BLUE CHRISTMAS?

Tonight, I’ve had one of those “unsettled” feelings—where I’m kinda mad at the world, but don’t really know why. It’s like I told a friend earlier—I want to bitch about something, but I honestly have nothing to bitch about, because in the grand scheme of things, I’m blessed beyond measure. I have friends who love me, I have a place to go to work every day, if I’ve missed a meal lately, it was of my own choice, and not because I couldn’t afford a meal. So, while the calendar year 2011 has been less than desirable, I have far more for which to be grateful than to lie here in a funk contemplating all the things that are wrong rather than focusing on all the things that are right.

I have to admit that I’m not feeling the spirit of the season just yet. I’m not even sure if I’ll drag the tree out of the closet this year. Maybe I should…maybe it would do my spirit good to decorate? The holidays just mean nothing to me anymore. Memories of the Christmases of my childhood—Christmases that will n’er again be—I can’t seem to get excited about it anymore. Thoughts turn to the person I miss more than anyone in the world—my beloved grandmother. SHE was Christmas to me.

I have to take my focus off my current lot in life—I have to stop worrying about the things I’ve lost and focus on what I have. I have to stop focus on loves that failed and focus on the love that will be. I have to let go of negative emotions, toxic energy and focus on positivity and peace, within myself, and those to whom I need to offer forgiveness and, yes, perhaps even need to ask forgiveness myself.

Here’s my confession: I’m tired. I’m tired of putting off life. I’m tired of waiting on life to just happen. I need to be an active participant in this life—the only life I have. I need to learn to live life—and to live it to the fullest—one single day at a time. That’s so much easier said than done, but I know that in doing so I’ll find more peace than I’ll ever know what to do with. May my tomorrows be beautiful, and may yours be just as beautiful!!!

BRING IT

It is difficult to believe that it has been nearly two months since my last posting. So many thoughts pass through my mind on a daily basis that I’ve not slowed down long enough to chronicle here.

The last year of my life has been a steady experiment in change. I’ve lost a job, I’ve lost friends, a boyfriend or two, a home and I have struggled to understand who I am.

Though the powers of karma may have tried to keep me down, I fought back with a vengeance, and I won. Losing the job has turned out to be a stepping stone to exploring new opportunities. Losing friends allowed me to evaluate who and what are important in my life, losing relationships hurt like hell, but allowed me the opportunity to evaluate ways to improve future relationships.

We are at that point of the year where everyone it is time to beginning thinking of the things we will be looking to change as we move into 2011. “New Year’s Resolutions” we call them. I’ll be taking inventory of my life in the coming days.

Here’s my confession: That which doesn’t kill us does make us stronger. I know the feeling of true brotherly love. I have people in my life whom I honestly do not know how I would have made it without. You certainly know my burdens are lighter because of the love these dear friends have provided. Stay tuned as I make break down these resolutions. Bring it, 2011.

PRIDE

PRIDE

Pride is something that can both bring people together and be divisive. This thought came to me last night as I was contemplating things in my life. I’ve thought about how both are true in my life. Pride…there’s the pride that draws groups together, such as American Pride or even gay pride. Then there is the pride that divides friendships and friendships.

As I think about it, I have a lot of pride in my life. I am proud of who I am, I’m proud of being a gay man. I’m proud of being a part of the family that my chorus provides. I’m proud of the people of the accomplishments I’ve achieved. I take pride in the fact that I have come so far in my life, despite obstacles I’ve faced.

Yet, on the other hand, there’s the pride that has destroyed so much. It’s about this pride that I must write tonight. It’s my own pride, my own unwillingness to break down barriers, to admit fault, that has built brick walls in relationships—specifically my relationship with my parents. It’s something of which I’ve written a great deal, and it’s something about which I think on a daily basis. Yet, it is my own pride, my own fears that keep me from being the bigger man, to stop pointing the fingers of blame, to break the silence. The last time I saw my parents was March, 2006. That’s a very long time.

I suppose my pride comes from resentments that I’ve allowed myself to nurse along the way. I know that those two individuals who brought me into this world did the best job they knew to do when they were raising me. I know that the hurt that my mother provided me through actions of which she may not have even been aware were, perhaps, unintentional. Yet, in my pride, I find it hard to find forgiveness. I find it hard to let go. It’s unimaginable to me that I would ever have a close and abiding relationship with my parents. Even when I was living at home, we didn’t have a lot of interaction. I was very much a loner, and they very much nurtured that.

Here’s my confession: The truth of the matter is that my pride has hurt two individuals who gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Life. I am praying that somehow, some way, that I will find the courage that I need to write my parents, with love and from the bottom of my heart. I’m praying that I can let go of petty, foolish pride and find even an ounce of love and forgiveness within myself. The other truth of the matter is that while my parents are still young—not even in their 60s yet—they aren’t going to be around forever. There will come a day when I am called to their side as they are making their exit from this world, or after they’ve already made their exit—and what will be left? Certainly, only the knowledge that I didn’t do anything to make amends in the living years. While I feel like a stranger to them, and have for the majority of my life, I imagine the emotion that will hit me as I look down at their remains in their caskets and think “Damn you, foolish PRIDE.” So, will I let Pride bring some sort of resolution to my family or will I allow that foolish pride to drive a wedge farther and deeper than it has already gone? I pray with God’s help I can decide the right thing to do.

ON BEING OUT

ON BEING OUT

Today is National Coming Out Day, and I pause just a bit to think of my life. I’ve had the incredible fortune to be able to live the majority of my adult life as an openly gay man. Coming out comes in stages. First, you have to come out to yourself, then to your friends, and then your family—at least that’s the way it was for me and for most of the people I’ve known. However, I heard the other day something that really made me think—we actually never stop coming out. There’s always the coming out to new people we meet, co-workers, etc.

I think that now, in all of history, is the greatest time to be alive. It’s great to just be able to be who I am and not really worry about what people think. I think even living in the Deep South where many people don’t realize they know gay people, attitudes are changing, and most people are accepting.

I’ve never felt the need to be in your face about my sexuality. It’s part, not the whole, of who I am. I can’t think of a time in my recent past that I’ve denied my sexuality. I think people just take it as a given. It’s live and let live.

Here’s my confession: I’m proud to be who I am. I firmly believe I am who I am and I am who my God created me to be. And, if I’m being who my God created me to be, who can argue with that? I’ve been blessed in this life with wonderful friends who surround me. I wouldn’t be alive, I’m sure, were it not for many of my friends. Coming out was not an easy process when I decided it was time to make that leap, but I can count on one hand the number of people who have turned me away simply because I am gay. I wish everyone were so fortunate. “This above all, to thine own self be true…”

GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10

GRATITUDE AND TRANSITIONS 10.08.10

As I lie here tonight, I think of the wonder and gratitude I have in my life. If I’m being completely honest, this week, and, well, actually the last few weeks have been wrought with emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve paused to do a gratitude blog, and that was quite on purpose. I wanted to give myself a few weeks to really reflect on the gratitude I hold in my heart.

I’ve attempted to write a couple of blogs this week, but when the words failed me, I decided they weren’t ready to be given birth yet. Tonight, I believe I will combine all the emotions, thoughts and words that have been lying dormant. Tonight, I find myself listening to my heart. Tonight, I find myself listening to my spirit, and tonight I write from a place of sincerity and honesty.

I am grateful for the people who mean the most to me, my friends. Were it not for the people who love me so much, and show me their love, not only in words, but through their actions just how loved I am, I don’t know that I would make it. I’ve said so many times I grew up lonely, in a life devoid of close friends. Today, I have a few closely-knit group of friends who are worth more than all the gold in the world, at least in my eyes. Just knowing that someone cares means a lot. Those random text messages, those daily “hey how are you” emails and of course the personal interactions do not go un-noticed.

I’ve been though MANY transitions in the last year of my life. In fact, I’ve been through more transitions than I even care to recount. Yet, through it all, I am grateful for the struggles though which I have successfully come. I’ve changed my residence, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve struggled with friendships. I’ve lost at love. Yet, through each step of the way, I was getting a little stronger. Each set back prepared me for the struggle I would face tomorrow. For that, my heart is grateful.

I’m grateful for my choral ensemble and for the stories that were shared during our introductions on Tuesday evening. Each member brings a richness and a uniqueness to the ensemble. I’m grateful for the beautiful harmonies which were produced on Sunday evening during our Gala concert. There is absolutely no walking away from that concert without a feeling of pride and honor. I’m grateful, too, for the blessings I have experienced this week as a musician. I’m grateful that my hands and my voice can be used bless other people.

Here’s my confession: I’m a work completely in progress. My gratitude extends far beyond the platitudes and triteness of simply saying “thanks”. My gratitude is strong for the simple things in life. It is so easy to take things in this life for granted when they are there on a daily basis. It is my prayer that I seek out the beauty and gratitude in each human experience, and that all the prayers within my heart will show me the way ahead. a

STUCK ON YOU

STUCK ON YOU

I saw a picture of you tonight. I think of you almost every day. It’s sad, but I can’t seem to let you go, even though you flew the coop. Seeing the picture of you reminded me how much I thought I loved you, how much my dreams were dashed when you vanished. You are the only man who has ever made my heart flutter and took my breath away just looking at your picture.

You have a charisma about you that is captivating. I’ve never had a more perfect first date; I’ve never felt such an amazing feeling. While our tenure together was short. I learned so very much, and am grateful for the time we were able to share. I think I'm stuck on you, but it's time to set you free in my heart and mind.

I hope one day you’ll find yourself. And when you do, I hope you will find someone to love you with a love that will not end. I hope one day you’ll find peace with yourself, love with in yourself. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love anyone else.

Here’s my confession: Maybe I wasn’t “Ready to Love Again” and maybe you were just “Falling”. Maybe the timing was all wrong, maybe I misjudged you, but how can I have regrets about something that at the time seemed so perfect. The truth is that even now, I’m stuck on you. The truth is that I loved you then. But the real truth is that I loved what I thought to be you. I wish you perfect peace. I hope you find love. I hope you find your faith in God again. Thank you, dear one, for the moments we shared. Thank you for the kisses and than you for the many lessons I’d have never had the opportunity to learn otherwise.

LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS

LONGING TO SAY THOSE WORDS

As I listen to the beautiful piano music of Jim Brickman playing on my iPod tonight, I find myself lost once again in contemplation. Tonight, I think of the words I desperately long to say, but cannot, at this time, vocalize them. The words live inside me, as though they are waiting for right moment to be born.

I long to say the words “you are forgiven” to my family. I long to let go of my resentments, my pride and my pain and move on. The ugly truth is that in my heart of hearts, I don’t want them involved in my life, but there is a guilt that likes to eat away at me. Years have gone by, scars and pain have only grown deeper, and yet the words that could bring healing bring much fear and anxiety. When will the time be right? Why did we stop speaking? What is the cause of such angst? Who remembers? There is a myriad of reasons. Some are plausible, some childish. Time heals all wounds. When will that time arrive?

I long to once again say the words “I Love You”. I want to find that man who takes my breath away (I know that stuff only exists in fairy tales, but I’ve actually experienced it before in real life. Just a picture of Wynn could take my breath away. And just as quickly as that came into my life, it was gone.) I know there will be a day when I am ready to love again. I know there will come a day when I am ready to give myself away again. First, I continue to focus on learning to love myself. I can’t give love if I don’t love myself in every way possible first. He is out there. And I thank God for the gift he is preparing for me.

I long to let go of pride and ask forgiveness for those I have alienated from my life. Sounds like a simple activity, but it’s not. Forgiveness and love are two things that go hand in hand. With the arrival of each new today, I am reminded of the people, experiences, love, fear, frustration that enabled me to be where I am today. The mistakes of yesterday cause pain and agony today.

Here’s my confession: What’s the number one obstacle to giving birth to these simple phrases? Pride, followed closely by procrastination. All I can do is pray for the strength to do what I need to do. All of this is part of my 90+ days of purpose, transformation and overall growth. Wisdom, Peace and a sense of Presence will be real in my life.

COMPANIONS ON THE JOURNEY

OMPANIONS ON THE JOURNEY

It seems that the last few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time sending direct tweets to my friend Ruth who, in many ways, is going through a journey just like me. We’re both at very similar places in our lives, and we very much have a friendship like Richard from Texas and Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love”. It’s very refreshing to have a friend you can vent to, a friend who will be honest with you and a friend with whom you can share so much despite the distance of time and space. Luckily our world is smaller with the advancement of technology.

Last week I wrote about a reinvention of myself over the remaining days of this year. It’s so difficult to stay focused. It seems something is always competing for attention. But, sometimes you reach a point where you just have to put on the breaks and say “THIS IS MY TIME” and focus on yourself. While having friends to be there to listen and give advice, there are so many things in the growth, reinvention and process of discovering, creating ourselves that must be done by ourselves on the path less traveled.

Here’s my confession I’m blessed with many companions on my journey. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. It’s nice to know that so many of the people in my life are dealing with the very same issues. It doesn’t matter if we are gay, straight, black, white, male, female, Catholic or Protestant. The journey to ourselves is difficult, but rewarding in the end. One day frustration and malcontent will be replaced with joy and peace.

99 DAYS

99 DAYS

There are 99 days left in the year 2010. It’s been a rocky and emotional year for me, but given the opportunity, I’m not sure that I would change anything. Each and every disappointment, every simple triumph, every situation has somehow made me better, given me insight into some element of me. With 99 days remaining in the year, I’ve decided to personally challenge myself to grow even more, to discern just a little more, to push myself a little farther.

I didn’t really observe Lent this year. Perhaps the next 99 days of my life will be a personal Lent. It will be a time of quiet reflections, a time of seeking direction, a time of betterment. I’ll use my blog as a sort of accountability tool.

The areas in my life on which I most want to focus my attention are: Personal Fitness, Personal Achievements, Professional Growth and Direction and Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter from my life. These areas are at least a good “Jumping Off” point for me. I may add other areas as I travel the road ahead.

Personal Fitness: Having a gym membership does absolutely no good if it is not being utilized. I will make myself work out at least three days per week. It’s been a while since I’ve been really dedicated to my fitness regiment. The time has come to pour myself into that. It’s time to give up pride, ask questions, seek help and it’s a major leap into creating not only a more physically fit me, the by-product of it, it is that it will create a better mental attitude. BRING IT.

Professional Growth: Let’s face the fact. I’m 37 years old. I’m not getting any younger, but at the same time, I still have time to create an entirely different career if I want. I have time to further myself in my current temporary position. The key element here is focus. When I was little, I had two dreams. One was to play piano or organ for church. The other was to be a teacher. I live my dream of being a church musician each and every week. I must focus on the direction I will follow.

Eliminating Mental/Emotional and Physical Clutter: Writing is my catharsis. I’m going to be blogging a lot more. I’m going to write more letters. I’m going to email or actually put a stamp on the letters I write and send them. It’s time for the things that have been eating away at my mental state out. I will express love, I will express emotion, I will express fear, frustration. I will let go of resentments. I will go forth in peace. I will surround myself with positivity.

Here’s my confession: 99 days is just a starting point. 99 days is about creating, developing and living new habits. 99 days is about being better in key areas of my life as the time comes to begin a new year. 99 days will focus on how I live my life, how I love, how I express gratitude, and how where I am today is where my thoughts have brought me. Where I will be tomorrow will be where my thoughts take me. Self-improvement is a worthy investment. So, I’m starting from this moment to create a better me.

BEING ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM

BEING ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM

People find it strange when I confess to them that only two years ago when I decided to join the Men’s Chorus, I was so paralyzed with fear that I almost didn’t go in for the first rehearsal. They think of me as a consummate extrovert—the life of the party. They are shocked to find out that I’m truly introverted and grew up without many friends.

I suppose when I was growing up, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I guess I was so naïve that I didn’t realize that other kids were having spend-the-night parties, birthday parties and the like of which I was never a part. I was always a loner, which I guess comes from being an only child. On top of that, I was the oldest grandchild on one side of the family and the baby on the other side.

The truth is that I am a very shy person in social situations until I warm up and get to know the people I’m around. The truth is that I would never go to a party or bar or social situation without knowing there would be someone there for me. I suppose rather than being the consummate extrovert, I’m the consummate wallflower.

Since that moment I walked in to my first choir rehearsal, I’ve grown so very much. I have a network of amazing people in my life. While I know that I have people in my life who generally care about me—love me—would drop everything for me, it’s painful at times to admit that there are still when I still feel like I’m all alone in a crowded room. There are times when I’m really “on”, making people laugh, cracking jokes, making astute (and maybe even absurd or crass) observations, but at these very moments, I’m often feeling very alone.

We mature into adulthood, but it seems the emotional scars of our youth remain with us. I find at times I’m still that ten year old boy on the playground who is always chosen last—and only because EVERYONE has to be chosen. I’m that guy at the gym who doesn’t really know what the hell he’s doing, but is afraid to say “hey, help me…I’m clueless.” Even though in my heart of hearts, I know I’m not alone with that thought, I don’t want to admit that I’m clueless.

It’s often much easier for me to connect with a person online and then meet them in person. Once the ice is broken online, it’s like going to meet an old friend. It’s strange, but very true.

Being alone in a crowded room means to me that even though many people and hub of activity may surround me, there’s still that feeling of unworthiness.

Here’s my confession: I know that I am worthy of love. I may not be the smartest guy in the room, I may have a list of insecurities that list half a mile long, but the truth of the matter is that I do have a few very wonderful close friends and that in reality, I’m never truly alone. And, as long as I have my small group of amazing people in my life, I’m going to be ok in any room.

RESTLESS IS THE HEART

RESTLESS IS THE HEART

There is really only one word that sufficiently defines how I feel at this moment in life. Restless. I’ve been through a lot over the last year. I’ve moved out of my house. I’ve lost my job. I’ve started and ended a relationship. I’ve seen both the beauty and ugliness that are friendship. I’ve had friends hold my hand, and I’ve had friends let go. I’ve started school, stopped school and contemplated many new directions. Yet, through it all, I’m restless. My heart longs for something more. My heart longs for direction, for peace, for some sense of where I’m heading.

Since I now live in a much smaller place, I have had to eliminate a lot of the things I didn’t need, just to be able to live without clutter. Metaphorically, I’ve attempted to eliminate the clutter from my life. If something doesn’t have a distinct purpose in my life, then I work to eliminate it from my life. I suppose I’m traveling along a road that has provided me lessons. If you know me well, you know that I am (or try to be) an organized person. Nothing drives me crazier than not having everything organized—a place for everything, and everything in its place. If only it were easy to put all the varied components of life into their proper place. If only the answers weren’t elusive.

It’s important to me to live in the present, but it is also important to me to have an eye on the future. I long to be free from financial concerns. I long to live a life full of joy. It’s not just an emotional journey…it’s a spiritual journey, it’s a my purpose, and to a greater extent, wholeness. I wrote last night about regrets. Well, there are a plethora of regrets I have…things from my childhood and academic experiences I would change in a heartbeat, but the truth of the matter is that none of that matters. What matters is where I am today. What matters today is the focus on the journey, my presence on the journey, my cooperation with the journey. I can’t afford to be a passive participant in my life any more. I have to be active.

Here’s my confession: I have dreams and visions, and along with that I also have fear and frustration. Restless is my heart because I don’t even know where to begin to create the future I want for myself. Getting to a point of financial freedom will help, but that won’t be the answer. Figuring out what I want to do professionally won’t be the answer, either. Finding a man to love and share my life with isn’t going to be my panacea, either. But, bit by bit each of these elements, along with the love, support and input from the people who truly matter to me , that’s where the answers will come. This season of my life shall pass, and I believe that on the other side, restless moments will subside into peace, joy and a promise of a tomorrow bigger and better than my wildest imagination.

REGRETS...

REGRETS

Regrets. I suppose, if we are honest, we all have a few. However, it’s really difficult to have a lot of regret because most often the experiences we have, either good or bad, give us richer experiences and help mold us into the people we ultimately become.

I’ve been contemplating my regrets over the last few days. I’ve thought a lot about my relationship earlier this year with Wynn. I thought I was falling in love. I thought I was there. But, it was not to be. Yet, I grew from that experience, and I am fairly certain I’d do it all over again. I’ve though of my relationship with Parker. We spent nearly five years of our lives together. I think of the house we purchased, the memories we shared, and the contact we still have today. I regret the situation with the house. I will probably regret even more when all is said and done. I’ve moved out of the big house, it’s been nearly a year. I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever rebound and be able to buy a home again. I hope I will. I wonder if my true love is still out there somewhere or if, that, too, has eluded me. I wonder if career set-backs will define me, if I’ll ever discover my destiny…if I’ll ever obtain an advanced degree. I wonder, if I’ll ever arrive at me.

Here’s my confession: I try to focus on the positive elements of my life. I try so very hard to focus not on the events of the past, but in this present moment, for that is where life is to be lived. It’s not lived in yesterdays past or tomorrows, which haven’t yet arrived. The NOW, the here and now, are all we have. I have dreams, I have visions, and I’m creating new ones each and every day. I read a quote this evening by Kelsey Grammer. "Apologizes are pointless, regrets come too late. What matters is you can move, on you can grow.” How very true. And I recall the old standard song, “My Way”.. "Regrets, I’ve had a few. but then again, too few to mention.

AT A CROSSROADS

STANDING AT A CROSSROADS

It’s been an amazing year of ups and downs. I have arrived at this crossroads not by chance. Now, it is time to focus on where the road leads. There’s a great deal of fear and trepidation. There’s a sense of wonder and excitement, but above all of it, there is the overall sense that things must change in my life, someway, somehow, I have to not find myself, but create myself.

Here I am, nine and a half months into a year that in so very many ways seems like a blur. Every new beginning, it has been said, comes from some other beginning’s end. I suppose this is true. A chapter of my life closed in February when I left The Publishing Company. The paths I thought I would be taking turned out to be very different paths than my original expectations. I contemplated the field of mortuary science, I contemplated the filed of accountancy. Neither of these upon further examination really grasped me. Now I have a very good temporary position and I’m starting, after a month and a half to grasp it all a little more every single day. Still, it’s strange and I wake up every single day asking, “what the heck is my purpose in life? Is what I am going to do today going to really going to take me where I need to be?” I have to have faith and trust that somehow, some way, all things are working in accordance to plan. Do I have fears? Yes. Do I have faith and trust? Yes. Do I have a support system in place? Yes.

I am thirty-seven years old. I have a college degree. If you had asked me eighteen years ago what I ‘d be doing today, I’d have answered that I’d be teaching French and Music in a high school. That never happened. Still, the dream the desire to teach and help a person learn something that is going to help them is very real in my life. Yet, I ponder the path. I have friends who are teachers. They impress me so very much. I wonder what their lives must be like.

I suppose the important things to do as I stand at this important cross road in my life is to ask what I do and what I do well. To stop, to take stock of my life. The thing I enjoy more than anything is playing the piano. Am I a virtuoso? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Accompanying is something that I love to do more than anything. I live my dream each week when I sit at the piano or organ and accompany the congregation. It’s absolutely like living a dream. How I wish I had the time to devote to learning so much more about my favorite hobby.

I stand at a crossroads with my faith. I walk into the Catholic church each week and accompany the mass there, but if I’m being completely honest here, I’m not being ministered to there. In the last few years, my view and love of God have changed. There is validity in all our world religions. We need to just stop bitching among various groups and just focus on love. GOD IS LOVE. That’s the important thing. I’m somewhere between a Catholic, an Episcopalian and a Buddhist. I see the wisdom in all these faith traditions. I am a little bit lost in what I truly believe, but I know that God is Love, and that is what I hang my hat on.

Relationships. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that one day, when the time is right, that there will be a relationship for me again. It scares me. It excites me, and I hope one day it will come to fruition and will come one step further to completing me. There’s a lot of work I need to do on myself before I feel that I can be ready to accept the love being prepared for me. It may happen tomorrow, next month or somewhere completely out of the blue. But, when the time comes, I hope I will have the wisdom, strength and courage to take love by the hand and welcome it into my life.

Friendships, I believe, are the backbone of our human nature. I have a very wonderful group of people in my life for which the word “friend” is not used a. There are some altogether amazing people in my life. There’s not a single day which goes by in which I don’t in some way give gratitude to a higher power for these people with whom I am blessed to share life…the happy moments, the tense moments and the moments I in which. I pray that I never take this love for granted.

Here’s my confession: I’m standing in the midst of a crossroads. I love the people in my life. I need to work on reconciliation with some people in my life. Others , I must confess ,may simply need to be set free. All in all, I stand at this crossroads and dream, hope, pray and believe.

GRATITUDE DELAYED 08.23.10

GRATITUDE DELAYED 08.23.10

I’ve been remiss lately in updating my blog. I’m trying to do a better job. Tonight, I pause to reflect on my gratitude from last week. I have so very many blessings in my life. I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again, the greatest blessings in my life are not “things”. The greatest blessings in my life are people…and the gifts they bring into my life.

As I look back, I’m so grateful for that day a little over two years ago when I summoned up the courage to walk into my first Men’s Chorus rehearsal. So very many of the blessings in my life are related in one way or another to my affiliation with this amazing organization. Three years ago I would have never dreamed of having so many friends in my life, I would have never dreamed that my life would be turned so completely different. When I can walk into an establishment and know a vast majority of the people, that’s a feeling to which I’m still getting accustomed.

I’m so very grateful for my musical abilities. I’m grateful for those who are such an encouragement to me and for the opportunities I have to share my gifts. Living my dream is just an amazing blessing.

Here’s my confession: The last several months of my life have been an amazing experience of trust and faith. I’ve gone from being unemployed to finding what promises to be a good job. I’ve gone from meeting someone I thought I was falling deeply in love with to losing that relationship as quickly as it came into my life. I’ve gone from having some friends in my life who were so very special to me that have fallen away. It’s been an absolute roller coaster ride, but through it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly…I am blessed…and that is one thing I know for absolute certain!

GRATITUDE 08.15.10

GRATITUDE 08.15.10

I’m a couple of weeks behind in my gratitude update. The last couple of weeks have been pivotal periods in my life. I have started my new job. While it is a long-term temporary position, there is lots of potential there. I have to say that I really didn’t do a lot of worrying during my months without a job, because I knew deep in my soul that everything would work out for the best.

I am grateful for the unique experiences that have come my way in the last few months. This year has been wrought with so many changes, so many transitions and, in turn, so many unexpected blessings. While I find that I am still searching for my place in this world, so many questions have been answered and so many voids have been filled.

I’m grateful for the amazing gift of friendship. Friendships, just like any relationship, are difficult. There are ups and downs, misunderstandings and difficulties. I’m grateful for the friends I have. I still function best in a small group of friends, but when I look at where I was two or three years ago and where I am now, I’m just stunned at how far I’ve come. I have some of the most amazing people in my life. Knowing that there are a few individuals who would drop everything and do whatever I need at a moment’s notice is something that just defies words to me. I feel so unworthy, but so very blessed.

I’m grateful for the way things are falling into place in my life, as though they were divinely ordered. Sometimes I think it takes letting go and just relying on the one who is mightier than I to really see movement in my life. Things are not always the way we want them to be or the way we would choose, but in the end, it seems that everything happens exactly the way it is supposed to.

Here’s my confession: I have no idea what my tomorrows hold, but I know that my present is fully of many amazing gifts and treasures. I am grateful for those who take me exactly as I am and still love me. I have a million faults, but the fact that someone is willing to overlook my flaws means so very much.

Gratitude is such a simple concept. If only the whole world would adopt the attitude of gratitude, what a more peaceful way our world could operate.

GRATITUDE 07.30.10

GRATITUDE 07.30.10

Another week has passed by way too quickly. Yet, as I pause tonight to reflect on the moments that made up the week, I am grateful for each wonderful moment.

I’m grateful for forgiveness and mercy. I’m a work in progress. I do things before I think, I speak before I analyze and somehow it all comes out wrong. I suppose there is an innocence about me that a trust too easily, speaks too honestly and without a filter. This is something that has gotten me in “trouble” far more often than I care to recount. Those who have known me for a long time just this about me and go on. Those who don’t know me so well are often unintentionally hurt by my words and actions. I’m grateful for the forgiveness of a friend against whom I had made an unintentional transgression.

I’m grateful for a few hours I was able to spend with Andrew this week. We went to high school together and have been reconnecting via facebook, but were able to meet in person this week for a few hours just catching up. It was so good to spend time together in person.

I had a wonderful time celebrating Christopher’s birthday and mine earlier this week. As I grow older, the beauty and fragility of friendships become far more apparent to me. Knowing that today I have more friends and acquaintances than I have ever had is a truly humbling experience for me.

Here’s my confession: I am grateful for the lessons I learn each day about life. Each day I live, I believe I grow in some way. I get bogged down with my list of things I want to do each day. I get frustrated with things that just don’t want to go my way, but I know that life is a beautiful adventure, and even on the cruddiest of days, life is good. I’m grateful for the angels who watch over and protect me. I can’t see them, but I KNOW they are there.

I am grateful for you. If you are reading this, you are a truly special part of my life. Sometimes words evade me and actions fail me. But know that in my heart of hearts, that there is a deep place of love for each and very single person who mean so much to me.

GRATITUDE 07.25.10

GRATITUDE 07.25.10

I am a little late writing and posting this week’s gratitude blog. However, even though my blog is a bit behind, my heart is filled with gratitude for the many wonderful blessings I have in my life. I know—that sounds so trite, but it is genuinely how I feel.

I think I’m guilty—even though I try so very hard not to be—of taking things and people in my life for granted. Nothing is a given. People can exit our lives as easily as they come into them. “Things” can be gone in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I need that gentle reminder. Sometimes, I think I hurt those I love the most, either with my words or actions…things I have done or things I have failed to do. Sometimes it is genuinely humbling to realize take a moment to reflect on what matters most in life. I know that it is often only after taking a personal inventory like this that I am able to truly appreciate and express my gratitude in a very real way.

In the past week, I celebrated (and continue to celebrate) my birthday. It seems almost unfathomable that I am really 37 years old. Life flies by. Age really is just a number. Birthdays, generally, are just another day. Yet, I am grateful for the many people who sent me their well wishes for my birthday, those who took an extra moment to reach out with a text message, a facebook message or some other expression of love. I realized this week, as I have so many times, just how blessed I am. I am rich not because of the size of my bank account, but because of the people who have given me the privilege to experience such beautiful friendship.

I am grateful for the journey of the last six months of my life. As I write this today, this marks 6 months since I lost my job. This has been such a mixed blessing. I was telling Lee and Jane today a I really have to honestly say that over the last six months, I have not worried an incredible amount. I always knew that all things were going to work out according to plan. I said at the time I lost my job that the company I worked for may have closed a window, but God would open a door. And, wow! How many doors have been opened for? And how many will open in the next week as I begin a long-term assignment.

Here’s my confession: I’ve realized that life is fragile. Friendships are tender, and that the very best thing one can do is to express gratitude for the blessings we are given. I’m grateful for productivity I’ve experienced over the last week or so. I make a hell of a lot of mistakes in my life. I’m grateful for the lessons I am able to learn from these experiences. I’m grateful for that which is established in my life, and for that which is not, I work to give it as firm a foundation as possible. For all the worst and all the best in my life, I have been richly and truly blessed. Even the worst day in my life, I’m fully aware that there are people who would gladly trade places with me because there are circumstances in their lives that are be less than ideal.

REFLECTIONS (525,600 MINUTES)

REFLECTIONS (525,600 minutes)

Today was my 37th birthday. It was, for the most part, a very low-key day…just a regular day, but at the same time, it was an amazing day having received so many Happy Birthday wishes from my friends on facebook. I had lunch with a friend followed by some awesome yogurt, and then I went for a massage and basically did nothing the rest of the day. How’s that for a good birthday.

Tonight, before I turn in for the evening, I pause to reflect on the year that was. The thing I most like about my birthday is that it gives me a middle-of-the-year “redo” on making new years resolutions. I’ve made some resolutions to myself, which I will mostly keep to myself. I may reveal bits and pieces of these resolutions over the coming weeks through the blog.

My 36th year was a year of change. I made new friends, lost a few friends. I moved out of a dream house and I left a job I’d had for 12 years and had no concrete idea of where I was going next. The amazing thing to me is that I didn’t worry very much. There were enough people out there doing the worrying for me that I didn’t have to. I think it has been truly amazing to sit back and watch the hand of the most Divine work in my life. I made a few mistakes, I made a few bad choices, but I think I also made a lot of good choices, too. There have been battles, victories and defeats galore, but I have endured, I’ve persevered and I have, indeed, survived.

Here’s my confession. I begin my 37th year with a great deal of hope, a clean slate and a pinch of optimism. I know that good things are yet to come. I know that the plans I am ready to set into motion are only going to make me a better person. It’s probably time to let go of some resentments and bitternesses. So, for the next 525, 600 minutes, I pray for peace and wisdom.

GRATITUDE 07.16.10

GRATITUDE 07.16.10

I pause again to reflect on my week. The week has been great in so many ways. I’m grateful for time I was able to spend with friends this week. I’m grateful for moments of introspection and introversion. Actually, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few months being introverted and introspective.

The last six months of my life have been an exercise in gratitude, adjustment and finding peace. I’ve lost some people along the way, I’ve had my moments—good, bad and indifferent. In retrospect, I’m grateful for the changes in my life, because I know that every single thing that has happened to his point has happened exactly at the time and pace it was supposed to happen. I may be learning lessons from this experience for a long time to come.

As I reflect on the week that is now behind me, I’m grateful for the moments of silence an clarity that have come into my life this week. I’m grateful for the time I’ve been given to clarify who I am and redirect the path I’m traveling. I’m grateful for moments that make up the tapestry of my life. I’m grateful that in the darkest of moments, I didn’t give up, even though if I’m being completely honest, there were times I wanted to. I’m grateful for the opportunity of new beginnings.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful to be where I am on my journey in life. There have been some very dark moments in my life, especially lately, but overall, I’ve been blessed way beyond measure. The road of life is not always what we would like it to be. It’s often very different than we would have chosen, but I have to wonder how much better off we are when the journey doesn’t go as planned? I’m grateful for the events that have allowed me to take an inventory of my life. I’m grateful for the people who accompany me on this journey, who accept me as I am, who know I am not perfect and that if it can be screwed up, I’m going to do it. I’m also grateful for those with whom I’ve not yet come into contact. My heart is full of love and gratitude.

GRATITUDE 07.09.10

GRATITIUDE 07.09.10

I haven’t been blogging a lot lately, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a lot on my mind. I’m hoping to begin blogging more in the coming days. My weekly gratitude blog does give me the chance to stop and think about all that I’ve been blessed with in this life.

We are a little more than six months into 2010 and my, what a year it has been. It has been life changing on so very many levels. I lost my job and a boyfriend. I’ve experienced just about every emotion from anger to pure bliss. I’ve gone from days of boredom, to days of really not wanting to go back to work, to working at an amazing temp job that has really changed my life. I am so grateful for this experience—the good and the bad.

This week has held some extraordinary moments. Gospel drag with friends on Sunday night was a true revival of the soul and spirit, BAO Bingo on Monday night was exciting as always! I had a good solid week of work and have had lots of time to just contemplate life.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for moments--those gentle, amazing moments of life. I am grateful for friendships. I’m grateful for those moments in my life that are molding me into the person I’ll eventually become. I see the design of the Divine working in my life in so many ways. There have been sacrifices along the way, and will no doubt be many more, but I’m grateful for life as it comes—one day at a time.

GRATITUDE 07.02.10

GRATITUDE 07.02.10

With the ending of this week comes yet another opportunity for reflection, introspection and, most certainly, gratitude. As I’ve gone through the last week, I’ve caught some glimpses of wonderful things in my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful temporary work assignment which has opened my eyes so many times. I don’t believe that things just happen. I think that things happen for a reason. There has to be a reason I’ve been assigned to this place, at this time. There’s a lesson (or more) that I am to learn.

The last six months of my life have been an adventure in self-discovery, de-cluttering, renewing, learning, growing and finding peace. I’m going to be honest—at times it has been very painful and emotionally draining. I’ve lost some things along the way, but I think I’ve gained much more than I’ve ever lost.

If I were to pinpoint the thing for which I am most grateful over the last few weeks, it would be that I am finally catching a glimpse of peace in my life. I’m living by my rules. I’m calling my own shots. That’s not to say that I don’t ask for advice when I feel like I need it, but I’m grateful that everything in my life has just fallen (or is falling) into place. I firmly believe that one day I’m going to arrive at that “ah-ha” moment where I discover my purpose and find a way to do it. I believe that I will find a career that makes me happy, I believe I will find a love that is strong and true—maybe I’ll even find my soul mate.

Here’s my confession: In the last few months, I’ve gone very deeply within myself. I’ve literally spent hours and days just THINKING. Sounds insane, but I truly believe that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do at the moment. I feel that I’m on the right path. I’m grateful for companions on the journey. I’m grateful for clarity, peace, wisdom and courage. I’m grateful for reaching a point where I’m ready to LIVE and not be so caught up in the details, or whether my actions are going to being about someone else’s judgment. It’s my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. Stay turned…the journey is just starting to get exciting!.

GRATITUDE 06.25.10

GRATITUDE 06.25.10

This has been a good week for me. There have been moments that I have been a little frustrated with life, but there have also been some extraordinary moments in which I have realized how incredibly blessed beyond measure I am.

I’m grateful for my temporary job. It’s been a lot of really hard work, but it’s also been a lot of fun. I’m grateful to actually be working again. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. There is a time and purpose for everything. There are wonderful lessons to be learned, many new chapters to explore.

I’m grateful for the fun I had with my dear friend Grant last night. We had a fun dinner, a fun trip to YoMo, and then went to see a $1 movie. That guy enjoys life…and it is infectious. It was honestly one of the best times I’ve had in a very long time.

I’m grateful for clarity. This week I’ve listened to my inner voice a lot more. I’ve been taking lots of mental notes about things that I need to change, things I want to improve, and the direction I need to head. Life is good. Life is full of possibility.

Here’s my confession: My writing has slacked off a little lately. Yet, my mind is spinning a lot. Soon, I will sit down and write again. I am grateful for a life that is rich with so much beauty, so much peace and so much wonder. I’m grateful to the Divine who has allowed me to experience so much of the wonder this world holds. I am grateful for the experiences of yesterday with its pain and sadness, its joy and its peace. I’m grateful for today with its myriad of confusion. I am grateful for tomorrow and possibilities unknown. I’m grateful because I am confident that the future is a slate that is unblemished, unwritten and pregnant with possibility.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

Father’s Day 2010. I must have read at least 100 posts today on facebook about Father’s Day. I, myself, posted none. I kept thinking to myself…what’s the big deal? Why don’t I have this loving gut reaction like all these other people? I mean, really, my life didn’t suck that much. I’ve been blessed beyond measure, and yet, it hit me, as I was reading one post from someone I consider to be a good friend—he said he had spoken to his father for the first time in a long time and they are now facebook friends. The thought immediately came to mind that “I don’t know how to love him”. I don’t know how to love my father. I don’t know how to articulate those words that would probably bring about so much healing. Years of passive communications and, more recently, years of silence have taken their toll. I suppose, as I always try to say, as long as we are in the living years, there is hope, and where there’s hope, there’s opportunity.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again…I don’t know how to reach out to someone who is in so many ways a complete and total stranger to me. I love this man who gave me the seed of life. I love the woman who gave me the egg of life, and I love the life they gave me. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect, but it’s life. What was, may never be again, and I’m ok with that.

Here’s my confession: I don’t know how to love him. I don’t know how to reach out and say “hey, dad, I love you”. I don’t know how to do that because I don’t really know what those words truly mean. I have friends I love as though I imagine I would have loved a brother, and there have been men in my life who have been mentors that I suppose I have loved as one would love a father, but how in the world do I reach out with love to my own father? Where in the hell do I summon such courage?

I’ve always been the loner in the family. I was the youngest grandchild on my dad’s side of the family and the oldest on my mother’s side. I think I feel though many cracks along the way. I don’t point fingers. Instead, I am grateful for the many blessings of love and life I’ve received. So, in someway, somehow, this is my “Happy Father’s Day” message. I love you for the man you’ve been in my life. Maybe one day, reconciliation, peace, joy and newness of life will find us.

GRATITUDE 06.18.10

GRATITUDE 06.18.10

The weeks seem to just fly by. But with each week that passes, I’m reminded of how grateful life truly is. This week I started a temporary position at a local career college in the textbook department. It’s been a wonderful week, a busy week and I’m so grateful that I have something to keep my mind occupied.

I’m grateful for a week in which I’ve been busy, a week in which I’ve contemplated the direction. I realized that perhaps accounting is not my forte. I want to do something that will help people. I’d love to find a way to extend my ability of writing to helping other people. I’m so honored by the many compliments people give me on my writing. I’d love to be able to help students learn proper English. I’m just amazed at the blessings that are in my life, and want to find a way to share my gifts with others.

I’m grateful for blessings in my life that have come in so many unexpected ways. I’m grateful for the people, the situations, and the experiences that have helped mold me into the man I am today.

Gratitude is one of the single most important aspects of my life. I truly believe that if someone does something nice for you, touches your life in a certain way, they need to know. That’s why I try to express gratitude on a regular basis to people in my life. It’s that important! It’s equally important to express gratitude to the Divine.

Here’s my confession: I have experienced a lot of things over the last few months. I don’t think I’d change a single moment. There have been tears and laughter, joy and discontentment. Losing my job probably saved me lots of sanity and eliminated a lot of stress. It’s also propelled me forward into territories I may have never dared explore. There are chapters still unwritten, and I’m ready to embrace the challenge of the future. I am today where my thoughts have brought me, but I will be tomorrow where my thoughts take me.

GRATITUDE 06.13.10

I’m a couple of days late with this week’s gratitude blog, but what a week it has been. This week was Gay Pride week here in The Magic City. I don’t consider myself an activist, and am really not one of those people who is “in your face” about my sexuality. That being said, I don’t generally go to great lengths to hide my sexuality, either. The truth of the matter is that I am gay. I’ve known that I am gay since at least the second grade.

So, this week, I am grateful for those trailblazers from the past who have paved the way so that I may have freedom to celebrate openly who I am. I am grateful for the choral society which has opened up doors and avenues I would have never experienced otherwise.

I’m grateful for peaceful moments and moments of introspection, reflection and the journey toward peace and finding the answers I so desperately need. I’m grateful for people who love me and support me.

Here’s my confession: There have been lots of happy celebratory moments this week. I’m grateful for who I am. I don’t see myself as an activist. I’m just one man who attempts to celebrate the gifts of God in my life. Pride is about more than a simple rainbow flag, a parade or any number of things that make up the “community”. One day, I believe, and I am almost certain that in my lifetime, we will all be free. This has been an amazing week of pride. It’s nice to be able to let our “true colors” shine through!

GRATITUDE 06.04.10

We’ve come to the end of yet another week, and I pause again for a moment to reflect on all the amazing items in my life for which I am grateful. Gratitude is one of the single most important elements of my life. I believe that by simply showing, expressing and living a life of gratitude enables us to live with more peace in our lives and causes good karma to come our way.

I joined friends on Sunday evening at the gospel drag show. It’s always such a serendipitous spiritual experience. To be able to have an experience with the Divine in the most unorthodox of settings is something that truly defies words. While I was there, I realized just how many people I know. Person after person would come up to tip the drag queens (Grant and I, along with some other friends took our “regular” spot at the table at the front of the stage) and many of them spoke to me. Just to think that only two simple years ago, I didn’t know any of these people, that I would not have been sitting at a drag show and wouldn’t have even felt comfortable waking into a room full of other gays, really made me recall just how grateful I am for the experiences over the last couple of years. While I believe I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, I’ve come such a long way.

After the show, Keith came up to me and said he wanted to apologize for something that had happened earlier in the year. Keith and I had been good friends before. That all changed after the Bal this year when I started dating Wynn. Feelings were hurt, and a friendship was, for all practical purposes, ended. I saw Keith on a regular basis, but we ceased communication with one another. I made one attempt to reconcile with him, but he did not want to reconcile. So, I just let it go. However, Keith apologized on Sunday night, and we picked up the friendship like it had never been broken. We began chatting again and I believe have but the misgivings in the past where they belong. I’m grateful to have a good friend back. I’ve missed him.

I had some really down moments this week. I allowed my mind to drift into a place of “woe is me.” I found myself dwelling in two places that I shouldn’t have been-the past and the future. I allowed stress and anxiety to bring me down. I’m grateful that I was able to get out of that funk.

I continue to be grateful for the beautiful gift of music in my life. I’ve set some goals for myself to learn some new pieces of music. I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown as a musician. It is difficult to imagine the void that would be in my life without music, and most importantly, the piano. I enjoy my vocal experiences and being part of the men’s chorus, but it is the piano where I find my passion.

Yesterday, I spent time cleaning the house, paying bills and taking care of chores that I had been putting off. At the end of the day, I had such a feeling of accomplishment and a feeling of peace and satisfaction with the simplicity of the day. I truly had a sense of gratitude.

Here’s my confession: My life today is not what I imagined, but I’m grateful for where I am. I am a work in progress. I’m not always the friend that I should be. My intentions are pure. I’ve recently found that sometimes I just shut down and close myself off from the world. I’m grateful for the love and friendship that remains in spite of my failures. Even though I harbor many fears and frustrations that I would rather keep hidden in the dark spaces of my life, far away from the realities I am living, I’m grateful for the people who make a difference in my life. I am grateful for life and all the many lessons I learn each day. Far beyond the darkness of today’s situation lie the answers to each question, a balm for each hurt, and peace to replace each fear. And, along the journey, I chose gratitude as my companion.

SYMPATHY, TENDERNESS

I’ve spent the better part of the last couple of days in a personal funk. I’ve been lost in a self-loathing, depressed, anxious, and fearful trail of doubts and frustration, confusion and regret. These are roads I have tried to not allow myself to travel, but it seems no matter how hard I’ve tried, these emotions want to my companions on the journey.

My body physically aches from stress and a restful sleep evades me. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this place, but I’ve had vivid flashbacks of episodes past. I can feel the rush of my heartbeat. I can feel the rush of anxiety as it pours over me. I imagine, someway, somehow, this must be what death feels like.

It’s not about the lack of a job, it’s not about the bills, it’s not about school, and it’s not about relationships. Actually it is, but not one thing in particular. It is, however, about a million little things that penetrate my mind. It’s all the “what-if?” questions that like to come out just to taunt me. It’s about living anywhere but the now. My mind is dwelling in the past and the future, when it should be here, in the present.

Here’s my confession: A song came into my head a little while ago. It’s “Sympathy, Tenderness” from Jekyll and Hyde. While the lyrics really don’t apply to me in this situation, the title, I think does, because that is what I need to be practicing with myself. I need to let go of the past and the future and be a little more forgiving of myself in the present. The truth remains that no matter how alone I may feel I am not alone. No matter how anxiety wants to hold me down, I have the power. No matter how depression wants to reign supreme, it can’t. I seek not anyone’s sympathy or pity. I think I’m too proud to go there. I just want understanding—from myself more than anyone else. Tonight as I sing myself to sleep with “Sympathy, Tenderness”, I pray for peace, rest and love. May the flood of anxiety soon be replaced with peace and frustration with joy.

GRATITUDE 05.28.10

GRATITUDE 05.28.10

What an amazing week! I am grateful for a week in which, on the whole, I experienced much inner peace. It’s been a long time since I felt this good about life. It’s been a long time since I experienced this amazing sense of joy. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually given serious thought to my goals for the future.

I’m grateful for the experiences this week that brought me such joy. The Men’s Chorus recorded our CD project this week. It was a tiring, trying, and extremely exciting experience. I’m grateful for the role music plays in my life, for the joy it brings to me, the ability I have to share this gift with others through my vocal abilities and through my instrumental abilities. I hope to continue growing as a musician, that I never grow weary of my first love.

I’m grateful for answered prayers. I’m grateful for the spiritual experiences that have been so wonderful this week. I have attended daily mass three days this week. This is a new experience for me, and I’m just trusting God to guide me.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for the hope, the peace and the joy in my life. I truly feel like things are just moving in the right direction for the first time in a very long time. I’m grateful for those who have said prayers for me. I’m grateful for words of encouragement and for the solid friends I have. In this journey, friends make the journey so much more amazing. I know that there’s a plan out there, somewhere, and one day I’ll find it. I’m learning that patience can be a very beautiful and rewarding thing.

It truly is weeks like this one that I pause for a moment, and think ‘how in this world can I POSSIBLY ever ask for anything more than the ‘things’ I already have? I can’t.

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH

While I was stepping out of the shower this evening, this saying that I have framed on my wall struck my eyes. “Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much”. It’s one of my favorite sayings, but it tonight it struck me, and I began to think. Do I do these things, and if so, how?

LIVE WELL—I have a new appreciation for life and living in the present moment after the last few months. Life is a series of moments, a series of moments too short to not enjoy. Oh, sure we all have our ‘down’ days, and that’s ok—it’s just basic human nature. “Living well” doesn’t mean you have to have the best of everything, but it does mean that you have to make the most of what you have. Find happiness in the simplicity of life itself, and everything will then fall into place.

LAUGH MUCH—Even if it means laughing at my own self. Find joy, happiness, and humor at some point in each day. Don’t be uptight. There’s way too much in this world that can make us sad, but laughter is good for the spirit. Laughter is good medicine…and hey, it’s free!

LOVE MUCH—Love, true love, begins with yourself. Ru Paul says it best—“if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to expect anyone else to? There’s so much truth in that. Love attracts love. Love those around you. Don’t take for granted the people who mean so much to you. If you love them, don’t be afraid to tell them, and tell them often. I am blessed with wonderful people in my life—people who have been with me on my journey for many more years than either of us are willing to admit, I’m sure. Still, some are newcomers in my life, and I’m equally grateful for the love they bring into my life. With some friendships, I think there is an unspoken love. The point here is that we let those we love know through our words and our actions that they are important.

Here’s my confession: I strive each day to put these three little phrases into practice. I promise to breathe in the breath of life, savor it and enjoy it. I will learn to relax—find humor in each and every day. And LOVE...the greatest commandment—enough said.

PEACE THAT PASSES UNDERSTANDING

This week, for some inexplicable reason, I’ve experienced such a sense of peace and tranquility. I’ve smiled a lot, I’ve laughed a lot and I’ve just felt that for the first time, in a very long time, that “it is well with my soul”. It’s been a long and tiring week so far. Eight hours over the course of two nights were spent in a recording session for the MCCS CD. It was an exhausting process, but the camaraderie of my choir brothers and the music were an incredible experience. Yesterday I attended a daily mass at the downtown cathedral, and because of some connections I have there, was able to play around a bit with the pipe organ after mass, and was told I was welcome to come back and play around on the instrument any time. Maybe I’ll actually LEARN to play the organ for real.

Worry, fear and frustration have subsided this week. There’s a joy I can’t even begin to explain. I feel like things are just really good in my life. I feel like I’m on the right path. The picture is still a little fuzzy, but the details will show up in time. I’m not worried.

Here’s my confession: I don’t know. I could wake up tomorrow morning and be worried, anxious and be mad at the world. So, I’m relishing the beauty of this peaceful feeling while it lasts. I’m enjoying living today, and am letting tomorrow worry about itself. For now, there is music in my soul, my spirit is light and my outlook on life is very positive. This is a good feeling. It’s something that I haven’t experienced many times. Maybe this is a new trend? Whatever the case, I thank God for the blessings have fallen into my path, for while I can’t pinpoint the exact reason for this incredible feeling, I am certain it is the people in my life, the experiences I’ve lived, and the hope I’ve been that have contributed so greatly. While I could dwell on plenty of negativity if I wanted, I choose joy and positive thoughts. I’m sure that soon enough there will be a cloudy day that I don’t feel so chipper, but until that day comes, I’ll be here, with peace.

AN APOLOGY

So, I awoke this morning and checked my email. Sleepy-eyed, I read my blog from last night and shook my head at what I had written. Sub-par! What started off as a good topic suddenly took a plummet into oblivion. What happened? I was on a roll. Well, the sleep medication I had taken kicked in somewhere around the fourth and sixth paragraphs. That, my friends, is why I must step away from the computer after I take the medication for the night!

As the day progressed, I laughed at my incoherency, my grammatical incongruities and the blatant abandonment of my faculties. Some may blame it on the alcohol, as a popular song suggests, but me, I’m going to blame it on the Ambien, and only a half a dose at that, for the Ambien, she’s the one to blame!

What I think I meant to say in last night’s blog is that the things I have learned over the last three months are some very important lessons. Everything you have can be here one moment and gone the next. What are left in the aftermath? Truth, wisdom, and a map to move you forward remain, if you will only surrender. It was in that surrender that I was able to give it all to the Divine. It was in that surrender that I found solace. It was in that surrender that I was able to pause in the quietness and take an inventory of my obstacles and blessings.

Here’s my confession: I apologize for subjecting you to a blog that was not my best work. I confess to you that in the last twelve weeks of life, I’ve been humbled by many experiences. I’m grateful for the kindness, love and support of friendships far and near. What tomorrow will bring, I know not. I do know that I’ve reached a place of surrender, and I feel an intense peace in my soul unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced. It’s not about money, it’s not about being worried or fearful. It’s simply about learning to live, to let go of fear and frustrations. It’s about living and learning from both the successes and failures of yesterdays past. It’s about stepping boldly into each new today. While I’ve lost a few things over the last few weeks, that which I most cherish is what remains—you.

THE JOURNEY UNANTICIPATED

THE JOURNEY UNANTICIPATED

Twelve weeks ago I began a journey I had not anticipated. I left behind a career and “family” I had loved for twelve long years. Twelve weeks ago at this exact moment, I know that I was mentally and emotionally in a very different place. I must admit that there have been very few moments where I completely felt hopeless, for there are too many people in my life that care about me to allow me to ever walk down that narrow path alone.

Twelve weeks ago, I was given the opportunity to step back and look at my life. I believe I have been afforded an opportunity to focus more on today, and to learn some of life’s lessons that I was too busy to learn. I’ll focus on three of the things I’ve learned during this “interim” period of my life.

What’s the most valuable lesson I’ve learned? It’s one of those intangible things that is most humbling to experience. It’s about learning who’s going to be around when the bottom falls out. I’ve learned that I have some of the most amazing people in my life, people who have stood beside me and supported me each step of the way. Yes, I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but I never meant to hurt anyone.

I’ve learned to let go and let God. That may sound trite, but it’s absolutely true. I had a lot of things going on and hitting me all at once. I had the loss of the job, I had the break-up with Wynn, and I finally reached a point where I had to just say “Ok, God, here you go.” And, after I reached the point to where I was ready to do that, there was peace. I still feel this incredible sense of peace that when the time is right, I’m going to land on my feet again, exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’ve learned that fighting for what you believe in is important. Don’t just accept things as they are. If you feel you’ve been wronged, stand up and make them hear you. Justice is worth the fight, and victory has a sweet taste.

Here’s my confession: In the nearly ninety days since my world went topsy-turvy, I have to confess that while there have been some dark moments in my soul during the time, on the whole, my life has been truly blessed by friends who have reached with many expressions. I must also confess that my stress level is lower today than it was three simple months ago.

Continuing my education formally through an online program has been a great boost to me, and sets me up for success in the future. Self-study in music has been something else that has provided so much joy in my life. I’m trying to, among other things in my life, capitalize on the time I have to do the very best that I can do. I try to carve out 30 minutes or an hour just to practice music. I’m trying to learn lots of new music. I’m really excited about the prospects that lie ahead. There's a path you take and a path not taken, and there's a brand new life around the bend.

LIVING IN A CLOSET

LIVING IN A CLOSET

You’re probably thinking that this is another post about being gay, coming out and how that whole process changed my life. You may be thinking this is another one of those coming of age blogs. You may even be thinking this is one of those blogs about how I found my true self and how difficult it was coming to terms with my authentic self.
Actually, this is not a blog about sexuality. It’s a blog about spirituality.

I am Catholic. When I became Catholic ten years ago, I made a profession that “I believe and profess all the Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God.” Do I? No. It would be difficult to believe ALL the church teaches. And that’s not true of just the Catholic church, it’s true of any church. I grew up as a Southern Baptist and later became a member of the United Methodist church. I still find myself leaning on teachings from my days as a protestant. In some ways, I think it makes me a better Catholic. I’ve made no excuses over the years, I am a cafeteria catholic, as are most of the Catholics I know. We all pick and choose the doctrines with which we agree and dismiss the ones we find questionable or even asinine, antiquated or even impossible.

It would probably shock some people to learn that I don’t even believe that Christianity is the ONLY path to eternity. That, to me, is completely incomprehensible. If we take a brief survey of all the world’s religions, compare the basic tenants and compare and contrast them all…they all basically teach the same thing. We’re all trying to get to the same place. Buddhism pre-dates Christianity. Teachings of the Buddha are quite compatible with those of Jesus Christ. Spirituality is a deeply individual connection. It’s a connection, often, defying labels. The chief thing to remember is that God is Love.

Recently, I’ve found my spiritual fulfillment in the Episcopal church. Having worshiped on a few rare occasions, I’ve felt a spiritual connection and heard a message that I’ve been missing. The Episcopal church has been referred to as “Catholic Lite” or even a “kissing cousin”. That’s true. Our traditions are very similar, but the beauty of the Episcopal church is that, as I understand it, members are encouraged to pick and choose what they believe. I think that’s why we see so many “mixed” marriages between protestants and catholics or protestants of mixes denominations often “settle” in the Episcopal church, because they have the freedom to express their faith in the way they find most appropriate.

Here’s my confession: So, while I openly live my life as a Catholic, attend mass, take communion, accompany the congregation and find the ritual of the liturgy to be a beautiful thing, I am living in a closet. “Catholic” is a name I call myself. “Christian” is a label I sometimes apply to myself. Yet, more often than not, my beliefs and the beliefs of the “church” do not correspond with one another. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. What I do believe is that what truly matters is that you have a connection with the Divine. Your connection to the Divine may be found in a downtown cathedral, a tiny church in the country, or on a hiking trail in the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe your connection to the divine is found in music or the arts or any of thousands or millions of different ways. As long as you feel peace with the Divine, and you are following what you believe to be the truth, I am confident that you are on the right path. Remember, the “church” existed before the scriptures were even set forth. So, I continue, even as we prepare to celebrate the birthday of the church, Pentecost, to live in a spiritual closet. I continue to daily seek an experience with the divine and believe, hope and trust that the path I follow is the right path. Do you find yourself living in a spiritual closet, too? Pause and ask yourself where or what is your sense of the divine. I believe if you haven't taken a spiritual inventory in a while, you may be surprised at what you truly believe.

GRATITUDE 05.21.10

GRATITUDE 05.21.10

The ending of another week has arrived, and with it, many reason for gratitude. This has been a week of much joy, peace and excitement, and there have even been a few moments of frustration and stress.

I’m grateful for the wonderful positive answer to a prayer this week. I am grateful to God for showing me that letting go of worry can produce some amazing results. Thank you, God, how could I ask for more?

I’m grateful for my dear “old” friends. CJ, Lee, and Jane have all known me for more years than most of us care to admit. They have all been so wonderful to listen to me, not only this week, but any time I need to just talk. I’m grateful for these three individuals and the memories we have from the past and am hopeful for the memories still to be made.

I’m grateful for my men’s chorus family. We’ve worked so diligently for the last two weeks preparing for a CD recording project. This is a significant undertaking and has truly been a lot of work. I’m so grateful that I took those first steps of faith, embraced my fears and found a family I would have never found were it not for the MCCS.

I’m grateful for life. This week, I played for two funerals of two different men. One of the gentlemen was only 61, the other only 65. These men were young by most standards. It simply shows us how absolutely fragile life is. Life can be taken from us at any moment. It’s so important to live in the moment, for we never know which moment will be our last.

Here’s my confession: I’m grateful for so many wonderful blessings in this life. I’m grateful for the friends both far and near who love me and accept me with my faults. I’m grateful for the many lessons I’ve learned this week about life, about love and hopefully where my tomorrows are headed. I’m grateful for a heart that’s been though so much, and will no doubt go through more. I’m grateful for answers to prayer and I’m grateful for the many blessings that come my way and for the little blessings in my life which are often for granted. Thank you, Lord, How could I possibly ask for more?

MOVING FORWARD

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in just about every way imaginable. As I as heading to meet friends for dinner before choir rehearsal tonight, I thought about a message I had received from Gray earlier in the day saying he hoped everything was going well and that I was having a spectacular day. As I reflected on the day I thought to myself “this has been a perfectly peaceful day”. That is such an incredible, refreshing feeling to have a sense that things in life are falling into place.

While I could look back at the past, especially the recent past, and be filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness, I don’t. Instead, I am focused on where I am today, and am amazed at how each obstacle I’ve endured has made me a stronger person. I feel more peace in my life than I did three months ago. I have a greater sense of where I’m heading than I did three months ago. Worry was at one time my constant companion. Now, I see that worry is not productive. I’m not saying that from time to time, I don’t worry; but on the whole, I no longer dwell in a constant state of worry as I have at so many periods in my life. I used to think that worry would solve the problems, when it only made them worse. Just letting go and letting things happen is a far more productive activity.

Each day I live I feel a little more alive. I know that while I’ve been dealt a hand that is difficult, it is not impossible. I know that I am not alone in this journey called life. The dictionary defines journey as “a trip or expedition from one place to another” as well as “a process of development.” I think both of these definitions are perfect and appropriate, for in a journey, it is implied that you are in a continual state of moving forward, not backward, looking ahead, not behind.

Here’s my confession: What does moving forward even mean? Well, to me, it means not dwelling in yesterday’s hurts. It means living for today and making today count. It means working each and every day to be a better me. It means eliminating clutter—in many forms—from my life. It means finding ways to simplify my life, learning to love myself completely, and to follow the path to peace. Moving forward means using the lessons learned from yesterday’s successes or mistakes to propel me forward. Moving forward means setting attainable goals, creating realistic plans, evaluating my passions, and even purging that which is unnecessary in my life. If the journey of a thousand miles truly does begin with one step, then I’m ready to start walking, because I am excited about the beautiful life I now live.

WHAT KEEPS ME GOING?

There have been moments in my life when I was ready to just completely give up, throw in the towel and call it quits, but somehow, I’ve managed to keep going. I guess we all have good days and bad days, and I think it’s even normal to ride the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Some days are just brighter than others—
it’s a fact of life. Some days you want to laugh all day long, other days, well, you’d rather just pull the blanket back over your head and cry all day.

What keeps me going? What is my motivation? It is my knowing that today’s trials are only temporary, and even if they aren’t, that somehow, someway, I’m going to end up exactly where I’m supposed to be. I think that’s what you call “Faith”. Faith is trusting in that which is unseen. I’ve had to rely on my faith a lot the last few months. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s why I’ve been allowed to go through this current situation.

What keeps me going? Relationships. It is those relationships with friends who do know everything about me, but still love me anyway. It’s the friends I’ve had for years who have seen me go through so many situations. It’s the people who know me well enough to know that I don’t always say nor do the right things, but my intentions are harmless.

What keeps me going? Dreams. While I am focused on living in the present, I do allow myself to indulge in dreams of the tomorrows. I picture myself in 5 years probably being exactly where I am. I have dreams of someone coming along who will blow my mind and sweep me off my feet. I have dreams of landing a dream job, actually a dream career, and I’m trusting that it will all work out for the better.

Here’s my confession: There have been times I truly felt so hopeless. I just wanted to make my exit form the life, but at those moments I feel something is coming down on me. I want a job, I want a relationship, and I want friends. I’m blessed. I have all of these, and seem to add a little more to the mix every day.

SOMEWHERE AMONG THE CHAOS

Somewhere among the chaos of life, God speaks.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a friend listens intently.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a stranger shows us the way.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, beauty is found.

Somewhere among the chaos of life, we put God on mute.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, we turn our back on our friend. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we are blind to the stranger. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we only see negativity.

Somewhere among the chaos of life, there is peace.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a friend forgives our trespasses.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, a stranger becomes a friend.
Somewhere among the chaos of life, we experience pure art.

Here’s my confession: Somewhere, among the chaos, our God is still calling to us and true friends abide. Somewhere, among the chaos, the line between stranger and friend is blurred—after all, weren’t we all strangers at one time? Sometimes, among the chaos of life, we hear beautiful melodies; we see the beauty of an artisan’s craftsmanship and we experience that which is sacred in ways unimagined.

Somewhere among the chaos, our love, our friendship and even our faith are called into question. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we transgress against those about whom we profess to care the most. Somewhere among the chaos of life, we find plenteous redemption, healing, and truth. Sometimes, it may just be that the path that leads to freedom is filled with chaos, confusion, and frustration.

Somewhere, among the chaos is love, and that’s what it’s all about.

GRATITUDE 05.14.10

My gratitude this week is bittersweet because while I’ve had some very wonderful moments, there have been some moments equally tinged with sadness. I have hurt some of the most important people in my life this week through my words and actions, and it saddens me deeply to know that.

I’m grateful this week for clarity. I’ve learned some very important lessons in life this week. Though my writing, I’ve been able to tap into a part of my soul and unlock some of the thoughts I’ve been holding in, waiting for their exposure to the light of day. I’m grateful for this blog, for it has been a sounding board for my soul, allowing the expression of emotions, fears, frustrations that I could in no other way articulate.

I’m grateful for spiritual moments. As I wrote earlier in the week, I attended an Episcopal mass on Thursday night celebrating the Christian Feast of the Ascension, commemorating the bodily ascension of Christ forty days after his crucifixion and resurrection. I celebrated this feast in a beautiful spiritual space in downtown Birmingham, with music that is second to none, a spiritual message through the homily that spoke directly to my heart. I wish it weren’t so difficult for me to have experiences such as this with the Divine, but when they do occur, they are intensely meaningful and, at times, even a bit serendipitous. Tonight, I attended an organ concert in Tuscaloosa. The organ is truly the king of all instruments. I’m by no means a “real” organist, but certainly appreciate the real thing when see it. Once again, it was another incredible spiritual experience.

I’m grateful for the renewal of friendships from the past. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve found a friend with whom I graduated high school. Andrew and I last connected in 2004, and then he sort of fell off the radar. Now, thanks to facebook, we’ve once again reunited—at least in cyber land. We have talked about getting together at some point in the near future, which would be an incredible experience after all this time. Driving home from Tuscaloosa I spoke with Truvy. It’s been so long since we’ve been able to catch up. We ended up talking for over two hours! Truvy is one of those people that everyone should have in their life. She lives her life absolute with integrity and faith.

I’m grateful to the individuals who have been provided whatever resources I needed during this interim period of my life. Whether it be providing me with a “free” meal or even surprising me with cash, God’s been so good to me.

Today, what seems to be good news came my way, and I’m excited to see where it leads and to learning more detail.

Here’s my confession: I’m a transgressor. I’ve unintentionally hurt people who are important to me this week. That hurts me, deeply. I’m learning, day by day, that my words and my actions are increasingly important. I have to remind myself that my core group of friends that I have today are, in ways, different than the established friendships I have with Lee, Jane, Truvy or Morgan. These are friends who have known me over a decade (and yes, Morgan, let’s face it-a couple of decades). The banter that I may exchange with them, the relationships I have with them has been tested and are strong. They understand my blunders, my lack of ability to filter things from my brain to mouth. That’s something I still have to learn. I don’t like to hurt people—especially people I love. I just wish I knew how to make that known to those who haven’t known me quite so long. All I know to do is ask forgiveness, and pray that it is granted.

I’m grateful for the amazing gifts that are in my life. I’m grateful for music—my refuge, my harbor; my writing—my sounding board, my sanity; my faith—battled, but still in tact.

I’m grateful for a week full of surprises, a week full of love, adventure, serenity and spirit. I’m grateful for the present moments, for we are not guaranteed our next breath, but if I am so blessed, I pray that I live a life of integrity, honest and faith. As I march onward, I pray for wisdom to be my companion each step of the way, for grace to go before me and for more moments of serendipitous spiritual renewal.

I think that most of all, I am grateful for you and the love and faith we share. Dona Nobis Pacem (Grant Us Peace).

REFLECTIONS

REFLECTIONS

In the stillness of this night, I collect my thoughts about life. Even in the crappiest moments of my life, I have to admit, I am blessed. Even when I am stressed, anxious, depressed or my spirit is empty, I am reminded that someone else is experiencing something far worse, and would be happy to trade places with me.

The last few months have been, in many ways, a precious gift to me. I’ve learned so much about myself, the direction I want to go and I’ve caught glimpses of a future filled with hope. I’ve lost many things, but in doing so, I’ve gained so much along the way. It’s really amazing to look at how the closing of a window truly does open doors.

What I have learned in the last nearly three months is that friendships are special and that sometimes you just have to trust that God is doing the right thing and removing you from a situation. I’ve learned that just because someone says they love you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they do, and that worry, like rocking in a rocking chair, is an activity that will give you something to do, but won’t really get you anywhere. I’ve learned that finding peace with yourself is the greatest gift you can ever receive.

Today I had a very simplistic day. I met Gray and Trent for lunch, and then did something I’ve thought of doing for a long time, but just never took the time. I drove to Elmwood Cemetery and just took a little walk around. It was an absolutely beautiful day and a great day to spend in one of the most serene locations in Birmingham. Of course, I looked for Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant’s grave while I was there, but did not find it—I guess that will give me a reason to go back and walk around Block 30 again. I stopped by and visited the grave of Parker’s grandmother. She died the day we moved in together, perfectly timed...the movers had done their job, Parker’s father had helped me get my last load of items from my apartment and had returned home where Parker’s brother and soon to be sister-in-law were in town, then we got the call that she had died and quickly drove to the assisted living facility to join the rest of the family there. It was simple, peaceful and beautiful. It may have been at that moment, that I truly felt I was a part of Parker’s family. It’s one of my most precious memories, though sad for the family, I recall the tremendous sense of relief that she was no longer living in pain, nor was she living in a world she had trouble recognizing because of her battle with Alzheimer’s Disease. So, I stopped by just to say hello to her today and to thank her for her family, who will always be so dear to me.

After leaving the cemetery, I returned home and took care of things around the house before heading out to a service to commemorate the Feast of the Ascension at the Episcopal Church. The glorious music and words of the homily were such necessary experiences for me. As I told Christopher, who sings in the choir, I truly had a religious experience. That may sound odd, since I go to church every week. However, when one is serving as a minister, I’ve found that it’s often that one is not being ministered to. I often block out the homily entirely and am just waiting for my next cue to return to the piano or organ. It was a refreshing experience.

Here’s my confession: One might argue that I haven’t used my time wisely, that I’ve not worked as hard as I should have during this interim period of my life, but the lessons I’ve learned, the love I’ve experienced, and the peace I have today all cause me to believe that I have done everything according to plan. I have no doubt that things are going to work out for me. I also have no doubt that the time I’ve been given to take an inventory of my life, to look at where I want my life to go, and having the opportunity to formulate a plan are priceless. The time I’ve been able to spend working on music has been a healing process, but has also helped me to continue to grow and add to my repertoire. My hope is that I’ll be able to parlay the musical skills someone into a money-making venture in the near future. Until then, I am trusting with faith that all will be well. I know that there’s brighter tomorrow, and that my prayers will be answered. I know that I have to put legs on my prayers, and I am; but I also know that I am not to worry. It’s all under control, and the plan will be revealed in due time. Today’s struggles, God Willing, will be replaced by more than I can dare imagine.

FEAR

“Fear is the mother of morality.”—Friedrich Nietzsche
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt

Fear. I think it’s a natural part of the human experience. I have been thinking of the things of which I am most afraid, and tonight I pause to ask myself questions about the things I fear.

Why am I so afraid of reconnecting with my family of origin? I think it’s because I have never truly felt like I was a part of that family. I was always the outsider. It’s so much easier to pretend that family doesn’t exist and live my life, creating my family of choice here. Thoughts of actually communicating with that family paralyze me. I truly wish I understood. I’ve tried to understand it through counseling. I’ve reached out through cards and letters, but seeing them in person, talking on the phone. It’s one of my biggest fears. Yet, what fear do I have of the day my family of origin is gone? What will that day be like?

I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of losing control. I’m afraid of letting go and losing a part of myself. I’m afraid of what people might say if I lose my reputation. I’m afraid that if I do the very same things that other gay men do, that I will be the one that gets the reputation as being a whore or slut. What if I were to sow those wild oats I’ve never sown? What if I were to just let go and live a little? Is there really a reason for fear?

I’m afraid of failing as a friend. Even at my age, true, abiding friendship is a relatively new experience for me. I am afraid of sucking the lives out of the people I love. I am afraid of letting the most important people in my life down with my words. The greatest gift I have to give my friends is my love, but I fear what if that’s not enough, or worse, what if it’s too much?

I am afraid of love. My fear giving my heart again and watching it get broken. Yet, I know in love there are no guarantees. So, I must sit back and wait for that moment when the time is right, the stars align and I am standing face to face with my destiny. I imagine that will be a moment when all fear is released. However, it could be at that moment that my true fear only begins.

I fear that I may never truly find my purpose. I fear that I may not know what I am supposed to do with my life. I’m enrolled in a Master’s degree program for Accounting. I’m very excited about this program, know it will take a lot of very hard work, but, although I am trying my hardest to live in the now and not dwell on tomorrow, I can’t help thinking what I were never to do what I was born to do? What if I were to never accomplish my purpose?

Here’s my confession: I fear my own mediocrity, my procrastination, and my confusion. I fear my ambivalence. I fear making mistakes in some areas and failing to take the necessary risks to fail (or succeed) in others. I fear losing the things that are most dear to me, which, generally are not “things” at all—they are the people and relationships that keep me grounded on earth. I fear reaching the end of my life and having nothing to show for it. I fear that just as quickly as the special moments and people have come into my life that they will disappear. I fear questions to answers I don’t want to hear, but I believe I have an even greater fear that the answers will not come.

Truly, if I’m living as I strive to live, in the present, completely in the now, then the only thing I have to fear is fear itself.

STOP

Sometimes I have to just sit back and remind myself to “STOP”. The world keeps on spinning, issues keep on going…but sometimes I have to stop. In a world of chaos, where is the quiet. In a world full of confusion and nose, we just have to say "NO MORE" and STOP.

I have to remind myself to stop before I speak. My jokes may not be taken in the right context, my words may be misinterpreted and, sometimes, that is how sometimes friendships meet their demise.

I have to remind myself to stop dwelling on the past or the future and live in the NOW. Yesterday is gone—learn from the lessons there. Tomorrow has not happened—it isn’t even promised to me. Today—this moment, is all I have. I can’t dwell on relationships that didn’t last. I can’t focus on relationships that haven’t yet happened. I can choose to learn the lessons from those relationships and focus on ways to be better.

I have to stop and remind myself to stop dwelling on the relationship, or lack thereof, with my family of origin. I have to remind myself of my family of choice, and the innumerable blessings they all bring into my life. I have to let go of the blame, the fear, and the guilt. I have to focus on the people who mean the most in my life right now—the people who would drop everything for me.

I have to stop focusing on the career that has ended, and focus on finding my new career. I have to focus on my education. I have to stop the resentment, the frustration with the company to whom I gave 12 years of my life and instead focus on the belief that the best is yet to come.

Here’s my confession: There are a lot of things I need to stop. I need to stop putting things off. I have to stop allowing myself to stop and think before I do things. I have to stop and ask myself if the choices I make today, the things I say today or the things I do today are going to be something I regret tomorrow. I have to stop pining for a man to come into my life to fill the void. I have to fill that void myself, then there will be a place for the man. I have to stop kicking myself for decisions I didn’t make, but should have.

In short, I have to stop. I have to take a deep breath. Savor it. Enjoy it. Embrace the essence of that moment. For in stopping to enjoy that moment—that one, single, solitary moment in time—I may just grasp all the answers to all the questions that haunt me from day to day. I have to stop and acknowledge that while my life has not always gone according to plan, that I am blessed. So, I must enjoy the moments that make up my life. I have to stop and remind myself that I’m never alone—I have friends who love me, and that is more than enough to help me make it through the days. So tonight, as I lay down my head to rest, I will stop, for just a moment and say a prayer for you, my dearest friends, in thanksgiving and gratitude for the special gifts you bring to my life. You each bring some unique gift I need, and I love you. I hope that maybe, after you read this, you’ll stop, if only for a second or two, and say a little prayer for me.