REARVIEW MIRROR: A LOOK BACK AT 2008

As we approach the end of 2008, I pause to reflect on where my journey has taken me this year. I began the year with a major life change-Parker and I ended our relationship in late January. That was the beginning of an incredible journey that would last me throughout the year. It wasn’t always easy, and at times there were a few tears shed, but in the end, a friendship with Parker has remained, and his family still treats me as though I’m one of their own.

This was the year that I turned 35—a milestone I’d looked toward for a good long while. My birthday could not have been a better day. I was surrounded by most of my closest friends at a dinner. I vowed that 35 would be a year of change. So far it has been.

My biggest change was also one of the scariest. I joined the Magic City Choral Society-Birmingham’s Gay Men’s Chorus. Walking into that first rehearsal was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I knew not the first soul. That quickly changed, as my fears, inner homophobia and introverted nature melted away and true friendships began to form. In addition to amazing friendships, I experienced growth and enjoyment as a musician and a renewed loved for choral singing.

Through my involvement with the Choral Society there have been many doors opened in my life. In fact, it’s given me the opportunity to create a “family” for myself. I have more friends than I ever imagined I would ever have. I always thought the saying “you can never have too many friends” was just a bunch of crap. However, as I grow and mature, I’m starting to see the wisdom in that statement. There's just such an indescribable feeling knowing that there are people in my life who truly care about me. I'm beginning to taste contentment with life, and am experiencing a peace I thought only elusive.

There have been some down moments this year-the breaking off of the relationship with Parker also means a great deal has changed financially. It means the house must sell-and that is something that still hasn't happened, but I remain positive that it will sell when the time is right. I'm content with the situation and know that there's ultimately nothing we can do but sit and wait. A bittersweet moment happened on my birthday-I received a phone call from my mother-the first time we had spoken in well over two years-the conversation was civil and fairly brief, and I honestly don't recall a great many of the details because it was such a shock. That call was the only contact I received from either of my parents this year, despite efforts I made to reach out through my letters and cards to them. It's a sad, but simple fact of life I've come to accept. I've made contact with my Aunt Jean and her son and his wife through email, but those have been my only interactions with my family of origin this year.

Spiritually speaking, this year has been one of enlightenment. I remain completely, unapologetically "Cafeteria Catholic". My spiritual journey over the last year has introduced me to the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle. His writings in "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" have been life-changing. Learning to live in the NOW has been an incredible principle to learn in my life. Such simple concepts seem easy to implement, but even harder to practice. My belief in God has shifted, and I believe that to be positive. Yet, much to the chagrin of my more fundamental friends, I believe that the path to God is far more simple than we make it out to be, and whether we follow the teachings of Jesus, the Buddha or some other "source", we are all, inevitably, striving for the same outcome, which is to live in communion with God. I do not view God as a punitive God, but rather a God of love and compassion. I imagine that God looks at creation and just scratches his/her head when looking at what a mess we humans have made of such simple concepts. The tenants of almost all religions is the same: Love and Forgiveness. If we could just get that part down, everything else would fall into place.

Here's my confession: As I look back over the last year, I do so with gratitude and thanksgiving. I do so with a peaceful spirit. In looking back, I also look at today and see how far I've come. I breathe this moment, and then it's gone. Such is all of our lives. Our lives are made up of little moments, lived in succession. We don't know if it will be our last, so that's why we should cherish each moment, the now. But, as I look behind, I look forward with hope for what the new year will bring. I look forward with excitement to see friendships grow, for people who have yet to come into my life and for all the experiences which will continue to mold me into the person I am ultimately to become. The year 2008 was, on the whole, a year of positive experiences and growth. Moments of fear, pain, and frustration ultimately led to places of happiness and progress. The truth of today's confession is that I am blessed measure by the people, experiences of my everyday life. True wealth is not measured by bank accounts or possessions. It is measured by the company we keep and the love we give and receive. Thank you for being part of my life this year, and please keep reading!

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

It has been said that Christmas is all in the heart and that home is where the heart is. If those two clichés are indeed true, then I was most certainly home for the holidays. Christmas was not spent with my family of origin. Christmas was, and is, being spent with the family I’ve created for myself-those dear and loving friends I’ve come to love and view as my family.

I haven’t spent a Christmas with my family of origin in six years. To some that may be very sad or even unfathomable. However, to me, it’s just the way things are. And, this year, more than any before, So many things have happened in my life to allow me to expand my family even more. In the coming days as we approach 2009, I will reflect more deeply on the many blessings and changes this year has brought into my life.

Tonight, I pause to reflect on Christmas. I pause to think of my “family”-both my family of origin and my created family. I think of the relationship I have with my family of origin, and it’s difficult to even put into words my thoughts or feelings about them. I was raised by two parents who did the very best they knew how to do to raise me, and I hope, even believe that they are proud of the man they raised. Yet, somewhere along the way, things fell apart. I left the nest and things changed. I changed. They changed. We changed. I don’t know if the relationship will ever be salvaged. I don’t know if, in my heart of hearts, I even want that relationship to be salvaged. Perhaps only time will tell and situations dictate what is to ultimately transpire. I don’t get them, they don’t get me. We were seemingly plopped into the middle of each others' lives and nobody really knew what to do. Maybe that’s just how these things go.

On the other hand, especially this year, I’ve been so fortunate to have had amazing people walk into my life. I’ve lived in Birmingham for nearly eleven years, yet somehow I only started “living” in Birmingham this year. I’ve met so many people who have left indelible marks on my life. I have made some of the dearest friends of my life in the last several months. Sometimes it seems too good to be true—that people actually give a damn about me. But, I guess the truth of the matter is that only in the last year or so have I even started giving a damn about myself. I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to grow beyond the introversion, fears and self-doubt that have, for far too long, held me back.

Christmas Day, 2008 was spent with my family. I spent a couple of hours with Lane, his ex wife and their children. I spent the rest of the day with another friend from my men’s chorus and a group of his friends. It was a very low-key kind of day, but very satisfying to my soul.

Here’s my confession: As I continue to evolve as a person, an individual, I see so many wonderful things happening in my life. I certainly had thoughts about my family of origin on Christmas Day. But it’s the family that I’ve created, the warmth and the love that I receive each and every day from the people I’ve allowed into my life that have touched me most this holiday season.

The Advent and Christmas season this year found me in social situations I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined myself. Yet, it is those situations that have been refining me, molding me and redefining who I am and who I thought I would be. And, in the midst of the tumult of this thing called life, it is from my “family”, that I’ve been given the greatest moments of peace. The journey is far from over. There are many more tomorrows and many more experiences. While I know that people will come and go from my life, be they friends or “partners”, I know that each and every life that touches mine more often than not leaves me in some way better than they found me. That’s something you can’t unwrap on Christmas morning. And the greatest thing you can realize is that, as long as you are surrounded by the people you love, be it physically or just in thought, or a quick phone call or random text message, that you are home. Home IS where the heart is, and I can’t think of a better place to be for the holidays than “home”.

A GIFT OF SONG

It has been several days since I’ve updated my blog, much to my own disappointment. I had planned to update it more often, especially throughout this holiday season. However, the many activities surrounding this season have brought fatigue and procrastination.

A lot of my blog entries float around in my head for several days before they actually are allowed to come to life. This one is certainly no different, and I’ve resolved that I will not go to bed tonight without breathing life into these words.

Over the last few weeks I have been riding a roller coaster of emotion. These last few months of my life have been filled with so many intangible gifts. I’ve received the gift of song, the gift of love and the gift of friends who love me in ways I never expected to be loved.

My own internal homophobia and introversion almost caused me to miss one of the things of which I’m most proud. However, I’m so glad for whatever forces caused me to walk through those doors to that first choir rehearsal with Birmingham’s gay men’s chorus. It is through this group that I’ve blossomed most. I’ve found my voice, friends and a great deal of peace with myself.

Last Thursday night was the culmination of a semester’s work with the Magic City Choral Society as we performed our Holiday Concert. Our sound was absolutely majestic, and one of the crowning moments of my life. If I were to die tonight, I could honestly say I’ve done something I’m proud of and that I’ve been a part of something much bigger than myself. I had several people in the audience that who came to support me. Among those friends were Parker, my ex, along with his boyfriend, Parker’s parents, Truvy and a couple of other people. This gave me an opportunity to invite people who are a huge part of my life into one of the most intimate areas of my life. Never before have I been so proud to be part of a choral ensemble. Never before have I enjoyed performing for the love of song. But this time was different. I knew that what I, along with the other men in the choir, was doing was important. It had worth, value.

Here’s my confession: There are a lot of unanswered questions in my life right now. But, in spite of that, I’m incredibly blessed. Questions will all find their solutions. The beauty is that, as we prepare in the next couple of days for the celebration of Christmas, that the most incredible gifts I’ll receive this year have already been received, and don’t come wrapped in packages with bows. These most cherished gifts are the gifts of love, warmth and friendship. These are the gifts that will continue to give and grow with the dawning of each new day and each new year.

Questions about family, relationships, work, money and so on consume a lot of my time, but the really important place for my focus to be is right here, today, in the present moment, for that is where I find myself surrounded by, both physically and emotionally, people who accompany me along life’s road.

Sure, there are days when I’m not having a mountaintop experience. There are days that the pain and frustration are very real. But, somehow, in the grand scheme of things, the days spent in the valley are more bearable knowing that I’ve been the recipient of so many wonderful gifts. The gift of song, which takes on so many different elements, is present in my life.

I would not be where I am today-a new person, a reinvented person, a person worthy of love, a person open to newness, a person people, it would seem, are proud to associate with. As I often say, the best “things” in life, are rarely “things”. They are the people and experiences that make life worth living. And so it is for me. A gift of song, is a gift of love.

I WONDER AS I WANDER...

Advent is a season of hope, promise and good will. This year, especially, I find that we are truly in need of these three elements in our world. Our bank accounts are tight, our country is at war and we may find that we become more aware of already strained relationships with those we love. Where is the hope, the promise and good will in all of this?

In my own life, I struggle with a home that must sell, familial relationships that have seen better days and a bank account that barely makes ends meet. I struggle with my own hopes, dreams and independence. I fight with insecurities, fears and a few regrets.
I think it's probably natural for us to wonder at times what the grass is like on the other side of the fence. Is it truly greener, or are we better off staying where we are? It's been nearly a year since Parker and I parted ways. I've done a lot of growing in that time, yet I often wonder if I've truly arrived at that place in my life towards which I've been working so hard. I wonder if the life I'm living is truly where I'm supposed to be or if I got off the exit a little too early? I wonder how hope, peace and contentment feel? Are these tangible or ever-elusive? How do I know if I've "arrived"?

Here's my confession: I'm a different person than I was a year ago. The progress has been slow and painful at times, but, at others, and for the most part, it has been intense and rewarding. Yet, I know that I am a work in progress. It would be easy to sit here and complain about the things that I want to change in my life, but, if I'm being truly honest, the good in my life far outweighs any bad. The people and experiences in my life are gratifying beyond measure. As I go through this season of Advent, I pause to reflect on the experiences that have brought me to this moment. I pause, reflecting on how far I've come, but how much farther I have left to go. I know that one day, when the time is right, the house is going to sell, the economy is going to improve and all relationship issues will find resolution. It's as though I'm going through my own personal advent.

GRACE AND GRATITUDE 12.06.08

I often repeat myself each week in my gratitude blog. With that in mind, I’m pausing to look a little more deeply, a little more specifically at the things for which I am most grateful.

As I look back over the week, I am grateful for moments of solitude. I’ve had a few moments of downtime, moments to just spend by myself, to be introspective and attempt to focus on where my life is heading, what I want from life, what paths I need to be taking.

This week, I enjoyed a performance with the Choral Society celebrating Birmingham AIDS Outreach’s Open House. I’m so grateful for the camaraderie I enjoy with my brothers in this amazing group. It is absolutely without a doubt the best thing I have done for myself this year. I’ve grown in countless ways. As we were singing, I realized that I am now an active part of Birmingham’s gay community. It was a humbling and surreal feeling. BAO does such great work for the community. I’m grateful to have a small role in their work, because while I don’t believe that I personally know anyone who has AIDS, I know it is important for these individuals to have a place of refuge and support.

The weather has been very cold these last few days. As I was taking a shower the other morning, the thought came to me as the hot water was flowing down on me, just how very blessed I am be able to take a warm shower, to live in a warm house, to have clothing, shelter, and so many things that are all too easily taken for granted.

I’m grateful for the sacred in my life. As a spiritual person, my beliefs, my ideas and my relationship with my God have gone through a great deal of transition throughout the last few months and years. I’m grateful for the belief that God loves me in spite of the many things in my life that are unanswered spiritually, things that are difficult or the beliefs that I have that go against the commonly accepted “norm”.

Here’s my confession: There’s no way I can possibly step back and deny that I am a blessed individual. There may not be a lot of money in my bank account, but I am wealthy because I have friends who care deeply about me, I have talents which are growing. I’m grateful to continue to be employed and to live in a country where I’m able to enjoy the freedom to live my life. Peace be with you, my friend.

WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS?

We are fast approaching the season of Christmas (to those of you not attune with the liturgical calendar, we are technically in the season of Advent until December 24) . There are choir rehearsals, concerts in which to participate, parties to attend, gifts to purchase, cards to mail and halls to deck. With all the running around, all the festivities of this season, it is almost impossible to settle down and really tap into the well-intended meaning of the season. But, somewhere, deep within, my thoughts are not on Christmas at all, rather they are elsewhere. My thoughts turn introspective, pondering the path my life has taken in the last twelve months, and, most certainly where I am today.

It seems as though almost every thought has something to do with relationships of some sort, money, work, music, and trying to keep my head above water. It's sometimes difficult to find the words to express what's going on in my head. I'm a different person than I've ever been before. I'm accustomed to being an emotionally needy person, but it seems that part of me has changed. As I keep moving forward, I find that I receive much peace and solace in moments of solitude, although I must admit that having a new and exciting family of friends as my social network is something I cherish deeply as well. It is most certainly a balancing act I've yet to master.

I've made strides in recent weeks and months with my family, having established some contact with my aunt and a cousin. Yet, I continually contemplate what type of relationship I really want with my family, especially with my parents. I cannot honestly answer that question. I continue to write and harp on that relationship, but still, it's not simple, not a cut and dried answer. There's an awful lot of grey area in there. Especially at this time of the year, it should be easy to let bygones be bygones and start a new era. Oh, that it were only that easy. The raw truth of the matter is that the Christmases of my childhood will never be again. No matter how close or distant I am to my family, those "perfect" memories I have of the imperfect Christmases Past are just that-memories. I'm sure there'll be more to come in future blogs about family.

Here's my confession: This is a difficult time in the life of our country and its people. We are in an uncertain economic time, a time of political change, and a time of war. It's no wonder many of us are asking the question "Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you?" I suppose it takes an effort to be merry and happy when there are so many "things" around us that compete to steal that joy. With all the good in my life-friends, people who love me, a home, etc, etc, etc...I'm just not feeling the spirit of the season yet.

For months I've neglected writing this blog on a regular basis. I find that I need to write it as a catharsis for my soul. My goal is to blog at least four days (hopefully more) each week to get back in the habit as we approach Christmas. Advent is a time of new beginning-especially a new liturgical year-but couldn't that also be extended to a bit of a trial run for new years' resolutions, a time of preparation for Christmas, a time of readying the way for ourselves to approach life with a bit of a different perspective? I could no doubt benefit from that, as I'm sure you can, as well.

COME, YE THANKFUL PEOPLE, COME

As we come to the end of this Thanksgiving weekend, I pause to reflect on the things for which I am most thankful. I chronicle my gratitude each week, and I realize that I often repeat the same things each week. My gratitude remains consistent in a world that is ever-changing.

I look at where I was a year ago and I where I am today and I see a person who has changed so much for the better. It’s not been an easy road, but it has been an incredible adventure. There have been a few tears along the road, but there have been many more laughs, smiles and moments of growth.

I am thankful for this blog which has given me a place to share my thoughts, my growth and my fears over the last year. I’m grateful for those of you who read so faithfully.

It would be easy to sit here and bemoan the loss of so many things in my life over the last year. However, I think it more fitting to consider the things that I have gained. I’ve gained a “family” of friends I never expected. I’ve grown as a musician in ways that blow my mind. As I was sitting at my piano practicing music for Christmas this evening, I was blown away by the many ways I’ve grown as an accompanist over the last year-I was playing a piece I would have just looked at this time last year and said “no way”. I’ve accepted more challenges musically. I’ve said it so many times. Music is stirring in my soul, my spirit. That’s amazing to me.

I’m thankful for the people who have welcomed me into their lives, for the many things in everyday life that are easily taken for granted-good health, a home, a job, clothing, pets and the list could go on and on and on.

Here’s my confession: Even my worst day is better than many people’s best day. I am so thankful for the blessings of freedom, friendship and love that are in my life each and every day. I’m thankful that I had many opportunities to celebrate Thanksgiving this year; that I had so many invitations extended to me. I’m aware that many people were not so fortunate. I’m thankful for many personal blessings and changes happening in my life. And, as I go forth through each day, it is my hope and prayer that I will live a life of thanksgiving and gratitude

GRATITUDE 11.21.08

Another week has come and gone, another week in which my blog has sat here, mostly neglected. Another week has come and gone, another week in which I've thought a great deal about the wonderful blessings and reasons for gratitude in my life.

I'm grateful for all the simple things in my life. This week, for example, a brief email from my aunt with whom I am estranged, who sent me a message informing me of the birth of her grandson. The email brought a smile to my face-for no other reason than the simple fact that she remembered to send me a message. That simple gesture seemed like a huge deal to me, especially given our relationship. I'm grateful that I found my cousin and his wife on facebook this week, and that we have been in touch. I had lunch with a friend today, just the two of us, visiting and sharing the goings on in our lives.

I'm always grateful for the people in my life. I have a wide circle of people who care for me. For someone who has spent the vast majority of his life feeling alone, it is a great feeling to know that I do have friends who are there for me in spite of the fact that sometimes I'm not the friend that I should be to them. I've always thought the phrase "you can never have too many friends" was hokey. Yet, as I am getting older, I'm finding that having an extended "family" of friends is not a bad thing. We are naturally going to be closer to some friends than others, but friends add so much to our lives, no matter the role they play in our lives.

I'm grateful for quiet, reflective moments in the midst of the chaos of life, for music that makes me smile, for the baths taken by candlelight, for arms that reach to embrace me, to massage me, for love that flows so freely. I'm grateful for the beauty that surrounds me and for blessings all too easily taken for granted. Do any of us truly pause to consider the miracle of each new day? I know I don't, until something tragic comes along to remind me of how fragile life truly is. I'm grateful that even though I waste more time in a day than I care to admit, that I am continually blessed with more days, more moments.

I'm grateful that I woke up this morning in a warm bed, in a warm house and had a happy warm cat sleeping beside me. I took a warm shower and put on warm clothes and headed to a job I'm blessed to have and that added money to my bank account. I'm reminded that so many people in this city, state, country and even around the world are not so blessed. I'm conscious that, like so many others, I'm just a paycheck away from having to rely on the kindness of friends and strangers. That's such a humbling thought, yet I know that most of us don't pause to give that one moment's consideration.

Here's my confession: I'm blessed with an overabundance of love, friends and "things" in my life. As I spend time pondering the many things in my life, I find peace and comfort in knowing that life still goes on. From the rising of the sun to its setting, I am rich. I'm rich in blessings, rich in relationships, rich in who I am. I never want my gratitude to be trite or contrived. It is my hope that my gratitude flows from a place deep within, and is filled with honesty and sincerity most genuine emotions I can possibly express. It is always my hope, my prayer, that as I count my many blessings, that you, also, will pause for a moment to remember the good (and even the bad) in your life-for all we experience has the ability touch us, to move us, to humble us. Even on our worst day, it may be hard to see, but there is a glimmer of goodness to be found there on the surface. May you always be inspired to live a life of gratitude, and may your days be richly blessed.

GRATITUDE 11.16.08

I usually do my gratitude blog on Fridays, but for the last couple of weeks, I have neglected it. Yet, tonight, I feel the need to truly pause and reflect on those elements of my life for which I am most grateful.

In a world which is full of economic problems, war, political division and so much pain and confusion, I am grateful that I have a job, a place to live, and people who care for me.

I am grateful for those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, who check on me when I don’t blog for a few days, friends who leave comments for me and are truly invested in my life in so many ways.

Yesterday I spent almost an entire day in solitude, except for the brief period of time I had to run to pick up some items at the store. It was a great change for me, a chance to slow down and catch up on things that I’ve been neglecting around the house, a time to just be…a time to breathe, no schedule to keep. Just me, the cats and a house to clean…sounds crazy, but there is much relaxation in organizing and cleaning the house. I’m grateful for those simple moments in life.

I’m grateful to live in a country where I have the freedom to be myself. While our country has moved so forward in its acceptance of gay rights, we still have a long way to go. I don’t consider myself an activist; I do look forward to the day when sexual orientation is no longer an issue. Generations to come are going to look back at us and shake their heads wondering what the big deal was about two men or two women wanting to marry one another, much the way that we do today when we look back and realize that not too long ago, interracial marriage was not allowed.

I’m so grateful for the many friends I have in this life. There are so many rare treasures, so many wonderful, priceless gifts. I’m constantly reminded that I blessed beyond measure.

Here’s my confession: In spite of things that are going on in the world around me, I do have so many things for which to be grateful. I don’t always find the words to express my true gratitude, but my heart is full, and so is my life. I’m rich…perhaps not in my bank account, but in the people in my life and the day to day experiences of life which make life worth life.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS...

I've been thinking for months about his blog, and I think it's time to bring it to life. I've been thinking about a few of my favorite things. What is it in this life that truly brings me enjoyment, pleasure, happiness? It's a difficult question for most of us to answer, and I wonder if any of us truly give more than just a generic answer when the question is asked.

What are a few of my favorite things? I love rainy days. I'll take a gloomy, grey-skied day any day over a bright sunny one. Music. I have eclectic tastes in music, ranging the gamut from Classical to Country. I am a musician-a trained vocalist, a keyboardist and I am absolutely in my element when I am accompanying a singer or group of singers or playing a prelude before Mass. It's spiritual, and flows from deep within, although I'm first to admit my imperfections as a musician. I don't always hit the right notes, I don't always play in perfect rhythm, I'm not always on top of my game, but playing music, enriching people's lives with the musical abilities I've been given is one of the happiest things in my life. I'm a vocalist, and, if I'm being honest, that's where my true talent lies, I'd still rather be a keyboardist. However, as I wrote earlier this week, I love joining my voice with the men's chorus. It's such an amazing sound, such a sense of contribution and accomplishment. I love the people in my life. I've been blessed with some very close and dear friends, both near and far in distance, but always close in heart. I love the person I am becoming, the support my friends have given me and the love that I feel in my life each and every day.

People watching, Birmingham, The Pita Stop, The Village Tavern, Starbucks Coffee, Coconut Cream Pie, Edgar's Bakery Cupcakes, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake, Miss Betty's Mac & Cheese, The Golden Girls, Will & Grace, Snuggling under a warm blanket, moments of solitude, cats, social events, facebook, text messages, connecting with old and new friends, watching local TV News, writing, reading books which allow me to think about spirituality, such as the works of Eckhart Tolle, reading books that make me laugh such as the writings of David Sedaris, riding roller coasters, spiritual things and the afterlife, the dying process, the solitude of a cemetery, organizing things around the house, eliminating as much clutter as possible, cleaning the house tends to calm me down, crimson (roll tide!), massages, bubble baths, candles and just being lazy.

Here's my confession: Those are a few of my favorite things. Even in tough economic and social times in our country, it's good to pause and reflect on the good things in life, the things that bring us pleasure, joy and peace. I'm sure if I put a little more thought into it, my list could be even longer, but this is a good snapshot of the things that are enjoyable in my life. Life is, on so many levels, very good. We'd all do well to focus on the positive.

RECONCILIATION: REACHING OUT

I sat down the other day and attempted to write letters to my parents. Much like the writing of this particular blog, I had trouble coming up with the right words to say. My mostly non-existent relationship with my parents, and extended family for that matter, leaves me scratching my head wondering what to say.

The main thought that comes out in my mind is the question of whether or not I truly want reconciliation and what that reconciliation would accomplish. Those are difficult questions. They are painful questions. I have no doubt in my mind that my parents did the absolute best job they knew how to do in raising me. The problem is that we are from different worlds. I can't relate to their world, and they certainly can't relate to mine. I don't believe that makes them bad parents, nor does it make me a bad son. It just makes us different.

The breakdown of the relationship didn't happen overnight. It happened over a period of time-months, perhaps even years. There were many little things that built up into one explosive email I composed and exchanged nearly two and a half years ago that led to awkward silence. I don't truly believe that at the heart of the issue is anything to do with my sexual orientation. I may be wrong, but my gut instinct tells me that it goes much, much deeper than that. It's a breakdown of communication from way, way back. We're just different people. We should be able to accept that and move on. But, pride and ego gets in the way. Those are huge barriers—not impossible barriers, but difficult nonetheless to chip away and maneuver.

Do I truly want reconciliation and what would it accomplish? In a way, yes, I would like reconciliation on several levels. I have faced the fact that neither my parents nor I are getting any younger. Our time on this earth is getting shorter every single day, it's one less day we'll have to make amends, to share our lives. Once we die, there's no hope for reconciliation. My biggest fear is standing there at the funeral home, looking at my parents' remains knowing that I didn't do everything in my power to bring about peace and knowing that there will never be another opportunity. Reconciliation is important because I'm their only child. Reconciliation is important because it is the right thing to do. What will reconciliation accomplish? I'm not so naive as to believe that reconciliation means that we will not have issues and that past hurts and resentments, etc are going to just magically go away. Yet, my hope is that reconciliation can create a dialogue, a bit of common ground. Peace. Reconciliation will accomplish a clear conscience in all our lives. It must be noted, however, that reconciliation and resolution are not necessarily one and the same.

Here's my confession: Opening up a dialogue between the present and the past is what must happen. Certainly, the most direct way of accomplishing this is to do the one thing I'm just not ready to do-pick up the phone and talk. I have to be honest and say that is one thing that scares me more than just about anything in the entire world. As much as I've grown over the last year-plus of my life, the one single area where I've not found peace and comfort in my life is in the relationship status with my family. Most people can't fathom such a rift. And, honestly, it's hard for me to fathom, too. But, it's also hard for me to imagine families who are so close to one another. Even still, I'll keep reaching out with an olive branch of reconciliation until the day it comes to fruition. Just like everything else in life, I have to be patient and approach it one day, one precious moment at a time.

DUSTING OFF THE BLOG

My blog has been sitting here, silent, collecting dust for a couple of weeks. The truth of the matter is that I've had a lot on my mind, but every time I've sat down to write anything, I've had a case of writer's block. So many thoughts, just stagnating there inside my head. Each thought, it seems, seeking a direction to flow, a solution to each question. Still, nothing comes.

I've been through a whirlwind of change in the last year of my life. I've ended one relationship, done a lot of work on myself as an individual and have found a level of comfort with myself that I have never known before. The most significant decision I have made over the last year is joining the Magic City Choral Society. Through this group I have grown beyond my wildest expectations. It has not only provided me a musical outlet, but a much-needed social outlet as well. I've been blessed with friendships, contacts and relationships I would have never known were it not for my involvement with this organization. When I first joined the group, my shell was just beginning to crack, but now, I feel so comfortable and confident around my peers in the choir. I love the camaraderie I get from this group. Because at my very core, I am an introvert, it takes me a little while to warm up around people. But, once I warm up, I am very comfortable around people. I'm so amazed at just how very close I've become to this group of guys. We are brought together by our common bond of music, and, for most of us, our sexual orientation. The product of that connection is a sense of community, and for me, a place where I really belong, a place where I can grow as a person, a musician and a member of the society as a whole.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have people in my life who care about me on many levels. I am in the early stages of a new romantic relationship, a relationship unlike any other I've ever experienced. I'm much more confident and less needy than I've ever been in a relationship before. That's a by-product of the growth I've experienced over the last year. Yet, at the same time, it's such a different feeling that at times my true nature doesn't know how to handle the changes. I have to constantly remind myself to live for today, to be present in this moment, for it is all that I truly have. It's difficult to not focus on the future of the relationship and to just let things take their natural course, but I'm learning. I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning to be—and that alone is a huge step in the right direction.

Sometimes the most mundane moments of our lives are the greatest moments of our lives. It's the smallest events in our lives that produce the greatest memories. Sometimes just sitting at the piano practicing, eating a bowl of ice cream or sharing simple moments with friends bring about the greatest experiences in our lives. While the 'mundane moments' may not always be the most comfortable moments, it is in the stillness of these moments that we most often grow. Life is full of complexities, questions, fears and uncertainties. Our response to these moments is what defines us. We can either wallow in self-pity or take things in stride. We can focus on the negative, the past, the unknown or we can live in the now, focus on the gift we have right now, at this present moment.

Here's my confession: Living in the now sounds like a remarkably simple concept, but in reality, it is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I've been so focused on the baggage from the past that I've been finding it not so easy to live in the present. It's so easy to focus on the flaws of relationships past, past hurts, fears and insecurities, rather than to live in the present with all its positive attributes. My life abounds with blessings, friendships and, in spite of the few negative things that are in my life, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I've come so far, but I know I've so far left to go. But, there's only one way I can get to the final destination, and that is one day, one step, one precious moment at a time. Music, sweet music, abounds in my soul right now. My spirit is dancing again. I am loved. I am loveable. And I'm finally starting to get that. Now, if I can just remember that, remember that I have friends who truly care, and that no matter how low I go, I'm not alone, and most importantly, to savor each and every moment as it comes, because that's truly the only moment I'm promised.

GRATITUDE 10.24.08

It has been another week, another chapter in the ebb and flow of living that is my life. There have been some truly serendipitous moments in this week, some moments of enlightenment and some emotional highs and lows. Yet, through it all, I’ve been grateful—deeply grateful—for each moment that has passed, has somehow left me as a better person.

I’m grateful for my dear friends, who have been so supportive as my life has taken twists and turns that I didn’t even see coming myself, most obviously my new relationship with Lane.

It’s now been just over three months since my 35th birthday. Prior to my birthday, I was so excited because I had vowed that 35 would be a pivotal year for me, a year of marked change. Today, while having a very personal conversation with a dear friend, and I realized that there have already been so many changes. Joining the Choral Society was the single biggest step I’ve taken to this point. That single gutsy move I took to walk into that first rehearsal has changed my life forever. I’ve developed a network of friends who are like a family to me, and as an added benefit, I am able to make music with these men. I met my wonderful boyfriend through the choir. I’m just amazed, overwhelmed and filled with gratitude when I think of the gifts this group has brought into my life. There are other exciting opportunities looming on the horizon and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you as they happen.

I’m grateful again as I recall the gifts that music has brought into my life. I’m grateful to have found my voice again, to be able to use it and for my skills as both a keyboardist and accompanist are growing.

I’m grateful that I was able to meet many of Lane’s closest friends tonight, and that it was such a comfortable experience for me. I’m grateful for the word “Love” and for the many things it means. It’s often unexpected and surreal.

Here’s my confession: I’ve been walking around through many emotional highs and lows over the last week. I’m starting to come down from a huge emotional high and starting to settle back down into reality. Despite fears and conflicted emotions, I am grateful for the experiences that have come, and are coming my way. I am finding that I’m often at a loss for words these days. Yet, all in all, there’s so much more gratitude in my life and I’m looking forward to the many blessings still to come.

THROWING CAUTION TO THE WIND

I have a boyfriend. I’m in a relationship. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I was supposed to be in relationship “time out” until after Valentine's Day, 2009. But, I’m sitting here, gathering my thoughts as I sit on my boyfriend’s sofa. Oh, I’ve heard my friends’ concerns: “Take it slow.” “Enjoy it.” “Don’t rush.” “Be Careful.” These are no doubt phrases I’ve heard over and over the last few weeks from my friends, who because they are my friends have my best interest in mind. And, try as I might, it seems that I’ve thrown caution to the wind. That’s not to say that I’m being ridiculous, but I admit that things have gone faster that I’d have ever imagined they would. But, in talking with other couples, I take solace in the fact that you can’t put a timeline on love and relationships. Each relationship takes its own timetable. And, sometimes you just know.

The only thing I know to do is to live each day and experience it fully. It’s hard to keep myself from looking into the future, wondering and dreaming about what the tomorrows hold for Lane and me. I wonder if it’s wrong to even look into the tomorrows. I sometimes wonder if we’ve both lost our minds. Then, we look at one another, and I remember all our commonalities, and I think maybe, just maybe, I’m not that crazy after all. The future is still being written, and today is truly all we have.


Here’s my confession: Even though I’ve changed a lot in the last year and a half, there’s still a lot of fear in me. I bring a lot of baggage with me into this relationship. I wonder what I have to do to keep things alive, to keep the same mistakes that happened in my two previous relationships from happening again. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I have to learn, and find, that delicate balance in my life where I don’t lose “me”, as I so often do. It’s all about striking that balance so that there’s the individual and the couple. So, I’ve thrown caution to the wind. Falling in love is a mysterious thing. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Even if it all falls apart, which I hope it doesn’t, I’m better for the experience. I’d be lying if I were to say that I’m not scared about where things are heading, and how fast they’ve gone. But, at the same time, I am grateful that my path has crossed with someone who loves me, respects me and that all indications point to someone with whom a bright future is not out of the question. I find myself physically and emotionally drained these days, but, as I’ve said before, Life IS good, and it’s only getting better with the dawning of each new day. It’s definitely an exciting time to be alive, and I’m blessed to have found someone who wants to share my todays and tomorrows with me.

GRATITUDE 10.17.08

Tonight as I contemplate the things about which I am most grateful, I realize that this has been a tremendous week and that I have so many blessings for which to be thankful.

So many changes are happening in my life right now. There are many blessings that music is bringing into my life. I would have never dreamed after I graduated with my degree in music that I would actually find enjoyment later in life. After graduating, music had lost much of its passion. Years of analyzing chords, studying the history of music, singing in various choirs, supposedly learning correct vocal techniques and having theories pounded into my head had robbed me of the beauty that is music. Since I began accompanying for church a little over two years ago, I’ve begun to grow in so many ways as a musician. And, in the two months since I joined the Magic City Choral Society, I’ve discovered the hidden beauty in singing that I had long forgotten. In addition, I’m awed by the friendships I’m forging through my involvement with this group.

Also this week, I’ve been reminded of many wonderful memories of my college days after looking through photos that friends have been sharing on facebook. Many of us have been reminded of memories long forgotten and have enjoyed reminiscing about those days gone by, and the beauty of our young adulthood and lasting relationships.

My new relationship with Lane continues to be a point of gratitude for me. Although it’s only been a few weeks, it seems like much longer. Each new day shows us new commonalities, new connections and a hope for the future. These new feelings are so amazing. I’m grateful for the love and gifts he is bringing into my life. I’m grateful for the love and support of my dear friends, and I’m so anxious to share with them this very happy part of my life.

Here’s my confession: Despite a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows these last few weeks, I am full of gratitude for each of the blessings in my life. Just being alive to experience these new experiences is amazing to me. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn good. I’m so grateful for the people who are in my life and who encourage me each and every day. I’m grateful for laughter and tears. I’m grateful to be alive, to be the person I am today, and, while I’m certainly trying to live in the Now, I can’t help looking into a future that looks bright and beautiful. It’s a future full of hope and dreams, and I can’t imagine asking for anything more.

LOVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!

As I announced in my last blog, there’s a new relationship in my life. There I was, just going along with the flow of life, and out of the blue, there it came. This wasn’t supposed to happen this soon. But, happen it did. And, then, unexpectedly my life turned into this love song. It’s been a roller coaster of emotion.

After my break-up earlier this year, I had thought maybe I would never love again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself out there, to take that risk. Then I started dating a little here and there. I took a little time to get to know myself better. Still, it wasn’t supposed to happen this soon—or was it? Serendipity took over. And now, I’m looking at a life I never imagined.

It has been said that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. How true that is. A year ago I was struggling in a relationship that just wasn’t working. Parker and I were barely hanging on. Then, the first of the year came along and shortly after we ended the relationship. A learning experience, for sure, the entire five years we spent together. The months that followed the break-up were a learning experience as well, as I learned to live with and get to know myself all over again.

In August, I made the bravest step of the entire year by joining the Magic City Choral Society. I began to see a wider social circle for myself. There were friends out there I never expected to make. Relationships I never expected to forge. I was content with my evenings practicing piano, petting the cats and watching DVDs of The Golden Girls. Life had something else in mind. Now, my social life has exploded, and a now a real, genuine, loving relationship is emerging.

Here’s my confession: I’ve spent the last couple of weeks questioning if I’ve moved too fast, if this is REALLY love, if I’m just crazy, and on and on and on. However, tonight, as I was driving down the interstate, I realized I can’t control what’s going on. Love is not a rational emotion. Love is something you have to just experience. It has ups and downs, highs and lows. So, even though there are many questions in my heart and mind right now, the best thing I can possibly do is just go along for the ride, to live in the now. Wherever the road takes Lane and me, we’re going to go together. The lines of communication are strong, our fears and concerns are out in the open and, our relationship is a blank canvas, waiting to be filled with many vibrant hues. I have someone who loves me, adores me, and understands me. How could I possibly allow myself to doubt that or fear to cloud the experience? I can’t. I’ll remind myself of that as we snuggle up to one another, and even as moments of difficulty creep in.

Gratitude 10.11.08

Welcome back to my blog. I’ve taken a bit of an unintentional hiatus from writing and am hopeful in the next few days and weeks to get back in the habit of sharing my life with you, my loyal friends and readers.

I have written recently about how grateful for my involvement in the Magic City Choral Society. I’ve been blessed in so many ways in the nearly two months since I walked into that very first rehearsal. I’m most grateful for the friendships and relationships I’d have never had the opportunity or courage to develop otherwise. I am grateful for the music which is now stirring in my life, both figuratively and literally.

I am grateful for the new love in my life, Lane. Ours is a relationship that is at the beginning stages, but we have a connection that seems as though we’ve know one another for years. It’s as though we are two pieces to a puzzle and we just fit. Who knows where the road may lead us, but the timing feels right for me to open up and give my heart to someone who will take care of it. For those who do not know, we met as part of the Choral Society.

I’m grateful for the love and support of my dear friends. Even if they think I’ve absolutely lost my mind, these people who truly have my best interests at heart have voiced opinions and concerns, then wished me well. I could ask for nothing less.

I’ve always thought I didn’t have a lot of friends. However, I am reminded on an almost daily basis, whether it is in person or through my growing list of friends on facebook, I’m truly blessed with friends both near and far. After years of feeling like a misfit of sorts, it feels good to reach the point in my life where I feel like I’ve arrived at this peaceful place in my life. I’m grateful for the wisdom that comes with adulthood and the connection I’ve made with people from my past, people with whom I’d never had expected to make a connection.

We, as a people are at a terribly difficult time in our country economically, and certainly that economic difficulty has not just passed me by, but I’m grateful for the minor blessings in my life that are allowing me to get through.

Here’s my confession: I’ve missed writing my blog. I’ve missed sharing the deeply personal events of my life with you through my blog. The last few weeks of my life have been an like an extreme roller coaster, in each and every area of my life-love, finances, and the future. I’m trying to keep my thoughts grounded in here and now. Dreams I’d long buried are coming back to the top of my mind. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I discover the beauty that my tomorrows will hold for me. Thanks for reading. My blog will be back in full force within in a few days.

MY BLOG: GRATITUDE FOR A YEAR IN THE LIFE

It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since I wrote my first blog. So much has happened in this life of mine since then. There have been ups, downs, highs and lows. And, you, my friends, my readers, have been faithful to read, comment and encourage me each step along the way.

I'm hopeful that in coming days and weeks to be more faithful in making entries, as I continue to grow. There are many exciting things going on in my life right now. Friendships are being formed, shells are being broken and, while I'll admit that there's a bit of anxiety in my life right now, I'm excited at the twists and turns life has taken over these last couple of months.

So often I've written about hitting a brick wall, feeling like I had reached the end of my growth, but, more often than not, within a few days, the growth cycle starts right back up again. Thank you for following me as I've dealt with my anxieties, my break-up, my personal growth and my off-the-wall ramblings about life.

Here's my confession: This blog is an important part of my life, and your comments have been an important part of the last year. This has been my sounding board. Often times I'm more confused than grounded, often times I'm more distraught than at peace, but all in all, I believe that my life is headed in the right direction. I have to constantly remind myself to stay focused on the NOW, because that's truly all that I have. The last year has been filled with new friendships, new experiences, and in many ways, a new me. I'm excited to see where I'll be a year from now.

You may realize that I missed my gratitude blog for last week. It really wasn't intentional, but today, I express my deepest gratitude for accompanying me on this journey. Please keep reading. There's so much more to come...

GRATITUDE 09.19.08

My weekly gratitude is a little late this week, but that doesn’t mean my gratitude is diminished at all. As I think of the past week, I realize, as always, there is so much for which to be grateful.

I am most grateful this week for new friendships that are coming into my life, mostly a result of my involvement with the Magic City Choral Society. The last month of my life has brought so much enjoyment in my life, and I’ve broken a large part of my shell. Feeling more comfortable in my own skin, who I am as a person, a musician and finding a “voice” as it were in my community are bringing much gratitude into my life.

I am grateful for the special friendship that is developing between Clark and me. Who knows exactly where it will lead, but what I do know is that a beautiful friendship is developing. Our growing friendship is an exercise in patience on my part as well as self-discipline.

Here’s my confession: I have so many things for which to be grateful. Despite moments of fear, insecurity, depression, and some confusion, I have many more blessings in my life than I can count and, looking over the last few months, I’ve come a long way, baby. Even still, I’ve a long way to go.

GRATITUDE 09.12.08

This has been a strange week for me. I've experienced a plethora of emotions-running the gamut from happy, content and peaceful to anxious, frightened and on the brink of tears. Yet, through it all, I've endured.

A friend serendipitously reappeared in my life this week, while new friendships, I believe, are emerging. I'm learning many lessons along the path my life has taken. These lessons aren't always easy, but I'm finding, no matter the difficulty, they are essential to my growth as a human and an individual.

My house has been on the market now for nearly three months. Seems like it's been years. Frustration rears its ugly head sometimes. But, I try to pause in those moments of frustration to be grateful that I even have a home, for there are others are not as blessed. It is a financial burden I'd rather not endure, but again, I remind myself that it's ok. I just try to put it out of my mind, but that's often easier said than done.

I'm grateful to be alive. Life is full of twists and turns I'm sure I'll never completely understand. There are moments of celebration and moments I'm nearly reduced to tears. There are relationships in my life that are flawed, forgiveness that needs extending, and fears that are not easily quelled. In spite of it all, it's worth the effort to have a little more gratitude in my heart than bitterness.

Here's my confession; Despite the ups and downs of my week, I'm humbled and grateful for the experiences which have come my way. Learning to live in the now is one of the most difficult obstacles I face. Yet, each new dawn brings with it reminders of how wonderful this experience we call life truly is. It's an adventure. Kind words, smiles from a stranger, unexpected friendships and yes, even bumps and curves along the road are part of that adventure. It's easy to simply take parts of the adventure for granted. Our next breath is not guarantee, food and shelter could be gone in an instant. And so, it is today that I share with you my gratitude for the things in my life. I hope you'll take a moment to reflect on your gratitude as well.

GRATITUDE 09.06.08

What an incredibly tiring week! As I look back over the week that was, I recall a week in which I was up to my eyeballs in music of one sort or another. I’ve have a few responsibilities added to my working with the church music program in the last few weeks, as I’ll be filling in for our director while her husband recuperates from open heart surgery. I’m grateful for the opportunity, but I realize just how focused I’ve become on doing everything just right. In addition to my responsibilities to my church choir, I also have added on the responsibility of being a member of the Magic City Choral Society.

And so, it is, this week, Music for which I am most grateful. Music is the one gift I have in my life for which I am truly grateful I’ve studied music for nearly 20 years, beginning with piano and then moving on to voice and a little bit of organ. I possess a Bachelor of Arts degree in music. I admit that I wasn’t the greatest student of music when I was in college, but as I’ve been working with the church choir and trying to find ways to motivate, educate and encourage the choir’s growth, lessons are coming back to me, little tid-bits of knowledge I thought long ago forgotten. As I gather on Tuesday evenings with my Choral Society, I’m reminded of the great memories I have of being a chorister. Yet, this time, it is different. This time, I’m doing it for fun, not for credit. It’s strange, when I stop and think about the place my musical talents have brought me, the places they are taking me. Music is the one stable in my life. I’m grateful for the place it has in my life, the amazing growth I’ve experienced as a musician over the last two years and the gifts, friendship and peace that music has brought into my life.

I’m grateful to be reconnecting with many of the friends from my past through facebook. What an amazing tool. Yet, not only am I connecting with new friends. I’m grateful for the place I am in my life. Certainly, things are less than perfect, but they are better than they’ve been in a long time. Life is good. Life is full of exciting surprises. We just have to stop and be open to experiencing them.

I’m grateful for the letter I received last week from my Aunt. Perhaps it is the beginning of the rebuilding of a relationship that was deeply damaged more than a decade ago. I have positive hopes, but realize that we will both have to acknowledge differences of opinion, but the past in the past and learn to live in, and focus on the Now.

Here’s my confession: This week I am grateful. There doesn’t have to be any one particular reason for my gratitude, for indeed there are many. I have a home, I have friends, I have pets, I have, in essence, EVERYTHING I could possibly need or want in this life. Learning to stop and appreciate those blessings is a major lesson I have to learn. I know, in my heart of hearts, that all I hold dear could be wiped out in the blink of an eye. I think that makes me more grateful because I know I have so much for which to be grateful.

So, tonight, as I write this, fatigued beyond belief, I do so with a sense of peace and gratitude in my heart and life. The alternative is to whine, bitch and complain, and what good will that do my heart? My soul, my spirit? Absolutely none. Gratitude is my balm of peace. And, if you are part of my life, please know that I’m incredibly grateful for you.

GRATITUDE 8.29.08

Tonight I was driving home from running an errand and began thinking about what I would write in this week’s gratitude blog. Driving down I-459 I saw one thing clearly about which I’m grateful. It was the sunset. There are few things I’ve seen in life that are more beautiful than an Alabama sunset. It’s about the closest I’ve ever come to seeing the fingerprints of God.

Another thing I am grateful for is the man who works in the parking deck I use downtown. He’s an older gentleman, but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t wave at him as they leave each evening. I often wonder what his story is, but he always smiles and waves back. I don’t know his name, but it doesn’t matter. There’s just no way to not to be happy when he waves and smiles back.

As I consider the things this week that have brought me the most gratitude, there are so many things that come to mind. Mostly, though, I am grateful for life. I’m grateful that I have truly begun cracking the shell that is my comfort zone and I’m finding my voice. I’m so grateful for the progress I’m making. I feel like an absolutely new person. I’m grateful for the friends who nudged me in the direction of joining the gay men’s chorus. This is turning out to be the highlight of my week.

I’m grateful for glimmers of hope of reconciliation with my family. It’s an immensely difficult situation, but in the last month-plus, I have heard from both my mother and my Aunt. Courage will come to me in time, and the right decisions will emerge, as absolutely difficult as it is.

Here’s my confession: This week has been full of moments of absolute peace. Despite periods of indecision, I am probably the happiest I’ve ever been. This is exactly where I’ve wanted to be in my life. I’m experiencing joy, peace, contentment. Life is good, and I’m finally experiencing it, and that brings me immense gratitude.

GRATITUDE 08.22.08

I pause again to reflect on the immense gratitude I have for the people and things in my life. I've written a lot lately about the people in my life, the friends who have such a special place in my life, and, while I won't mention them by name again, I will say that these wonderful friends truly lighten my load.

I am mindful, as I write this, of the tremendous gratitude I have for the gift of music. While I'd be the first to confess I'm not perfect, I admit that I have been blessed with vocal and instrumental abilities that others only wish they could have. Sitting down at my piano, being able to play the instrument, having the knowledge, coordination and skill is something I'm sure I've easily taken for granted. I'll likely never be a virtuoso pianist and I likely won't even be giving a voice or piano recital at Carnegie Hall, but I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded to share my talents. Accompanying at church is one of the greatest highlights of my week. Now that I've joined the gay men's chorus, I'm excited about using my voice again, the opportunities it will bring me and grateful that a group like this is exists.

I'm grateful for the path my life is taking, even though the twists and turns don't always make sense at the time, they usually end up perfectly clear in the end. I'm grateful for the peace and perspective that singlehood has given me. I'm grateful for the perspective that angry feelings have provided me in the last few days. Seeing situations in my life in a new light has taught me some invaluable lessons. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. I'm grateful for those who helped me realize this tid-bit of truth. Enough with the condescension! I'm 35, not 3! I've let that go on too long. Finally, I've reached (or am reaching) a point in my life where being in a relationship, finding a relationship, is not my priority. Getting to know myself, feeling comfortable with me, however, is a priority. I believe when, and if, the time is right, a new relationship will happen. Until then, I am finding that my life is full of so much, and my gratitude overflows.

Here's my confession: One of my favorite scriptures is from the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes. It says "to everything there is a reason, a time and purpose under heaven..." I'm finding that is so true. Each new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. There are lessons to be learned from each situation, relationship and experience in which we find ourselves. I'm grateful for the lessons I've gleaned this week from living, from breaking down comfort zones and solitude. I'm grateful for the opportunity to live my life, to become a stronger person and see there's strength inside of me I didn't know existed. And you will probably be grateful I refrained from using the profanity I was tempted to use a few paragraphs up!

ONE MONTH

It has now been one month and one day since my 35th birthday. I've proclaimed this a year of growth. There's already been a tremendous amount of growth in the last year, but my goal is to not allow the growth to stagnate, but continue to grow.

As I reflect on the past month, I have had the wonderful fortune to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends. Six of my dearest friends surrounded me on my birthday, then a week later I went on vacation to visit Lee, Jane and Alexis. I also had lunch with Morgan. These people are at the very core of my closest friends. I'm also blessed by an almost daily conversation with Truvy, without whose loveand friendship I couldn't go on. While I spend a lot of my time alone, as long as I have these people in my life, I can never be lonely.

The last month has found me focusing intensely on spiritual and personal growth. I just finished reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". This book is a MUST read and has given me such a powerful look at spirituality, the way I view my faith and has made me dig deeply on my thoughts. It is definitely NOT just a one time read for me, in fact, it may be a once a month read. The late Randy Pauch’s "Last Lecture" is a must see, as well. It will inspire you beyond words. His battle with terminal cancer and ability to never let the illness define him are awe-inspiring.

In addition to the areas of growth I mentioned above, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone by joining the gay men's chorus. I walked in the first night not knowing a soul, yet, this week, after the second rehearsal I am beginning to feel like it is exactly where I belong. It's a sort of brotherhood, and a wholesome expression of my music abilities and opportunities to grow musically, socially and personally. That surely can't be anything less than a win/win situation.

Here's my confession: Keeping the momentum going is not always easy.
But, I've learned that's totally ok. Hitting brick walls is not always a bad thing. I've learned that is often just a part of the process. Peaks and valleys are just part of the ebb and flow of living. So, I have a day where I don't "feel" any progress or "see" any results. No need to beat myself up over it. That's life, and I'm determined to live it more fully! I strive each day to be present, aware of the Now. I strive to be aware of, and express gratitude each day.

GRATITUDE 08.15.08

I've made it to the end of another week, a week that has, for the most part, been a huge blur to me. Nothing earth-shaking has happened, nothing incredibly out of the ordinary. Yet, even in an uneventful, simplistic week, I have reason to pause and reflect on the reasons for profound gratitude in my life.

Being a church organist/pianist can, at times, be a thankless position. The average parishioner probably doesn't know the amount of work it takes to serve in that capacity, how much I strive to choose preludes that are meditative, prayerful, contemplative as well as spiritual. I'll be the first to admit it, but I am not perfect, no matter how much I strive for perfection at the keyboard. Wrong notes happen. I'm human and that's ok. What touches me is over the last few weeks, choir members as well as parishioners have made it a point to tell me how much my music had touched them. Another thing that has really made me feel good is when I've told various people that my home is on the market, they ask if I'll still continue to come to church there. "Of course." is always my reply. "I'll keep playing until they tell me to stop coming.” That's almost always followed up with an "I don't see that happening" from the parishioner. I'm profoundly grateful for the opportunity to do what I absolutely love to do in the parish that means so much to me. Bring a pastoral musician is such a rewarding blessing to me, and the one childhood dream I've had come to full fruition.

I'm grateful for another opportunity in which I'm beginning to take a part musically. Although somewhat apprehensively, I'm in the process of joining the Magic City Choral Society, which is the gay men's chorus in Birmingham. Having not been a voice in a choir in some time, I'm looking forward to exploring this outlet and the experience it is going to give me by getting me out of my own self-imposed comfort zone. I'm grateful for being brave enough to take the first step, a step I hope to be in the right direction.

Where would I be without the wonderful people in my life? Nowhere. Many of my friends do not live close to me, but thankfully, the advent of technology has brought us all closer through email, facebook and cell phones. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to know people from elementary school, such as Heather, someone I always looked up to, but was far too shy and felt too insignificant to ever be able to have a friendship. She's a frequent reader and often comments on my blog. It gives me a warm fuzzy to hear from her, and although it's been close to two decades since we've seen one another in person, I feel close to her through her own incredible blog and her touching and affirming comments on mine. I would not be here today without the beautiful friendship I share with Lee and Jane. They are friends to the end and have certainly seen me through the best of times and the worst of times and never in all these years have they ever faltered or failed me. For Morgan, my closest friend from high school, though our friendship was only casual until we were well into college and gotten out of our small town. One of my most treasured memories of my friendship with Morgan is when, in 1994, we drove to Knoxville together to see "Philadelphia" together, followed by dinner at Chili's. It was that night that I wanted, so intensely, to tell her I am gay. I couldn't utter the words to her. It would be another nearly three years before I could muster the courage to tell her. Today, Morgan is one of my greatest supporters and someone in whom I can always confide. We are always able to pick up exactly where we leave off. Morgan's parents are two of the most incredible influences and educators in my life, as well. Then there's Truvy. She and I have spent a decade together and life without her would be less colorful. Our friendship is one of those rare gems in life. Somehow, we are always able to "get" one another. She's certainly my "Grace" if ever there were one, and I'm her "Will" with a touch of "Jack" thrown in for good measure. G is like a mom, big sister and aunt all rolled into one. She brings to my life a unique perspective, and always tries to push me to be my best and encourages me when the chips are down. I know that one thing I can count on from G is that she will never tickle my ears with what I want to hear. She's a straight shooter with little if any wiggle room! Brandee and I go way back. The best way to describe her would be to say that she's my lesbian alter ego and voice of reason. Certain life experiences have been similar, and she brings to me a perspective I need, often to save me from my own self! Duncan and I went to college together, had a few classes together, but I wouldn't say we were anything more than casual acquaintances. However, through the miracle of cyberspace, I've connected with him through his very well written blog. A lesson I have learned from Duncan is that there's a side to people you may not ever see. I always thought of him as extremely conservative, rigidly religious and certainly not open-minded in the least. I assumed that he was a big homophobe. What I've discovered is that he is extremely supportive, not so rigid and has some brilliant thoughts. I wish I knew him better, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to know him as I do now. Last, but certainly not least on my list is Alexis. I met Alexis a little over a year ago through Lee and Jane. She's irreverent, witty and I think at times she's my heterosexual alter ego. Ours was an instant friendship, a deep connection and intensely rewarding. We are both pastoral musicians and both converts to Catholicism, ironically, we were both confirmed at the Easter Vigil in 2000.

What I've just described is a vibrant tapestry which covers my life. Each individual is essential in their own way, each individual has touched me, and continues to touch me in very profound ways. My gratitude is almost beyond expression. In life, we are lucky if we find one or two close friends who will be there in our darkest moments. I have so many. My cup certainly overflows.

Here's my confession: I am surrounded by so many wonderful and exciting people, places and things. Yet, if I fail to express my gratitude for the blessings in my life, what good does it do? I'm going through some major life transitions right now, and, thankfully, GREATFULLY, I have the love and support of friends. They don’t have to live next door to be close to me. As corny as it may sound, they live in my heart. And, as I continue to experience life anew, I’m reminded with the dawning of each new day, just how blessed I am. I’ve worked so hard on myself over the last year, but I believe I’ve only scratched the surface. I’m almost a month into my 35th year and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Perhaps it’s because I pause each week to reflect on my gratitude, perhaps it’s because I’m focused, perhaps it’s because life is heading in the right direction. Whatever the case, my heart overflows with gratitude and peace.

CONFESSIONS FROM THE BATHTUB

That title may be a little bit of a tease and sound a lot more erotic than it actually is, but the title came to me as I was in the tub tonight.

The last two nights I have taken a soak in the tub, along with the jets and bubbles, in an attempt to relax. It was my attempt to steal away from the incessant cry of a neurotic cat, to escape the bills waiting for me to pay them, thoughts of chores needing doing, little things here and there that pass through my mind and seemingly a million other little things. Unfortunately, I haven’t been very successful in my endeavor to relax. I haven’t been able to still my mind from the things awaiting me after I finish. Instead, my thoughts seem to know I’m taking a bath—that I’m attempting to relax and they think it’s time for them to follow me to the bathtub. I’ve been inundated with a plethora of spiritual questions, questions of when the house is going to finally sell, why the cat insists on demonstrating his displeasures in the most annoying ways, where my life is headed, what I want to be when I grow up, if I've made the right decision about this or that or the other. Stealing away for stillness just hasn't been very successful.

Here’s my confession: One day, I hope that I’ll be able to take a bath, fully and completely relaxed. It’s one of my favorite things (see an upcoming blog of other favorite things). I just long for the stillness that I was hoping a nice tub bath would provide. I’ve spent 99.999 percent of my week absolutely inexplicably exhausted. I haven't any get up and go, and frankly, if I’m being completely honest, in a lot of ways "my give a damn" is busted. I’m sure that this, too, shall pass, but having just come back from a vacation only two weeks ago, I feel another week or two is needed. Surely, somewhere, beyond the cries of the neurotic cat, the thoughts of how, when and which bills are going to be paid, when I’ll be able to pack up my belongings and move there must be some place where stillness and peace are found. I’ll keep looking, you keep reading!

THE HOMOPHOBIC HOMO?

I am gay. As far as I am aware, I've been gay my whole entire life. That's not news, not even really even a confession, just fact. Whether you agree with my position or not is a moot point.

While I am comfortable, in most cases, with being out and gay, there's one thing I've struggled for years to accept-other gay men. Gay men run the gamut. There are the extremely conservative to the über flamboyant, and just like the rainbow that supposedly unites us, a variety of colors and shades in between.

I would say I fall somewhere in the middle, leaning more towards the conservative than the flamboyant, bringing out the lisp only on occasion, and then, only for effect. I'm proud, but not in-your- face. I have very few gay friends; I don't do the gay club scene. My life, in general, is rather low key, mostly drama free and uneventful. I go to work, go home, go to church, I pay my taxes and lead a fairly "normal" life.

I feel a great deal of acceptance from those around me. I don't make any great effort whatsoever to hide the fact that I'm gay. To me, it's always just an aspect of who I am, not the end all be all. I like the story I head the other day. Two friends were talking and one said to the other "What would you prefer to be called-Black or African American?" The friend replied "Charles." And so it is with me. I'd rather just be known as "Keller". There's no real need to qualify my name with my orientation.

And now there is tonight. After pondering all day whether or not to do it, I decided to go to choir practice. The Gay Men's Choir practice. I went back and forth today as to whether or not I would go. I almost chickened out and didn’t go. But, after the encouraging words of some close friends, I went. And, while the first few minutes I was a little nervous because I didn’t know anyone, but once we started singing, I felt more comfortable.

Here's my confession: I'm a homophobic homosexual. There, I said it. That's my big secret. Being around (some) gay men creeps me out. It's their flamboyance, their in-your-face attitude that gives the rest of us a bad name. We live in a better time now than perhaps ever before, in terms of acceptance. However, even with the number of gay characters on television, the number of "out" celebrities, it seems that it's still the negative that gets reported. Maybe that's the reason for my inner homophobia. I know I'm not alone, because I've discussed the topic with other gay men. Maybe getting out and exposing myself to other people, experiencing music with other men who happen to be gay, will help me combat my own internal homophobia.

GRATITUDE O8.08.08

Returning to work after a week of vacation is rarely at the top of anyone’s list of things they love to do, mine included. But, return to work I had did. I suppose there is a reason for gratitude, though. I did have a job to return to, there are many who don’t. All in all, it was a good week. I’ve spent most of the week in solitude, just me and the cats, and that’s ok.

I have so very many blessings in my life, so many things for which to be grateful. I often write about how grateful I am for my wonderful friends, and this week is no different. I have so many wonderful people in my life who truly care about me. That’s priceless. I’m grateful for reconnecting with so many people from my past through social networking sites such as facebook or myspace.

This week I’ve found myself on a spiritual quest, a little more so than usual. I feel a passion growing within me for things spiritual, not necessarily things religious, but things that cause me to grow. I’m on a quest for peace, understanding, a reconciliation of my belief system. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and a lot of introspection. I’m grateful for this development in my life.

Here’s my confession: I’m so grateful for the little things that have taken place in my life this week. The people, the things and the peace I’m finding in my life. I’m grateful as I look over at the cat lying beside me and I think of just how peaceful he looks. I’m grateful for the wholeness that I’ve found in my life over the last year, for the glimpses of the true me that are beginning to shine through.

There are days that I screw up and I fall back into my old ways, I have moments of self-loathing, of saying things that are taken the wrong way, I don’t think before I speak. I am grateful for people who know me better than the idiot who sometimes lives in me and makes stupid mistakes. I’m grateful for forgiveness. I’m grateful for talents and strengths I am discovering along the way.

Mostly, this week, I’m so grateful for life, for the opportunity to experience new opportunities and grow.

SUNDAY SCHOOL JESUS

Do you remember your first encounter with Jesus? It was probably in a Sunday School class or a Vacation Bible School. I remember vividly seeing the brightly colored pictures of this vibrant, happy man, Jesus, from the pages of my Sunday School quarterly. In my childhood mind, he seemed so simple, so easy to grasp. Yet I wonder, where did that simple Jesus go? When did he get so complicated? Today, Jesus gets lost in the shuffle of doctrines, ideologies and rhetoric. Who is Jesus? Certainly he has to be more than a story, more than words on a page. I consider myself a Christian, but if I'm being honest, I sometimes I pause and ask myself "why?". The Jesus I remember from Sunday School, the same Jesus we sing about in the great hymns of faith, the same Jesus who came to live among us as our redeemer, has gotten lost along the way. Yet, I suspect that in spite of the fact that our view of him has changed, I figure he's pretty much remained the same.

So, my more conservative, fundamentally-minded friends are probably going to find more reason to pray for my soul after reading this, and my more liberal-minded friends may think I've lost my mind. I fit somewhere in the middle, I think. I still believe in the Jesus from Sunday School. You know, the Jesus full of compassion, the one who healed the sick, and the one who performed miracles? But, as a Christian who has spent the better part of every Sunday over the last twenty years in church, I look at Jesus through a much broader lens than I did in the beginning. We are told the Bible is a book that is divinely inspired. I can accept that, somewhat. What gets me is the things about Jesus that aren't in the Bible. The Bible itself even says that there are things Jesus did that aren't contained in scripture. Is the Bible literal, allegorical or a combination of both? It's the great debate of all the ages. It boggles my mind.

A lot of times, I've been lackadaisical in my faith. I've gone through the motions with little action. It's comfy to sit in the pew, the choir, or even the organ or piano bench and just go with the flow. But, now, I look at the crucifix, and I study it with wonder, with question, with intensity. Who is Jesus Christ? How does he relate to me today or how do I relate to him? I recently made a mix CD for a friend and I included a lot of the contemporary Christian music from the '90s that had given me comfort. I had an encounter with Christ while listening to the music I had put together. Again, it was the simple Jesus that I know and love. But, I paused, and thought, how much of this is truth and how much of it is convoluted by man's opinion? How can I really get to know Jesus? Still, I found comfort in those old songs, the memories of days gone by, the faith I once possessed?

I've written before, and will probably write again, that I struggle with Jesus being the one and only way to heaven (this is where my conservative friends drop to their knees in prayer for me). Of all the world's religions, I see benefit in many of them. To me, being a Christian is a wonderful spiritual experience, and the way that I chose to express my faith. But, at the same time, I'm not so closed minded in my belief system to believe that there is an open and shut case for Christianity.

Here's my confession: The message of the Sunday School Jesus of my childhood was—is—simple. Love One Another. That's the greatest commandment. That's the crux of the entire Gospel. Why did Jesus come to earth? Love. Why did he die? Love. Why did he spend time with the unpopular people of his day? It was love. Love was surely the only motivation Jesus had in anything he did. I find myself often thinking of Christ and what he would say about the things we do in his name. Hatred and Intolerance have often been justified by his followers as what he would have us do. Look at slavery, segregation, and today’s hot-topic, gay marriage. What Would Jesus Do?

I find myself often looking up at the crucifix during Mass. My church has a “Risen Christ” as our crucifix. I’ve found so much comfort looking to that crucifix. I see the compassion depicted in Christ’s eyes, And yet, I wonder, what if we have it all wrong? What if Jesus is more complex than we have him made out to be…or more likely—what if he is more simple? The one thing that is certain, it would seem, is that you can’t but Christ in a box. He’s far bigger than any box. I’m not saying that there aren’t right and wrong in the world, and that we shouldn’t try to avoid “sin”, but still I’m left pondering the question, What Would Jesus Do? What would the simple Jesus from Sunday School have me do? Is he the only way, or just one expression of any number of ways? I quietly hear that Jesus from the pages of the Sunday School quarterly whispering “love”. Love is the answer. Go, now, in Peace to love and serve one another.

GRATITUDE 08.01.08

This week I pause to reflect on a great week of vacation. I spent most of the week visiting with friends. Being away from the normal day-to-day routine has been a very relaxing experience for me. Not worrying about whether the house is selling, whether I have cleaned out the litter box or not, if the bills have been paid, if I have my prospect lists turned in at work or any of another million other things I could find to worry about.

I’m so grateful for the time I spent with Lee and Jane in Kentucky, and the time that Lee, Jane, Denise and I all had at Holiday World. I’m grateful for the bond we share. I was reminded over and over this week at just how special friendship is. Having people who really care about me is just such a blessing. As I was making my way home, I had lunch in Nashville on Wednesday with my closest friend from high school, and spent the evening with a new friend of mine in Huntsville. Then, I made my way back home yesterday and have had a relaxing couple of days. Today I had lunch with a couple of friends, Truvy and Terrance.

Here’s my confession: The week has provided me a lot of time for reflection. I’m looking forward to a future full of hopes and dreams. As I’ve reflected on where I am and where I’m going, I am so grateful for the journey that has brought me this far. I am most grateful for the people who are in my life-people who will listen to me and my tired old stories over and over, people who will give me sound advice, people who care about me more deeply than I’ll perhaps ever realize. I am absolutely, completely, totally blessed beyond all measure. And, when I consider all that, a smile comes across my face.

VACATION DAY 1

Today was my first official day of vacation. I spent it in the presence of very dear friends, thought very little about work (that’s the purpose of a vacation, right?) and had an absolutely enjoyable day of entertainment at an amusement park.

While I’m on vacation, I can’t leave every single thought about my life behind, though I can leave most everything behind. There are a number of things that have weighed heavily on my mind in these last few days. In addition to my faith, which I wrote about earlier in the week, I’ve been thinking about myself as a single person. I made this same vacation trip a year ago. Just comparing the person I am today with the person I was then is astonishing. Fundamentally, I’m the same person, but deep down, there are some concrete changed of which I’m just so proud. I’m becoming more assertive, more focused, more of the person I want to be.

Being out of the entanglement of a relationship is an absolute blessing. Honestly, I have only myself to answer to at this point in my life, though I feel a need to be accountable to my friends. I may or may not take their advice (which, 99.999% of the time is what I should do in the first place), I am free to make my own mistakes, to learn my own lessons. That’s an absolutely positive experience for me.

Someday, in the not too distant future, I am hoping that the house will sell, and that I’ll be able to truly move on with life. I’ll be able to fully devote myself to hopes and dreams, obligations, friendships, and, maybe someday, probably when I least expect it, but hopefully a while down the road, I’ll open this heart and life up to someone else.

Here’s my confession: Looking honestly at where my journey has brought me thus far is incredible. The “down time” that I’ve had this week, and the opportunity to spend time with people who know me and love me the most has provided me with an absolutely priceless opportunity to pause, get away from my daily routine and focus on steering my life more in the right direction. I am blessed to have people in my life who don’t sugar coat what they think I should do, people who know my weaknesses as well or better than I, people who look at the whole picture while I am only able to look at chunks.

I’m so at a loss for words right now as I move forward. I have a long way to go. But, with each new dawn comes the opportunity to move a step or two closer to the hopes and dreams I’m now defining for myself. In the coming days, I’ll be breaking these hopes and dreams down to share with you.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

As I was sitting in Mass this week, I was there as merely a member of the congregation and not in my normal role as an accompanist. I was out of town and visiting the parish where my friend Denise is the Director of Music. I had the opportunity to really think about my faith. It really had very little to do with the readings, the music or the liturgy itself, although it all had a part. Actually, these thoughts have been bouncing back and forth in my head for quite some time, however, only now am I making the effort to actually sit down and sort them out in this manner.

My view of God has, I suppose, always been something that has been evolving, and something on which all of my friends agree with me. My view of God comes from a lifetime of faith. I grew up in a mostly Baptist family, at the age of fourteen was baptized in a Baptist church and went on to attend a Baptist college. While I was in college I had a great awakening spiritually. By the time I graduated, I had joined a United Methodist church and within another four years would find myself being confirmed Catholic. So, it is from a long line of spiritual traditions, mixed with my own beliefs, that I’ve come to view this force much larger than comprehension, God.

One of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard was when I was attending the United Methodist church, when my associate pastor opened her prayer to “God, our Mother and our Father”. It was at that moment that something clicked. God is EVERYTHING. God does not embody a gender. God simply is. God is a Mother, a Father, a Sister, a Brother, a Friend, a Lover, and the list could go on forever, and still perhaps not even touch on the true nature and essence of who and what God is. I left church that day a changed person.

Spirituality has always been something I’ve questioned. Is Christianity THE only way to Heaven? Certainly I’m not an expert in the world’s religions, but I feel I have a good enough grasp on each of the basic concepts of the world’s major religious traditions that I can understand the point. It would seem that all the world’s religions overlap in their basic tenets. Seemingly, be we practicing Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism or any of a number of any of these traditions, have the goal of drawing us closer to the afterlife, to love one another and to devote ourselves to drawing closer to the “being” that dwells within our spirit.

Some of these concepts are hard to swallow. Some seem outright ridiculous. The ritualistic elements of some faith traditions may seem incredibly pompous and unnecessary to some, while extraordinarily comforting and peaceful to another. Speaking as a Catholic Christian, a “literal” interpretation of the scriptures seems off the wall to me. Still other Christians cling to each individual word. The truth of the matter is, probably none of us is 100% right, as it has evolved with the times and traditions throughout all of history.

So, why do we do what we do? Going along with the accepted “norm” is probably the main reason. We wouldn’t want to be thought unpopular or fanatic. However, once we get past all the labels, if we dare to take a long, hard look, we will likely find that we have more commonalities than differences.

Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that “religion” has evolved from the earliest of times. Arguing over whether or not the creation story is literal or figurative is futile. I believe in Jesus. I do believe, as crazy as it seems, that he did come to Earth, suffer and die to redeem me for my sins. Yes, it’s got to be one of the wackiest of all stories in all of history, but I believe it. Yet, on the other hand, I see absolute merit in the teaching of other “religions”. I have no problem confessing that I am absolutely, 100% a Cafeteria Catholic, picking and choosing the “Doctrines” that I believe to be beneficial to my life, to my relationship with the higher power. It’s a daily struggle to figure out exactly what I believe. It’s difficult. There are so many things to believe, so many voices to follow. Yet, I know that, at least for me personally, the practice of Christianity had made the most sense to me. It’s totally a faith thing. And, faith is not something we can touch. I haven’t even scratched the surface on this subject tonight. There will be more in the near future. I'll leave you with this thought...I think we all have more in common than we have diferences.