were only an easier way to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. My spirit, my soul, my body is tired and weary, but I press on for another day.

WHAT I DID THIS SUMMER

Summer is drawing to a close, schools are back in session, and my blog has been sitting here neglected for a while. So, I've decided to dust off the blog, and, in so doing, like many school children, I'll write an essay about "What I Did This Summer".

I took up a new hobby this summer. I am learning to crochet. I've yet to complete a project, but I am getting close. I began learning while on my trip to North Carolina with friends in May and have been determined to learn and create since then. Crochet is an incredibly relaxing activity, and something I believe I've done every single day since mid-May. I have a couple of projects under construction at this point. Stay tuned, as I'll be posting pictures of the finished creations.

I've spent lots of time with Gray and Trent, two of the dearest people who have ever dropped into my life. They each bring gifts of love and joy to my life and we provide mutual sounding boards from which to vent.

The summer started with a bang with the signing of a contract on the house that Parker and I have been trying to sell for more than a year. Our dreams of non-home ownership were dashed when the couple purchasing the house backed out due to an announcement that Norfolk-Southern is planning to build a Railroad Hub just miles from the house. Back to the drawing board. There's been zero interest since then. The housing market will eventually recover, and I just have to take solace in the fact that, for whatever reason, THIS was not OUR time.

In July, I visited with my friends Lee and Jane in Kentucky for several days. That was a wonderful, relaxing break from the normal day to day. To think that I've been friends with these two wonderful people for 14 and 15 years is simply amazing.

I've set some challenges for myself to learn new music for the piano. I am learning and attempting for the first time to memorize a few classical pieces, and am looking to also learn some hymn arrangements. My ultimate goal is to do something I've never done before-to give a piano recital.

I had some firsts this summer. I attended my very first gay pride parade, I took a shot of Patron Tequila and I even used a lawnmower for the first time in years.

Here's my confession: This summer has gone by so quickly, but it's been a good one. I've been so incredibly blessed in the last year to have people who have welcomed me into their lives. There are a million things on my plate that I really want to accomplish. There are many things I want to change about myself. I think I am at a place in my life where I am at peace with being single. When and if the time comes, when and if "HE" comes along, the time will be right. Right now, I don't think, is the right time. And, after all these many years, I'm ok with that. I'm continually examining my spirituality. As I look at my life, especially over the last few months, I identify many areas where I need to focus on growing. I see many things I don't like, many situations that are, to me, less than ideal. Some of these things I can control. Others, I simply have to take one day at a time and hope for the very best of outcomes. Yet, all in all, I'm learning about me. I think that's what this summer has been about. As cliché as it sounds, each day is the beginning of a new journey. It's not about how I live from paycheck to paycheck, it's not about where I live. It's not about pains I've suffered or people I've lost in my life. It's not about stuff. At the end of the day, it IS about the people who surround me, who walk this journey with me. It's about the friends who act as cheerleaders to me...the ones who call me out when I miss the mark, and those who celebrate my successes along side me. It's really all about where I am right now in the journey—with an eye to the past and an eye to the future—but truly allowing myself to immerse myself in the here and now. And you know what? I'm liking what I see.

SEARCHING FOR AUTHENTIC SPIRITUALITY

I just finished listening to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book is absolutely amazing and speaks so completely to the search that I believe, if we’re being honest, truly speaks to the quest in each of us, to find our way to the Source, or “God”.

The journey to find God, and an authentic spiritual experience is something I’ve traveled for so many years. From childhood, as a Southern Baptist, I found peace in what I was taught, then along the way, I realized my true beliefs were incongruent with the teachings of my denomination. I shopped around a bit, stopped off briefly in the United Methodist Church and have spent the last decade as a Catholic.

I don’t discount the teachings of the Buddha or The Christ. In fact, I see how bits and pieces of the traditions truly compliment one another.

Here’s my confession: I love calling myself a Catholic, although my personal beliefs more likely resemble the teachings of the Episcopal church. Yet, I just seek to find peace and joy in my faith. God, the source, is bigger than our feeble minds can comprehend. Yet, I know I am going to experience an authentic experience of faith.

SEASONS OF LOVE: GRATITUDE

This week I celebrated my 36th birthday. I was surrounded by friends—all but one of whom I did not know one year ago when I celebrated my 35th birthday. Sitting there at my birthday dinner, I was reminded how very much has changed in my life over the last year. I was reminded how many wonderful people have come into my life, how many amazing experiences and growth have come my way in those 12 months since I turned 35.

I think the single most important thing I did during the last year happened the evening last August when I walked into the open rehearsal for the Magic City Choral Society. Little did I know how that would be one of the most brave and life-changing moments. Little did I know that I was about to meet some of the most incredible people and people were soon to become my family. Little did I know that I was about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life.

In the last year of my life, I’ve discovered so many strengths and know who I am better than I did a year ago. People have come into my life, not only in the choir, but people I’ve met through my friends in the choir that are now the most important people in my life. These are people who have touched my life in ways I can’t quite possibly put into words.

Here’s my confession: I’ve experienced so much over the last year. Yet, hopefully, the last year is only the beginning. My lack of a relationship with my family of origin is something about which I’ve reached a place of peace, but I’m blessed with a family of choice that is out of this world. There are lots of things in my life I don’t quite have figured out, but what I do have lots of good in my life, despite the ups and downs that are a part of my life. Life is good. And, I’m happy to have celebrated another year of goodness. I’m enjoying the adventure. Thank you, dear friends—far and near—for the important role you have in my life!

GRATITUDE AND CATHARSIS 07.17.09

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote a blog. Tonight, I find myself in need of that time of reflection, time to reflect on the things for which I’m most grateful as well as the catharsis my writing brings to me.

Since my last writing, the contract has fallen through on my house. That’s a major blow to both Parker and me, as we both felt that we were about to be out from under the last tie to our relationship. The cancellation of the contract comes as a railroad hub is proposed to be built in our community. So, back at square one we have arrived.

The state of our economy and the pressures that go along with it are seemingly unrelenting. The financial pressures are unbelievable and the professional expectations are tiring. Sometimes it seems that nothing is ever enough. It seems like I’m swirling at the bottom of a black hole.

Here’s my confession: Despite the struggles I’m facing right now, I’m very blessed to have some of the most wonderful friends that once could ever know. I look over the last year and I’m fascinated at the many wonderful blessings and friends who have come into my life. All I can do is all I can do…and I’m going to persevere.

More blogs to come. I’ve missed writing and it’s necessary for me to maintain my sanity!

GRATITUDE 06.21.09

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to blog. Tonight, I sit down with much gratitude in my life. Since my last writing, Parker and I have gotten a contract on our house. It’s been a long and difficult year since the house went on the market, but it appears that there is light at the end of the tunnel…and we are looking forward to August 24, the date we are scheduled to close.

Last week was PRIDE week in Birmingham. This was a new experience for me. I’ve never been one who felt the need to broadcast my sexual orientation. However, it was a good feeling to be around so many people I’ve met over the last year, and just another step in seeing how far I’ve come in the last year. PRIDE is not really for me…but the feeling of being a part of a community is something I can’t quite find the words to fully express. While attending BAO Bingo, the drag queen who was there to provide entertainment performed to Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors”. The performance was so moving, as “she” had a pride flag draped around her and she removed it as she reached the line in the refrain about shining like a rainbow. We are all part of a rainbow.

I am so grateful for the many wonderful people in my life. A few people have serendipitously fallen into my life and I honestly can’t imagine life before they arrived. I’m grateful for the innumerable blessings that each of my friends bring into my life.

Here’s my confession: Life is good. I feel a lot of pressure in my life from many different directions, but at the same time, I feel everything heading in the right direction. Subtle changes are being made on an almost daily basis. And I’m going to just enjoy the ride.

GRATITUDE 06.07.09

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve paused in gratitude. There is absolutely no denying how incredibly blessed I am. I am in awe as I consider the many friends who have entered my life over the last year. There have been many moments of discontent in my life lately. There have been moments of worry about finances and just struggles with life in general.

Yet, even in my moments of discontent, it is the friends who surround me who and remind me they are there for me that keep me grounded. I’m grateful for moments of peace, solitude, and joy. I’m grateful for love and grace and the things I know to be true in my life.

Here’s my confession: Life is good. I do have to sometimes remind myself of that. It’s easy, especially in these days when we’re all under so much stress, to just want to give up and have a pity party. I’m grateful for the blessings in my life, for all the good in my life, and for the hope of each new tomorrow.

A MESSAGE TO MYSELF

I texted a friend today just to see how she is doing. She texted back "just peachy...how about you..." My reply, however, was perhaps a bit more than either of us had expected.

Single. Happy, Restless. Content. Waiting. Anxious. Gentle. Hopeful. Excited. Done. Commencing. Questioning. Listening. Resting. Running. Ready. Mistaken. Understood. Certain. Doubtful. Steadfast. Relinquishing. Full. Empty. Alone. Surrounded. Trusting. Fearful. Smiling. Wondering. Conflicted. Absolute. Complacent. Active. Believing.

She replied "Wow, dude. You have a lot on your plate." I've thought about my words a good portion of today. At the risk of being mundane, I think I'm going to break down each of those words and how they relate to where I am today.

Single: unencumbered by a relationship; free of the flavors of entanglement; freedom from all things commitment. Happy: satisfied with my current lot in life, the people in my life and its overall direction. Restless: longing for something more, apprehensive about my day to day being. Content: accepting things exactly as they are in my world. Waiting: for things to change, for the inevitable, for the ever-elusive panacea. Anxious: worried about the things that are not even in my control anyway. Gentle: Accepting each day with grace and peace. Hopeful: looking forward with promise to the new tomorrows. Excited: about how far I've come and how much more of the journey is left to be completed. Done: there are days I just want to give up, give in and say it is finished. Commencing: the dawning of each new day is a chance for a do-over, a new beginning. Questioning: everything in life from spiritual matters, finances, relationships, who I really am. Listening: to the sage advice of dear friends and to my own heart. Resting: from thoughts that do not propel me forward. Running: from all the struggles of daily life. Ready: for change, freedom, inner peace. Mistaken: by those who do not know how to take me; Understood: by those who have taken the change to get to know me, who see me in a different light, who see potential. Certain: of many great and wonderful things in my life, of blessing innumerable. Doubtful: of my own abilities, strengths, and influence in people's lives. Steadfast: to continue growing, to achieving my potential. Relinquishing: my fears, my boundaries, my encumbrances. Full: of love, of faith, and even a bit of fear. Empty: the feeling of nothingness, dried up, with nothing left to give. Alone: sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out here on a limb all by myself, completely devoid of anything in life. Surrounded: by friends who give me a swift kick in the ass when I need it, people who care, and dare I say angels watching over me? Trusting: my gut instincts, advice from people who care. Fearful: of failure, of losing myself. Wondering: what tomorrow holds, why people care so much. Conflicted: by such a wide range of emotions, highs and lows, brick walls and smooth sailing along the highways and byways of life. Absolute: that I have within me everything I'll ever need. Complacent: about making the moves, about myself, about life. Active: in seeking opportunities to grow into the person I know I am destined to become. Believing: that tomorrow isn't promised to me, but if it comes, that I'll make it the best I possibly can, that I will be the best I can possibly be and that I AM something to someone.

Here's my confession: That's a very heavy list. Indeed, there are many things on my plate. I know that I'm not going to just wake up one morning and find all my problems have abandoned me during my rest. Instead, trials will come, and they will go. I will grow. I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt that I am blessed with wonderful people, things and situations. Life is sometimes a bumpy road, so I'm just going to buckle my seatbelt and enjoy the ride.

GRATITUDE REFLECTIONS 05.24.09

It has been a couple of weeks since my last posting. I actually started writing a gratitude blog last week and never finished it. So, it’s time to get back into the swing of things and start posting more frequently.

Since I last wrote, I’ve had some wonderful experiences. Last week, I went on a short vacation with two of my friends from my Men’s Chorus. Robert, Barrett and I traveled to Asheville, NC to visit the Biltmore Estate and spent a day in Pigeon Forge, TN. I have to admit this was one of the most fun trips I’ve had and really enjoyed bonding with these men. I’m grateful for friendships like these which have somehow found their way into my life over the last year.

There’s been a lot on my mind these couple of weeks. Thoughts about where I am financially, wondering when this house is going to sell, trying to balance friendships, learning more about myself, trying in so many ways to better myself, to learn new things. The greatest lesson I’ve learned over the last few months of my life is that while I may often feel like I’m alone, I am not. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life who continually remind me of this fact.

I’m single again. Lane and I have been working towards making the transition to being just friends. At times it’s been frustrating, but I think we’re doing ok. While I know that I unintentionally hurt Lane, the truth of the matter is that I’m grateful for the many lessons I learned from our time as a couple, and I hope he will soon be able to look back and say the same thing.

I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, I’m grateful for the innumerable blessings that are part of my life. I do have so very much in my life. I have a place to call home, my health, people who continue to love me in spite of myself. I have friends who are there to push me to go that extra step, to make one more climb up the mountain and continually remind me of where I’ve been, where I am, and perhaps, more importantly, where I’m headed.

I’ve thought a lot in the last few days about my family of origin. While I feel like I’m really just an outsider now, I’m grateful for the person they’ve enabled me to be, the values they tried to instill in me, and that I’ve been able to make, what I hope, are good choices in my life.

Here’s my confession: In the stillness of this evening I pause again to reflect on the goodness that is in my life, trying not to allow the negative things to cloud the positive. Where I am today is light years away from anything I could have ever imagined a year ago. Sometimes my gratitude probably comes across as being too sappy to some people, but I feel like it’s important to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me, and not just take it for granted.

I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to learn, things I hope to accomplish. I’m grateful for the broken road that has led me to the place I am today, to be the person I am today and to be able to have hopes and dreams. I’m grateful for this blog which allows me to share a bit of myself with you. I’m grateful for those of you who take time to read and especially for those of you who take the time to comment.

I’m grateful for so many wonderful things…

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY or SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A MOTHERLESS CHILD

Today is the day we set aside to celebrate mothers. I haven’t seen my mother in three years and have only spoken to her once since then. If you’ve followed my blog, you’ve no doubt read of the many times I’ve tried to reach out to no avail.

I grew up as an only child. I cannot even fathom what it would be like to have a sibling. Furthermore, I grew up with a mother who really didn’t know what to do with me. I think I was a good child, didn’t get in trouble at school, I did a good job of keeping the house cleaned. But, as far as a relationship with my mother goes, I can only recall a small window of time—less than eight years--when we were even remotely close, and this was from the time of my coming out until the beginning of my relationship with Parker. She was, up to that point, very supportive, but something, somewhere along the way, changed.

My “mothering” came mostly from my grandmother and my Aunt Jean, with a little bit from my Aunt Vivian. My grandmother and Vivian are both deceased now, and, well, my relationship with my Aunt Jean hasn’t been quite the same since my coming out. Jean and I have, however, had a bit more correspondence over the last year.

So, how does one pay homage to a mother who is, for all practical purposes, non-existent in one’s life? How does one reach out to the unreachable? Some of my friends have, in the past, thought me callous and cold in the way I’ve dealt with my mother. Yet, as time has passed, they’ve seen how I’ve reached out with cards and letters and have received nothing in return. Finally, one friend in particular, Truvy, says that she thinks I’ve done everything in my power to reach out. The ball is no longer in my court.

Here’s my confession: If I’m being completely honest, today is just another day. There’s nothing whatsoever special about it. But, here goes: Happy Mother’s Day, Mother. I hope that whatever you are doing today, that God has mercy on you, and blesses you and watches over you. I hope that someday you’ll be able to know how your little boy has grown into a man who has many wonderful people in his life. Sometimes I do feel like a motherless child, but I’m proud of who I am. And, while I know you’ll probably never read this, I hope you know that there’s hardly a week that goes by in which I don’t think about you. Happy Mother’s Day and may peace attend your spirit.

GRATITUDE 05.09.09

I am most grateful this week for a successful concert Thursday night with the gay men’s chorus. I’m so proud to be part of such an amazing group of men, and even more proud to serve them as President and member of the Board of Directors. Our concert was very well attended and the after-party was a blast!

The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. Relationship issues, work stress, and financial woes have added to my stresses. Fortunately, I have people in my life who love me and support me in spite of myself. Everything eventually works out the way it is supposed to, and I try to focus my attention on just being present in the here and now and let everything else go. That’s certainly easier said than done, but still, I try.

I lie here tonight surrounded by my two best feline friends tonight. They probably don’t know just how much I love them, and how much joy they bring to my life. I’m reminded at how the most simple of things in life are often the most important.

Here’s my confession: The last few weeks, it has been difficult to be grateful. I’ve been too tired most of the time to even give a damn about life. The important thing for me to remember is that I’m surrounded by so much more good in my life than bad. My friends are my family. I still have a lot of things to learn about life, about myself and about things in general, but each day I live I have another chance to grow. I’m so grateful for the gifts this life continues to afford me, whether I’m happy or sad or somewhere in between. I’m never alone…and that’s worth more than just about anything in the entire world!

BRICK WALLS

I’ve been blogging about all the changes in my life for 20 months now. There have definitely been peaks and valleys along the way. Sometimes I’m going along and things are just going very well, then, out of the blue I hit a brick wall. I feel like every single bit of energy has been zapped from me, all the progress is seemingly suddenly undone. It’s frustrating. It’s depressing. Yet, at the same time, it is very necessary. Growth happens in spurts. The growth, I suppose wouldn’t mean as much if it were just on going, blissful, and uninterrupted. That’s life. And, as one of the television commercials says for an insurance company “Life comes at you fast.”

I spent most of last week feeling like I’d hit a brick wall. Life, most definitely, had come at me fast. I was deeply depressed, tired, scared, fearful, and didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what was going on in my life. There were moments I felt like I wasn’t even present in my own body. It seemed at every turn there was some hidden surprise just waiting to jump out at me—bad news about my fairly new tires for my car, a stressful week of work, difficult choir rehearsals and personal struggles all came to a head all in that one week. BOOM! Brick wall. No warning. It was just there. And I plowed into it with all my might!

This week is still a bit stressful, but things seem to be smoothing out. I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’m tired of struggling. And I’m tired of feeling like I’ve made two steps forward, two miles back. It’s all just part of the process.

Here’s my confession: I’ve gotten away from myself. I’ve lost a bit of myself. I have to make a concerted effort to forge ahead. I have to get back into reading “The Feeling Good Handbook”, “The Power of Now” and taking care of myself…making sure that I am true to my happiness, my needs, my wants, and don’t compromise for anything. Life is good. Life is damn good. I’ve made a lot of progress since that first posting some 20 months ago, but I don’t think this is where the road ends. I believe that as long as there is breath flowing through my body, as long as there is oxygen flowing through my brain, that I have the opportunity to continue to grow and become. I have wonderful people in my life who care for me and love me unconditionally. But most importantly, I have myself, and yes, I do love myself. And, really, isn’t that where it all starts? Tomorrow has enough of its own worries. Today--that's the gift I have, and today is where I have to live!

GRATITUDE 05.01.09

This has been an incredibly surreal week for me. When I say surreal I mean there were moments I felt incredibly detached from my body. Part of it was related to some new medication I had begun taking late last week and part of it was related to stress I’ve been experiencing in my life lately.

Despite stresses in my life, I am grateful for the friends who have been there to support me by sharing their love and expressions of friendship with me. I’m grateful for the good that is in my life. This week has provided me with many moments where I wanted to just throw up my hands and give up, throw in the towel. It is imperative that I focus on the positive rather than allow myself to dwell on the negative. I’ve caught glimpses of the “old” me in the last week.

Here’s my confession: I’ve not really been myself this week. It’s been a battle to stay happy, to not be depressed. It’s been a battle to get out of bed and do what needs doing each day. But, I know that even on my worst day, I have been given so much more than many, and for that I’m truly, incredibly grateful.

CONSIDER THE LILIES

“Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” The Gospel of Matthew 6:25-34

This has to be one of the most reassuring passages of scripture and contains lessons we should take to heart, especially in these trying economic and personal times. It’s been something I’ve really been trying to implement in my life over the last year or so. On Sunday, I didn’t had the off from playing for church, so I visited Lane’s church, and it just so happens this was the Gospel reading for the day. It has resonated even more within me this week, as I’ve struggled to deal with my own personal issues, fears, frustrations and insecurities.

One of the most powerful books I’ve ever read is Eckert Tolle’s “The Power of Now”. This scriptural passage is essentially what the entire book is all about. It’s about living in the present—the now, which is, essentially, all we have. It is so easy to loose sight of that when there are thousands of little things every day that are coming our way, weighing us down—how will we pay the bills? How secure are our jobs? What about the relationships in our lives?

To think that there is a Supreme source out there who cares for us more than the lilies of the field is an incredible, mind-blowing concept to grasp. It’s so simple in theory, so difficult to accept, to process.

Here’s my confession: I have lots of fears these days, and am battling anxiety like I haven’t in quite some time. I’m trying to remind myself to “consider the lilies”…to not sweat the small stuff. I struggle with what I truly believe spiritually. I struggle with worries about finances, relationships, and it seems there are always more questions than answers. On top of all that, this week has found me being exhausted beyond my wildest imagination. The lilies. They don’t toil or spin, and yet, there’s not a king with more splendor than them. I just have to remember that!

GRATITUDE 04.24.09

What a week! Hectic, Stressful, Surreal, Tiresome. Those are just SOME of the words I could use to describe the week I just went through. Yet, I’ve survived.

I find myself, as do most of us, under a great amount of work stress these days, as the economy is in the tank, the pressure is on to keep my job, to prove what I’m worth. That’s so stressful and really challenges me to find new ways to work more efficiently and produce even more.

There were some exciting moments this week, as Lane and I attended the final Birmingham performance of “Wicked” on Sunday evening and on Wednesday evening, we, along with about a dozen of our friends, sat together and laughed as we attended “Dixie’s Tupperware Party”. These diversions provided a lot of much needed stress relief.

Parker called me on Tuesday to tell me that he needed to bring back the two of our cats who have been living with him and Richard. As stressful as the thought of that sounded to me, I’ve adjusted much better than I thought I would, and so have all the members of my feline family.

Here’s my confession: I could focus on lots of negative things this week. I could focus on the stress, the anxieties, the fears, the frustrations that are my constant companions of late. However, the truth of the matter is that I know in spite of it all, I’m truly blessed. I have so very many people who truly love me. Even when I feel completely alone, I’m not. I’m surrounded by so many friends. I suppose it is the love and support of my dear friends that have kept me from losing my mind. Tonight, I am lying in bed typing this while my special kitty is sleeping beside me. I think of how simple his life must be. I think of how I wish I could achieve that type of simplicity.

THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS...

Today was, for the most part, a pretty good day, considering how difficult the rest of the week has been. Thanks to a dear confidant of mine, I’ve seen things in a much brighter light today. My spirit, though admittedly still rather heavy, is lighter and more at ease.

Tonight found me among friends being entertained by Dixie Longate and her Tupperware party at a local theater. It was good to just laugh and relax for an evening.

I know that in so very many ways my life is so beyond richly blessed. I’ve been overwhelmed with so much the last few weeks and months. I’ve hit some brick walls, and I’ve come against the speed bumps. I’ve had lots of questions, lots of fear, and lots of soul searching to do. I think I’m calming down and am starting to see things much more clearly.

Here’s my confession: Life is not always easy, and it seems like sometimes it’s all too easy to take life too seriously. I’m guilty. I have decisions to make. I have directions to follow. I have my heart to which I must be true. And, while, in many moments, especially lately, I’ve felt alone, even in the midst of my friends, I know that I’m highly blessed. And you know, this struggle I face daily, this “drama”, that this, too, shall pass. It always does.

MAKING LEMONADE

It’s been one of those weeks already and it’s only Tuesday. There’s so much pressure at work right now, so much as I work to change my work habits and be a more productive employee. Along with other pressures going on in life…Parker calls me tonight on my way to men’s chorus to ask me a favor—could he bring his two cats back to our house while he and Richard, his boyfriend, are trying to sell Richard’s condo. What am I to say? He feels bad about adding the stress to me…but our options are limited. So, now I’m the crazy cat man. Four cats. One who hasn’t liked me since the day we drove to Memphis to pick him up from the shelter, and another who doesn’t even realize I exist because she’s so hyper.

It’s just been a surreal week. There are so many things rambling around in my head, no time to stop and breathe. I’m tired. I’m stressed and in way over my head. It just seems that the powers of fate don’t always go the way we think they are going to go.
Here’s my confession: So, life has seemingly dumped an orchard full of lemons in my life….so I’m going to do all I can…I’m just going to make me some lemonade. Circumstances in life don’t always come as we plan…there’s often not a damn thing we can do about them. Just take them as they come and deal with them. That’s what I’m going to do. Lemonade, anyone? I’m about to make a fresh pitcher!

simplicity

It seems that no matter how hard I try to bring about simplicity in my life, complexity comes in and has to take over. Work is incredibly difficult, having a house on the market for ten months with zero nibbles, trying to balance an increasingly wonderful social life with enough down time for just me does not an easy task for me create.

I’m always on the run, always trying to learn something new, I’m always trying to improve and grow. Yet, it seems the more I try to take off my plate, the more that goes on my plate. It's always miles from here to there, then miles back.

I find myself often overwhelmed and underprepared. I find myself seeking a panacea or, at best, a solace from the storms of life. My panacea is not found in my piano nor does solace come completely in the wonderful friendships which have come my way over the last year.

Here’s my confession: Frustration is a constant companion, or so it seems. For, as I long to live a life of simplicity, there are so many road blocks prohibit my experiencing it fully. Simplicity—that ever elusive state of being, that state I long to experience fully is out there somewhere. I hope that one day simplicity will be mine. I’m ready to rid myself of the shackles that my daily life tend to bring.

GRATITUDE 4.18.2009

I pause tonight to remember that while there are so many things on my plate, that I am truly and completely blessed. I have so much for which to be grateful—friends who are my “family”, a job—at a time when many do not. I’m growing as a musician, as a person and as an individual.

There have been many days lately when I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall—where I feel like I’ve hit a plateau in my personal growth. I get so frustrated because I don’t know what I want, where I’m going and simply feel exhausted with life. I have to remind myself that the growth happens during the journey—and the journey doesn’t always move at the pace I would like. I’m grateful for the journey, because as I look back, I see just how far I’ve come, but am thankful for the growth yet to come.

I am grateful tonight for the wonderful memories I have of my late grandmother. She left this life nine years ago yesterday. It seems like yesterday, and there is hardly a day or week in which I don’t remember the many positive impacts she had on my life. Were it not for her influence in my life, I can’t even begin to imagine where I would be today. I’m grateful for her, for the love she had for me, and believe, that while she is gone from this earthly life, she is very much alive in my heart.

Here’s my confession: My blog has been silent this week. There have been thousands of thoughts rolling around inside my head, much frustration, many fears, yet, a profound gratitude for the people who are in my life, the people who remind me that I have people who care about me, people who remind me of the many blessings I have and those who remind me to not sweat the small stuff. No matter the frustrations I have, no matter the fears. Life is good, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

EASTER GRATITUDE 04.12.09

I begin tonight’s blog with gratitude for the sound of the thunder and rain outside. I love rain. A grey day is a great day to me, so much so that I actually prefer it to a sunny day. And there’s just something about the sound of the rain hitting the windows that is soothing, relaxing.

The last week of my life has been one filled with lots of emotions, lots of confusion, stress, questions and fears. It’s also been one of reassurances, friendship and understanding. As I step back and look at my life, I have to admit, it’s pretty damn good. I an blessed to have wonderful people in my life who care about me, I have a comfortable place to lay my head at night, I haven’t missed a meal lately. I have talents, I have my health and, truly, so much good in my life that to even contemplate the negative seems irrational.

I am grateful for the rewarding experience and opportunity of accompanying the church choir and congregation this week as we celebrated Holy Week. I am grateful for those who shared their gratitude with me for a song I sang or something I played that added more meaning to their Holy Week. I’m grateful for the time I had to spend with friends this afternoon celebrating both Easter and the birthday of a mutual friend. I’m grateful for those who encourage me each and every day with your little words, your actions and mostly your love. I’m at a place in my life right now where I’m truly seeking direction and not a day goes by in which I am not constantly reminded of the blessings I have in my life—of friendships that are so close, so dear.

Here’s my confession: I’ve been feeling a bit lost lately…a bit out of touch with myself, my life, my world. Yet, even in the midst of this inner confusion, turmoil, and fears, there is great solace that comes to me from the encouraging words of my friends. There’s great comfort in knowing that regardless of the road I’m walking, I’m not walking it alone, and the assurance that I’ll never have to walk it alone. I am most grateful for love; for it is love that gets me though each day. It is love that abides when all else fails. Just like the rain falling outside my window tonight will bring about growth to the vegetation, it is the love in my life that brings about growth and helps me to be the very best me that I can possibly be.

GOOD FRIDAY REFLECTIONS

I sat through the Good Friday service at church tonight, while I was a participant in the service, and while I’ve sat through virtually the same service for a decade, I decided to see if there was anything new I could glean from the evening. It’s the same liturgy each year, practically the same readings, perhaps told a little differently, depending on the gospel from which it comes.

So I listened as the Gospel was read and wondered what it would have been like to truly have been there. I mean did this stuff really happen or is it just a bunch of hooey? I suppose that is why it is the Easter Mystery. Think of it…God sends down his “son” to be the Savior of the World? Um, yeah…that’s easy to comprehend. Sign me up. Then there are all the parallels the Gospel writer goes to in attempt to bridge the gap between the Old Testament and the New Testament.

The most striking thing to me is that we—meaning those of us in the Western word, fancy our beautiful white bread Jesus on the crucifix. But, if we want to really take literally the words of the Bible, Jesus was not attractive. He was a man acquainted with infirmities. The type of person one turns their heads from? That doesn’t sound like the handsome white Jesus on the crucifix about the altar at my church.

The truth of the matter is that yes, while I do believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, and his teachings a valid, that there is so much more to it than meets the eye. There is no possible way that we can comprehend absolute mystery of our faith. My Catholic faith is certainly steeped in tradition and ritual. That doesn’t mean I believe that everything happened “just so.” I think there are an awful lot of grey areas we’ll never understand in the Earthly realm.

The one thing that I do love about Good Friday is the General Intercessions touch on praying for everyone from the Pope. There are prayers for the local Bishop, the priests, those who are Jewish, those who don’t believe in God, local and national political leaders, etc. I like the inclusiveness there. How many Baptist churches met tonight to pray for the Catholic Church down the street?

Here’s my confession: I honestly expected just another ho-hum, run of the mill Good Friday service. Yet, I walked away with lots of thoughts. I walked away questioning more fully, and perhaps even respecting my faith. Was there anything new? Nothing noteworthy. But, even with nothing noteworthy, it was an insightful service. God became man. God died. God lives again. Pretty amazing stuff. Some of it does make me want to tear my faith apart and make some sense of it. But, what’s the use. God is Love. And I don’t personally believe that God is a Christian God, a Catholic God, or what have you. What God IS---IS love. And love, well, isn’t that the central message of the Gospel? Isn’t love the whole meaning of Good Friday?

LENTEN REFLECTIONS 2009

Today is Holy Thursday, the day which, at least in the Catholic tradition begins the Easter Triduum. As this year's Lenten journey winds down, I reflect on the events in my life since Ash Wednesday. Am I a different person? How has my spiritual walk changed? How have I grown?

The truth of the matter is that this has been the fastest moving Lent I can recall. I can't even say that I gave up anything tangible for Lent. What I can say is that I've spent a lot of time evaluating my faith, my beliefs, my walk. I've written this many time before—I call myself a Catholic, I work for a Catholic church, have done all the "Catholic" things—and have actually been Catholic longer than I've been an official part of any faith tradition. But, do my beliefs fully align with the teachings of my Catholic faith? No. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe God is love? Yes. Do I find merit in other faith traditions such as Buddhism, Judaism, Hinduism? Absolutely.

Here’s my confession: While Lent is a time we typically set aside to grow as Christians, well, I've missed the mark this Lenten season. In reality, I've grown more in my awareness of other spiritual traditions, both Christian and other practices. You see, there are just so many parallels between the various world religions; it's hard to say that just one of them has it right. Faith is a very important aspect of my life. I can’t imagine not living a life of faith, but simply living a life of faith is not easy.

WORDS…OR AT A LOSS THEREOF..

I’m sitting here, an expressionless, wordless fool. I don’t have the words to tap into the emotions deep within. I feel like a tornado’s happening in my brain…with all the questions, thoughts and fears colliding. It’s like I’m in a swirling vortex leading to a downward spiral of absolute nothingness.

It’s the thoughts of relationships, thoughts of friendships, thoughts of financial pressures. There are no answers, only theories. I’m trying to live in the Now, but with all the stuff that comes my way each and every day I’m exhausted—mentally, physically and, most importantly emotionally.

I’m at a place in my life where I am absolutely amazed at how far I’ve come, how many relationships I’ve cultivated, yet, I have to wonder if I am any happier than at any other point in my life. I have to wonder what the hell it’s all about. I have to wonder WHY I don’t feel the slightest bit of peace, why I’m so uptight about everything, why I allow the small stuff to rule my day.

Here’s my confession: I’m frustrated beyond words. This blog is not one of my better ones, but the one thing it is—or at least touches on—is an honesty with myself. It takes me to a place I never want to be—that place where vulnerability is in control. One day, one day soon, I’ll figure out why the weight of the world is on my shoulders, why I can’t find the peace I so desperately seek. Were it not for my incredible friendships, I couldn’t have traveled this road. I couldn’t have possibly made the progress. One day, I’ll look back and laugh, then move right along with life. Peace..it seems every elusive, but at this very down moment I would settle for contentment.

GRATITUDE FOR WEEK OF 04.03.09

As I pause for a few moments to contemplate my many reasons for gratitude over the last week, I am especially grateful for the loving friends that are such an important life. Some of my friends have been part of my life since high school or college days, some are new arrivals. ALL are meaningful. It’s so amazing to me how the right people come into our lives at just the right time of our lives.

The last few weeks have been so incredibly busy and stressful for me with so many rehearsals in preparation for Easter at church, the upcoming concert with the gay men’s chorus and on top of all of that, increased pressures at work. I approach it all with the resolve that I have the musical abilities to participate in these activities, and I just have to force myself to play an absolutely new game at work. It’s not a choice. I have to be my own best cheerleader.

I’m grateful for the home I have, the car I drive, the pets who love me and for the friendships with which I’m so incredibly blessed. I’m grateful, knowing that not every thing or every day is going to go the way I want it to go. What I do know is that as long as I am giving my best, then there’s truly nothing more I can ask.

I’m grateful and amazed as I take a glimpse at just how far I’ve come as an individual over the last nearly two years of life. There have been so many changes in my life over that time. And, truly, while many of the changes have been painful in one way or another, each situation as contributed to my greater good!

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the answers which remain hidden in my life. I’m grateful for NOW, for that’s the only time I am promised. Each new day brings challenges and beauty into my life, questions I’m afraid to conquer, and tons of opportunities for personal and professional growth. I’m grateful for, indeed, life is good.

A LONG WAY TO GO

If I’m being completely honest, there are times that I want to stand on the top of a mountain and yell obscenities. There are times, this being one of them, that I just am so stressed, so lacking focus, so unclear in the direction I’m heading that I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. The truth is, I’ve come too far to stop now. Stopping right now would be a ridiculous thing for me to do. Stopping right now would put back so far. I’ve come so far on my personal journey, but yet I know that I have so, so, so far to go.

Tears are something that don’t come easily for me. Yet, were I able to produce tears tonight, I’d be a sobbing mess. I’m that stressed—with just about every aspect of my life. There are so many unanswered questions in my life. The are so many things about myself that frustrate me beyond my ability to express. There are so many things that just drive me nuts.

I long for solitude, but even when I’m in complete solitude, I’m not alone. I usually have at least one or two electronic devices near me at all times, so I’m never more than a text or facebook message away from anyone with whom I’m in regular contact.

Here’s my confession: There are absolutely so much complexities I don’t understand about myself, about my wants, my fears, my very nature that I don’t know that I’ll ever scratch the surface. I’ve caught a glimpse of peace. I’ve caught a glimpse of happiness, and yet I feel like I’m just this screwed up thirty-something who doesn’t have a damn clue what he wants in life. I just want to scream. It’s been a long week already and I’m just so tired from the struggles. I’ve come so far on this journey…but there’s still so much farther to go. I have people in my life who genuinely love me…some of whom I don’t even know how to return the love they give. My writing is so incoherent because I’m so frustrated with myself right now. There’s so many things I want to do, so much I want to experience, but there are limitations—limitations I’ve accepted as an everyday fact of life. I’m trying so hard to focus on living in the now, but I don’t know that there is an absolutely more difficult thing for one to do.

NEVER ALONE

There’s a song by one of my favorite musicians, Jim Brickman, called “Never Alone”. The album version has vocals by Sara Evans and the radio version’s vocals were done by Lady Antebellum. As I was composing an email response to a friend tonight, the song came to mind, and I thought of how truly “never alone” I truly am.

Even when I’m alone, I’m blessed to have a great many friends on whom I could call at a moment’s notice and they would come running to my side. It’s such a different world for me than I’ve ever lived in before, and it’s a good thing.

I find myself stressed, scared and just seeking direction in my life. I find myself asking questions, wanting so much more from life, yet not even knowing how to begin to tap into the things I want in my life. I’m tired. Well, to be honest, I’m exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. And, while often I feel alone, I know that the truth is that I am not. I have a “family” surrounding me. That’s a good feeling. It brings a smile, peace.

Here’s my confession. I feel like I’m just wondering around like a dog chasing his tail most of the time. I get so frustrated by things in my life, different situations, and just feel like the problems will never find solutions and questions will never find their answers. But, somewhere, deep in my heart, I know that I am not alone. I know that I am blessed beyond all measure. What I really need to learn to do is to STOP. BREATHE. RELAX. TRUST. BELIVEVE. I’m not alone in this world, no matter how much it seems like I am.

CONTRADICTIONS OF MYSELF

I readily admit that I have many double standards, many contradictions of my own self. It’s really something which, of late, I’ve become aware. There’s no excuse other than insecurity—that one, my friends, will get you every time. And insecurity’s brother, jealousy is just as bad. Those “excuses” are about as lame as one can get, but they are true. I live by a different set of rules. It’s a struggle I face, an uphill battle I am fighting.

I have so many things going right in my life right now, so many friends who would, honestly, drop everything they are doing to come to my aid. I have a man who seemingly worships the very air I breathe. All is right in the world—or is it? No, it is not. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give up that last little bit of control. There’s that part of me that wants to be able to call the shots. And there’s an even bigger part of me that knows that’s all wrong.

Here’s my confession: I have no idea where my relationship is ultimately headed. I have no idea why I do a lot of the things that I do. What I do know is that I’m living a life of ups and downs, happiness and sadness. My only saving graces are that I’m open and upfront with Lane about my double standards, and he so understands—for whatever reason. I don’t deserve any more chances, but I’m so thankful for the ones I’ve been given. I’m tired of the conflict within my own self. I’m better than this. I’m frustrated. But, tomorrow is a new day.

GRATITUDE 03.29.09

I have many things for which to be grateful as I pause for reflection this week. The week started with difficult news this week at work. While many of the businesses in my particular industry are simply folding, my company took a step that, while shocking to many of us, is better than the alternative. It was announced that we will be required to take a mandatory ten day furlough. I still have a job. By taking a slight pay decrease, my furlough days will be paid.

Tuesday I had the awesome privilege and responsibility of providing the music for my late friend Helen’s funeral mass. It was an incredible celebration of her life—a life she lived to the fullest—I’d say even to the very last moment of her life, when she died in an automobile accident only one week and one day after her 89th birthday.

I’m grateful for such wonderful friendships. I say it, and I say it often, but I wouldn’t bother saying it if it weren’t true. The people in my life make my life immeasurably exciting to live. Sometimes, I just sit in awe when I think of the people who have come into my life in these last few months. With many of them, the friendships are such a bond that it seems we’ve been friends for years and years.

I’m grateful for memories of the past, experiences in the present and hopes for the future. I’m grateful for glimpses of peace which continue to come into my life. I’ve a long way to go, but feel confident that I’m on the right path.

Here’s my confession: While I am often dissatisfied with my lot in life, the truth of the matter is that I have a wonderful roof over my head, I have friends who love me, I have many more things going positively in my life than negatively. I often have more questions than answers, and I’m learning that is not so much a bad thing. Often, it’s the memories we make along the way that mean the most to us in retrospect. I have a good life, despite the moment of doubt and fear that all too often creep into my life. I’m a work in progress, and it’s only through grace and gratitude that I’m able to find my way through each new day of life.

BALANCE

Finding balance. That's my new goal. In the last year of my life I've gone from being a virtual hermit to blossoming into a social butterfly; from being an extreme introvert to tapping into my more extroverted side. I've gone from having nothing to do to suddenly having lots to do. It's all part of the growth process I've gone through, and I won't complain, because I have a far richer life today than I did a year ago.

The problem is that my life is out of balance. I'm constantly on the go. I'm going from rehearsal to rehearsal, dinner to dinner and added to all that the responsibilities of maintaining my home, caring for my cats and maintaining relationships. I must admit, I'm really not doing a very good job of balancing all the things on my plate. I try to please everyone in my life, try to accommodate all that is asked of me. While I've learned the art of saying "no" to some parts of my life, I haven't learned to do it so well in others. This causes conflict with people in my life and within my own self. Sometimes I want to just "be". Sometimes I want to just be able to sit down for hours on end and play the piano...to really hone my skill. Sometimes I do want to be with friends. Sometimes I want to be alone. I have to strike that magical balance between pleasing others and pausing to do the things that I need to do for me.

I have to learn that just because I'm not at every gathering of my friends, that the world isn't going to stop spinning, the friendships aren't going to disappear and that actually taking time for me—totally for me—is not selfish. Taking time to recharge, re-energize, to regroup is not a bad thing. In fact, it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself.

Here’s my confession: I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I grew up as an only child. And now, as I’ve discovered new areas of my life, developed new friendships, it’s difficult to break out of old habits and want to be with my friends all of the time. It’s a real struggle for me, because what I really, really want is a balance in all the areas of my life. I’m growing and learning to stop and take care of what matters. As a natural introvert, I have to take time away and just relax in the ways that will allow me to recharge. Balance will come soon.

THE JOURNEY OF 1001 DAYS BEGINS...

Today I have taken the first step on a journey which will take me 1001 days to complete. I’m taking part in a project my counselor told me about. It’s 101 things to do in 1001 days. 1001 days is roughly equivalent to 2.75 years. I’ve been pondering for several weeks now, trying to figure out what goes on my list of 101 things. As I begin this journey, the list is not complete, but since I’m about a quarter of the way to 101, I feel confident in starting the project, because I know that as I journey along, I’ll discover many important things that belong on the list. The purpose of the 1001 days is to better myself and to push myself to new heights and in new directions.

Some of the things on my list are deeply personal, things I’m not sure I’ll share, while others are very simple. All of them share a common goal: challenging myself to grow spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and personally. Among my challenges are learning some computer programs such as Excel and Garage Band, others involve reading spiritual books. My list will run a wide spectrum, and I’m very excited.

Here’s my confession: Beginning my journey today has a little bit of irony in it, in that 1001 days from today is December 18, 2011. December 18 is a very important day to me—not only because 18 is my favorite number, but because I finished college on December 18, 1997. One thing I really love about this blog is that those of you who are reading it are telling me how much it means to you—how much it inspires you to take stock of your own life. I hope that my 1001 day project will inspire you to create your list of 101 things you want to challenge yourself to do. As Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” That’s what the next 1001 days are going to be about for me.

GRATITUDE 03.20.09

It has been an extremely exhausting week on just about every level imaginable. Yet, with all that has been going on in my world, there are many thanks for which to express gratitude.

Work has been very stressful lately…which new ways of doing things, higher expectations, greater accountability. Yet, with all the changes, I’m still grateful to even have a job at all. So many people are not as fortunate.

On Wednesday of this week, I received the saddening news that my friend Helen, who just turned 89 a little over a week ago, was killed in an automobile accident. I’m grateful for the life she lived, the lessons she taught and the love she gave.

Here’s my confession: I have a lot of clutter in my mind. I’m grateful for a little bit of downtime to process what’s going on. Fatigue surely won’t last forever! Work will return to a much happier place. I am optimistic.

CONTEMPLATIONS IN DISCONTENTMENT

Discontented. Unmotivated. Restless. Anxious. Longing. Fearful. Exhausted. Contemplative. Frazzled. Disheartened. Discombobulated. Those words begin to scratch the surface of how I feel today, and, actually, how I've felt for several days. There's a longing, an almost primal need I have for answers, for peace, for contentment. My world has been spinning around for a while now. It seems I, myself, have been caught in some sort of vortex for months. I've been blessed with so many people coming in my life in recent months. I wouldn't change that for anything. But, at times, I feel so out of control. I feel like I'm just swirling around. Could it be that I'm really an introvert caught up in some extrovert's body?

I wrote earlier this week of my need for some down time. What I think I really need is just time for introspection, time to feel like I have my life back in control. I need to sit down and look at the big picture and do some long-range planning rather than just going day by day. To some people, it's a crazy little quirk of mine, but sometimes just cleaning my house and getting things organized is enough to calm me down. It's the important little things in life that I've been avoiding for so long-finances, the what-ifs of the house selling, the setting of goals, ambitions. STOPPING. Stopping long enough to catch a glimpse of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. It's taking an inventory of all the things that are important and putting them in a category. It's about finding some semblance of peace in this crazy world. It's about planning for tomorrow while still living for today.

Here's my confession: I just want to take a breath. I want to find balance between all the things in my life that really matter. The "things" that matter in my life aren't all things. They are the people who make my life so immeasurably exciting to live—serendipitous friendships that I never thought I'd have. Even still, there are things that are important in my life-creating and sticking to a budget, eliminating junk from my life—both material possessions and mental clutter—that bog me down. One day, in the not too distant future, I foresee myself being able to do just what I've described. It isn't an option, really, because if I don't stop and regroup, I fear undoing a great deal of the hard work I've done to get me where I am today.

IN PERSPECTIVE

Tonight, I received news that brought a lot of things into perspective to me. It taught me a very real lesson in fragility of life. Just before we began our choir practice tonight at church, we received news that one of the elderly members of our parish had passed away as the result of an automobile accident. She turned 89 just last week, was at church each Sunday and always enjoyed playing her versions of “Amazing Grace” and “He Touched Me” on the piano each week prior to mass. She was alive, right there with us on Sunday. And now, today, she’s been taken from us. Her memory wasn’t the sharpest—she would always tell the same story about how she had been playing music since she was 12 when the nuns taught her how to play the pump organ. I suppose she never remembered from week to week that she had shared the story before, but it never stopped her. She was always encouraging me.

I only met her about ten years ago. I recall her southern accent as she would read the scriptures as lector. Nobody on earth could possibly say “The Word of the Lord” quite like she could. She was a faithful member of the church, had a sincere love for her God, and was involved in the choir until just a few years ago. She was a Sacristan until just a couple of years ago. She was a widow lady who lived alone and, while in recent years, her body was in pain, she persevered and continued to just keep on, taking life in stride.

Here’s my confession: Perhaps I’ve learned a lesson from my late friend tonight. Life is fragile. Live each day to the fullest. Overcome your obstacles. Who knows if we’ll be here tomorrow? Those we expect to be with us forever might just be taken from us in the blink of a moment. There’s a bit of sadness that this fixture of my church family won’t be there anymore, but a bit of joy that she is no longer in pain and is at rest. The lesson to be learned here is to live like today is your last day on earth. It may very well be, or we could have decades left. No time is promised. All the more reason to embrace the gift of life each new day brings us.

A LITTLE DOWN TIME

This is proving to be a strange week for me. I’m finding it difficult to muster up the energy to be motivated to do anything. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends for so long. I feel completely and totally overwhelmed by just about everything around me, although, fortunately, not in a way that is out of control the way it may have been for me a year or so ago.

Maybe it’s because it’s spring break and those around me are not motivated to do anything; maybe it’s because I’m just an introvert who hasn’t had a lot of down time lately. Maybe it’s a combination of everything. What I know for certain is that I relish my down time, being alone, doing my own thing, and not having to be accountable to anyone but me.

I think of the friendships I’ve gained in the last year. I think of how special they are, how they keep me constantly on the go. I think of how I live in a much more remote part of the city than my closest friends. I think of how the economy is having a terrible effect on my bottom line. I think of how I have the greatest of intentions every weekend to just chillax, and how, more often than not, my plans get changed.

Here’s my confession: I’m tired. I’ve overwhelmed. I long for just a few days of nothingness. Just a few days when there are no obligations that must be met, no expectations, no schedule to keep. Those who know me well, know that to say I LOVE organization is putting it mildly. Nothing could be more cleansing to me than an entire weekend of having what my father calls a TSA (Throwing Shit (Stuff) Away) Party. It seems that never happens, but I can still dream. I’m just a little down right now, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m holding out hope that one day, in the not too distant future I’m going to get the down time I need to lift my spirit, to recharge my batteries focus my energies on living. Funny, how I might just need a little down time so that I am not so down...

HOW COULD I ASK FOR MORE?

I'm sitting back, looking at the richness of my life and think of all the wonderful people and things in my life, and I'm reminded of a contemporary Christian song written and made popular a number of years ago by Cindy Morgan, where she asks the question..."How Could I Ask For More?" I find myself asking this question today. With all the blessings that have come my way, how could I want for anything more than I already possess? How can I possibly be so selfish as to want anything more?

I have a job. I have a home, I have people who deeply, sincerely, honestly care about me and my well-being. I have dreams that have come true. Still, I want. I want my house to sell. I don't want it to sell tomorrow. I want it to sell yesterday. I want my savings account to be as healthy as it was two years ago. I want to nurture the friendships I already have with the wonderful people in my life. I want to move to a more convenient location so that I am not so far away from my friends. I want to freely accept love from others and freely return that love to them. I want to let go of my hang-ups, to be able to live in the moment. I want to be a leader. I want peace. As silly as it may sound, I even want to be a better dad to my cats.

I want to find the fullness of my faith. I want to know God. I want to embrace each day with joy, and in doing so, know that I am touching the lives of those people in my life. I want to wake up one morning, years and years from now, roll over and look at my partner and know that I've spent my life with the man I was supposed to send it with, that I haven't settled in the least. I want my parents to know that beyond the hurt is forgiveness on both our parts. I want, even crave, simplicity, even amidst the chaos which so often is this thing we call life.

Here's my confession: I know that I'm on the right track. There are going to be those inevitable days where I hit a brick fall and feel like I've reached the end of my growth process. I know that, while I may not fully know it at this moment in my life, that, like Dorothy Gayle from The Wizard of Oz, I already possess within me everything I'll ever need to make my hopes and dreams come to fruition. I just have to remind myself on those days when I feel like I've reached the end of my rope, to tie a knot, dust myself off and keep focused on the prize. Each day I live is a new opportunity to grow, to be the best self I can possibly be. It's easy to sit back and want more, but really, how can I when I know that today, at this moment in history, I have everything I'll ever need? What I really need is to just be patient, let go, and enjoy the ride. How can I ask for more?

GRATITUDE 03.14.09

The week behind me was a busy one. I had some sort of obligation or event every night for the entire last week. I actually thought tonight was going to be a night of rest, but ended up attending an event at the urging of friends.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain about my being so busy of late. I’ve been very active, and very blessed. There are so many rewarding things and people in my life now that were not a year ago. I’m constantly amazed at the road on which I’m traveling.

Despite my often inability to filter my thoughts before they travel out my mouth, and that I struggle in many areas of my life, I am aware of the love and respect that people have for me, I am aware of the growth taking place in my life and I’m humbled to look back at my yesterdays to see where I am today, and forward to the tomorrows.

The last two days have been very grey days, cloudy and rainy—perfect weather for me. I lie here tonight listening as the rain hits the rooftop of my house, or as it hits the window outside. I also lie here with two cats who look as though they’ve missed my presence and affection. They do give some.

Here’s my confession: Though I’ve had a busy week, a difficult week, I’m grateful because the week was full of so very many blessings, time with friends and personal epiphanies. Lane and I continue to move forward with our friendship and undefined relationship. One day at a time. One day at a time… I just remind myself daily of the blessings which are before me. Every little trial will find its solution.

WHY I SING

This blog is a slightly edited version of an article I wrote fro the MCCS Board of Director's Newsletter, and I'd like to share it with you.

I recall my fear walking into my first rehearsal with the Magic City Choral Society Men's Chorus last August. I walked through those doors not knowing a single solitary soul in the choir and was battling a bit of my own internal homophobia. I sat next to Barrett that first night who told me to not be afraid, that this would become the highlight of my week. He was right. After the second week of rehearsal, I felt more comfortable. After a month, I knew that I was at home and had, as cliché as it may sound, I had a “family”.

I possess a Bachelor of Arts degree in vocal music, have played piano in churches off an on since I was in high school, and have been in choirs since I began college. However, in these last few months I’ve learned more about—and had more fun with—choral music than all those years of college combined. Our Conductor has a patience that few conductors possess. I believe it is that patience that makes the chorus such a success. Regardless of where we are on our journey as musicians, none of us is made to feel inferior or superior. Dr. Joseph meets us where we are. We are one in purpose, one in spirit and one as a chorus.

At my very core, I’m an introvert. However, within my first few weeks in the chorus, I had begun building some of the most amazing friendships I’ve ever experienced. My involvement with this group has absolutely changed my life in ways words will never fully express. The Chorus has allowed my path to cross with people I would have never otherwise had the opportunity to interact. I’m more outgoing, more alive and certainly more at peace with myself than ever before.

I sing with the Magic City Choral Society because it is one of the things of which I’m most proud in my life. Together we are not simply a group of mostly gay men singing together, we are a family. We are a brotherhood uniting our voices and our lives. We share laughter and tears together, we work together and play together. One of my proudest moments was performing with my “brothers” in our Christmas 2008 concert. Looking out in the audience and seeing friends who had come to support me made me swell with pride.

The Magic City Choral Society has had an impact on my life that is almost inexplicable. It constantly challenges me as a musician, inspires me as a person and gives me hope for bright future for our city, our state, and our nation. We have a vital role to play this community and I’m so proud to be a part of that today and look forward to being a part of it for many years to come.

Here’s my confession: This group is my world. I am proud to serve the group. It has absolutely changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. My life has ups and downs, but more often than not, when I’m with my brothers, I’m absolutely at home and all is right with the world.

ELMINIATING THE CLUTTER AND MOVING ON

These days I’m really all about finding ways to eliminating the clutter from my life. I’ve always been a list maker…and right now I’m in the process of making my 101 things to do in 1001 days list. Seems like it might be an easy task to just sit down, write 101 things you want to accomplish in a little over 2.75 years…but it’s not that easy.

There are so many areas of my life I want to improve. I want to learn things. I want to do things. I want to give love, to receive love. I want to explore parts of myself I may not even know exist. I want to challenge myself to do things that I may never otherwise have the opportunity (or courage) to do. I want to create a life for myself that when I look back I can say I am proud to have lived. There are deeply personal things that I need to accomplish, there are skill sets I desperately want to learn and, most of all, I want to eliminate the unnecessary from my life, but not only that, but to add the necessary into my life.

So, over the last week or so I’ve begun my list of 101 things I want to accomplish in those 1001 days. It’s a far more difficult task than I could have ever anticipated. There are simple things I could add like “set aside time to blog every day” or “pray”, but larger, more time-consuming changes do take time and lot of effort. There are things, such as reconciling familial relationships that could be on the list, or to define the meanings of certain relationships in my life that could and should be done, or to let go of past hurts, to live each day fully present in the here and now.

Here’s my confession: Each day I live, I pause at some point to reflect on the things in my life for which I am most grateful. There are frustrating moments in my life when I don’t have the answers to the things that are rolling around in my head. But I realize more and more everyday that it’s ok to focus on me, to focus on creating the life that I want to live. Learning to live one single day at a time is absolutely one of the hardest tasks I could possibly add to my list. In so many ways I’m sitting here at a crossroads with the freedom to go in any direction I choose. I’m absolutely in the driver’s seat. I’m taking (honest, pure, CLEAN) suggestions for things I can do to vastly improve my quality of life over the 1001 days and beyond as I seek to grow.

GRATITUDE 03.08.09

GRATITUDE 03.08.09

My gratitude blog may be short this week, but it is no less filled with a tremendous amount of love and gratitude for the wonderful things that are happening in my life.

The week behind me was difficult—lots of stress at work, new ways of doing things. I’ve had to step things up and step out of a comfort zone. I’m grateful for a boss who is not only a boss, but a mentor and friend.

I’m grateful for the friendship that continues with Lane. It is what it is…and what it is…that is something we haven’t defined. What we know is that we are happy and are being open an honest and you can’t ask for much more than that.

I’m grateful for my first foray into party hosting. Last night I had a wonderful themed party “Steel Magnolias” with more than a dozen of my dear friends in attendance. The party went off without a hitch, though I can certainly take very little credit for its success, because so many people worked so hard to help me. I’m grateful for the dear friends who chose to spend this night with me.

Here’s my confession: In a week with lots of ups and downs, I remind myself that I’m blessed beyond measure. I have so many intangible blessings that I could never even begin to count them. Thank you for being a part of my life.

HONESTY, GRACE, TRUTH, AND PHILOS

So, how did Lane and I get from where we were three weeks ago to where we are today? How did we get from a place of pain and hurt, of brokenness, of utter failure to the place we are today—a place without labels, a place of peace, a place of contentment and a place of renewed friendship?

It’s a question we’ve asked ourselves dozens of times over the past few weeks. It’s a question that no doubt has been a buzz in our social circle. And, really, the only good answer is Honesty, Grace, Truth and Philos.

We learned that being honest about our feelings was far better than trying to hide those the truth in order to spare emotions, it took a great deal of grace on both our parts to allow healing, being true to ourselves and one another and a true Philos for one another. Mending hurt feelings is a bit of a daily chore for us. But, removing expectations, labels and being open with one another have truly done something beyond our wildest imaginations.

Here’s my confession: I’m content now. I was afraid of losing a friend, but I think a friendship has been made stronger. Lane and I are adults. We can choose what we do with our lives as works best for us. There’s no need to tie labels to things, there’s no pressure to be something we are or aren’t. Perhaps our friendship, relationship, what have you, is a bit unorthodox, but then again, all of my relationships with my exes are unorthodox. The important part is maintaining a level of happiness, keeping the lines of communication open and just being honest. Because the truth, in most all circumstances, will set you free!

IN SEARCH OF GOD

It is that time of year once again when we in the Christian tradition celebrate the season of Lent. Historically, it’s is a penitential time in which we give up something or take on something on to discipline us as we prepare for the sacred celebration of Easter. It is with those thoughts in mind that I write about my search for God.

Recently, I’ve found myself in search of God. You may find that difficult to believe, being that I went to a Christian college, I’m a church organist and I go to church every week, that I would be searching for God. Church should be the place I’d be likely to have an encounter with God, one would think. Yet, for me, that hasn’t so much been the case lately. I’m there, merely as a spectator, and can rarely remember what the homily is about.

But, for me it isn’t about the homilies. It isn’t about the pomp and circumstance, it isn’t about the doctrines, the rules by which we are taught to live. For me, it is about an encounter with GOD. It is about discovering God—experiencing God in a whole new way. It’s about experiencing God beyond all the ritual, all the man-made rules, just a true, unadulterated experience with my creator.

God, to me, is neither male nor female. God is certainly simpler than our mortal minds can comprehend, yet, at the same time, so complex that we could spend a millennia debating the topic and never even scratch the surface. God is. God is love, God is peace.

I don’t believe God gives a damn who I love, as long as I love. I don’t believe God is out to get me. I don’t think God wants me to live by a rigid set of rules. I do believe that God is concerned with even my most minor worry and is there to listen to me if I only ask. I believe that God is, simply, Love.

Here’s my confession. I’ve spent a lot of time this week examining my thoughts and feelings about God. I’ve spent a lot of time writing letters to God (that’s how I pray). I want this Lent to be a special spiritual time for me, but not just a spiritual time, a time in which I truly begin to break through those things which create barriers between me and the all-supreme God. I’m in a valley right now. Even as I write this, I know that God is near. God is present. However, God is intangible. Yet, I still search…throughout these days of Lenten journey and beyond. I will find God. I will experience God.

WHAT AM I DOING TO LIVE LIFE WITH PASSION, HEALTH AND ENERGY?

This is the last question in my series of six questions I found on a website about how to get more out of life.

I've often said that playing the piano is my greatest passion in life. It doesn't matter to me that I'm not the world's greatest pianist—I'll certainly never be a finalist in a Van Clibrun competition. I get enjoyment and find much passion from playing the piano and from sharing my art with others. I'm probably better than I give myself credit, but we are often our own worst critic. My other passion is the people in my life who provide so much enrichment to me. I am blessed beyond measure with relationships which bring to me so much laughter and joy. The relationships bring so much love to me—love unexpected.

I don't work out as often as I should. The wii fit balance board sits there next to the TV stand gathering dust. Oh, I have the best of intentions. I'm going to get up earlier and start working out each morning. However, the warm bed and a few more minutes of sleep always win out in the end. So, in a physical sense, I'm not doing a lot to keep myself healthy. Mentally, however, I'm working very hard to grow and overcome fears, frustrations and hang-ups. I do this by taking my medication and taking the advice of my counselor. I've come a long way in the last couple of years, but I must keep going. I am learning to set boundaries in my life, learning it's ok to say no and learning to let go of baggage. There's only so much you can do sometimes—and there comes the time you have to just accept things as they are and say "it is what it is." You get up, you dust yourself off and move on with life. That not only provides mental health, but also leads me into the next part of the question—energy. See, freeing myself up from the things that are holding me back mentally, emotionally and allowing the healing to come to me in that area of life frees up a tremendous amount of energy. When I reached the point of letting go of the things that are holding me back, I found valuable time, precious energy and happiness—a happiness found only in contentment with myself.

Here's my confession: These six questions have caused a lot of introspection for me. I hope they have caused a lot for you, my reader, as well. I've found most of them to be very difficult to write, simply because I didn't know exactly how to approach each of these topics. Yet, in writing them, I've found a tremendous amount of knowledge about myself. In writing them, I've let you into my life more deeply, while I've only scratched the surface. I'm on a road right now that is leading to lots of wonderful changes in my life. I'm on a road to discovery, to happiness and to freedom within. I have a magnet at my desk that says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about CREATING yourself." That's the road I'm on...the road that leads to creation of a better me—and, in turn, a better friend, a better servant, a better employee and a better human. Stay tuned. I have a feeling I'm just getting started.

AM I AS GOOD A PERSON AS I WANT TO BE?

Today a friend told me that people really do like me. It’s nice to have that reassurance, because I’ve never really felt like I actually make a difference in people’s lives, or that people really care.

I feel at times because of the division between my parents and me that I have failed as a son. However, while I know that although I’ve done some things to cause the division, I also know that I have reached out with cards and letters. Have I been as good a son as I want to be? No, I haven’t, but I’ve tried.

In other areas of my life, I try to be the kind of friend a friend would want to have. Sometimes, I’m certain I fail at that task miserably, but my friends are precious gifts to me. I feel it necessary to be there for them as much as I can, whether it is my physical presence or just a phone call, a chat online, I try to be available.

I work downtown, so I see people less fortunate than I am every single day. I work near a homeless shelter and have to pass in front of another homeless agency on my way to lunch or the bank. I’m often approached and asked for change, money, etc. And, no, I don’t give. At times I feel like a cold hearted person, wondering how I would feel were I in that person’s situation. I wonder, what IF that really was Christ appearing to me? But still, I go on. I go on as if they never approached me. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. I think it makes me human.

Here’s my confession: I strive to be a good person. I believe that we all do. I don’t think most people set out to be “bad”, but I think that we all fall short of the goals we have to be as good as we wish we were. I, myself, hate conflict. I don’t deal with it well at all. I don’t like the fact that my parents and I do not have a relationship. I don’t like that sometimes I say things before I think them through. I don’t like thinking that something I’ve done has caused another person pain. But, I believe that while we all have room for improvement in all areas of our lives, that I am the best me today that I know how to be. And, as long as I continue to strive to be that person, that friend, that son that I know I should be, I’m truly being as good a person as I want to be.

GRATITUDE 2.27.09

I take a break today from the series of questions I’ve been pondering this week to once again get in the habit of my gratitude reflections. It’s nice to take a breather every once in a while just to pause for introspection. What a wonderful life I have. It’s not a perfect life. I struggle to make ends meet, with insecurities, fears, and doubts. I am human. I often fail, procrastinate and don’t always do the things I need to do. I take people and things for granted. It’s just part of life. I am truly aware that my worst day is always better than someone else’s best day, and for that I have a heart filled with gratitude.

As I look back over the week, I am grateful for the kind words of church people who told me how much my music means to them. I’m grateful for moments spent with friends who mean so much to me. I’m grateful for my health, my pets, and my job. I’m thankful that I had enough food to eat this week, and then when I did miss a meal, it wasn’t because I couldn’t afford to eat. I’m grateful to live in a country where I’m free to be myself, where I’m free to express myself.

I get so frustrated sometimes because it seems the economy is never going to improve, that my house is never going to sell and that I’m always going to be in this state of being to which I’ve grown so accustomed. However, when I really pause to be honest with myself and think long and hard about it—I have a roof over my head. I’m not sleeping out in the rain tonight. I live an abundant life and don’t even realize it.

Here’s my confession: The overwhelming theme of my life over the last year has been change and growth. Had someone told me one year ago that I’d be where I am on the journey today, I’m not so certain I’d have believed them. I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve won far more than I’ve lost. So, six months or a year from now, I imagine I’ll be writing another gratitude blog in which I’m commenting about just how much more I’ve grown, what new experiences and people will have come into my life. I’m learning to be grateful for the moment in which I live, and look forward to the hopes of brighter, even more blessed tomorrows.

WHAT AM I DOING TO HELP OTHERS?

This is a difficult question for me to answer, because, quiet honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing to help others. I try to be a good friend. As I said in yesterday’s posting, I hope that my music helps others. Besides my involvement in church music and singing in the Choral society, I don’t think I have much of an impact in helping others.

I write my blog in the hopes that my life experiences will touch the lives of my readers—that my reflections of gratitude may cause my readers to reflect on their own blessings.

I try to treat my friends and family of choice with love and respect, to listen to them, to be there for them when they need me. I serve my brothers in the men’s chorus as their president and representative to our board of directors, in an attempt to make our chorus better.

Being fascinated with death, I’ve often thought of volunteering with a hospice organization. While this isn’t something I am actually doing now, it is something I would like to do to help others.

Here’s my confession: This has been a blog I’ve had to think about a lot, and haven’t really come up with a great many answers. I suppose that many of us help others in ways we may never know, and I hope that case is true for me. Relationships are important to me, and knowing that I am there for the people in my life is a responsibility I don’t take lightly. If I can lend an ear, bring a laugh or just brighten someone’s day just by my being there, I will be satisfied that I have accomplished my mission. Perhaps this topic gives me something to think about as the season of Lent begins: What can I do to help others? What can I do to improve the lives of those around me?

AM I DOING SOMETHING THAT MATTERS?

I think if we are all honest, we want to know that when we leave this world that we will have left a positive mark on the planet—that we will be remembered for doing good, for touching lives in a very positive way. We want to live lives so that when we die the speaker(s) at our funerals won't have to lie about us just to speak well of the dead.

Am I doing something that matters? What a question! Where to begin? I know I'm doing something that matters when, after mass, a parishioner I don't even know, or a visitor, comes up to me to tell me just how much they enjoyed the music—or how much my prelude touched them. That's my goal each week, of course—to touch lives through my music. I know I'm doing something that matters when church choir members thank me for what I'm doing. I know I'm doing what I love and love what I'm doing.

I know that singing with the Magic City Choral Society matters. It matters to me socially, musically and even on a spiritual/emotional level. Singing with this group of gay men makes me proud, and makes a difference in our community—regardless of the color of our skin, our sexual orientations, the side of town where we live, what kind of work we do, how much money we have in our bank accounts. It makes a difference because music is our common denominator. It is something that matters because, on so many levels, our voices are heard. We are a witness to the world in which we live of the diversity of our community. The music we make, the voices we unite, are greater than that which divides us, both within our own gay community and the community at large.

Here's my confession: Most of my days seem rather mundane, and it's hard to believe that my day to day life makes a difference. I get up, go to my job, do the things I need to do and then do it again, day after day. Yet, I have to believe that what I do touches people's lives. I have to believe that I do make a difference in the lives of friends who entrust to me their secrets, their devotion, their love. I have to believe that what I do does matter to the generations of gay people who will come after me, just as those who have paved the way for my generation have done. While the things I do may be minimal, I have to believe that in some way, somehow, everything I do will matter in the life of someone else. Maybe it's just a smile, or a kind word or a simple note. My life has meaning and what I do with my life matters. I don't know how many tomorrows there are for me, but it is my hope that each day counts, that I find a way to live each day to its fullest, that I will be remembered as someone who truly mattered.

AM I PURSUING MY DREAM, OR IS FEAR STOPPING ME?

In many ways I am truly pursuing my dream. One dream I had as a child was to be a church musician. I would always sit with awe and watch the pianist or organist play when I'd go to church with my grandmother. So, when the opportunity came my way to become an accompanist myself, I seized that opportunity. I'm far from the world's greatest musician, I make mistakes, but I enjoy what I'm doing and it provides me much needed additional income.

Also as a child, my dream was to be a school teacher. I was playing school with my cousins as a teenager—way longer than I should have been "playing school". While in college, I began as a Music Education major. After a few education courses, I knew that teaching was not something that was going to come easily to me, so I made the decision to pursue the Bachelor of Arts in Music. Still, over the years, I've thought of perhaps opening my own music studio, but the dream isn't so overpowering that it is the only thing on my mind.

I suppose the dream of which I've thought the most is going to graduate school. I honestly don't know what I'd study, but I would like, for my own edification, my own self-esteem, to have a Master's degree in something. Furthermore, I'd like to add the word Dr. to the front of my name and the initials Ph.D to the end of my name. This dream is where the fear and finances holds me back. First, I don't have a clear definition of what I want to study, what I would do with the degree once I attain it, or even how I would pay for it. I've never been the type who can take a blind leap of faith.

I've sat at the same job for nearly 11 years of my life. Is it my dream? No. It’s a means to an end. It pays the bills. It’s increasingly hard work in an increasingly hard economy and industry. I’ve learned a great many skills and had a great many wonderful professional experiences and friendships, but a dream it is not. Yet, every single day I think that I’m so incredibly blessed to work for a company who cares about me and has given me opportunities to grow.

Here’s my confession: I’ve a long way to travel before reaching my dreams, Many silent dreams and prayers have truly been peaceful. Each new day is full wonderful new beginnings. Lots of things serve as road blocks or directional arrows for me. Peace and contentment are just around the corner. So, I will continue to see where those arrows point me, dream the dreams and follow my heart, for that is the only way to travel in this life. Without a vision, says the Bible, the people perish. And, so, I dream of a vision...