And so the thought occurred to me last night in a bit of a pity party “what if I just did a disappearing act?” “What if I suddenly just vanished?” Would it even make a difference? Would my absence make life easier for those around me? Would the elimination of the drama that I bring into their lives make their lives easier? Would anyone even notice? I was so frustrated with myself last night because of an event that had happened weeks ago that I the thought occurred to me that I should just vanish.
Of course most of that is just foolish talk. I love the people in my life far too much to just disappear, to quit communicating with them altogether. I’m sure if I went a day with out emailing, texting, tweeting, facebooking, or foursquaring those who know me best would first be beating down my door to check on me, and then they would call 911. Actually, the day you find that I haven’t done anything on any of those social media sites, PLEASE be sure to check on me. That’s an incredible sign that something just isn’t right.
The thing is, sometimes, even though I’ve come a long way in the self-esteem department in these last several years, I’m still very much a work in progress. I still often feel unworthy of the love and friendship that is in my life. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, I don’t like to create situations where people are uncomfortable (I created one of those a few weeks ago, and it may be a while before I forgive myself, even if the person I am with has mercy enough in his heart to forgive me—let me just say lesson learned. LESSON LEARNED LOUD AND CLEAR!)
Here’s my confession: I still have a lot of “me” to work on. I’m very much a work in progress. Yet, disappearing isn’t the answer to becoming everything I need to become. I get sad sometimes, I get lonely sometimes. I even throw myself a pity party from time to time. As I’ve said, each day I am allowed to wake up, I have been given a new opportunity to either improve myself, feel sorry for myself or to just stay where I am. I hope in each and every day that I accept the gift that is given me, and find ways to foster a better me. For, the truth is, if I foster a better me, I’m going to be a better friend, a better everything, and isn’t that the main point? I’m just glad that I have people who support me even when I am needy (yes, I can be very much so); when I make a complete an total embarrassment of myself and those around me; or when I am just not the friend that I need to be. And, even if I ran away…when I came back, the same issues I left with would be right here waiting on me when I got back. So, what’s the use?
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One of my favorite quotes is from Liza Minelli, "Do you think I'm needy? Are you sure I'm not needy because I think i am needy" The truth is we are all needy from time to time. We need affirmation from others. The reason can be so selfish as to prove to ourselves that we are who we think we are. It is also comforting to feel that warm gush of love we receive from those who surround us. I think most of us have always wanted to pick up and start over somewhere. Just to hit the reset button on life. Like you say, the problems and issues we have will follow us wherever we go. The queston to ask ourselves, is that if these problems follow us, doesnt that say more about us than our surroundings? No matter how hard, we have to face our own demons and fears. Although, it is easier said than done. I believe we all need some work in that department, myself included. Hang in there and the occaisonal pity party isnt always a bad thing.!! :)
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