FEAR

“Fear is the mother of morality.”—Friedrich Nietzsche
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fear. I think it’s a natural part of the human experience. I have been thinking of the things of which I am most afraid, and tonight I pause to ask myself questions about the things I fear.

Why am I so afraid of reconnecting with my family of origin? I think it’s because I have never truly felt like I was a part of that family. I was always the outsider. It’s so much easier to pretend that family doesn’t exist and live my life, creating my family of choice here. Thoughts of actually communicating with that family paralyze me. I truly wish I understood. I’ve tried to understand it through counseling. I’ve reached out through cards and letters, but seeing them in person, talking on the phone. It’s one of my biggest fears. Yet, what fear do I have of the day my family of origin is gone? What will that day be like?

I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of losing control. I’m afraid of letting go and losing a part of myself. I’m afraid of what people might say if I lose my reputation. I’m afraid that if I do the very same things that other gay men do, that I will be the one that gets the reputation as being a whore or slut. What if I were to sow those wild oats I’ve never sown? What if I were to just let go and live a little? Is there really a reason for fear?

I’m afraid of failing as a friend. Even at my age, true, abiding friendship is a relatively new experience for me. I am afraid of sucking the lives out of the people I love. I am afraid of letting the most important people in my life down with my words. The greatest gift I have to give my friends is my love, but I fear what if that’s not enough, or worse, what if it’s too much?

I am afraid of love. My fear giving my heart again and watching it get broken. Yet, I know in love there are no guarantees. So, I must sit back and wait for that moment when the time is right, the stars align and I am standing face to face with my destiny. I imagine that will be a moment when all fear is released. However, it could be at that moment that my true fear only begins.

I fear that I may never truly find my purpose. I fear that I may not know what I am supposed to do with my life. I’m enrolled in a Master’s degree program for Accounting. I’m very excited about this program, know it will take a lot of very hard work, but, although I am trying my hardest to live in the now and not dwell on tomorrow, I can’t help thinking what I were never to do what I was born to do? What if I were to never accomplish my purpose?

Here’s my confession: I fear my own mediocrity, my procrastination, and my confusion. I fear my ambivalence. I fear making mistakes in some areas and failing to take the necessary risks to fail (or succeed) in others. I fear losing the things that are most dear to me, which, generally are not “things” at all—they are the people and relationships that keep me grounded on earth. I fear reaching the end of my life and having nothing to show for it. I fear that just as quickly as the special moments and people have come into my life that they will disappear. I fear questions to answers I don’t want to hear, but I believe I have an even greater fear that the answers will not come.

Truly, if I’m living as I strive to live, in the present, completely in the now, then the only thing I have to fear is fear itself.