GRATITUDE 05.28.10

GRATITUDE 05.28.10

What an amazing week! I am grateful for a week in which, on the whole, I experienced much inner peace. It’s been a long time since I felt this good about life. It’s been a long time since I experienced this amazing sense of joy. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually given serious thought to my goals for the future.

I’m grateful for the experiences this week that brought me such joy. The Men’s Chorus recorded our CD project this week. It was a tiring, trying, and extremely exciting experience. I’m grateful for the role music plays in my life, for the joy it brings to me, the ability I have to share this gift with others through my vocal abilities and through my instrumental abilities. I hope to continue growing as a musician, that I never grow weary of my first love.

I’m grateful for answered prayers. I’m grateful for the spiritual experiences that have been so wonderful this week. I have attended daily mass three days this week. This is a new experience for me, and I’m just trusting God to guide me.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the hope, the peace and the joy in my life. I truly feel like things are just moving in the right direction for the first time in a very long time. I’m grateful for those who have said prayers for me. I’m grateful for words of encouragement and for the solid friends I have. In this journey, friends make the journey so much more amazing. I know that there’s a plan out there, somewhere, and one day I’ll find it. I’m learning that patience can be a very beautiful and rewarding thing.

It truly is weeks like this one that I pause for a moment, and think ‘how in this world can I POSSIBLY ever ask for anything more than the ‘things’ I already have? I can’t.

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH

While I was stepping out of the shower this evening, this saying that I have framed on my wall struck my eyes. “Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much”. It’s one of my favorite sayings, but it tonight it struck me, and I began to think. Do I do these things, and if so, how?

LIVE WELL—I have a new appreciation for life and living in the present moment after the last few months. Life is a series of moments, a series of moments too short to not enjoy. Oh, sure we all have our ‘down’ days, and that’s ok—it’s just basic human nature. “Living well” doesn’t mean you have to have the best of everything, but it does mean that you have to make the most of what you have. Find happiness in the simplicity of life itself, and everything will then fall into place.

LAUGH MUCH—Even if it means laughing at my own self. Find joy, happiness, and humor at some point in each day. Don’t be uptight. There’s way too much in this world that can make us sad, but laughter is good for the spirit. Laughter is good medicine…and hey, it’s free!

LOVE MUCH—Love, true love, begins with yourself. Ru Paul says it best—“if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to expect anyone else to? There’s so much truth in that. Love attracts love. Love those around you. Don’t take for granted the people who mean so much to you. If you love them, don’t be afraid to tell them, and tell them often. I am blessed with wonderful people in my life—people who have been with me on my journey for many more years than either of us are willing to admit, I’m sure. Still, some are newcomers in my life, and I’m equally grateful for the love they bring into my life. With some friendships, I think there is an unspoken love. The point here is that we let those we love know through our words and our actions that they are important.

Here’s my confession: I strive each day to put these three little phrases into practice. I promise to breathe in the breath of life, savor it and enjoy it. I will learn to relax—find humor in each and every day. And LOVE...the greatest commandment—enough said.

PEACE THAT PASSES UNDERSTANDING

This week, for some inexplicable reason, I’ve experienced such a sense of peace and tranquility. I’ve smiled a lot, I’ve laughed a lot and I’ve just felt that for the first time, in a very long time, that “it is well with my soul”. It’s been a long and tiring week so far. Eight hours over the course of two nights were spent in a recording session for the MCCS CD. It was an exhausting process, but the camaraderie of my choir brothers and the music were an incredible experience. Yesterday I attended a daily mass at the downtown cathedral, and because of some connections I have there, was able to play around a bit with the pipe organ after mass, and was told I was welcome to come back and play around on the instrument any time. Maybe I’ll actually LEARN to play the organ for real.

Worry, fear and frustration have subsided this week. There’s a joy I can’t even begin to explain. I feel like things are just really good in my life. I feel like I’m on the right path. The picture is still a little fuzzy, but the details will show up in time. I’m not worried.

Here’s my confession: I don’t know. I could wake up tomorrow morning and be worried, anxious and be mad at the world. So, I’m relishing the beauty of this peaceful feeling while it lasts. I’m enjoying living today, and am letting tomorrow worry about itself. For now, there is music in my soul, my spirit is light and my outlook on life is very positive. This is a good feeling. It’s something that I haven’t experienced many times. Maybe this is a new trend? Whatever the case, I thank God for the blessings have fallen into my path, for while I can’t pinpoint the exact reason for this incredible feeling, I am certain it is the people in my life, the experiences I’ve lived, and the hope I’ve been that have contributed so greatly. While I could dwell on plenty of negativity if I wanted, I choose joy and positive thoughts. I’m sure that soon enough there will be a cloudy day that I don’t feel so chipper, but until that day comes, I’ll be here, with peace.

AN APOLOGY

So, I awoke this morning and checked my email. Sleepy-eyed, I read my blog from last night and shook my head at what I had written. Sub-par! What started off as a good topic suddenly took a plummet into oblivion. What happened? I was on a roll. Well, the sleep medication I had taken kicked in somewhere around the fourth and sixth paragraphs. That, my friends, is why I must step away from the computer after I take the medication for the night!

As the day progressed, I laughed at my incoherency, my grammatical incongruities and the blatant abandonment of my faculties. Some may blame it on the alcohol, as a popular song suggests, but me, I’m going to blame it on the Ambien, and only a half a dose at that, for the Ambien, she’s the one to blame!

What I think I meant to say in last night’s blog is that the things I have learned over the last three months are some very important lessons. Everything you have can be here one moment and gone the next. What are left in the aftermath? Truth, wisdom, and a map to move you forward remain, if you will only surrender. It was in that surrender that I was able to give it all to the Divine. It was in that surrender that I found solace. It was in that surrender that I was able to pause in the quietness and take an inventory of my obstacles and blessings.

Here’s my confession: I apologize for subjecting you to a blog that was not my best work. I confess to you that in the last twelve weeks of life, I’ve been humbled by many experiences. I’m grateful for the kindness, love and support of friendships far and near. What tomorrow will bring, I know not. I do know that I’ve reached a place of surrender, and I feel an intense peace in my soul unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced. It’s not about money, it’s not about being worried or fearful. It’s simply about learning to live, to let go of fear and frustrations. It’s about living and learning from both the successes and failures of yesterdays past. It’s about stepping boldly into each new today. While I’ve lost a few things over the last few weeks, that which I most cherish is what remains—you.

THE JOURNEY UNANTICIPATED

THE JOURNEY UNANTICIPATED

Twelve weeks ago I began a journey I had not anticipated. I left behind a career and “family” I had loved for twelve long years. Twelve weeks ago at this exact moment, I know that I was mentally and emotionally in a very different place. I must admit that there have been very few moments where I completely felt hopeless, for there are too many people in my life that care about me to allow me to ever walk down that narrow path alone.

Twelve weeks ago, I was given the opportunity to step back and look at my life. I believe I have been afforded an opportunity to focus more on today, and to learn some of life’s lessons that I was too busy to learn. I’ll focus on three of the things I’ve learned during this “interim” period of my life.

What’s the most valuable lesson I’ve learned? It’s one of those intangible things that is most humbling to experience. It’s about learning who’s going to be around when the bottom falls out. I’ve learned that I have some of the most amazing people in my life, people who have stood beside me and supported me each step of the way. Yes, I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but I never meant to hurt anyone.

I’ve learned to let go and let God. That may sound trite, but it’s absolutely true. I had a lot of things going on and hitting me all at once. I had the loss of the job, I had the break-up with Wynn, and I finally reached a point where I had to just say “Ok, God, here you go.” And, after I reached the point to where I was ready to do that, there was peace. I still feel this incredible sense of peace that when the time is right, I’m going to land on my feet again, exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’ve learned that fighting for what you believe in is important. Don’t just accept things as they are. If you feel you’ve been wronged, stand up and make them hear you. Justice is worth the fight, and victory has a sweet taste.

Here’s my confession: In the nearly ninety days since my world went topsy-turvy, I have to confess that while there have been some dark moments in my soul during the time, on the whole, my life has been truly blessed by friends who have reached with many expressions. I must also confess that my stress level is lower today than it was three simple months ago.

Continuing my education formally through an online program has been a great boost to me, and sets me up for success in the future. Self-study in music has been something else that has provided so much joy in my life. I’m trying to, among other things in my life, capitalize on the time I have to do the very best that I can do. I try to carve out 30 minutes or an hour just to practice music. I’m trying to learn lots of new music. I’m really excited about the prospects that lie ahead. There's a path you take and a path not taken, and there's a brand new life around the bend.

LIVING IN A CLOSET

LIVING IN A CLOSET

You’re probably thinking that this is another post about being gay, coming out and how that whole process changed my life. You may be thinking this is another one of those coming of age blogs. You may even be thinking this is one of those blogs about how I found my true self and how difficult it was coming to terms with my authentic self.
Actually, this is not a blog about sexuality. It’s a blog about spirituality.

I am Catholic. When I became Catholic ten years ago, I made a profession that “I believe and profess all the Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God.” Do I? No. It would be difficult to believe ALL the church teaches. And that’s not true of just the Catholic church, it’s true of any church. I grew up as a Southern Baptist and later became a member of the United Methodist church. I still find myself leaning on teachings from my days as a protestant. In some ways, I think it makes me a better Catholic. I’ve made no excuses over the years, I am a cafeteria catholic, as are most of the Catholics I know. We all pick and choose the doctrines with which we agree and dismiss the ones we find questionable or even asinine, antiquated or even impossible.

It would probably shock some people to learn that I don’t even believe that Christianity is the ONLY path to eternity. That, to me, is completely incomprehensible. If we take a brief survey of all the world’s religions, compare the basic tenants and compare and contrast them all…they all basically teach the same thing. We’re all trying to get to the same place. Buddhism pre-dates Christianity. Teachings of the Buddha are quite compatible with those of Jesus Christ. Spirituality is a deeply individual connection. It’s a connection, often, defying labels. The chief thing to remember is that God is Love.

Recently, I’ve found my spiritual fulfillment in the Episcopal church. Having worshiped on a few rare occasions, I’ve felt a spiritual connection and heard a message that I’ve been missing. The Episcopal church has been referred to as “Catholic Lite” or even a “kissing cousin”. That’s true. Our traditions are very similar, but the beauty of the Episcopal church is that, as I understand it, members are encouraged to pick and choose what they believe. I think that’s why we see so many “mixed” marriages between protestants and catholics or protestants of mixes denominations often “settle” in the Episcopal church, because they have the freedom to express their faith in the way they find most appropriate.

Here’s my confession: So, while I openly live my life as a Catholic, attend mass, take communion, accompany the congregation and find the ritual of the liturgy to be a beautiful thing, I am living in a closet. “Catholic” is a name I call myself. “Christian” is a label I sometimes apply to myself. Yet, more often than not, my beliefs and the beliefs of the “church” do not correspond with one another. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. What I do believe is that what truly matters is that you have a connection with the Divine. Your connection to the Divine may be found in a downtown cathedral, a tiny church in the country, or on a hiking trail in the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe your connection to the divine is found in music or the arts or any of thousands or millions of different ways. As long as you feel peace with the Divine, and you are following what you believe to be the truth, I am confident that you are on the right path. Remember, the “church” existed before the scriptures were even set forth. So, I continue, even as we prepare to celebrate the birthday of the church, Pentecost, to live in a spiritual closet. I continue to daily seek an experience with the divine and believe, hope and trust that the path I follow is the right path. Do you find yourself living in a spiritual closet, too? Pause and ask yourself where or what is your sense of the divine. I believe if you haven't taken a spiritual inventory in a while, you may be surprised at what you truly believe.

GRATITUDE 05.21.10

GRATITUDE 05.21.10

The ending of another week has arrived, and with it, many reason for gratitude. This has been a week of much joy, peace and excitement, and there have even been a few moments of frustration and stress.

I’m grateful for the wonderful positive answer to a prayer this week. I am grateful to God for showing me that letting go of worry can produce some amazing results. Thank you, God, how could I ask for more?

I’m grateful for my dear “old” friends. CJ, Lee, and Jane have all known me for more years than most of us care to admit. They have all been so wonderful to listen to me, not only this week, but any time I need to just talk. I’m grateful for these three individuals and the memories we have from the past and am hopeful for the memories still to be made.

I’m grateful for my men’s chorus family. We’ve worked so diligently for the last two weeks preparing for a CD recording project. This is a significant undertaking and has truly been a lot of work. I’m so grateful that I took those first steps of faith, embraced my fears and found a family I would have never found were it not for the MCCS.

I’m grateful for life. This week, I played for two funerals of two different men. One of the gentlemen was only 61, the other only 65. These men were young by most standards. It simply shows us how absolutely fragile life is. Life can be taken from us at any moment. It’s so important to live in the moment, for we never know which moment will be our last.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for so many wonderful blessings in this life. I’m grateful for the friends both far and near who love me and accept me with my faults. I’m grateful for the many lessons I’ve learned this week about life, about love and hopefully where my tomorrows are headed. I’m grateful for a heart that’s been though so much, and will no doubt go through more. I’m grateful for answers to prayer and I’m grateful for the many blessings that come my way and for the little blessings in my life which are often for granted. Thank you, Lord, How could I possibly ask for more?

MOVING FORWARD

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in just about every way imaginable. As I as heading to meet friends for dinner before choir rehearsal tonight, I thought about a message I had received from Gray earlier in the day saying he hoped everything was going well and that I was having a spectacular day. As I reflected on the day I thought to myself “this has been a perfectly peaceful day”. That is such an incredible, refreshing feeling to have a sense that things in life are falling into place.

While I could look back at the past, especially the recent past, and be filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness, I don’t. Instead, I am focused on where I am today, and am amazed at how each obstacle I’ve endured has made me a stronger person. I feel more peace in my life than I did three months ago. I have a greater sense of where I’m heading than I did three months ago. Worry was at one time my constant companion. Now, I see that worry is not productive. I’m not saying that from time to time, I don’t worry; but on the whole, I no longer dwell in a constant state of worry as I have at so many periods in my life. I used to think that worry would solve the problems, when it only made them worse. Just letting go and letting things happen is a far more productive activity.

Each day I live I feel a little more alive. I know that while I’ve been dealt a hand that is difficult, it is not impossible. I know that I am not alone in this journey called life. The dictionary defines journey as “a trip or expedition from one place to another” as well as “a process of development.” I think both of these definitions are perfect and appropriate, for in a journey, it is implied that you are in a continual state of moving forward, not backward, looking ahead, not behind.

Here’s my confession: What does moving forward even mean? Well, to me, it means not dwelling in yesterday’s hurts. It means living for today and making today count. It means working each and every day to be a better me. It means eliminating clutter—in many forms—from my life. It means finding ways to simplify my life, learning to love myself completely, and to follow the path to peace. Moving forward means using the lessons learned from yesterday’s successes or mistakes to propel me forward. Moving forward means setting attainable goals, creating realistic plans, evaluating my passions, and even purging that which is unnecessary in my life. If the journey of a thousand miles truly does begin with one step, then I’m ready to start walking, because I am excited about the beautiful life I now live.

WHAT KEEPS ME GOING?

There have been moments in my life when I was ready to just completely give up, throw in the towel and call it quits, but somehow, I’ve managed to keep going. I guess we all have good days and bad days, and I think it’s even normal to ride the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Some days are just brighter than others—
it’s a fact of life. Some days you want to laugh all day long, other days, well, you’d rather just pull the blanket back over your head and cry all day.

What keeps me going? What is my motivation? It is my knowing that today’s trials are only temporary, and even if they aren’t, that somehow, someway, I’m going to end up exactly where I’m supposed to be. I think that’s what you call “Faith”. Faith is trusting in that which is unseen. I’ve had to rely on my faith a lot the last few months. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s why I’ve been allowed to go through this current situation.

What keeps me going? Relationships. It is those relationships with friends who do know everything about me, but still love me anyway. It’s the friends I’ve had for years who have seen me go through so many situations. It’s the people who know me well enough to know that I don’t always say nor do the right things, but my intentions are harmless.

What keeps me going? Dreams. While I am focused on living in the present, I do allow myself to indulge in dreams of the tomorrows. I picture myself in 5 years probably being exactly where I am. I have dreams of someone coming along who will blow my mind and sweep me off my feet. I have dreams of landing a dream job, actually a dream career, and I’m trusting that it will all work out for the better.

Here’s my confession: There have been times I truly felt so hopeless. I just wanted to make my exit form the life, but at those moments I feel something is coming down on me. I want a job, I want a relationship, and I want friends. I’m blessed. I have all of these, and seem to add a little more to the mix every day.

SOMEWHERE AMONG THE CHAOS

Somewhere among the chaos of life, God speaks.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a friend listens intently.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a stranger shows us the way.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, beauty is found.

Somewhere among the chaos of life, we put God on mute.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, we turn our back on our friend. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we are blind to the stranger. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we only see negativity.

Somewhere among the chaos of life, there is peace.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a friend forgives our trespasses.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a stranger becomes a friend.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, we experience pure art.

Here’s my confession: Somewhere, among the chaos, our God is still calling to us and true friends abide. Somewhere, among the chaos, the line between stranger and friend is blurred—after all, weren’t we all strangers at one time? Sometimes, among the chaos of life, we hear beautiful melodies; we see the beauty of an artisan’s craftsmanship and we experience that which is sacred in ways unimagined.

Somewhere among the chaos, our love, our friendship and even our faith are called into question. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we transgress against those about whom we profess to care the most. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we find plenteous redemption, healing, and truth. Sometimes, it may just be that the path that leads to freedom is filled with chaos, confusion, and frustration.

Somewhere, among the chaos is love, and that’s what it’s all about.

GRATITUDE 05.14.10

My gratitude this week is bittersweet because while I’ve had some very wonderful moments, there have been some moments equally tinged with sadness. I have hurt some of the most important people in my life this week through my words and actions, and it saddens me deeply to know that.

I’m grateful this week for clarity. I’ve learned some very important lessons in life this week. Though my writing, I’ve been able to tap into a part of my soul and unlock some of the thoughts I’ve been holding in, waiting for their exposure to the light of day. I’m grateful for this blog, for it has been a sounding board for my soul, allowing the expression of emotions, fears, frustrations that I could in no other way articulate.

I’m grateful for spiritual moments. As I wrote earlier in the week, I attended an Episcopal mass on Thursday night celebrating the Christian Feast of the Ascension, commemorating the bodily ascension of Christ forty days after his crucifixion and resurrection. I celebrated this feast in a beautiful spiritual space in downtown Birmingham, with music that is second to none, a spiritual message through the homily that spoke directly to my heart. I wish it weren’t so difficult for me to have experiences such as this with the Divine, but when they do occur, they are intensely meaningful and, at times, even a bit serendipitous. Tonight, I attended an organ concert in Tuscaloosa. The organ is truly the king of all instruments. I’m by no means a “real” organist, but certainly appreciate the real thing when see it. Once again, it was another incredible spiritual experience.

I’m grateful for the renewal of friendships from the past. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve found a friend with whom I graduated high school. Andrew and I last connected in 2004, and then he sort of fell off the radar. Now, thanks to facebook, we’ve once again reunited—at least in cyber land. We have talked about getting together at some point in the near future, which would be an incredible experience after all this time. Driving home from Tuscaloosa I spoke with Truvy. It’s been so long since we’ve been able to catch up. We ended up talking for over two hours! Truvy is one of those people that everyone should have in their life. She lives her life absolute with integrity and faith.

I’m grateful to the individuals who have been provided whatever resources I needed during this interim period of my life. Whether it be providing me with a “free” meal or even surprising me with cash, God’s been so good to me.

Today, what seems to be good news came my way, and I’m excited to see where it leads and to learning more detail.

Here’s my confession: I’m a transgressor. I’ve unintentionally hurt people who are important to me this week. That hurts me, deeply. I’m learning, day by day, that my words and my actions are increasingly important. I have to remind myself that my core group of friends that I have today are, in ways, different than the established friendships I have with Lee, Jane, Truvy or Morgan. These are friends who have known me over a decade (and yes, Morgan, let’s face it-a couple of decades). The banter that I may exchange with them, the relationships I have with them has been tested and are strong. They understand my blunders, my lack of ability to filter things from my brain to mouth. That’s something I still have to learn. I don’t like to hurt people—especially people I love. I just wish I knew how to make that known to those who haven’t known me quite so long. All I know to do is ask forgiveness, and pray that it is granted.

I’m grateful for the amazing gifts that are in my life. I’m grateful for music—my refuge, my harbor; my writing—my sounding board, my sanity; my faith—battled, but still in tact.

I’m grateful for a week full of surprises, a week full of love, adventure, serenity and spirit. I’m grateful for the present moments, for we are not guaranteed our next breath, but if I am so blessed, I pray that I live a life of integrity, honest and faith. As I march onward, I pray for wisdom to be my companion each step of the way, for grace to go before me and for more moments of serendipitous spiritual renewal.

I think that most of all, I am grateful for you and the love and faith we share. Dona Nobis Pacem (Grant Us Peace).

REFLECTIONS

REFLECTIONS

In the stillness of this night, I collect my thoughts about life. Even in the crappiest moments of my life, I have to admit, I am blessed. Even when I am stressed, anxious, depressed or my spirit is empty, I am reminded that someone else is experiencing something far worse, and would be happy to trade places with me.

The last few months have been, in many ways, a precious gift to me. I’ve learned so much about myself, the direction I want to go and I’ve caught glimpses of a future filled with hope. I’ve lost many things, but in doing so, I’ve gained so much along the way. It’s really amazing to look at how the closing of a window truly does open doors.

What I have learned in the last nearly three months is that friendships are special and that sometimes you just have to trust that God is doing the right thing and removing you from a situation. I’ve learned that just because someone says they love you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they do, and that worry, like rocking in a rocking chair, is an activity that will give you something to do, but won’t really get you anywhere. I’ve learned that finding peace with yourself is the greatest gift you can ever receive.

Today I had a very simplistic day. I met Gray and Trent for lunch, and then did something I’ve thought of doing for a long time, but just never took the time. I drove to Elmwood Cemetery and just took a little walk around. It was an absolutely beautiful day and a great day to spend in one of the most serene locations in Birmingham. Of course, I looked for Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant’s grave while I was there, but did not find it—I guess that will give me a reason to go back and walk around Block 30 again. I stopped by and visited the grave of Parker’s grandmother. She died the day we moved in together, perfectly timed...the movers had done their job, Parker’s father had helped me get my last load of items from my apartment and had returned home where Parker’s brother and soon to be sister-in-law were in town, then we got the call that she had died and quickly drove to the assisted living facility to join the rest of the family there. It was simple, peaceful and beautiful. It may have been at that moment, that I truly felt I was a part of Parker’s family. It’s one of my most precious memories, though sad for the family, I recall the tremendous sense of relief that she was no longer living in pain, nor was she living in a world she had trouble recognizing because of her battle with Alzheimer’s Disease. So, I stopped by just to say hello to her today and to thank her for her family, who will always be so dear to me.

After leaving the cemetery, I returned home and took care of things around the house before heading out to a service to commemorate the Feast of the Ascension at the Episcopal Church. The glorious music and words of the homily were such necessary experiences for me. As I told Christopher, who sings in the choir, I truly had a religious experience. That may sound odd, since I go to church every week. However, when one is serving as a minister, I’ve found that it’s often that one is not being ministered to. I often block out the homily entirely and am just waiting for my next cue to return to the piano or organ. It was a refreshing experience.

Here’s my confession: One might argue that I haven’t used my time wisely, that I’ve not worked as hard as I should have during this interim period of my life, but the lessons I’ve learned, the love I’ve experienced, and the peace I have today all cause me to believe that I have done everything according to plan. I have no doubt that things are going to work out for me. I also have no doubt that the time I’ve been given to take an inventory of my life, to look at where I want my life to go, and having the opportunity to formulate a plan are priceless. The time I’ve been able to spend working on music has been a healing process, but has also helped me to continue to grow and add to my repertoire. My hope is that I’ll be able to parlay the musical skills someone into a money-making venture in the near future. Until then, I am trusting with faith that all will be well. I know that there’s brighter tomorrow, and that my prayers will be answered. I know that I have to put legs on my prayers, and I am; but I also know that I am not to worry. It’s all under control, and the plan will be revealed in due time. Today’s struggles, God Willing, will be replaced by more than I can dare imagine.

FEAR

“Fear is the mother of morality.”—Friedrich Nietzsche
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fear. I think it’s a natural part of the human experience. I have been thinking of the things of which I am most afraid, and tonight I pause to ask myself questions about the things I fear.

Why am I so afraid of reconnecting with my family of origin? I think it’s because I have never truly felt like I was a part of that family. I was always the outsider. It’s so much easier to pretend that family doesn’t exist and live my life, creating my family of choice here. Thoughts of actually communicating with that family paralyze me. I truly wish I understood. I’ve tried to understand it through counseling. I’ve reached out through cards and letters, but seeing them in person, talking on the phone. It’s one of my biggest fears. Yet, what fear do I have of the day my family of origin is gone? What will that day be like?

I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of losing control. I’m afraid of letting go and losing a part of myself. I’m afraid of what people might say if I lose my reputation. I’m afraid that if I do the very same things that other gay men do, that I will be the one that gets the reputation as being a whore or slut. What if I were to sow those wild oats I’ve never sown? What if I were to just let go and live a little? Is there really a reason for fear?

I’m afraid of failing as a friend. Even at my age, true, abiding friendship is a relatively new experience for me. I am afraid of sucking the lives out of the people I love. I am afraid of letting the most important people in my life down with my words. The greatest gift I have to give my friends is my love, but I fear what if that’s not enough, or worse, what if it’s too much?

I am afraid of love. My fear giving my heart again and watching it get broken. Yet, I know in love there are no guarantees. So, I must sit back and wait for that moment when the time is right, the stars align and I am standing face to face with my destiny. I imagine that will be a moment when all fear is released. However, it could be at that moment that my true fear only begins.

I fear that I may never truly find my purpose. I fear that I may not know what I am supposed to do with my life. I’m enrolled in a Master’s degree program for Accounting. I’m very excited about this program, know it will take a lot of very hard work, but, although I am trying my hardest to live in the now and not dwell on tomorrow, I can’t help thinking what I were never to do what I was born to do? What if I were to never accomplish my purpose?

Here’s my confession: I fear my own mediocrity, my procrastination, and my confusion. I fear my ambivalence. I fear making mistakes in some areas and failing to take the necessary risks to fail (or succeed) in others. I fear losing the things that are most dear to me, which, generally are not “things” at all—they are the people and relationships that keep me grounded on earth. I fear reaching the end of my life and having nothing to show for it. I fear that just as quickly as the special moments and people have come into my life that they will disappear. I fear questions to answers I don’t want to hear, but I believe I have an even greater fear that the answers will not come.

Truly, if I’m living as I strive to live, in the present, completely in the now, then the only thing I have to fear is fear itself.

STOP

Sometimes I have to just sit back and remind myself to “STOP”. The world keeps on spinning, issues keep on going…but sometimes I have to stop. In a world of chaos, where is the quiet. In a world full of confusion and nose, we just have to say "NO MORE" and STOP.

I have to remind myself to stop before I speak. My jokes may not be taken in the right context, my words may be misinterpreted and, sometimes, that is how sometimes friendships meet their demise.

I have to remind myself to stop dwelling on the past or the future and live in the NOW. Yesterday is gone—learn from the lessons there. Tomorrow has not happened—it isn’t even promised to me. Today—this moment, is all I have. I can’t dwell on relationships that didn’t last. I can’t focus on relationships that haven’t yet happened. I can choose to learn the lessons from those relationships and focus on ways to be better.

I have to stop and remind myself to stop dwelling on the relationship, or lack thereof, with my family of origin. I have to remind myself of my family of choice, and the innumerable blessings they all bring into my life. I have to let go of the blame, the fear, and the guilt. I have to focus on the people who mean the most in my life right now—the people who would drop everything for me.

I have to stop focusing on the career that has ended, and focus on finding my new career. I have to focus on my education. I have to stop the resentment, the frustration with the company to whom I gave 12 years of my life and instead focus on the belief that the best is yet to come.

Here’s my confession: There are a lot of things I need to stop. I need to stop putting things off. I have to stop allowing myself to stop and think before I do things. I have to stop and ask myself if the choices I make today, the things I say today or the things I do today are going to be something I regret tomorrow. I have to stop pining for a man to come into my life to fill the void. I have to fill that void myself, then there will be a place for the man. I have to stop kicking myself for decisions I didn’t make, but should have.

In short, I have to stop. I have to take a deep breath. Savor it. Enjoy it. Embrace the essence of that moment. For in stopping to enjoy that moment—that one, single, solitary moment in time—I may just grasp all the answers to all the questions that haunt me from day to day. I have to stop and acknowledge that while my life has not always gone according to plan, that I am blessed. So, I must enjoy the moments that make up my life. I have to stop and remind myself that I’m never alone—I have friends who love me, and that is more than enough to help me make it through the days. So tonight, as I lay down my head to rest, I will stop, for just a moment and say a prayer for you, my dearest friends, in thanksgiving and gratitude for the special gifts you bring to my life. You each bring some unique gift I need, and I love you. I hope that maybe, after you read this, you’ll stop, if only for a second or two, and say a little prayer for me.

CLEANSING

Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines cleansing as “to rid of impurities, as if by washing.” That’s such a sobering thought, actually, as I contemplate my life of late. It seems as though much of my life the last few months have been spent in some way or another.

I suppose cleansing can take place in any number of forms. It need not necessarily be of a physical nature. It could be psychological, spiritual, or even emotional. In my case, I would have to say that I believe that I’ve been experiencing an intense amount of cleansing in my life so far this year.

I’ve been cleansed of a job that was no longer right for me. And while I do miss several of my colleagues, and no doubt miss the weekly paycheck, I actually feel better in my life because there is less stress, less worry, and less frustration about meeting seemingly insurmountable goals.

I’ve been cleansed of a relationship that, while it looked promising, turned out to be just a learning experience. I miss Wynn, and, while I am angry that things did not work out, I came out of that experience knowing more about myself and am more poised and prepared for the next relationship that comes along.

I’ve been cleansed emotionally. Losing my job allowed me to finally open up and shed tears that had been waiting to get out for quite some time. Emotional cleansing has also come through the writing of this blog, through feedback I’ve received, through speaking with my dear friends and family of choice. Each time I sit down at my piano to play, I experience a type of emotional cleansing as well.

Here’s my confession: I asked a friend tonight to choose my blog title and topic tonight. I think he chose a perfect topic. I’ve come a long way in my cleansing process, but there’s still so very much farther that I have to go. There are days I look in the mirror and am totally disgusted by the reflection staring back at me. I am learning to let the small stuff in life go and focus on the things that are important to me—my “family” of amazing, wonderful, supportive friends. I’ve learned that ultimate healing also comes from a power much deeper level through my spiritual life. Am I scared? Of course I’m scared. I have fears that run very deeply. But, I find such peace, simplicity and sincerity in my faith. As I seek other elements of my life needing the purge, I pray for patience, endurance and strength to do the times that I know are necessary in my life. Cleansing—out with the old and in with the new. I just

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES, ESPECIALLY ON MOTHER'S DAY...

I need to forgive you, but I don’t know how. It’s been over four years. I haven’t seen you and have only spoken to you once in that time. It was never my intention to hurt you any more, I suppose, than it was your intention to hurt me. Maybe time heals all wounds, I’m not really sure. But sometimes I have to wonder why. I have to wonder why all the hurt, why all the pain, why all the fear?

Why can’t I just pick up the phone and put all this shit to rest? Why am I not able to be the bigger person here and make the first step? Yet, I remind myself that I’ve reached out with cards and letters and none of my actions have ever been returned.

Sometimes, I have to admit that it feels like you’ve died, but I didn’t get to say good buy, didn’t get to go to your funeral, and that I got no sense of closure. Where did it all go so horribly wrong?

Did it happen when I uttered those word you’d probably waited most of my 22 years to hear anyway “I’m gay”? Did it happen when I graduated from college and moved out of state? Did it happen when the relationship I moved out of state for fell apart—did you have hopes that I would drop everything and come back “home”? Did it happen when I started a new relationship with Parker, someone I didn’t get the impression you liked very much any way.

Here’s my confession: What truly happened? Perhaps I’ll never know. I always tried to be a good son. I always wanted to be accepted and loved. I thought you had done a good job with that. I have chalked a lot of things up to your youth when I was born. Maybe you didn’t know what you were doing. I didn’t come with an instructional manual. Mother, I tried. I tried to become someone of whom you would be proud. I tried. The truth is, for most of my life, at least my early life, I was lonely and I hated myself. That’s something that took me until early adulthood to come to terms with. In fact, it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve been able to look at myself and say “Damn it, you have something to be proud of. You have friends who love you.” I grew up bored with an inferiority complex, knowing all the while, since the second grade that I was “different”. Within a few years I knew what that difference was that I am a homosexual. Oh, I’m sure I’ve caused the family my fair share of heartache over that revelation, but wouldn’t you rather me live my life in truth and inner harmony than to live a lie every single day of my life?

Perhaps you have some illness of which I am completely unaware. I don’t know. What I do know is that while you will possibly never read the words I now write from deep with in the power of my soul, that I’ve tried. I’ve poured out my soul in this letter and hope that somehow, someway, that God will bring you peace. I pray that someday…when the time is right that we can reunite. Sometimes I wonder if that reunion will happen on this side of heaven or the other.

Happy Mother’s Day. I hope it was an amazing day for you.

Love,
K

LOVE: IS IT WORTH THE RISK?

“Yeah I'm ready to feel now No longer am afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again”-Lady Antebellum

Those lyrics were my mantra just three short months ago. And, well, I stepped out, took the risk, was ready to move on without the fear of how it might end…but did I really?

Love. Yes. It is worth the risk, but only when it is real. It is worth the risk when the feeling is mutual, when two hearts are beating in sync. Those initial feelings of love—how amazing! There’s nothing quite like those initial feelings and intertwining of two single hearts.

Love. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. My heart got chipped, not broken. Do I have resentment? Yes, I have a little, because I believed in something special. I believed in something real. I was naïve enough to believe that feelings were mutual.

Here’s my confession: I grew from that experience, and I think that is the most important thing. I have complete faith that I will love again…maybe not tomorrow, but one day…and I know it will be when the time is exactly right. Love, true love, is worth it…and it is worth the wait. And tonight, I leave you with these thoughts additional words from Lady Antebellum.

“Seems I was walking in the wrong direction. I barely recognize my own reflection. Oh, scared of love but scared of life alone. Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby. Building walls around my heart to save me. Oh, but its time for me to let it go”

And so, Mr. Right. I’m looking forward to meeting you, but only when the time is right.

GRATITUDE REFLECTIONS 05.07.10

I’ve made it to the end of another week. This week I saw my fair share of ups and downs, but I’ve survived another week, and isn’t that what matters most?

The week started with an awesome choral performance. Both the men and women did a great job, and I am so proud of this group and the good that it has done in our community and in the lives of those involved with it. I’m grateful for the friends who were able to be there to support me. There are others who wanted to be there, but were unable, and that’s completely understandable. In this case, it truly is the thought that matters most to me. Following the concert, I went to the monthly gospel drag show at the club on seventh. It may sound crazy, but I get a lot of spiritual energy out of the drag show, especially when I’m there with Ghraant and he’s putting on his show. The boy has some soul and spirit and to be honest, it’s infectious.

Knowing it was past time for a trip to Sam’s for a tire rotation, I stopped in on Tuesday to have the work done. I’m grateful for the providence of God and the mercy of the angels and saints. It seems that I had, at some point, run over a screw or possibly a drill bit which was deep within the tread of my front driver’s side tire. The lady at Sam’s told me that I was lucky that I hadn’t already had a blow out, because the tire was cracked with only about ten pounds of air pressure. When I thought of how I drove to Atlanta and back last week, I thought how very blessed indeed I am. The tires on my car are special order tires. There’s a minor miracle in this situation. They just happened to have the exact tire that I needed IN STOCK at Sam’s. I’m grateful that I was able to get this situation taken care of, and, while it cost me a little bit for the replacement, I’m sure it’s a far less price than I would have had to pay were I to have had a blow out or even worse.

On Wednesday, I had a job interview. It went, well, it went. On Thursday, I received a call from my representative at the staffing agency telling me I had been selected! Excitement and Gratitude abounded. Today I went in to fill out a piece of paperwork at the agency, and then got a phone call around 5:00 with the bad news. The company had backed out of the contract. Easy come, easy go? I’m still maintaining my faith, trusting and knowing that all will work out in the time it is supposed to work out. The window that was closed in my life a few months ago is going to open to an even wider door when the time is right. I’m being patient and trusting with incredible faith and gratitude in what will come my way.

I’m grateful for the gifts of time and opportunity. I’m grateful for the experience of the last few months. While certainly less than ideal, I know this is not happening by accident. I don’t have all the answers, but I am fairly certain that I’m going to come out the other end of this situation with clarity and a better sense of self. It’s exciting to look back even now and see the fingerprints of a power mightier than I at work.

Tonight I heard from Morgan who lives in Nashville. I’m grateful that she is safe and sound from the flooding and devastation going on in that city. I’m grateful for Morgan’s friendship. We haven’t spoken lately, but she’s another one of those friendships that just picks right up where it leaves off and there’s no need to fill in many details. That’s the beauty of an “old” friendship. Speaking of old friends, I’m grateful for the many people who have been brought back into my life through facebook. I’ve connected with so many people from all parts of my life and am grateful for the places we hold in each other’s lives. I’ll be writing more about these people in upcoming blogs.

Here’s my confession: As I evaluate where I am in life, I am simply grateful for the hands that have guided me so gently to where I am. I’m grateful for my friends and their loving care for me. I’m grateful for memories, dreams and hopes. I’m grateful for yesterday, but hopeful for the unchartered path to tomorrow. With the dawning of each new day I see opportunities which amaze me. It is my hope that I seize each day and live it to the fullest, that I offer each day as a gift of gratitude to the one who created it, and that I learn at least one thing each day that makes me a better person. I’m grateful for the many things in my life which have yet to spring forth, but my faith remains strong, my heart steadfast and I, myself, ready. It is my hope and prayer that gratitude is not just a word I utter, but an action I live in my life every single day, even as I struggle with the constant ups and downs of life.

BLOG COMMENTS

Friends,

Just a quick note to thank you for reading my blog. I'll be posting a new blog later this evening, but since most of you who are reading the blog now receive it via email, I don't often get feedback on the blogs. I do like feedback and to know that people are reading.

If you feel so inclined, you can comment by replying to the email. I tested it yesterday and when you hit reply, it goes directly to my email address.

Thanks again for reading. It's my pleasure to write and to know that what I experience touches you in some way.

Love,
"Keller"

A CHILDHOOD DREAM COMES TRUE

As a child, I was completely fascinated by the piano and organ. I recall going to church with my grandmother and she would always make sure that we sat where I would have a good view of the organist or pianist. I suppose one of my very few goals in life as an early child was to be a church musician.

My passion is the piano. I’ve been playing piano for a little over 21 years. Piano is the only thing in my life that I’ve been so passionate about that I worked so hard in which to achieve success. While my college degree is in voice, it is the piano that has always been my love. Even when I was supposed to be studying the vocal part of my repertoire in college, I would find myself in the practice room trying to learn the accompaniment part rather than the vocal part. Although I’ve been playing for over two decades, I still make mistakes, and have to practice a lot to learn new skills.

Most of what I play in church comes naturally to me and I can get by with little practice, mainly because it’s part of a regular repertoire. Yet, recently I’ve challenged myself to learn some new music—mostly classical music suitable for weddings, parties and the sort. I’ve also found some new arrangements of old hymns that I’ve been working on to use as preludes for church.

My proudest moments in life have been those in which I’ve been accompanying or performing. In college, I accompanied my best friend, Lee, a few times for departmental vocal recitals, certainly proud moments for me. Now, my proud moments come when I am sitting at the piano (or organ, though I am NOT a REAL organist) and looking out over the congregation knowing that the power of my instrument is going to touch someone in the congregation. I have a sense of pride when I have playing a beautiful prelude.

I made it very clear to my first piano teacher that I only wanted to learn to play for church, so he set me up with a series of books for church musicians and allowed me to pick hymns I wanted to learn out of The Baptist Hymnal (1975). That’s how I learned to play. I would literally spend HOURS playing from the hymnal. In some ways, it was the perfect way for me to learn, but in others, I missed a lot of the fundamentals of music that I should have been forced to learn—especially paying attention to rhythms...something that only now am I starting to understand a little better.

Here’s my confession: I can only think of two dreams I had as a child. One was to be a church musician; the other was to be a teacher. While I’ve taught individuals things such as computer applications and even taught a few music fundamental classes at church, being a church musician is the one dream that has truly come true for me. While other kids in my class were taking piano lessons, I begged my parents to let me take lessons. It wasn’t until I was 14 that my grandmother stepped in and decided it was time to put me in piano lessons. I guess my parents thought I wouldn’t succeed at it, so why pay the money? Who can fault them, I was mediocre at everything else in life, why waste their money on piano lessons for a kid that was probably going to get bored with it anyway? I like to think I proved them wrong. My parents never had to tell me to practice—they actually had to tell me to STOP. I would practice non-stop for hours. The piano has long been my source of peace, joy, and comfort. As I’ve written before, one of the happiest moments of my life was the day that Parker and I went to the local piano store to pick out my baby grand. I traded in the piano I had learned on—given to me by my grandmother—for the grand. Tears filled my eyes as we drove away, knowing that I had just fulfilled a dream of my grandmother’s…for me to have a baby grand. I imagine that if she is able from her heavenly home, she probably checks in on me from time to time as I sit down at that beautiful instrument and play. I hope that each time I sit down at the instrument that I honor her memory, for without her insistence that I learn, I think perhaps neither of my childhood dreams would have been realized.

FIVE PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO MEET

I have been thinking about the people I’d like to meet. I’ve been fortunate to meet a lot of amazing people in my life—everyday folks, newspaper columnists, local television personalities, even a few politicians. I once stood within touching distance of The Rev. Dr. Jesse Jackson. So, I began thinking today, if I could meet anyone in the world—past or present—and decided to narrow it down to five. As I did in last night’s blog, I’ll present them to you in the order in which the popped into my head and why I think it would be an amazing experience to meet the individual.

OPRAH WINFREY: I think Oprah is a person who has truly been successful and has used her success and platform for good. She is one of the world’s wealthiest people and she shares her wealth all around the world. She appears to be such a genuine person.

DOLLY PARTON: Dolly Parton. She really just seems like a person you would meet on the street and be able to sit down and talk to about anything as though she were an old friend. She seems so non-judgmental and down to earth. She’s another one who has used her success for good in the world. Her music has transcended generations and her legacy is one of integrity. She has a what-you-see-is-what-you-get attitude. I like that. I think we could all learn from that.

RANDY PAUSCH: You may or may not know who Randy Pausch is. The late Randy Pausch was a professor at Carnagie-Mellon University who died in July, 2008 from pancreatic cancer. He is well known for his last lecture “Living Your Childhood Dreams”. His lecture is amazing to watch, and the book based on his life is truly inspiring. His desire though his lecture was to leave behind words of wisdom for his small children who would grow up with out a father because of his terminal illness. The result was a book and lecture that has inspired millions of people around the globe. In addition, his time management techniques are some of the best I’ve ever heard anywhere.

DR. SEUSS: Who else has inspired generations of children of all ages? He’s one of the world’s most incredible wordsmiths. I grew up with Dr. Seuss, but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I came to appreciate his work. I’d like to have had the opportunity to thank him for my favorite work by him “Oh, The Places You Will Go”.

HIM-MR. RIGHT: Yes, “THE ONE”. I guess I’m not so much in a hurry to meet him, because I know h’ll come around when the time is exactly right. I want to meet him because I’ve waited so long for him. I’ve waited to share my life with someone. I’ve learned a lot of lessons, and I long to grow with in life. I’m ready, when the time is right, to love again. He’s out there…and will come to me when the time is right. And, I pray for the wisdom and patience to make it all work out. I smile as I write this, knowing that it shall come to pass.

Here’s my confession: I have friends who either are or have been local television personalities. I’ve worked with some of my city’s best newspaper columnists and have had personal interactions with them. Yet, it’s this list of five amazing people that I would love to have the opportunity, or had had the opportunity, to meet. I think the common thread among all of these individuals is that they are all REAL people. I tend to associate myself with people who are down to earth and genuine. Oprah, Dolly, Randy, Dr. Seuss and even my own Mr. Right are all real people. They get up each morning just like I do. We’re all part of the human race. The thing that separates these well-known personalities from the rest of the world is that they have used their celebrity for good. And, isn’t that what we should all learn to do? Whether we are a garbage man on a sanitation crew or host of one of the world’s most successful daytime talk shows, shouldn’t we strive to see the good in people, use our success to empower others and to make the world a better place by leaving a legacy of integrity behind? I think so.

FIVE THINGS I WISH I COULD CHANGE IN MY LIFE

I’ve been thinking of a few topics I’m going to write about over the next few days. Tonight I’m going to start with the five things I wish I could change in my life.

When I write, I usually just sit down, open up Word and start typing and let the words come to me. There’s usually not even a rough draft. However, tonight, I sat down and made a list about the things I wish I could change. Since they all came to me in random order, I’m going to write about them in the order in which they came to me.

First, I have always wished I could read better. I think you know by now that I love to write. Writing is one of the most relaxing and exciting things I have been given the ability to do. However, when it comes to reading, I have to admit that I have never been very good at reading. Reading is not something that was strictly encouraged of me when I was a child, and it is something with which I’ve always struggled. I guess I am a failed product of the educational system of the great state of Tennessee. While I’m not illiterate, I have always struggled with reading—and even more so with the comprehension. I missed the workshop last week offered at the local campus of my University. This is something I’d truly like to change about myself.

Secondly, I wish I were more motivated or financially able to join a gym and stick with it. Kyle and Trent are both active in the gym. Christopher works out at home. I have a wii fit that I think is just going to miraculously spring forth and do everything for me. I wish I weren’t so reticent about joining a gym again, I wish I were motivated to work on my body, which would in turn work on my spirit and mental/emotional well-being. I’ve been a member of the Y several times, and once I get into the routine, I enjoy it, but inevitably something happens and I get thrown off track and don’t go back. I’d like to do yoga. I’d like to build some muscle. I know I’m never going to grace the cover of Men’s Health or Muscle and Fitness, but I would like to, if for no other reason, have the self-confidence and boost of self esteem one gets from looking in the mirror and going “is that MY body staring back at me?

Third, I wish that I had been closer to my family of origin. It’s been years and, sadly, I just don’t know that I have the honest desire or energy it would take to make those amends. I don’t know that I have the strength to be the son or the cousin that I need to be. I could (and have) written long blogs about this topic. Perhaps there’ll be a new one in a few days as I think about it even more. I wish I knew what my major holdback is. Am I afraid that my family is going to want me to be a part of their everyday lives again? Am I afraid that they are going to change my way of life and interaction with my “family of choice”? Who knows? I certainly don’t.

Fourth, I wish that my time management skills were as good as my ability to clean the house. Now, I live in a very small house, and I have to vacuum every single day (if not every single day, then certainly every other day) to keep things from getting out of hand. I wish that I could force myself to sit down in the privacy and silence of my day to make out a daily routine schedule. Actually, I think beginning this very moment, I’m going to make a schedule and stick to it. I may go to the Dollar Tree to see about getting a dry erase board, and put it on my refrigerator to remind myself of the things that need doing.

Fifth, I wish that I were more confident. I have come a long way on this one, but I still have so far to go. I wish I could sit down at a piano and play anything I wanted, but it takes lots of hard work. Work is necessary and work is worthy. I wish I were confident enough to walk in to a room make it my own, but that’s why the shyness comes.

Here’s my confession: Five simple, life changing things are essential to my growth as a human being, an independent professional. I want to succeed. I have to remind myself that stall steps, taken in the right direction. I’m glad to have such wonderful people in life who remind me each and every day that one day at a time, all be well. My money, my time, and my treasure is banking on it.

WHY I WRITE...

If you’ve been reading a while, or even if you haven’t, you’ve probably discovered that my main reason for writing is for catharsis. Writing is the way I am most able to tap into those most intimate emotions and feelings that I am either not able to communicate verbally, or have a great deal of difficulty doing.

This blog is a form of therapy to me. While I change the names of the people in my blog, including my own, the situations are real, the experiences are real and the joys and pains are real. The blog is a form of therapy, and I’ve invited you, my friends, to come along and journey with me as I sort through the things in my life.

I am, without a doubt, a truly blessed human being. I have some of the most exceptional friends that I can ever imagine. I have been blessed with many exciting opportunities and experiences in my life. Yet, if I’m being honest, there are times that I still feel alone. Empty. Worthless. It seems no matter how much I grow or how many changes come my way, the “old me” and the feeling of not being worthy rears its ugly head.

My friends tend to help me keep things in perspective. Some of them are often perhaps a little too honest, and some may say what they think I want to hear, but by and large, my friends have my best interests at the core of their advice and concern for me. I think that’s what love and friendship is all about.

I certainly have a wide variety of topics to belabor. Love Relationships, Work (or lack thereof), family situations and my weekly opportunity to reflect on gratitude are all reasons of why I write. Each of the topics gives me the ability to reflect on my thoughts, my feelings and tap into the emotions just beyond the surface.

Here’s my confession: Had I not been keeping the writing going, I don’t know what I would have done. My grandmother and I used to correspond on a really regular basis (via letters and cards sent through the United States Postal Service). But, she’s been gone for slightly over a decade. I imagine that were she still alive that our relationship would have changed dramatically. I would hope that I would be able to be open and honest with her, and would hope that she would be able to give me some of the most wonderful advice on how to be who I am and the many situations that turn my way.

While my struggles with my parents have been very weighty to me, while love relationships haven’t always been the most kind to me, and while employment has been a struggle the last couple of moths. It's the combination of my writings and my dear friends being my sounding boards until they were ready to throw up that have gotten me through it all.

I confess that one day, I hope that all the struggles will one day find their solutions. I confess that my life is one great big testimonies of how struggles impacted me, but that one day I’ll find peace.

THE MUSIC HAS MAGIC...

Today was an absolutely wonderful experience for me. It was my fourth concert with my men’s chorus here in Birmingham. After a semester of very hard work, we invited friends, family and the community at large to join us on our musical journey. Our director has often said were we to do our concerts a week, a month or at any other point, the place in the journey would be different. Tonight, I think we nailed it. There were some amazing musical moments. Sure, there were some “iffy” moments in there—we’re humans, so it’s no performance is going to be absolutely perfect. But, I am proud to say that I think we were as about damn near perfect as we could ever be!

I began my day, as I begin most every Sunday, by playing for mass. This is a job I love very much. I get to play piano (or organ) and get paid for it? Are you serious? Having a job you love doesn’t get much better than that. Following mass, I came home, gathered my tux, music and necessary items for the choir concert and headed to the venue for our dress rehearsal. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a dress rehearsal that was more fun. Following rehearsal, I enjoyed a good light meal with my choral colleagues, changed clothes and then it was show time!

The men and women of the MCCS performed together on a couple of pieces. My favorite piece is the title piece for the concert “Homeward Bound”—such beautiful and melodic passages bring life to an intense and beautiful text. “Bind me not to the pasture; chain me not to the plow. Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow”. Isn’t that what our goal and calling as human beings?

Here’s my confession: From the first downbeat to the final chord, it was a musical experience I hope I never forget. I have but two regrets. One is that Christopher was not able to perform with us due to his work commitment. It saddened me for him because he had worked so very hard with us this semester and it saddened me personally because I enjoy singing next to him and the camaraderie we share. The other regret is that a lot of the people I had invited to the concert were unable to attend for various reasons.

We live in a city called “The Magic City” and are part of a choral society which takes its name from our city’s moniker. Tonight, truly, to borrow from the lyrics to the popular 1980s television musical countdown show, “The music has magic; you know you can catch it; if you let the songs take control... The sound starts to glisten, the more that you listen, And slowly it turns into gold...” And tonight, the music WAS Magic. The Sounds DID glisten and yes, I believe we produced a product worth its weight in gold. I’m beyond proud of my involvement with this organization…my brothers and sisters who are truly a family to me. I’m so grateful for the ones who braved the rainy weather to lend their support to me, but also to my family performing with me.

DISAPPEARING ACT

And so the thought occurred to me last night in a bit of a pity party “what if I just did a disappearing act?” “What if I suddenly just vanished?” Would it even make a difference? Would my absence make life easier for those around me? Would the elimination of the drama that I bring into their lives make their lives easier? Would anyone even notice? I was so frustrated with myself last night because of an event that had happened weeks ago that I the thought occurred to me that I should just vanish.

Of course most of that is just foolish talk. I love the people in my life far too much to just disappear, to quit communicating with them altogether. I’m sure if I went a day with out emailing, texting, tweeting, facebooking, or foursquaring those who know me best would first be beating down my door to check on me, and then they would call 911. Actually, the day you find that I haven’t done anything on any of those social media sites, PLEASE be sure to check on me. That’s an incredible sign that something just isn’t right.

The thing is, sometimes, even though I’ve come a long way in the self-esteem department in these last several years, I’m still very much a work in progress. I still often feel unworthy of the love and friendship that is in my life. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, I don’t like to create situations where people are uncomfortable (I created one of those a few weeks ago, and it may be a while before I forgive myself, even if the person I am with has mercy enough in his heart to forgive me—let me just say lesson learned. LESSON LEARNED LOUD AND CLEAR!)

Here’s my confession: I still have a lot of “me” to work on. I’m very much a work in progress. Yet, disappearing isn’t the answer to becoming everything I need to become. I get sad sometimes, I get lonely sometimes. I even throw myself a pity party from time to time. As I’ve said, each day I am allowed to wake up, I have been given a new opportunity to either improve myself, feel sorry for myself or to just stay where I am. I hope in each and every day that I accept the gift that is given me, and find ways to foster a better me. For, the truth is, if I foster a better me, I’m going to be a better friend, a better everything, and isn’t that the main point? I’m just glad that I have people who support me even when I am needy (yes, I can be very much so); when I make a complete an total embarrassment of myself and those around me; or when I am just not the friend that I need to be. And, even if I ran away…when I came back, the same issues I left with would be right here waiting on me when I got back. So, what’s the use?